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By January 15, 2015 91 Comments Read More →

No Remorse

I received a text:

I am driving to Middleburg to
sign paperwork. If u can
sign today we will be done
w all this stuff.

Want to celebrate?

My ex husband sent me this text on June 4, 2013. We’d been in court for most of seven years at that point, first for our divorce and then again when he filed for full custody of two of our three children and requested that I have no visitation. He only wanted the boys.

I was working at my computer when the text came in. I looked at the time on the corner of my screen—12:17pm. What, did he want to get a drink? Go out to lunch and blow off the rest of the afternoon together? What exactly did he have in mind?

I went back to working and then picked up my phone to read it again. Then again, one more time. He’d finally signed our custody settlement after two years of strained wishing that he would.

After almost seven years of filing motions against me in court.

And nine years before that of the kind of marriage that took me from being a confident woman in a medical program to a quiet female who made lunch for him and his lover in our home.

And one more year before that of a passionate courtship during which he convinced me he was the love of my life.

Even though I’d known him for years by the time that text came in, I was still stunned. I still couldn’t believe that he could really torture, batter, abuse, and maim other people—even our children—and through deluded thought patterns actually believe that we could still celebrate together when he agreed (on paper) to stop.

He believed it so whole-heartedly that he invited me out to celebrate.

Psychopaths are confusing. M. Scott Peck says that confusion is a sign of evil—that if you’re around someone who confuses you all the time, you should see it as a red flag.

And my ex confused me. Because if he didn’t feel guilty, then did he really do anything hurtful? Maybe he didn’t mean to. When I was around him, I came to question myself daily. Was I making him out to be worse than he was? Could he really be bad when he seemed so nice sometimes? When everyone liked him so much? He presented himself as a victim of everyone and everything, including me. So did that mean he was or is? How did we construct our separate realities? How could our perceptions be so incredibly different?

If he hit me but then happily brought me a glass of wine, ready to celebrate together with no remorse, was he faking his good mood and hiding the sense that he felt bad for what he did? Or not?

Psychopaths generally seem like very happy people.

That text, asking me to celebrate, offers a glimpse into his conscienceless way of being in the world. Even today, I still want him to know that he hurt me, and that he hurt our children. I want him to feel bad about some part of that.

But he never will.

Some people have no remorse.

 

~This post can also be found on hgbeverly.com.



91 Comments on "No Remorse"

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  1. sociopath6 says:

    I am a sociopath and I have been victim to a female psychopath myself so I can actually have empathy with other victims here. Yes sociopaths have compassion and can take pity, it is the psychopath that does not. That lady abused me emotionally and bled me dry for money. Every day with her was an emotional Rollercoaster either she was the sweetest girlfriend ever or she abused me most severely. After I broke it off she started to extort me for money. That said I do understand and fear the species psychopath myself.

    However like I pointed out I am a sociopath and very very functional. What really brought me here is you saying elsewhere on your site that people like me need to be found out and put under medical / psychiatric supervision. Who the Fxxk do you think you are? And you want to force medication into me to make me docile? I take that as a threat to my well-being. “Control freaks” such as you, site author, fear what they can not control. Well let me add to that. I can switch my empathy off and do things the “normal” won’t even contemplate. If I felt it was the right thing to do I could walk into a room with a bucket of gasoline and splash it over people and light them up.. and then go have lunch.feeling absolutely fine. No not arbitrary innocent people but lets assume a room full of child molestors. You will notice I don’t need a gun. I don’t have any inhibition to taking life aside from my judgement who deserves to live and who must die. I alone am the judge of that. I don’t foresee myself doing that any time soon however I do have the option every minute of my life.

    So yes, I am out there and not at all willing to submit to your drugs and therapy. So, how does it feel not to be in control? How does it feel to be walking in a minefield full of people like me and my ex? We hide well and in plain sight and if ever only the dumbest of our kind is ever caught and controlled.



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    • I have received reports about the above comment. I am letting it stand, because I think it is an accurate and important look into the mindset of a sociopath.



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      • Catherine says:

        Actually if you exchange the world “sociopath” and “psychopath” for the name of any evil fiction antagonist it sounds quite funny. No wonder I’ve never liked 3 years old kids…



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      • Ifellforapsycho says:

        I completely agree with you Donna-know your enemy. I didn’t like the tone of this arrogant, egotistical, ‘potentially’ violent man… but ultimately I loved the fact that he started his comment explaining how he was NOT a psychopath but then went on to say

        “I can switch my empathy off and do things the “normal” won’t even contemplate. If I felt it was the right thing to do I could walk into a room with a bucket of gasoline and splash it over people and light them up.. and then go have lunch.feeling absolutely fine. No not arbitrary innocent people but lets assume a room full of child molesters. You will notice I don’t need a gun. I don’t have any inhibition to taking life aside from my judgement who deserves to live and who must die. I alone am the judge of that. I don’t foresee myself doing that any time soon however I do have the option every minute of my life”.

        Now I am no expert….but if someone I knew said that to me (even in jest) I would be worried…I might even call the police! I like the fact this man had a chance to express himself on this site . Well done Donna-brave but totally correct in my mind. Of course we are all at different degrees of recovery and pain and the awful fall-out of a socio/psycho… but hearing from all of you through this site…. and then hearing the rantings of ‘our collective’ enemy (if you know what I mean) gives me so much hope and gladness…. because at the end of the day the only reason these people are ‘hiding in full sight’ is because for whatever reason as good people we wanted to believe their lies- once we saw/see clearly (even through pain and loss) they are no longer hiding in plain sight! I gained a deep personal pleasure in ‘outing’ my psycho.



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      • AnnettePK says:

        Perhaps the comment could be moved to another place on the blog with a warning? For some it’s more triggering because it shows up in a comment section where the reader doesn’t expect it. It reminded me of the awful feelings I had when my ex spath’s mask began to slip. You thought everything’s ok, and then it gets all creepy and evil.

        It reads like the frightening nonsensical stuff my ex spath spoke, word salad meant to frighten and shock, that really doesn’t say anything.



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        • Ifellforapsycho says:

          Mybe it’s the space that I’m in at the moment? I went to court on Tuesday-I didn’t give evidence-and the case was dropped. I didn’t give evidence for my own well-being and it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in the 2 (brief) years with a psycho. He was stuck in a limbo of non-control for the 3 months it took to come to court.

          The fact this post came up as a comment was alarming in some ways…. but the sheer arrogance is amazing!! I want it give strength to us all…. here we have in ‘writing’ an example of a psychopath (love the fact he would prefer to be called sociopath and then goes all psycho with the petrol story!!).

          Exposure is what they are NOT about-yet this one couldn’t resist!! Exposing my ex’s psycho (didn’t need much with scars etc as evidence) was the worst thing for him! Knowing all my friends actively hated him bothered him greatly. Therein lay my personal power. It’s just where I’m at right now-early confident days.



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          • AnnettePK says:

            I think the post is worth reading, as chilling as it is, it’s a lesson on how they ‘think’ and a great example of word salad – what point is the writer making?
            Perhaps an introductory warning would be helpful for the recovering victim reader.

            A spath would be bothered by people not liking him – he can’t manipulate them as easily.

      • Escapefor1 says:

        This may be an actionable threat, based on my recent experience with police and courts, and getting a RO against my ex. He only implicitly and indirectly threatened me. I had always thought that did not constitute a threat. But as law enforcement becomes more savvy about narcissistic psychopaths announcing their intentions in manifestos and on internet boards and social networks, perception of when a threat is a threat is changing.

        In my situation, it fell into an expanded definition of domestic violence, for which I am very thankful. FYI, even though in the latest, worst threat he said something that also contradicted the threateningness of it, the police told me I should warn some people also named. So they still saw it as a threat.

        Like the above, he fantasized about violent actions and ways for people to die. It was to be a backhanded or non-specific way of threatening, in which nonetheless, the threat was obvious. Like that above, as I read it. So, for all who care, the era of making people afraid by stopping just short of the line, while simultaneously crossing it, are coming to an end.



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        • Catherine says:

          Glad to hear those news. Actually it is pretty obvious that exaltation of personal capacity to exert violence towards others is a way of telling the other person what they would to with them too, so a type of threat. This person, who is not a 3 years old child, definitely needs medication, not to be “docile” (as he says) but to be an emotional functional person and a person that can coexist in a pacific society.



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        • AnnettePK says:

          Yes, it is a threat. Also includes profanity – the ‘f’ word, whether he writes out all the letters or not the reader knows what word he is using. In my state it is called ‘curse and abuse’ and it is illegal.

          In my state, showing someone a pocket knife can be a threat.

          Thank you for pointing out the threat aspect of this post. I realize that I missed that obvious aspect of it, and that people I know who are not as likely as I am to become victimized by a spath would have recognized it.

          I am less comfortable having this post remain in the thread without a warning and interpretation. It would be good if this wonderful and helpful site would remain no contact from spaths, and that it would refuse to enable a spath with a platform.



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      • NoMoreWool says:

        I find it interesting that sociopath6 is differentiating between himself (a mere “sociopath”) and his abuser (a full blown “psychopath”). A pity play followed by threats to the community? What is his game?



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        • AnnettePK says:

          Perhaps he is reading all the comments about his post and enjoying the attention, enjoying that we’re spending time thinking about his post, commenting on his post, and being triggered and bothered by the contents of his post.



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  2. Escapefor1 says:

    Funny, my N/P ex-H sent me an email on his birthday, asking where his “happy birthday” was. We were divorced for 2 years, and it wasn’t pretty. I had pretty much stopped talking to him. Of course, I was not wishing him a happy birthday. Probably more I was thinking I wish he was never born (except for having our kids).

    How deluded was he to expect a celebration?! But of course he didn’t. It was just more screwing with me.



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    • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

      Escapefor1
      I’m not surprised he called to remind you of your obligation. They do have that mindset that we ALWAYS “owe” them. yep. more screwing with you. And maybe even a type of warning because you are on his radar.



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  3. Canuck says:

    Catherine my favorite is do not judge till you have walked in another’s shoes.

    Here I go again -on the defensive because evil was a parent. I ran away from ‘home’ for the first time at the age of ten. Married in Seattle at a very young age because had found people who I believe cared for me. Evil stalks. From Ontario my father came and destroyed my husband because his family was naive to evil. When it is a parent nobody calls it stalking or abuse. The cowards way of hiding evil.



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    • Catherine says:

      I don’t judge. I just give my point of view, as much as I don’t judge sociopaths, I haven’t walked in their shoes either. But I am convinced about everybody’s capability to choose what they do and their responsibility in their choices.

      When it is a parent there are also people who call it stalking and abuse, but it depends on those people’s views. They are responsible of their views too and also of being cowards, if it is what they are. We can only choose how we are and how we choose to act, and others do the same. In my opinion, setting our boundaries and looking for people who are align with our values it is one of the most important things in life.



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  4. Canuck says:

    Here is a new one….
    Putting others on the defensive makes one offensive.



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    • Catherine says:

      That one is not for me, as a huge defender of freedom of speech I prefer the one of “I am responsible of what I say, not on how you take it”. In any case, it was by far not my intention to put you on the defensive – in case you are talking about our debate – I am sharing my views, you might agree as well as disagree with them. It is normal that people rule their life differently according to their different views.



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  5. Canuck says:

    You really have know idea of the extent of control the ‘parent’ title gives a human being over another Catherine. Absolutely in the dark because you have never experienced a parent stalker.



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    • AnnettePK says:

      It might be helpful to look into the concept of “boundaries.” The parent’s poor choice to try to control an adult child can’t be changed; but there may be things the victim can do to protect herself and minimize harm.
      It is a hurtful situation and no one should be betrayed by one’s own parents, who are supposed to love, protect and provide for their children. Most parents would give their life for their children. It is heartbreaking when parents harm a child in any way.



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  6. Catherine says:

    I think we rather end the debate here. It is clear that we see it differently and we have expressed both points of view. I believe in full freedom of choice for everybody and you believe that a person can exert a control over an adult, I don’t. I have never experienced a parent stalker (at least I don’t consider it as such) but, as I’ve mentioned, I have a friend who had abusive parents. I say “had” because she doesn’t consider them to be relatives anymore. She considers herself an orphan and that’s how she has chosen to live her life.

    Cheers,



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    • Canuck says:

      I have also had many friends who, but would never consider using HAVING KNOWN PEOPLE WHO as giving the authority to speak as if I actually experienced! I have Asian friends for example and do not use that as an authority on Asian culture. There are so many nuisances involved than if one has not lived, walked in another’s shoes, one need not go Ann Rand.

      Therefore yes please may we end this discussion. Thank You.



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