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Watching the Sociopath Self-Destruct

by Quinn Pierce quinn pierce blog

The Perpetual Victim

I don’t know how he does it.  It’s a skill he continues to practice and perfect, I suppose. What’s astonishing is his ability to twist any situation- no matter how absurd- into something where he can paint himself as the victim.

Anyone who was even remotely involved in our lives last year would know that my ex-husband reached a new level of vindictive, hurtful behavior.  He manipulated every resource he could access including doctors, courts, school systems, and child services in two states.  It was such a forceful and constant barrage of attacks that I didn’t even have time to collect my thoughts before responding.

And that was his goal all along.

Keeping You Off-Balance

The favorite and most commonly used strategy of my ex-husband is the surprise attack.  He will always do his best to catch me off-guard, or corner me at in-opportune times when I’m distracted or not prepared for what he is doing.

He preys on vulnerability and indecisiveness.  It’s a tactic that has always proven successful- especially with me.  What he continues to fail to understand is that while he is incapable of changing, growing, or healing, that is just what his children and I have been doing.

Every day.

A One-Sided Game

My son once returned from a visit with his father and tried to explain to me the bizarre conversations with, and explanations from, his father.  My children are completely aware of their father’s character flaws, shall we say. But, there are still aspects of his personality that baffle them at times.

For example, my son was explaining how my ex-husband described what he believed to be my motives and rationale for things he thinks I’m doing.

The key word here is: thinks . What he thinks I’m doing.

That’s what was confusing to my son.  He knew that none of the things his father was talking about actually took place anywhere in reality.  It’s as if he is fighting a war against me, except that he doesn’t realize that I’m not actually participating. My ex-husband and his wife spend most of their time talking about and anticipating my next move, which would be more conceivable if I ever planned anything ahead of time.  Ironically, one of his biggest pet peeves during our marriage was how ‘unprepared and unorganized’ I was.

It’s funny to think that he now pictures me as some kind of sly, cunning, well-planned enemy biding my time before attacking.  Ironically, I usually consider my day a success if I only lose my car keys once.

Planning ahead is not my greatest strength.  Not engaging in his fictional game of war, however, may just be.

Unraveling at the Seams

My ex-husband caused so much devastation in our family last year, that my older son is now estranged from him completely.  It was a year of blaming, accusing, lying, and threatening me and my children, and yet, my ex is shocked that his children harbor any anger towards him at all.

He insists that I have alienated him from them, and that I have brainwashed them with lies and accusations.  But, while he was playing this fantasy game of war, standing on every soap box he could find, and shouting through every social media channel he could access, I did…nothing.

I didn’t have to.  Once again, he failed to see how strong, independent, and responsible his own children are.  He treated them like they were young, naive, easily manipulated toddlers. More like an image of himself, if you will.

I simply stood back and watched his one-act show go down in flames.  His lies started colliding, his actions became desperate and tantrum-like.  His credibility slowly eroded.

Strength Overtakes Fear

And just like that, my own fears began to fade- giving way to a strength I didn’t know I possessed.  It’s a strength that comes from watching your children come up against adversity and conquer it with a grace that steals your breath. It’s a strength that comes from feeling hopeless and helpless and not giving up.

It’s a strength that comes from surviving years of emotional abuse and believing in yourself enough to say: I will not allow this any more.  It’s a strength that comes from raising children whose integrity and courage inspires others.

And it’s a strength that comes from trusting in the goodness life has to offer in order to find happiness and love.

It’s a strength we will all find on this journey together.

Happy New Year…

 



87 Comments on "Watching the Sociopath Self-Destruct"

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  1. flicka says:

    You two girls speak so eloquently and precisely for all of us! May all our wishes for your happiness be always with you!



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  2. saneandfree says:

    Flicka: You are very kind; thank you and blessings on your life!

    I really liked your poem “The Man in the Glass.” If we could put that poem in front of us every day and just consider our ways, we would make right choices and have good outcomes. If we would just consider our end…it would help us make better, wiser choices to be what we would desire to be at the end of our lives.

    I think that with the spaths, there is a serious disconnect in their lives, hearts and minds. They can’t seem to (or don’t want to) connect the dots. Someone once said that “You can lead a Narcissist to water, but he can’t see his reflection.” So true!

    Awareness that I have somehow been graced to want to live right, that I have been spared from a heart of hate is humbling. I don’t understand how or why it is that I am not like my heartless xnph. When I think back, I was not always so caring. I was selfish. But, by the grace of God, I am not what I was and I am not like my xnph. But, I realize that I might have been if I had chosen selfish greed, bitterness, envy, contempt and hatred. The temptation is ever hovering.

    But, I think that is what separates us from them. We choose not to hate, we strive to forgive, we want to love. For them — they choose the evil over good. For me, that is a mystery. They just can’t see their doom, their disastrous, very sad, lonely end.



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  3. fleeced says:

    Hello all!
    I so look forward to the articles that come into my inbox. This one, “watching the sociopath self-destruct”, completely caught my interest.

    I am just over 2 years post spath, and it has been an incredibly difficult journey. I am STILL struggling along. I cannot seem to release my anger and wanting to see him self destruct, although he is doing just that.

    Once I escaped him, thousands of miles away, I filed a lawsuit against him for fraud among other things. I have won all motions to date, even having his assets frozen, however it is not over yet. Through the courts, it keeps dragging on. We are about to file for Summary Judgement. He has been caught, so to speak, and exposed, but my gosh, his smear campaigns are incredible! I have read that ‘you will never win with a narcissist’. I know I will win in court, however, the scope of the damage he has done to me and my family is completely off the scale! Something, I believe we as a family will never recover from. Things will never be the same again. I am obsessed, even still, with exposing him further and potentially having him arrested. He believes he is omnipotent, and over the years, has been. I read posts and think something is wrong with me for being so rabid in wanting this man to totally self destruct. He, when caught, just seeks out new supply, and gets it. I have so much anger. This is not me. I struggle with my anger and cannot move beyond it. I am stuck here. I don’t hate anyone, but him. I hate him. For the first time in my 50 years, I know the feelings of hate and revenge.

    I like to think when my court case is over, and I have my money back, all will be wonderful again and I will have my life back. Realistically, my life will never be the same again from having him in it. I do not feel safe in trusting, even myself anymore. I know I need to, but cannot dig deep enough yet, to find me again.

    Right now, I think, I’ve given spath enough rope to self-destruct. I understand though that these disordered individuals are capable of skillfully and cunningly distorting truths and stopping at nothing to destroy those they once love-bombed to death.

    Thanks for listening.

    Hugs!

    R



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    • saneandfree says:

      Hi, Soon-to-Get-Your-Fleece Back,

      I could really relate to your post. I am still embroiled in court actions, ad nauseum. If I stop to think about it, it can be very infuriating. It is all so unnecessary, so unfair, so cruel and hateful.

      The slander and outright lies have been the hardest to deal with. When we went to court for the divorce, I was still in denial, so when he assaulted me to humiliate me and twist history (he acted as pro se) I was in shock. Stunned. And hurt to the core.

      That was 2 years ago. I have had lots of time to research personality disorders and re-group. It has been so much to get my mind around. I think one of the hardest parts was to realize that he NEVER EVER loved me at all. It was all a façade. What kind of monster does that? Lovefraud is the lowest of the low. They use something sacred to “fleece” us. That is not only despicable; it is demonic.

      Focusing on them and what they did and are doing can eat up our lives. We can become like Ahab going after Moby Dick. But, we want to survive and have a life after this.

      That being said, I also am in the “holding my xnph to account” stage. All during the 2 decade + so-called “marriage” I yielded and rolled over. I enabled him and unwittingly gave him respectable cover.

      Now that I know who and what he is, I want others to know as well. Not so much for revenge, but so that he is discovered. Let him be found out and hated. Let others be warned. Let his games, cheats and frauds be exposed. Let his house of lies tumble down. Whatever it takes.

      If it takes career failure, arrests, whatever…but, I do not delude myself that my xnph will change. If he got jail time, he would use it as “finishing school.” I used to hope that my xnph would come to his senses and change — if he were broken enough. It doesn’t seem to happen for “them”; that epiphany only happens to normal human beings.

      You are right, they always seem to find new victims. Even Ted Bundy had women writing to him in prison wanting to marry him.

      I have gotten so much mud slung at me, it is not to be believed. And, that used to crush me. And, he played that fear of mine — about his anger and withholding affection — he used that against me. How low is that?

      He would guilt trip me to manipulate me. He still tries by writing e-mails to my attorney in hopes that I will see them and it will push my buttons. Sometimes I see them (and they are low!) and they upset me, but I hold fast to NO CONTACT. He gets no response from me. NC also means that we don’t fester about them. That is hard when we are still in the courts.

      We have an upcoming hearing and my xnph will once again act as pro se and get to “interrogate” me. I hate his voice and his face and his person and what he tries to do. So I have to really prepare to stand firm and not be moved. I pray for grace.

      It will be a victory to let him see that I am unaffected by his tactics. So far, it has been a mercy as the hearing has been postponed 4 times already. It kills them when we are indifferent.

      The good news for us is that they do self-destruct. We just have to stand back and watch (at a safe distance, LOL). Their lies will come back on them like a boomerang. The hole that they dug for us — they will fall into it. And, the stone they set rolling to crush us, will roll back and crush them.

      Evil is its own reward and punishment.

      Trusting anyone again is hard. They did some serious damage in that arena. But, because we have learned something important about life (the reality of evil) we will go forward wiser and more cautiously. When a bone has been broken and set and has healed, it is much stronger at the break than anywhere else.

      I truly believe that if we hold onto good, we can and will overcome. Good does overcome evil in that way. Evil cannot touch good. Good has a protective force field around it.

      As for the damage done…you have probably heard this…there was a farmer who had a donkey and the farmer decided to kill him. But, the farmer didn’t want to waste a bullet, so he threw the donkey into a well.

      Everyday the farmer would come and throw his trash into the well on top of the donkey.

      The donkey would just shake off the garbage and step on top of it.

      Day after day this continued. The farmer would throw trash into the well on top of the donkey; the donkey would shake it off and climb on top of the growing mound of trash.

      One day the farmer threw in some trash, but it was so close to the top of the well, that when the donkey shook it off and stomped on it, he was high enough to just walk out.

      And, that is what we can do: shake it off, stomp on it, and climb up and out.

      Hugs!



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    • undertheradar says:

      Fleeced

      Good name and oh how it sings the song of your situation.

      Hate and revenge are not your strong suit! Your strengths lie in compassion and love! The reason you’re struggling with it is because you (and all of us to some degree) it goes against everything you are on an emotional level. You want to hate, you want revenge, but ultimately this is what is causing the feelings you so desperately want to rid yourself of…

      Please don’t get me wrong here honey because I’m on your side, but these foreign attitudes towards the sociopaths, just make us feel bed because they don’t resonate with our true selves.

      I’m trying to live as authenticity (myself) as possible, without buying into the drama my spath has caused. I need to bring forth my truth and let him suffer at his own hands, let him live out his own karma and try not to play in it myself as this causes disharmony in my system. I’M TRYING! One day at a time…

      I know this may sound a little hypocritical as I’ve had a hospital visit from an undercurrent of fear but, I know how all this works on an intellectual level and with practice I’ll sure I’ll get my mind and emotions to connect one day soon…lol 😉

      Good luck with everything honey but try and stay as true to yourself as possible – once you become them, you cannot be defended…



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  4. undertheradar says:

    Saneandfree

    Thanks for the compliment! I’ll take it because, as you are very aware, they have been very few and far between!

    I’m glad you’re back on the right path, even though our hearts still suffer from the occasional twinge of compassion, I’m absolutely convinced that none of us will give them a thought in years to come, even if it takes 3 years before my spath fronts a jury over the allegations he’s being investigated for….OMG what was I thinking when I ignored my instincts?



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    • saneandfree says:

      Undertheradar: I don’t think that any of us had a chance against their schemes, manipulations, and illusions. For me, I disabled my instincts, giving him the benefit of the doubt. That won’t happen again with anyone. I’m older and wiser now and my boundaries are like Fort Knox.



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      • undertheradar says:

        Saneandfree

        Lol I can relate to “Fort Knox”
        If I get only one thing out of the 14years of a lie then my life lesson was to ALWAYS TRUST MY INSTINCTS no matter what!
        I no longer need proof, I no longer allow others to talk me out of WHAT I KNOW – on every level of my awareness and I’ll ALWAYS give my instincts the benefit of the doubt! I can actually look back on my entire life and see that this has been a long time coming kinda lesson! I’m not going to dwell on the ignorance I gave to my (higher) self but be grateful that I’ve finally got it through my thick head and don’t need to attract something even more sinister to learn a valuable lesson – God could you imagine what I’d have to attract if I still hadn’t learned this lesson! Thank me! Thank me! For finally realising 😉



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