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I was chewed up and spit out in a ‘classic’ manner and at record speed

Spath Tales Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who goes by the name “two is enough.”

I have been involved with not one, but two, sociopaths, just over a decade apart.

I encountered the first when I was 19 years old — young, naive, and utterly ignorant to the existence of personality disorders. The damage I incurred was mind-bogglingly devastating — I died emotionally, and, quite literally almost physically, from his abuse.

In time though, I learned to be kind to myself over becoming a victim, because I truly didn’t see it coming.

Once in the throes of a disordered relationship with him, I lacked the experience to tell me that this wasn’t normal or healthy.

In retrospect, he was a much lesser-developed (maybe just less experienced in wielding his “black magic” upon women) sociopath than I would experience later in life, because, honestly, again in retrospect, all the “classic” signs were there, loud and clear.

If only I’d had the slightest bit of awareness or healthy relationship experience to draw upon, I could’ve seen his pathology coming from a hundred miles away! But, being young, naive, and idealistic, I did not. I leapt happily into his web of deceit and destruction without the slightest inkling of danger.

I was chewed up and spit out (idealized/devalued/discarded) in a “classic” manner and at record speed.

The entire “relationship” (such as it was) lasted a mere 10 months, but the aftermath nearly killed me, and full recovery took me a full 10 years.

The ensuing decade was filled with therapy, schooling (I changed my major to psychology as a result of this relationship), as well as two long-term relationships with exceptionably loving and patient “healthy” (non-disordered) men, to help me overcome the trauma my young psyche had experienced at the hands of this sociopath.

The sociopath had been my first “love” and was my first sexual partner, so given those factors alone, he would have been significant enough of a player in the history of my life — and the breakup/recovery painful enough — WITHOUT the added ‘benefit’ of the full-on destruction that his pathology inflicted upon me

With the second and most recent encounter of the disordered kind, however, I cannot claim the excuse of young innocence or ignorance. No, this most recent time I was targeted and successfully victimized. I was mature, experienced in life and love, successful and professional, well-educated (in the field of psychology, no less), and far from naïve.

This time, I SAW the signs, I knew the facts, I almost foresaw my ruin at his hands before his hands had even touched my body. Yet, I STILL became his willing victim.

For three years, I existed in a trance-like state, hopelessly addicted to the sexual element of our relationship, and insanely attached to the vision of the “perfect family/perfect future” that I fantasized we would share together (due to his master manipulations).

Every time I was able to detach *just* enough to do a quick fact-check, I chose to ignore what I knew and what I observed, and the uneasiness that I felt in my initial intuitions towards this man, because, well, he — and the highs I felt from my addiction to him — was just THAT good.

Where my first sociopath was a younger college guy who was a fairly reckless and “green” sociopath just starting out (I believe I was one of his first true victims), this second sociopath was the real deal … a true professional, mature, very experienced (read: hard to detect), and, now I realize, absolutely terrifying.

I was definitely “not his first rodeo.”

My suspicion now is that he has single-handedly left dozens of women’s lives in utter ruin. And this time, in the brutal aftermath following his discard of me, it is not just me whose life has been devastated and turned (maybe irreparably) upside down. This time, there is a child’s life that is in jeopardy — MY child, and, unfortunately, also HIS biological child.

This time, I’m seeing the “black magic” that a sociopath can so easily wield over even intelligent, strong women is just as easily wielded over the Family Court system, to the detriment of their own flesh and blood.

My Sociopath Number Two is using an innocent child (just 13 months old) as a pawn in his sick game now.

Nightmare doesn’t even begin to describe it.

 



7 Comments on "I was chewed up and spit out in a ‘classic’ manner and at record speed"

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  1. donewiththat says:

    Procreating with those creatures is never good. They don’t care for others, even their own flesh and blood, but they will use them to get what they want.



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  2. Jan7 says:

    I’m glad that you know the truth now by finding your way to LF…that is some freedom from your nightmare.

    You have been through so much it saddens me greatly that generation of women after generation of women are not told the truth/educated in school (how to spot a sociopath) and with much sadness the madness of abuse never stops.

    For support with court issues/child custody look at the site Onemomsbattle. com, her two books and their facebook page One moms battle. Open a fake email account then a fake facebook account with the fake name so that you can speak freely but most importantly so that the sociopath can not see what you are writing or his family/friends plus the facebook pages After Narcissistic abuse and Psychopath free…all three are great support sites.

    On One moms battle facebook ask for specific details in a post on how to get a court order mental evaluation on your ex then get one asap as this will help you greatly with having the court see exactly what you have been dealing with = a sociopath.

    Also google “no contact rule narcissist” and “low contact rule narcissist” (Lovefraud has info on this as well) FOLLOW THESE RULES it is the only way to have peace in your life when you still need to deal with a sociopath.

    Do not accept phone calls from him or text only emails (this is for court reasons/peace) never answer an email the same day unless it is a true emergency with regards to your child, never answer a ranting email from him ever just ignore all together. remember he wants to screw with your mind for fun do not give him this chance ignore him he will eventually move on to another supply….

    it’s best to answer his email a day or two later this way you have time to think about what you want to state back to him plus you want to keep your emotions out of the email for two reason 1) your ex wants to push your buttons for fun dont give him this chance ever 2) for the court to see that you are a calm rational person and if he sends you ranting emails this is great to show the court how your ex really is with regards to his bad behavior. Keep all of your emails short and to the point ie you can pick up our son at 5 pm

    Always have a witness with you when you are transferring your child to him or picking you child up or go to a public place with cameras ie inside McDonald etc do not have a personal conversation with him telling him to put what ever he needs to state in an email to you that way you can have peace and it is documented.

    Keep a journal with dates, times, locations etc of his bad behavior ask a trusted family member/friend to do the same when you tell them of his bad behavior as these journals can be used in court. Document, document, document everything.

    Read books on how to form boundaries and do this with your ex…he will hated that he is loosing control over you so make sure you have safety measures in place.

    Keep reading everything you can get your hands on with regards to sociopath abuse this will help you to avoid sociopaths in your future. the book The gift of fear by Gavin Debecker is a must read for every woman on this planet. Google “Oprah Gavin Debecker” to watch their interview. Both will remind you to follow your first gut reaction. You state that you were in a “trance like state” this is very true sociopath actually hypnosis and can trance their victims literally so following your gut when you immediately sense someone is a sociopath so that he/they do not do this to you. See the book Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan and Woman who love psychopath by Sandra Brown for more info on trance/hypnosis/mind control.

    Wishing you all the best!



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  3. Viewpoint says:

    I know that this is a website for venting and I know that you need to vent. I’m going to assume that that’s all you needed to do because you’re an insightful woman.

    However, I want to caution you about the downside of “venting support”: That it can get you going to hysterical and that’s never a great approach to managing the complications in the aftermath. You can wind up to be trigger happy and provoke.

    Trying to find the place between not being naive but not being yourself problematic in this situation that involves a child is your challenge… especially since you’re very hurt/very wounded. This challenge is one of the biggest you may ever encounter because the stakes are high: About the welfare of a helpless other as well as yours.

    Your welfare will actually depend on your child’s welfare…Any good parent will tell you this in spades whose had a child with troubles of any sort. A child’s welfare depends on you knowing what he/she needs and providing that. It’s not what you need. The first essential need is you having a sound perspective. And that is built on a confidence in yourself that as difficulties arise, you will manage those without over reacting because you know that the stone thrown in the pond makes waves. You’re in the heat of managing the complications of an endings aftermath. You’re both in that heat. Gotta cool things down; it’s always in your best interest to do so. Always.

    I respectfully disagree with Jan7’s advice to get yourself educated on sociopath stuff because it’s bound to get you in peril of over reacting. Of course, you’re going to not take my advice to stay clear of such material because you have an emotional need to read it. So, the most realistic thing that I can urge is that you confine it to just personal entertainment. If/when you sense the material is riling you up or giving you the heebie jeebies, you’ve got to take back control; starting with what perspective you know will be in your child’s best interest and yours.

    I don’t know this crum bum, of course. But here’s the thing: You don’t know him for real and for all time either as it pertains to raising the child you share. No, he’s not going to make “Man of the Year” because he’s not there to raise the babe with you and he damn well should be. So, what can you do to be some kind of inspiration to him to rally for his child and help raise him? Will you start with the premise that the child you share is just as dear to him as he/she is to you? What can you do to reduce the threat to the crum bum that he will be denied his child… The same threat you feel?* Will you say things/do things that might give the crum bum the sense that he is important to the babe… even adored? Will you not measure the crum bum’s impact on his child on the things he does that impact you?(Because the crum bum is bound to irk and inconvenience you.. witlessly and intentionally) Will you work your ass off to be absolutely true to your child’s well being…Keeping what you need from the crum bum separate from what your child needs from his/her father?

    It does take a lot of work to do the right thing by your child in a split parent situation. Helps to find someone to inspire the effort and keep you true to it. (I love the “Dear Sugar” advice columns written by the Cheryl Stayed who wrote “Wild”, her personal account of her trek to get a grasp on her life. She goes deep in a nurturing and knowing laugh way humorous way… She makes the swallow easier).

    I owe a son of mine the resurrection of my sound thinking when I got traumatized and had to deal with the perpetrator and the legal system. (My son had to have gotten sound thinking from me, right? I raised him and his brothers as a single parent.) He kept me from acting on anything under the surface of the legal issues.. to include my notions of justice. He discouraged the useless notion of a grand plot by the perp or casting the perp as all knowing and impenetrable. Getting me back to sound not only made me rather sail through the legal machinations but made me put myself in the perp’s shoes to find constructive ways to resolutions which were far more powerful than the court would ever be.

    (Court stuff is scarey, I know. It doesn’t work on your timeline of needs and it doesn’t give two shits about you. Understand this: It doesn’t give a shit about your crum bum either. And understand that the attorneys and the court are well acquainted with conflict… That’s their business. It’s going to go this way: The attorneys will try to get a resolution between you but they don’t expect it until the 11th hour when the case is taken to the court and you guys are primed from fear to start working things out. Up to then, these attorneys will mollify you both with notions that they’re prepared to fight tooth and nail for you but there aren’t that many teeth/nails to fight; it’s really pretty much laid out: A joint custody, primary domecile picked or ordered, an amount of child support and a visitation schedule. If none of those issues have you/your perps fingerprints on them, both of you will be more unhappy than you would have been to resolve them between you.

    So, you wait for the 11th hour when there’s a chance your crum bum is ready to deal. You don’t waste your time/money on the attorney before then.

    And between now and then, you start your own cultivation of generosity/good will because it’s the only productive thing you can do. Too, courts have great disdain for high conflict custody cases just like we have for clients/customers/employees/employers who give us headaches. Courts have wised up to their own welfare: They look for the parent who appears more cooperative as much as they consider the child’s welfare.

    And last, something a lawyer friend told me once: Remember your lawyer has feelings too. He may not serve you better for you being easy to talk to, but he can serve you worse if you are a PIB with him.)

    It’s been 2 years since I took stock in what my son said… took it to heart for real. Guess who was standing by me when the doctor gave me the results of the tests? Guess who would stand by if the results had been real bad? The perp. Don’t think my perp not in the big league of perps so far as betrayal and exploitation: He managed to pull them off masterfully on me, no dumb bunny like you.
    Be hurt, be wounded, be afraid… But don’t be crazy. Be masterful: Take control of your perspective to have control over your destiny (and your child’s). Know behind all the noise, the crum bum is no more certain than you about anything.

    *You will get primary domecile because of the age of your child unless there is a very justifiable reason that your child isn’t safe with you… Which doesn’t look the case to me. And from there, you get primary domecile until your child wants to change that. What you want to get, though, is a father who cares about your child.



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    • AnnettePK says:

      Knowledge about sociopaths is power, and can help a victim think clearly and logically. In my experience, it does not cause over reacting, but rather leads to helpful responses.

      Consider that assuming that the victim will not take your advice isn’t necessary or helpful. Discerning the probable helpfulness of advice and whether to follow through with it, is out of the advisor’s control.



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  4. sykntyrd says:

    Amen to your comments on our nation’s ‘family court’ system. An absolute oxymoron. I’ve posted on this topic in the past – – and am convinced many officers of the court suffer from similar personality disorders. Be very cautious – – the courts and attorneys- – yes, even your own – – care little about right and wrong, it’s solely about money and power. Oh, you can throw in sex, too. It’s often a contributing factor!



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  5. Delores says:

    My children are grown and my divorce from the psychopath was 40 years ago. If I had to do it again I would have forgone all child support for him to give up his parental rights. I would have taken my children far away and told them he was dead. Even though back then I got sole custody, I believed that he was a decent father and that the children needed him in their lives. He made my life and their lives miserable whenever he could with child support games, parenting games, holiday games, weddings, etc. and the whole time he was subliminally turning my children against me. Or do they always turn to the parent who was not there for them?

    By all means though, hold it together. I did until a few years ago when he targeted our adult daughter. He turned her against me with lies, pity ploys over his 3rd divorce and trying to force himself back into our lives. I still did not try to keep my daughter from seeing him I simply refused to see him myself but he twisted it around to the point that she accused me of lying, believed him and moved to where he lives. I just could not take it anymore and I lost it. I also lost the daughter I protected from him and raised without any help from him except child support in the process. Even so, it is better than having him in my life forever. I am free of him at last and I raised my children to the very best of my ability in spite of him.



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  6. still reeling says:

    First of all, SO sorry, “Two,” for all that you’ve been through.
    I haven’t read comments above, but I do have concern for your child. Being a psychologist, I know you know that ASPDs can be genetic. I also believe that with the right nurture, there is hope for almost any child. My heart is with you there.

    So much of what you said resonated with me….my experience was similar in that the first time I was w/a socio, I was so innocent and had no experience or thoughts at all that this guy (studying to become a therapist!) was anything but smart, healthy, wonderful. He even told me he was “insecure w/women.” I thought that was great let him know stupidly, “ME too!” Just what he wanted to hear. He emotionally beat the living stuffing out of me, calling to accuse me of “going out on him” after we’d only been out once, then shutting me out only to lure back in. He insulted me in front of friends of his that I really liked and respected, as well as in front of their teenage kids. He was a miserable puke. The last straw was when he told me our plans for a wonderful day, which included those teenagers was not going to happen….with me. I was allowed to come to the event, but couldn’t hang out with him. I dumbly went anyway (an org we both belonged to) but left immediately as he strutted around in front of me, acting as if I didn’t exist. I can’t say I wasn’t warned. The organization’s director, a wonderful person, told me that I needed to be wary of this guy, that she knew him well and we were *not* a good pair. Later, I found out from other members that he was a cad, used women w/the org like rubber bands, then flicked them away. One evening when I was onsite, he came over to me, all sad and apologetic. I told him to get out of my face and NEVER TO approach me again. The woman who was on duty with me clapped and winked at me. I just thought he was a jerk, but he was definitely a socio. Had every single trait.

    Yrs later, I met the path. Like you, I realized right away that he was crazy. These could have been my words:

    “Every time I was able to detach *just* enough to do a quick fact-check, I chose to ignore what I knew and what I observed, and the uneasiness that I felt in my initial intuitions towards this man, because, well, he — and the highs I felt from my addiction to him — was just THAT good.”

    I could not describe it any better. EXACTLY.

    I have not been around this monster for 3 years. I don’t care what happens to him and hope he gets locked up somewhere for the rest of his life. I am still hungover from him and always will be because I still feel he gyped me and I can’t get rid of that feeling.

    My heart truly goes out to you, “Two.” From reading your devastating story, I am convinced there are just some of us who are drawn to and react deeply to socios and their ilk. Not sure why and no one is. Realize they are master manipulators but I don’t think, in my case, that made any difference at all. As you said, there is a high in there somewhere that I can’t identify and it appeals to some people and not others.

    I hope more than I can describe that life becomes 100% better for you, “Two.” Perhaps this child will be your life saver. The healthier you can be for him/her, the better life will become for you as well. Genuine love and devotion is so healing and healthy for you both. All the very best to you and thanks for sharing your story. I feel like I went through it with you.



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