Editor’s Note: This letter to Lovefraud was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who goes by the name “Lil’ Bit.”
This is a three-part letter. Read Part 1 – The Imbalance. This is Part 2 – Absolute Power.
Kindhearted people too often are preyed upon by Narcissists
I have known many Narcissists in my lifetime. I had not yet been schooled on the psychology of narcissism though, but looking back now, obviously my education had begun, I just had not realized yet what it was that I was seeing. I chuckle still as I recall X exclaim that he could relate well with all my exes, evil men, drug addicts, pedophiles, violent men and thieves, who like him, once they realized they could not be who they pretended to be, sought to destroy me.
Damn, if only I had opened my eyes sooner and Googled, way back when, the words I did when I had the first of the many ah ha moments in my quest to understand just how he could live with himself. Double standard, liar and cold hearted; Yep that’s how I stumbled upon my start at understanding the disorder, I simply Googled the words that best described the beast I found underneath his mask.
X forced me to be totally dependent on him
Now, my mother had been ill for several years and a year into my relationship with the Narcissist, she was in the final stages of her life. Mom hated X, saw right thru him, but I wrote it off to bitterness and ignored her warnings and hence sadly avoided her, a guilt that will haunt me forever. X’s insecurities, (which I then still believed were due to all the women that he claimed had cheated on the poor man), made him so clingy and controlling that he couldn’t even allow me to be away from him so I could spend her last night on earth with her. I won’t elaborate more than just to mention that though I was willed my mothers home, the ex would not allow me to claim it because he did not want the liability of the property, causing me to lose yet another tidbit of what might have been some future security for me. Any such thing that might have given me any security outside of him was a threat to his mission. He attempted to own every part of me and force me to be totally dependent on him. Too broke by then because all of that inheritance X had managed to con me out of under the guise of repayment, to even cover my mothers services myself. X covered my portion of the bill split with my sisters and then a week or so later I was given monetary gifts from his family to assist with her services, because as they claimed then and so many other times, I was family. The monetary gifts I handed straight to X upon opening those cards. It was only a little over a month after Mom passed that we called off the wedding briefly, when I inquired once again as to my name still not being on the account X claimed the repayment of that loan I made to him only then still that summer before was being paid into. He then claimed to close the account stating that he no longer owed me any of it because I had paid him so little to sleep in his bed, so I left.
I left… temporarily
Unable to stand anything he took as being critical of him, any time I ever tried to speak with him about anything, he managed in narcissistic rage, to turn it back on me. So, true to his penchant for projection, the argument quickly turned from being about me having the audacity to inquire of the repayment of that loan he had indeed promised to repay (but only then let me know he felt he no longer owed me), to all the money I put toward the house my son lived in thru school and the money he fronted to cover my moms services. It was during this month of indecision, that I realize now way too late, that I should have bailed and filed suit then for the repayment of that loan but instead I continued to believe that he wasn’t as evil as he proved to be later but just didn’t get it, needing to believe too much I suppose that he was kind and decent and trust worthy. But the red flags were already there and waving higher than they even had before.
A conversation with X’s brother
You see when we split for that near month, among other sick claims and head games, X insisted I repay that money to his family that had been given in sympathy cards to assist with my mom’s services. Of course his brother denied that they wanted the gifts back (this by the way is just among the first of many experiences where X relayed to me words he put in other peoples mouths, its a narcissistic trick he played well to keep me feeling insecure about all my relationships). Because of that statement by X that his family wanted their money back I held an hour long conversation with his brother regarding many things, i.e, the family’s claimed admiration of me, a few of his own marital disappointments, his brothers issues and insecurities, our financial agreements regarding the two households between us, as well as that large loan which his brother later claimed in court to know nothing about. The definition of Perjury being: A crime that occurs when an individual willfully makes a false statement during a judicial proceeding, after he or she has taken an oath to speak the truth.
I gave X complete control over all of my money
It was upon one of several attempts to reconcile during that drawn out argument over the loan when X drew up the written agreement to repay the loans I had made to him that previous summer, but also he did so only after I agreed to begin sending him $350 out of each of my paychecks (at the time $700 monthly — half of my earnings). I also agreed to allow him absolute power over my property. He would in turn cover my personal needs, debts and all groceries etc. Because he was only getting half of my meager earnings he insisted on keeping the $600 per month my son and his roommates were paying to live in my house. X assured me he would pay back those loans from the summer before after he paid for our wedding (drunk-fest he insisted our reception be), honeymoon and his old debts that mysteriously cropped up. True to my too-trusting nature, I mistakenly never demanded any proof of what he did with my money. Since all meals had to meet his tastes only anyway, and since all my extra money was going to him already, leaving me nothing to carry in my own purse, I conceded. Not yet married, I took this as a sort of trial run that he insisted I prove capable of.
Again I left … temporarily
So, he looked out for his interests, made the purchases he wanted, always shopping (among other things) while I was at work. He paid his bills while mine sat to mount and my interests all went to s**t, assuring me he would undo the damages later. I can’t even explain how any of it made sense then because it sure doesn’t make sense to me now. He was just that good at convincing me to trust him, perhaps I just needed to believe I could trust someone, and he knew it.
Now in regards to that written agreement about the loan he claims never existed, he ripped it up later in one of the several arguments over that loan he also claimed at trial that we never had about it. Claiming as he shredded the note that I had to prove I trusted him or just leave, so again I left, however briefly, having been distraught to realize only then that in all my attempts to prove my commitment to him believing his empty promises, he had made sure there was nothing and nowhere already by that point for me to go back to. So yeah, unfortunately I stayed, erroneously believing doing so was my only chance to recoup any of which had obviously already been swindled from me.
Oh my goodness there was my chance to get out and I blew it, as I could have put off the marriage if not indefinitely as he claimed then there was no money for the wedding, big drunk-fest he had to have or the honeymoon he boasted in his narcissistic showboat fashion to everyone we would take. But no, instead I handed him another $3,000, my last tax refund with dependent deductions. In my defense I was in love, but not with the man he really is.
Tomorrow: Part 3 – Escape, Freedom and Love