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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Alone. Exhausted. Lonely. Stressed. Stuck.

Editor’s note: This letter was submitted by the Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Billyjean.” All names in this letter have been changed. Donna Andersen will comment on this story tomorrow.

When I met “Joseph,” I had been through my fair share of heartbreak. I was a single mum with a five-year-old little girl, who had little contact with her dad, a Swedish national, and, as I was from overseas, I had no family here. No grandma and grandpa for her, no aunties or uncles. I had to be everything. I did my best to give her a happy home. Dating as a single parent is tricky. You have to consider carefully when is the right time to introduce a prospective new partner to your little one.

Single-parent dating

Joseph was very warm and affectionate — I laughed a lot with him. He was shy at first, but once he opened up, he talked non-stop. He made my heart sing, and I found myself falling in love again for the first time in a few years. I was excited and scared all at once.

When the time came to introduce him to my five-year-old daughter, everything fell into place. They bonded easily, she was over the moon about him and over time, as our relationship developed and we later married, she called him “daddy.” He was effectively the only daddy she had known for most of her life, since her biological father had little contact with her and lived in another state (nine hours drive away) with his new family.|

Changes after marriage

However, not long after we married, I noticed Joseph started acting a bit differently. He seemed tense more often, and we weren’t connecting the way we used to. He seemed distanced and we argued a lot.

I asked him what was going on, if there was anything I could do to help; he said he was just stressed. Money was a real hot topic, as there never seemed to be enough of it for some reason, and I knew he didn’t bet/drink/smoke/do drugs, and was wondering where it was all going.

As I was doing post-grad study at the time, I was quite low on money as well, but somehow managed to loan him a fair chunk of money. After all, we were married, whatever is mine, is his, right? However, he refused to open a joint bank account, or be open about where he was spending his money. It was never really ‘our’ money.

I still felt a bit uneasy, and I asked him if he was having an affair. He was insulted and angry I could even suggest such a thing. But I felt something wasn’t right.

A baby on the way

Time went on, and we tried to improve things; we had wanted to have a baby as he didn’t have any of his own, and we wanted a sibling for my daughter. I was ecstatic when I found out we were expecting.

Sadly, the excitement wore off, as things started changing. We used to be intimate frequently, but things died off quickly, and once I found out I was pregnant, he refused to do anything physical with me at all. It was a combination of fear of hurting the baby, which I tried to explain was irrational; and also disgust/freaked out. I later discovered that my husband’s withdrawal was for much bigger reasons than I expected and my heart was about to be shattered yet again.

Cheating on line

I received a message one day on Facebook, of all places, from some mystery woman, let’s call her “Fiona,” saying that she had met my husband on a dating site, and how stupid and naive I was that I was married to this guy while he was on dating sites and dating her and telling her he wanted to be in a relationship with her. I was stunned.

Her Facebook messages continued, increasing with harassment and detail, and also “tell Joseph I’m pregnant.” I cried. I confronted Joseph about it, and demanded to know who she was, for she kept creating fake accounts to contact me, which would not allow me to reply to any of her messages. She could just keep harassing me from multiple accounts at will and it hurt. A lot.

Joseph denied he ‘did anything’ with the woman, saying that he met her before he even met me and she was ‘some crazy chick’ who he met for coffee once but decided not to go any further as he wasn’t interested in her, and she didn’t like being rejected and started to harass him to the point he had to change his number.

But things didn’t make sense. Her messages continued and I again demanded Joseph explain who she was so we could report her to the police for harassment. He claims he couldn’t remember her full name, didn’t know where she lived, or have her number anymore. I didn’t believe him.

Investigation yielded much

So, in light of this, I was a bit naughty and installed a key logger on our computer and I was able to find out a lot more.

A word of warning: if you go looking for something, you WILL find it. And the question is: are you prepared for what you will find?

I wasn’t. I discovered it went much deeper. I found out that not long after we married, he was indeed registered not on one dating site, but many, including adult sites. He was also contacting escorts on Locanto, a free website where there are a lot of adult ads. I found a phone number of another lady he cheated on me with — let’s name her “Mary.”

Another ‘other woman’

Of course, what runs through your mind? Was I not pretty enough? Thin enough? Did I do something wrong? While I was home cooking and cleaning and folding his clothes, he was out sleeping with this woman behind my back? That’s how I get repaid for my love and loyalty?

I found photos of her and found she was larger than me, so clearly it wasn’t size. Gathering up much courage, I called her. I had to know.

She was actually really nice, and under other circumstances, could see how she could easily be a good friend. When I spoke to her, I was again astounded. She told me a heartbreaking story, how she was a single mother, with a two-year-old little girl; she had been with her partner for seven years and pregnant, when she found out he was cheating on her with another woman who also became pregnant at the same time. She was understandably devastated, broke up with him and moved back in with her parents. She eventually got the courage up to try dating again, went to a dating website, where she met my husband, and told him this story, and explained to him that she really wanted to make sure the next man she is with is honest, a family man and wants a long term relationship.

He looked her in the eyes (knowing he was married to me and I was pregnant) and said, “Yes, me too’ and ‘if you’re good with me, I’ll be good with you, no lies.”

A double life

She was shocked to learn that he had been living this double life. I was so hurt. I couldn’t believe he could lie so easily to so many of us and not even consider for one second the heartbreak he was causing, not only for us adults, but the children as well.

Not long after I discovered the extent of his lies, I kicked him out of the house. It was messy. It was heartbreaking. It was hard. I even had to call the police, as I was so angry I threw all of his things out into the yard and was trembling with anger and hurt and he refused to go. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and terrified to tell anyone the truth. I kept up pretences, when people asked about how things were going with us, I said ‘fine’ and kept posting family photos on Facebook for my family overseas, to pretend all was fine, when really I was falling apart.

Pretences masked the truth

He was adamant he wanted to ‘fix things’ and promised to not go on any dating sites, etc.  During the time we were apart, it was very hard. Being pregnant, feeling your swelling belly, the baby kicking — a time that’s supposed to be magical, wonderful, family. I was all alone.

It was hard holding back tears when I was in the waiting room at the hospital during my checkups, watching these other couples holding hands, smiling, and the husband rubbing his hand over her tummy, eager with anticipation.

But not me. Not even my mom could go with me, for all of my family still lives overseas.

Sexually transmittable infection

I started to feel unwell later in pregnancy and was told I had an STI [sexually transmittable infection] that could affect the uterus. I had been tested regularly before I was married, and was only with Joseph for years, so I knew full well where it came from.

He seemed more worried about himself than the fact he endangered me and the baby and never even explained or apologized, just rushed himself to a clinic to get checked, but never said anything more.

The connection was dead

Even through all this, I felt like we were Christians, married, we were having a baby, and we should try to fix things, and frankly the idea of being a single mum again now with two children from two different dads terrified me.

I encouraged him to get help; he went to see his GP and got a referral to see a psychologist, but he refused to go. He refused marriage counseling. He did keep coming to visit me, but the connection was dead. I kept thinking about him with these other women every time I saw him and it pierced my heart. I actually wanted to hit him, it hurt so much.

A son didn’t make a difference

I asked him why he did it and why does he keep doing it. He said he never meets them, he does it because he is bored, because I kicked him out and he was lonely, or ‘I don’t know’.

I ask “but surely, what is the point of asking an escort what her rates are, what she does, and if she is available, if you don’t have any intentions of meeting up with her,” and he replies things like, “I was curious.”  To which I reply, “Well, after you have an answer a couple of times, then you would know, so why keep asking others?” and asking how is that going to fix things between us, when we separated because of this?

I kept asking if he was going to come to the birth; he kept playing games, saying “why not have your friend go” — so I was never sure if he was coming or not. But the day before the scheduled caesarean, he agreed to come. He was with me in the labor room the day our son was born. He cried. I thought for sure, something would click in his mind that he is a father now, and he should stand up as a man and think of his son at the very least.

Wedding photos became dating profile shots

But I discovered he registered on a new dating site the very same night our son was born after he left from the hospital. He used photos of himself from our wedding day for his profile. I cannot tell you how much that hurts.

When I confronted him later about this, his reply was “it’s just a photo,” without thinking there was any sentiment attached to the day — because I guess for him, there wasn’t any. It was just any other day for him. All a big joke.

Alone

I have been completely alone since our son was born, since no family could come and I couldn’t go back home as the plane tickets  are insanely expensive, and my ex doesn’t want me to leave the country with the baby, even though he can’t be bothered being a family (to his credit, he has been financially supportive, however).

Trying to raise an eight-year-old girl and a newborn baby with a broken heart is hard on the best of days.

I also got very sick after the baby was born, no doubt largely due to so much long-term ongoing stress.I developed multiple infections and ended up back in hospital for several days, and had to somehow figure out who would look after my daughter while I was in hospital. And coming home to care for two kids without any help when you’re recovering from a caesarean and massive infections was so difficult, I don’t know how I survived.

Still only separated with no divorce in sight

The complexity in this scenario has been even though we’ve been separated for several months, he rented a place as close as he could to me, just two streets away. He refuses to divorce and keeps saying he wants to be a family.

I tell him his actions have shown differently, and I do not want to be with him, please give me space. I have requested he only comes on certain days and times to see the baby, but he won’t give me space and won’t abide by my requests of visitation. If I don’t answer his calls or messages, he shows up at the door. He often asks if I have plans or who I’m with or if I have/had any visitors.

Stuck in financial dependency

I have spoken to counselors and others quietly about this, and they suggested trying an intervention order, but after speaking to a lawyer it seems almost a joke, like a piece of paper that just says he has to be nice to me, since we have a son and he is allowed to have access. And, if I did that, he would withdraw any financial support.

In total, he owes me a fair bit of money from over the years, which he has started paying a bit here and there, but as a lot of it was on my credit cards with high interest, the amounts basically only cover interest and I’m drowning in debt.

I feel like such an idiot. The lawyers told me that basically the only way I could try to recover the money would be to sue him, as he doesn’t make enough to qualify for any kind of spousal maintenance, and the amount I would likely pay in lawyers would probably wash out anything I could get from suing him – that is even IF it went ahead, and IF he could/would pay, which is also unlikely.

Heart shattered

The hard thing is, he continually says that he loves me, and despite all the madness there is a part of me that still loves him. I guess it’s the memory of how he was at the beginning and wishing he could be like that again, but it feels like it was all a façade. Now my feelings for him have changed understandably to the point I almost hate him.

My heart has been shattered into tiny pieces and I’m afraid to trust anyone again. It’s also really weird that he adores our son in ways — he visits him daily (despite my request not to) and buys a lot of things for him. Living in the city is very expensive, and as I can’t afford the rents on my own, he is helping me with the rent even though he’s not living here. However, this has meant that he feels he has the ‘right’ to drop by anytime he wants and still considers this his home in a way — he still refuses to change his address on any mail.

I would have to move quite far away to afford my own place, isolating myself even further and having less opportunities and moving my daughter’s school that she loves and has been in for the last four years.

I tried renting out one bedroom to a student in my tiny apartment, but it’s too complicated and risky and we don’t have the space (I had put the baby in my room and rented out his room for students, so it was crazy cramped).  I really hated having my space invaded and they often stay short term and you’re always having to keep looking for replacement.

Can’t get a break

I feel really stuck, I never ever get a break, I’m super exhausted, lonely, and haven’t even been kissed for a year now.

The fact I can’t even have a male friend come over to my home to even watch a movie out of fear my ex is going to drop by any time to check on me and if he discovered a man here, he’d go crazy (yet I can only imagine what he’s doing) — it’s so stressful.

He is clearly playing games, but I literally have nowhere to go. I need sleep, hugs, love and wish I could figure this out. It’s so easy to say ‘leave’… but I have nowhere to go. I am really exhausted by it all. I know the only way forward is to assert boundaries — which will inevitably mean I will need to move somewhere I can afford on my own (far away) so he can’t use that over me, and slowly claw back my power. It is not an easy road.

Read Donna Andersen’s response to this story: “When there seems to be no escape from the sociopath …”

 

 



8 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Alone. Exhausted. Lonely. Stressed. Stuck."

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  1. donewiththat says:

    Billyjean,

    These sorts love to have you right where they can monitor you. Walk in on you, observe you. Like that. They love the role of enforcer, even after you are gone. The answer is to move away. Good luck to you.



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  2. Jan7 says:

    Billyjean, you have been through hell and back with this lying, manipulative two timing man 🙁 BIG HUGS to you!

    It’s time to set boundaries with this man…to do this I would highly recommend that you find a counselor who is extremely knowledgable with narcissistic abuse, your local abuse center may have an outside counselor recommendation for you…..you must always remember the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she leaves the abusive relationship….as much as you think you have left this man he has not left you. He still has power and control over you, this is what these types of people want power



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  3. Jan7 says:

    Billyjean, you have been through hell and back with this lying, manipulative two timing man 🙁 BIG HUGS to you!

    It’s time to set boundaries with this man…to do this I would highly recommend that you find a counselor who is extremely knowledgable with narcissistic abuse, your local abuse center may have an outside counselor recommendation for you…..you must always remember the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she leaves the abusive relationship….as much as you think you have left this man he has not left you. He still has power and control over you, this is what these types of people want power & control. They never let go unless you set strong boundaries (google setting boundaries). But be ready for all hell breaking out because he will not want to let go of you or his son willingly so this is why you need a counselor, your local domestic abuse center and possibly the police/court assisting you with this transition away from your abuser. Google “low contact narcissit” to learn more about how to set boundaries with this guy…you will most likely need to get a court order motion also setting boundaries with regards to seeing your son.

    Everyone who deals with a sociopath directly feels exhausted…there are no exceptions…these people create so much mind chaos for normal people it literally exhaust the persons adrenal glands. See the site adrenalfatigue. org take the quiz/read/see the symptoms list, drlam. com see symptoms list/read, and mialundin .com see her you tube videos. There is a physical aspect to your exhaustion which effects your thinking and why you feel “stuck”. Get tested for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral and hormonal imbalance all issues with adrenal fatigue (PTSD) all issues for someone coming out of a abusive relationship. Find a good hormonal specialist by googling “compounding pharmacy” with your city name then give them a call for a list of doctors and/or ask your friends for a recommendation to get these test completed. Once you get your body balanced again you will be shocked how quickly you move to your old mindset and unstuck yourself from your current thinking and situation.

    As for your loneliness. When I was in my marriage I felt so alone like most victims of sociopaths…during that time I read the statement “you are never alone your angels are always with you”…it changed my mind set….for you please dont feel embarrassed or shamed about what happened to you…it is not a reflection on you it is a reflection on this man who is a con artist sociopath. Good people will not judge you…open up to your most trusted friends and family about what this man did to you…ask them to look at this site especially the videos at the top to become fully educated so they can help you through this difficult time. Remember abusers isolate their victims intentionally to have full control over them..your ex still has full control over your mind, so you must change your mind set from the abusers brain washing/mind control which keeps the victims isolated. Another good site for your friends/family/you to look at is psychopathawareness.wordpress.

    In addition for your loneliness google meetup. com…it’s a free website that list all the groups, clubs and organizations in your city…there are women walking groups, hobby groups etc. Find a group of women that you find interesting so that you can connect with the outside world. For now I would stick with the women only groups because you are very vulnerable right now and still need to heal before you are around new men…it is very common for a woman leaving a abusive relationship to walk right into another abusive relationship so be very careful who you let into your life right now.

    Keep Reading everything on sociopathic abuse when you are feeling lonely, sad, angry etc keep reading, reading, reading…..it will help you to open your mindset up from your abusers brain washing/mind control.

    You’re going to get through this difficult phase of your life…I know right now you feel absolutely overwhelmed with a baby, young daughter, trying to get through life and sadly having a crazy man still in your life. Take one step at a time reach out for help from your loved ones, a counselor and your local abuse center…I promise you one step turns into two then pretty soon you are running and one day you will look only towards your bright future.

    Check out onemomsbattlle. com and their facebook page (over 12,000 woman on this site) it deals with custody issues/court issues/restraining orders…open a fake email account then a fake facebook pg so that you can chat on their page freely also see facebook page psychopathfree (over 100,000 people on this fb pg) & after narcissistic abuse (over 50,000 people on this fb pg). To get local abuse center numbers call the National domestic violence hotline website 800-799-SAFE

    Wishing you all the best!!



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  4. Jenniferjojo says:

    1. Stop contact as much as possible. I know it is hard with children but do it for your children. YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HEAL AND RECOVER IF HE STILL COMES around. Our feelings for him keep us susceptible to his lies and manipulations. You cant even see it happening. His claws are stuck in your mind, brain, pyche…they must be withdrawn.

    2. Stop trying to understand his behavior from a rational perspective. Its extremely helpful to read about sociopathy but you will never be ale to come to terms with how he could have done this. As feeling humans we cannot and will not understand about leading a double life. You will never understand how he could possibly use your wedding photo for a dating profile picture. Because NO NORMAL MAN WOULD DO THAT BUT IT IS SOOOO TYPICAL OF A PSYCHOPATH because they in fact do not have emotional connection for that day (it has more to do with playing a part of a good husband or acquiring money) there’s no longing, or remorse for affairs, or sadness for the past etc. Just like I will never understand how my ex husband could have had sex with an escort while he was painting our new home the week before we moved in …in what was to be my mom’s bedroom. Gross. This was also just weeks before my mastectomy for breast cancer. Even more heartless. I am still dumbfounded and trying to figure myself how to move past these details. I almost wish I didn’t know. But it has allowed me to see he is a sociopath and at least understand it from that perspective, which in fact has been HUGE.

    3. Build up your confidence with friends, your kids, take a class, go to therapy, do yoga whatever it is to you. Once you gain your identity back it will be easier (still a battle) to see things clearly like if you need to move further away and if you are ready for that “kiss” etc.

    4. You have been nice long enough, its time to be “mean”. Get a lawyer and file for divorce. even if he is threatening not to divorce you or pay support. He will be a shark in court. My ex said he wouldn’t divorce me either even though he was living with a 20 year old stripper (I was 41)! In court he lied about the value of our house and wouldn’t divorce me unless I paid him $10,000 and agree to pay him $27,000 more in 7 years to come off the deed. And you guessed it, he doesn’t pay child support for the 3 kids we had together anymore even though he is legally ordered to.

    One step at a time. I think boundaries will help you heal and see things clearly allowing you to make good decisions.

    His clutches on you: I have been separated almost 4 years. Divorced a year. And my ex used to come over whenever he wanted before I got him off the deed. He even took his 20 year old stripper girlfriend on a tour of our home while I was at work. He used to say it was still his house. When he found out I was dating, he flipped out, called me names like bad mother, whore etc even though he was living with a stripper and had had countless affairs.
    I thought I would have to move at least 50 miles away. But eventually after I got him off the deed he started to focus more on his current “target” (his girlfriend) and stopped coming around. Even though just last night he came over without calling first, borrowed $20 from our 11 year old, asked to eat the food we were cooking and commented and critiqued a bunch of things around my house). But now he will not take his clutches out of his current target and ironically she contacts me regularly for advice with it. She is also the one that told me about his countless affairs with strippers and escorts and even aquiantances of ours…but usually it was strippers and escorts as he bragged about his conquests to her. I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED IT while we were married. Although like everyone says something was off, he came home late, one time I saw him googling strip clubs etc. I didn’t even find out until we were divorced about the extent of it. Which he eventually confirmed ONLY what he had to admit and still has no remorse.

    LIES: If you found out yourself thats the only way as they will not admit it. They will keep lying and keep up the duplicitous nature. I caught my husband red handed leaving a voice mail for another woman and he denied anything was going on. At first he even tried to say someone stole his phone and left the message for the female (as if I didn’t know what his voice sounded like after 12 years). He got nasty and violent and that is why we finally split. In reality all along he had a double life of countless affairs. They will NEVER ADMIT anything. Don’t hold your breath. SO you found out what you need to know and just know he will never change. He is not capable. You have so much more to offer and just being able to experience emotion is HUGE and something sadly psychopaths will never have. I actually feel bad for them in a way.

    KIDS AND SUPPORT: I hate to say this but once he gets a new target and stops obsessing about control over you (which is a relief for you), BUT he will also stop seeing your son and probably stop child support. Once my ex finally knew he couldn’t get in my brain, he stopped seeing our kids as well. So don’t hold your breath or let the possible future of love for your son or child support affect your decisions now. I bet he says things like you are a family and have to stick together? Don’t believe it. Its a con and most sociopaths say that to keep their victims trapped into thinking they NEED him in their lives. YOU DONT HE WILL TAKE YOU DOWN LIKE A SINKING SHIP GET OUT NOW!!

    Sorry for the long rely but you are just like me and feel free to contact me via email Jenniferjojo@hotmail.com. I also had one child and was single mom when I met my ex and married when we got pregnant. We had 2 more after that as well. And like you I too wanted to move away last year but my kids wouldn’t have it. I too now rent out rooms in my house monthly to grad students. Which is not a bad idea but maybe you are just not ready for it right now. Your wounds are new and you need to recover before having strangers in your intimate space. Which is why moving away may be the best choice.

    Just count your blessings each day, connect with your community, be in nature, and yes its OK to kiss someone. Go on some dates if you are ready. Chance are you may not be ready for anything serious until your identity has completely returned but it is fun to kiss! I dated casually for 2 years and have taken a year off for me my friends and my kids. I finally am ready again and this time for something serious not just a kiss. But we all have our own pace. The important thing is you unlatch your psyche from your crazy ex and find you again!

    YOU GOT THIS GIRL!!!!



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  5. Billyjean says:

    Hello everyone,

    Thank you Donna for sharing my story. It was cathartic to write.

    And thanks to everyone who has taken the time to write a response and share your own stories. It does help to know I’m not alone.

    I also thought I’d share a positive update, as I had written this letter to Donna a couple of weeks ago, I’m happy to report I’ve made some very positive steps forward.

    Firstly, to explain some differences. I am in Australia, and they have a very different system for divorce. They have a ‘no fault’ system here – in that you can prove your husband has cheated, lied, done all kinds of bad things, and they simply don’t take that into account. They also require you to be separated for a full YEAR before you can even apply for a divorce. AND, if you’ve been married under two years (which we were), they also require you to first go to mediation. They also significantly raised the prices of a divorce ($900 just to APPLY) – I can understand that in a way it’s a positive thing, to discourage people making rash decisions. But, I do think at times it’s not appropriate and should not be that way. So, that is another reason why I can’t divorce just yet.

    However, things have been interesting since I wrote that letter. Firstly, I was very bold and posted bravely onto my Facebook page that we were no longer together and split in early pregnancy, confessing that I had been holding up a facade and was no longer going to do that – and that I was struggling. It took a great deal of courage to do that, because my family and friend all around the world thought everything was fine, and I knew it would make them worry.

    I was really amazed at the outpouring of support that brought. People were flabbergasted, and rallied around me. It did help a lot.

    Then I decided enough was enough, and no matter how hard, I was going to get out of here, and rebuild my life. Start finding myself again. I went looking for houses to rent, and magically there was a lovely home with even more space than I have now, for less – the owner had just dropped the price – I applied and got it the next day. They even held it for an entire month for me (highly unusual as owners will usually only hold it for max 1 – 2 weeks) with just a deposit, not requiring rent in that time, since I couldn’t afford rent in two places.

    I went to some artists markets, felt inspired to get creating again, and met an artist who I clicked with and made a new friend, who is now helping me move and paint the new house. I also applied for and got into my masters degree at my chosen university which I’ll be starting in March, 2015. I also attended a photography workshop and loved it, and met other wonderful creative people.

    I have also linked in with several agencies that help women – one for DV (as this is classed as emotional and financial abuse, as I haven’t even mentioned the money!) and they have been wonderful – not only listening, but also offering support – they linked me in with a mover that has worked with DV moves many times and knows how to do it quickly, safely and discreetly and if the ex catches wind of it, to ensure he doesn’t follow the truck etc. I also received financial support from a housing agency with the forward rent and bond, and a women’s agency to help pay for the removalists costs. Without all this help, I could not have afforded it or moved.

    It feels like as soon as I made the conscious choice to let go, to move on and take serious steps in reaching out, asking for help and being sure the only way was to move and cut contact as much as possible, the universe listened, and led the way, almost to say ‘what took you so long?’

    I consulted a lawyer about not disclosing my address to my ex, as he is still continually coming over daily, although I have been going into another room and closing the door and avoiding him as much as possible and refusing to engage with him – and as a result his visits are much shorter. He keeps asking when I’m moving and to where, but I have been strong not telling him. The lawyers agreed that I have grounds not to disclose my address to him, and as long as I allow him access to our son in the way of visits in public and allowing email contact to set that up, my ex would basically have to take me to court to try to change it, and odds are he won’t do that, and even if he did, it is unlikely he would win, since there is already extensive info on file with various agencies about the DV.

    I know it will remain a bit of an uphill battle. Every time I see him, I still feel something deep inside and I want to cry that it can’t be a happy family and a ‘real marriage.’ I realised that my heartbreak was more about the loss of the idea of love, the idea of it being real, than actually about him as a person, if that makes sense.

    I have also been trying to shift my thinking – if I find myself thinking about him/dwelling on these things, I try to think about something else, even if it means wearing a rubber band on my wrist to remind me when I start thinking about him – and it does help. I just start thinking things like “oh, I should get some business cards printed” or “I would like to do another charcoal drawing”… or talk to my girlfriends about something positive.

    I wanted to post this, in case there is another woman out there in a similar situation who thinks it’s not possible – it is… you just need to believe in yourself and realise you’re much stronger than you ever imagined. And your kids will thank you for it. 🙂



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    • bluejay says:

      Billyjean,

      Good for you! I know that it is hard but, you are making great strides (in the right direction). The universe IS ON YOUR SIDE. When you resolve to do what is right for yourself and your children, things can fall into place. I wish you nothing but good things happening. Peace.

      -bluejay



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  6. Billyjean – terrific! Good for you. I believe you are right – when you decide to make a change, things may just fall into place.



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  7. LadyGrey says:

    Yaaaaaaaaaaay Billy jean!!

    I am so happy for your progress toward wholeness and health! Your story is almost identical to mine, just add a few kids. I have four from 2 to 9.
    When I unmasked his double life there were more than 125 pictures of other women in his harem, he sexually assaulted my sisters and I contracted a (thankfully treatable) infection in pregnancy with my fourth.

    Like you I was (still am) financially trapped. I have done (am doing) EVERYTHING including therapy, legal, DV, all of it. I’m healing inside, but still in a loooooooong slooooooow covered up war for the safety of my children and freedom for the five of us.

    Somehow he always finds a way to use the system against me. Reading your story gives me hope. I pray (God) that I’m next. Thank you for sharing. All of you here on Love fraud are the ONLY support structure I have left.

    PS- I decided to make a change a little under three years ago and that’s when all hell broke loose. It’s been like a cage match with a hologram since then: he can look real to others, but I’m the only one who sees he’s fake!



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