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It is so painful to know that the whole relationship was not real

Spath TalesEditor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Terry Ann.” Other names in this post have also been changed.

He is as romantic and alluring as his designer label name sounds. I met “PQ” on Millionaire Match.com. His profile states he was born in Milan, Italy,

I wasn’t seeking a millionaire. I wanted a man with a respectable job, status, and stability.

We had a whirlwind romance in a two-week period of time before he suddenly had to move from Bradenton, Florida to Couer D’Alene, Idaho.

I clearly remember his first phone call to me. His accent was sexy, romantic, and sweet.

Within moments, he boldly asked me personal questions, but he was so nice, I complied and answered. I normally don’t like to tell anyone right off the bat that I have been divorced three times and had two abusive husbands, but he wanted to know my marriage history immediately and why my marriages ended.

The first week we dated was interrupted by my out-of-town cousin and her husband.

He called me on day three after meeting and wanted to meet just somewhere for a few minutes. I invited him over to sit by my pool with my family from Illinois. They were captivated by him, as I was.

The next day, he texted me while I was spending the day with them in Sarasota and he wanted to take all of us out for dinner…. his treat! He did…. and he was extremely generous. We had a wonderful time.

I was absolutely mesmerized.

During week two, he wanted to spend time with me, but I had a day off work where I had to take my elderly mother to two doctor’s appointments, and he came along and also took us out for lunch! I was so impressed.

Then, he suddenly relocated because he was an entrepreneur and the “investors” were ready and it was time for him to relocate.

I visited him two months later at my expense because I was excited to book a trip to see him. We had a romantic and wonderful time. Every moment I spent with him was magical and romantic.

He called me loving, sweet, silly, and sexy names: Sicilian Bombshell, Sicilian Goddess, Baby Bunny, etc.

He told me he would take care of me, that we would be a power couple. He had made millions before and he will make that money again.

Then, the drama ensued.

The investors were not bringing the money to the table.

He was having some health problems.

He had to support his ex-wife who was mentally disabled with obsessive compulsive disorder.

He was defaulting on his health insurance.

He was at risk for defaulting on his mortgage on the house his ex-wife lived in.

After four months of knowing him, daily texts, daily phone calls, lots of attention, lots of sexual interchange on text, he asked me for a loan of $1,000, but only in cash.

At first I sent a check and he said he had to close his accounts. So, he had me send money via Fed Ex.

He asked me again in July. Then, I visited him in August (and brought $800 cash with me) and we had the most romantic week of my life.

One week after returning home, I received an email (which I still have) that described a desperate situation he was in and that he needed to reinstate his health insurance, as he had a small heart attack a week before my visit. He needed a cardiac cath procedure because he probably had a blockage.

I did not want him to die. He asked for $12,000 cash, in four separate Fed-Ex envelopes, mailed on separate days.

I decided to do it because I could not bear the thought of the love of my life dying of a fixable heart problem. He promised to repay me about a month later when the investors came forward with the money, but that all fell apart.

The company dissolved and he was out of a job.

He subsequently moved to California and is staying in a guest house of a former neighbor who has done very well in life. We were apart seven months, and he was finally able to come see me. I had to buy his $1,000 + airline ticket.

By the end of the week, he told me he had hit bottom, had borrowed money from people who were not nice.

Now, he was in trouble and had no capital money to work with.

He told me his image and credit were everything.

His home was for sale, but if he defaulted, he would lose his equity. He did not know how he would make house and car payments. On top of that, his ex-wife that he supports has very bad vision due to cataracts and is only at 50% vision and will be blind by the end of the year if she does not have surgery. Her co-pays for the lens implants are over $8,000.

He told me he NEEDED $65,000.

I laughed and said I don’t have it.

He said, “Yes, you do. You have retirement funds, you have savings.” (By the way, I would have to take nearly $100,000 out to net the $65,000 to cover the taxes and penalties.)

I said, “No, I am absolutely stone cold on this. There is no amount of persuasion that would ever make me do such a thing! I am not going to work the rest of my life!”

He said he would pay me back with interest. I said no. He asked if I would help him on any level, such as a credit card cash advance. I blatantly refused.

The relationship lasted almost 14 months. It is so painful to know that the whole relationship was not real. I really loved him. He was so loving and sweet. He fulfilled my emotional needs beyond any stretch of the imagination.

 



9 Comments on "It is so painful to know that the whole relationship was not real"

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  1. LisaH says:

    While this definitely can be a horrendously painful realization, I have an alternate way of framing this. I have been geographically free of my ex for almost 5 years and NC for over 960 days. Just last week, during a discussion with an old and very, very trustworthy friend, I discovered that many things he told me about his “illustrious” Navy career and his “opportunity to re-enlist” were absolute fabrications. The kicker is that, even as recently as two years ago, he was blaming me outwardly for “destroying” his “promising and stellar” Naval career…which he voluntarily left IN 1987! (Yeah, you do the math!)

    For a little while, I stewed and entertained the very rational feelings of my entire life being based on lies and wondering if he ever told the truth about anything at all (he hasn’t). Then I realized…for over 30 years he has worked hard to convince me that I am the problem, I am the reason for his every screw up and every unhappiness in life. You know what I finally understood? That since his entire life is based on lies, then everything he said to me, including and especially the gaslighting/crazymaking, WAS A LIE. I was relieved of ever carrying those questions and that burden ever again. The lies are about him and because I live my life in truth and integrity, he never will have the wonderful things that I do.



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  2. hinahina says:

    These kind of people are what you call Rip Offs. They schmooze and weasel their way into your life — apparently, dating sites are a huge collecting ground for them — and after they’ve fooled you sufficiently, they hit you up for money.
    Classic sociopathic style, they prey on the kindhearted and nice people, because people like them don’t trust anyone, so they endear themselves quickly to the trusting and trustworthy.
    It was an expensive lesson but it could have been much worse, so understand about these types: they prey on nice people. They prey on the kindhearted. And they are so charming but they seem to have zero friends!!
    Red flag is the zero friends!
    They’ve burned through every person they’ve ever known and no one from their past wants anything to do with them anymore.
    Protect yourself from those who are too friendly early on.
    To live one’s life always in defense mode is tough, but one must protect oneself.
    To be free, happy, and enjoy life, be sparing with your time with relative strangers.
    After being nearly destroyed by the kook who targeted me, I became very reclusive. I’m still reclusive but an angel made his way into my life through every wall I put up and I’m glad now that I shut random goofballs out.
    Many people are so hurtful. Just know that and protect yourself.
    We all want love, it’s true, but we can’t allow these kooks to use our own desire for connection as a tool for our own demise.
    Three prong method for kook management and personal survival:
    1) Identify
    2) limit their influence in your life
    3) GTFO as much as possible.
    This bunker mentality is not a bad lesson. It is the new normal of survival techniques in the jungles of modern life.
    Take care. Aloha.



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  3. Redwald says:

    Good for you, “Terry Ann,” for drawing the line at raiding your precious retirement savings to indulge this monster.

    Oh, and that nice lunch and dinner he treated you and your family members to: those are called “groundbait”!



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  4. jm_short says:

    Although it may be one of the most unromantic requests a person could make. I’m convinced that it’s best to see the person’s ID whenever you first meet an online match.

    Scam artists often lie about several identity characteristics, and they don’t like people knowing where they live. Although it can’t catch the offender in the most common lie of all, “I’m single” when they’re really married, their age, their name and their address will be indicated on their driver’s license. At least that cuts out three possible lies they could be telling you.

    If you’re going to ask for ID, you should be prepared to share your own as well.

    If they get offended by your request, chalk it up to their being out to defraud you and walk away! A gentleman would want you to feel safe.

    BTW- if you’ve been fleeced by a relationship fraudster, you can report them anonymously on http://www.RapeByFraud.com under CAD Identities.

    Joyce



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  5. fsufan58 says:

    I so agree with Joyce to ask to see their ID. Personally, I would take it even further and run a background check. Most likely you will find things like I did such as credit card theft, check fraud, altering an ID and so on. Had I known to do this prior to marriage I would have had the information I needed to further investigate instead, I blindly married my Spath and am out several hundred thousand dollars. Fortunately for me I had the ability to recover financially.

    On another note, I joined a group on FB called Sociopathic Society. I deleted the group after two weeks but boy did I get an education on how these nut jobs think. These people KNOW they are sick and are very proud of it. It was a bit scary and I made no comments….just read what they said. I wouldn’t recommend it unless you are strong enough to handle it but for me I have a yearning to learn more about how they think!



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  6. jm_short says:

    A growing way to detect a CAD is to check on the CAD Identities page at http://www.RapeByFraud.com. It’s free. And everyone who was ripped off in a romantic hoax should list the offender who targeted them so that others will be protected.

    The list is updated twice per week, on Mondays and Fridays.



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  7. kalina says:

    What about an “unreal” relationship with a daughter! She was engaged to Mr. Nice for 8 years. Wedding plans made, date set. Two weeks before her bridal shower, she calls off the wedding. She says, “my sexual needs were not being met”. Then just shortly after, my daughter tells me she met the “man of her dreams”. I warned her to be careful as she may be vulnerable. She did not welcome my concern. She was offended. Proceeded to tell me that she and Mr. Nice were never sexually monogamous. Also, admitted to internet sex with strangers. Frequently during the week and for the past 6 years she had been having “protected” sex with anonymous guys. Looking for her “sexual identity” seemed an acceptable explanation. I told her she was immoral. I have taken my daughter out of my life with no contact. She asked if we could just have a “superficial” relationship. I told her “i do not engage in superficial relationships” After reading the article on “forgiveness”, I feel vindicated. There is only ” pain” and no ” gain” from a relationship with a selfish, sexually promiscuous, manipulative, exploitative bitch, even if she happens to be one’s daughter. Kalina



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    • Heartbroken Mom of 1 says:

      Kalina,

      I posted in the past on Lovefraud and haven’t been on for awhile.I just want you to know that the advice of No Contact is the only way to retain your sanity and protect your heart. My son is a sociopath (though EVERYONE, family and friends, think he is so wonderful!)and there is a 15 year history (he is 34)with him and 5 years with no contact. The last 2 weeks have been hell since he called and acted like all is well and nothing is wrong. Now he wants to meet. In the last 5 years he has abandoned his sick wife and divorced (we never heard from him until he wanted us to meet the next “victim), shacked up with many others and had two illegitimate children and finally married the woman (who also has two other illegitimate children-total of 4 now). And this is only the tip of the iceberg! There is too much to write! What I am trying to say is if you try and let them back into your life-BEWARE!. There is always a motive. I ask myself why now? What does he want? When he called he acted like we spoke just yesterday. No repentance, no remorse and now he wants us back in his life. And now we hear, “Love you” when we never heard it before. Why?

      PLEASE remember that a sociopath is not capable of love, only what he can get. They only want to manipulate and control. BE CAREFUL!



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  8. kalina says:

    I am so grateful for your support and feel such sadness for your pain. No contact is a very serious decision and I don’t take it lightly. Thank you, Kalina



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