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The tragic outcome of 30 years with a sociopath

Spath TalesEditor’s Note: This SPATH tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Corrine.”

I stayed married to a narcisstic personality disordered sociopath for 25 years.

He always had mistresses he would throw up in my face and sincerely enjoyed hurting me, through words, looks, violence and strangulation.

He used to hurt the children because he knew it would hurt me.

I was always dealing with some crisis, real or imagined on his part. I realize now that it was what he used to distance himself so he would not have to be intimate. He never displayed affection, or caring for any of his children (three sons and one daughter).

He died two weeks ago and there is nothing in his will for them.

When I finally left because I did not want my children to see me with any more black eyes, he and his real estate lawyer swindled the children and me out of our family home.

I put this man through university in the 60’s (pharmacy) and as far as I was to know HE became wealthy! He owned his pharmacy, our red brick farm house on 40 acres — a home which I pine for to this day, after 30 years of separation.

I was given three years support for my 30 years of investment in him and the children. I was not sane when I finally managed to escape. The fear and nightmares are still with me.

PTSD it is called. I still take serious anti-depressants daily, otherwise I am suicidal.

A person only gets one life and he ripped my off for mine. When he moved on to his new victim, he would have nothing to do with me or his children for 30 years.

He betrayed our oldest son so many times, he disappeared. It’s been over 15 years now. His sister is trying to find him somewhere in Toronto.

When my youngest learned of his father’s death he said to me “good, the Devil is gone”.

I am only learning now about some of the abuse directed at the children, their rooms and their possessions. We all at one time or another have ended up on assistance, our esteem issues are horrendous.

The boys were told that they were assh***s, I was a stupid c*nt. There was never a moment spent with him that he was not critical or extremely judgmental.

His body language was enough to frighten the life out of a person, as well as his rages. We were his possessions and he would do with us as he pleased.

I foolishly asked him to come home once in a moment of weakness, and he said that he could not as he had told too many lies about me and the children  — I was a lesbian, so he had to f*** around. I was alcoholic, the children were all into drugs, and we were all worthless.

We always wondered why other people treated us with disdain, and then it finally made sense. He did not portray this persona with his employees or friends; everyone thought he was wonderful.

He often took vacations with other men. When I was with him in Cuba I suspected he murdered a woman there. I can’t help but think there were others.

Thank you for listening.

 



20 Comments on "The tragic outcome of 30 years with a sociopath"

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  1. bluejay says:

    Corrine,

    Like a lot of us, you have been through hell on earth, you and your children. All I can say is that each one of you is finally free of him. Spend the rest of your life being GENTLE and GOOD to yourself. I realize that all of your traumatic experiences have impacted you tremendously. I am sorry that you and your children had this man in your lives.



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    • zena says:

      bluejay, thank you for your comment. The problem about being with these
      men is that when they are conning with flowers, apologies, etc
      it keeps us hooked. I love you, I love you not. Over the
      years, insanity is the outcome. There is a comment in one of
      the many psych books I studied said. insanity is created when
      someone tells another enough times that they are no good.
      Today, I have me sanity and am working to help my children get
      well as well. Now that the is gone I am excited about the
      future. Thanks again



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    • truth7 says:

      Hello All,
      I am new to posting and new to this wonderful healing community dealing with sociopaths and sociopathic behaviors. After reading the article about the tragic outcome of 30 years with a sociopath, the point about how a sociopathic father can hurt their children is a devastating reality for many children, both young and adult. Thank you for recognizing and acknowledging this. Not only is it traumatic for children to watch and witness a sociopathic father (in this case) manipulate, con, and try to destroy their mother; but also as mentioned in the article, sadly the children are pawns and objects to the sociopath used for manipulation, brain-washed against the other parent, and never experience true healthy love with their father. Consequently, it leaves a deep wound for the children of sociopaths and their journey is not easy. There is no delete button for the damage and negative experiences in their childhood; yet I hope with healing, love and support they find their value…



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  2. slimone says:

    Corrine,

    Sigh…reading this is heartbreaking, and I feel a tremendous amount of anger toward the dead spath. I think the thing that most triggers my angry feelings is that to the outside world he was a professional, and believable, thought to be a decent human being. That makes me mad. I feel mad that perfectly outright lies are accepted. I experienced the same, and it is baffling that deception works so well in the world.

    Hey, when I was involved with a spath I believed the lies too! Now I see the truth, and it seems so obvious, but others are still completely taken with my old spath. They believe he is their spiritual helper, that he is ‘next to god’, and that he is helping the world heal. They send him around the world to do his good deeds. Yikes!

    I am so sorry he slandered you and your children, that he robbed you of so many years, abused all of you into submission, and stole your inheritance and home.

    I am so sorry.

    Thank goodness for this website, and for each of our experiences being validated and believed. The single experience of being believed and validated, when I first came here, was like finally being able to take a full breath….and exhale.

    I wish you continued healing and insight, and eventual peace and a kind of softness in your life.



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    • zena says:

      Thank you for your compassion. I am excited about the future and my
      desire to become creative again ( making clothes, I have knitting machines) and have found accommodations where I live alone once again.
      I am hoping to be helpful to others on this site and once again feel
      being useful to others will also help me to move on. Thank you again



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      • slimone says:

        You are welcome Zena! I am a bit of a broken record about recommending articles here on Lovefraud, but I really loved all the articles Kathleen Hawk wrote on the healing process. I just loved her insights, and validating understanding of how all of us feel at different points in our healing.

        Slim



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    • Escapefor1 says:

      Yes, you are right, Slimone, about finally being able to breathe again.



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  3. donewiththat says:

    Corrine.

    I only lost 16 years, and thankfully there were no children as he could not bear the idea of anyone else having to come first. When I read the man’s obituary, I had a huge feeling of having a weight released from me. This was over a decade after our divorce, and his next divorce. I was finally free. No more worries about assaults, breaking and entering and stalking and such. I’d moved far enough away that no one in law enforcement would believe those things accidental. I lived under the radar all those years and left behind everyone who might have contact with him. Just to stay safe.

    Please, please understand that bad people do exist and their behavior is not your fault in any way. When they find themselves in positions of power, they are dangerous. I hope you can feel your freedom now. Your life will be entirely your own now. And probably more amazing than you ever thought possible. As I told myself, I will tell you: It’s your turn now.



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    • zena says:

      donewiththat.. the most amazing thing about all of this is that the more
      caring and loving I attempted to be caused increasing
      contempt. Thank you for your comments, with this
      site I know I am on a new path.



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      • donewiththat says:

        You cannot teach these people by example. They do not love. They do not care. They choose loving and caring people to exploit and to provide cover for them, and they know how to mimic those behaviors to draw good people in. The difference between what they say and what they do is very confusing to people who mean what they say and do what they say. The first hard part is comprehending what they are. The second hard part is understanding how they are able to do those things over a long period of time, duping most everyone and intimidating the rest. The easy part is finally realizing that they are as good at being bad as we are at being good, and our good is better spent on people who are also good.



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        • SER says:

          donewiththat…Again, perfectly said!!!



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        • Barb says:

          My parents actually said it to me…”We don’t care”. It was said frequently. They even thought it was funny. They did not care.

          I am waking up. I will never forget the time I was driving my mother’s Audi. It was winter and I was unable to stop on the ice. Her Audi ended up shaving off a STOP sign (thank God there was no traffic to stop for…) and my mother’s response was violent anger (about her car). She only minded that her Audi had been in an accident.
          A nurse at the medical center overheard my mother’s lament about her car. She had a look of complete horror on her face. When I went to sign out she gently said to me, “Sorry sweetheart, about your shock. By the way, we have counseling at the Center for families…do you think you could get your mother to come in for that?” She said it conspiratorially (as in, ‘we need to walk on eggshells’).
          I had one major temper explosion with my mother and will never forget it. Her fury was inconceivable.
          I also learned in counseling that she was willing to be damned to Hell before I lived my life the way she had always wanted to live hers (but could not due to her circumstances).
          I hope I do not sound sexist here (female misogynist)…but my experiences with women have taught me that they are, indeed, deadlier than the male.



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          • bluejay says:

            Barb,

            My mother was a narcissist (I strongly suspect she has BPD) and my father was emotionally absent. She ran the show, having five kids. Basically, with narcissists as parents, it isn’t easy for the children. My siblings and I (in my opinion) raised ourselves. I’ve learned to be the opposite of my parents, still trying to perfect it. We are impacted by our parents, definitely. I have respect for you because you’re very aware (or cognizant) of how your parents were ill equipped to raise children – it probably would have been wise (on their end) to not have had children in the first place. I’m sorry for how your parents failed you.

  4. wiserfromit says:

    I lost seven years with a spath ex wife. I knew something was wrong but could not put my finger on it. What was wrong was the lack of natural affection, no closeness, no trust from the spath ex wife. Seemingly she hated me and the childern (her family) yet loved strangers. She would be very polite and friendly to the new people who came into our lives and disdain her own family. I wanted that friendly and polite woman in my family life but like Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hide she could turn on the charm and turn it off again. I learned that the nice person Dr. Jeckel is just an act and that the mean Mr. Hide is always there. What she was doing was gaining their trust to exploit them later. I have learned that cynicism is a virtue in dealing with spaths. Never believe what the spath says; always verify. In the years since our divorce I have talked to some of the extended relatives and got the full story and I realized what a master of omissions a spath is. You can lie by comission, and you can lie by omission. If you leave out half the story you are lying. Remember what Dr. Robert Hare says “all sociopaths are predators.” They are never to be trusted. You can regain some of your life and dignity by never allowing a second chance to the spath.



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    • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

      Ha! Wiserfromit!
      You just described the words of James Fallon, the neuroscience psychopath who thinks he’s a nice guy. Your ex could be his sister! Nicer to complete strangers than the people in his life.

      My ex would tell a whole story and just one tiny little piece would be missing. BUT… that tiny little piece changed the ENTIRE story. Once you get that they are a sociopath, there is NOTHING to be done but get away and be blessed if they leave you alone. Because they are ALL a lie, “from hello to Goodbye” (quoting Donna Anderson, LF author)



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    • zena says:

      wisefromit…everything you write rings so true. I have learned that
      if one of these people are speaking, it is a lie. Lie
      where they have been, who they have been with, etc.
      Today my gut seems to tell me if someone is deceptive,
      cunning, and putting up a smoke screen. The crisis that
      they are always trying to involve us in.. Like you, I
      am much wiser. I am regaining my life. There will never
      be anyone else in my life that does not treat me with love
      and dignity… Thank you for your words



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  5. sure says:

    I’m sorry that you and your kids have had it so hard.

    Maybe you all have more choices than you realise. You have the right
    To contest his will I’m sure. It’s not like you’ll have to come up against him
    Ever again. You raised his children and you all should have rights. Perhaps he
    Produced fraudulent documents along the way.

    Remember you won’t be dealing with him this time … Coz he’s dead. Don’t
    Let him haunt you that’s what he wanted. Again I say you don’t have to deal with
    Him ever again. It will be much easier to reach a suitable settlement now he’s
    Gone.
    See a solicitor. Check up on pension rights private and state. Some countries
    Give ex wives a widows pension too. In my country children do have rights to
    a portion of the estate.
    Please don’t get sad get mad. Sort this, take back your power. Your years do
    Have value. Fight for your worth just like you would tell a good friend in the same
    Position to do and believe in your rights just like you would if it were someone
    Else.
    And hen your finished with some money in your pocket for your new beginnings
    I hope (after the grief, because there will be a bit of grief), I sincerely hope
    You get to go to a grave and laugh at him, make some appropriate finger
    Gestures (check nobody is watching for this bit), and give him a big ‘naa naa
    Nee naa naa, you’re dead and my new and wonderful life is just beginning’.

    I was married to one too. Good luck beautiful resilient lady. You made it …
    He didn’t 🙂 xxx



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