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By September 11, 2014 7 Comments Read More →

He has no remorse for the complete fraud he was to me and our children

Spath TalesEditor’s Note: This SPATH story was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who goes by the name of  “Beverly2014.”

I have told this story so many times and feel like no matter how much I discuss it I could never tell it all because there are so many details and incidents that occurred that it would be exhausting and somewhat impossible.

I met my Sociopath about two years after my divorce from my first marriage which was abusive in its own way.

My Socio preyed on my vulnerability and used it against me.

When we met online he was instantly every dream I had ever dreamed of — the “perfect” man. Looking back on everything it is so frustrating the level of deceit and energy he put into fooling me. He lied to me about absolutely everything that came out of his mouth from the day we met, all through our five-year marriage and even now.

He was a divorced (twice) single dad of a daughter the same age as mine that lived in Oklahoma and he had visitation every other weekend. He portrayed himself as a loving father, educated business man, Christian and an honorable ex-marine.

He was none of those.

He had NO friends, which I did think was weird, but he used the excuse that all his friends were into partying and he was over that and wanted to focus on his career and his daughter.

The reality is he is so socially awkward that he cannot form relationships with others. He was able to form one with me by lying about every aspect of himself until my knight in shining armor proposed and married me only four short months after meeting him.

Of course it was crazy and everyone around me was shocked and concerned but I felt I had found true love and it was REAL!

He said four years later in counseling that those were the hardest four months because he had to pretend the whole time and it was very difficult to maintain.

Immediately following our wedding day, we mutually decided to have a child together.

The sex and intimacy of any kind ended from that day on. It would be several weeks of no touching before I would ask him about what was wrong. He would get defensive and always turn it around on me saying now that I brought it up I was making it an issue and it would be even longer before he would feel comfortable being intimate.

The pattern grew — two months, four months — he always had an excuse. It was maybe a side effect of a medication, the economy, everyday stress, uncomfortable with me being pregnant. It always ended in me crying and him getting upset.

After my son was born the pattern and excuses got worse and now I started to think it was me. The first year that I was unattractive during my pregnancy and the next year feeling I was overweight. Then I lost all the weight and somehow held on to the hope that that would help but it did not. I even asked him if he was homosexual but afraid since his family was so firm in their Christian beliefs but that only made him furious.

Two and a half years into our “marriage” he got an amazing job offer out of state and we moved cross country with the hopes that the extra income would ease our problems.

He promised he would make an effort to get help and work on his issues, whatever they might be.

All the while he professed his undying love for me and I believed it, plain and simple because what kind of sick person would lie about that and choose to be miserable for no reason!?

Six months after moving he accidentally left up a search history from his Gmail account attached to his phone and the flood gates opened from there.

A whole entire sick world of his severe porn addiction (later admitted by himself in counseling that we attended weekly together and sometimes separately) came into the open and it grew from there.

Lie after lie of him still loving me and wanting to get help for his addiction and I stood by and tried to help this broken man as he stole another year of my life from me. In our sessions he would admit horrible things that I believe to be true but were only told to benefit his case he was actually trying to work on things.

He told us for a whole year about his incredibly difficult time dealing with staying away from porn, which I later found out was all a lie based on an external hard drive I found containing time stamps of porn from throughout the whole year.

We still were never intimate and as much as I wanted and needed affection I resented him so much it almost disgusted me.

I discovered more websites (sex/dating sites) than one could ever imagine using email/password combos I knew of, where in most he used aliases to have numerous online affairs going back as far as eight weeks into our marriage where he communicated a whole month with a married woman and in his story to her he was describing being married to his second wife, not me.

He had never stopped his sick obsession of living in an online fantasy world of sharing nude photos etc. from the day he married until current.

I believe he never intended to meet these girls, just use them and lie to them about meeting but then moving onto the next. He was incapable of having sex with anyone unless he forced himself and he even “self-diagnosed” himself as being Sexually Anorexic — which was a term I had never heard of before. It was just another excuse he thought would make sense for why he couldn’t have sex.

A porn addict that can’t have sex!

He admitted that he would force his daughter to sleep during their three-hour drive every other weekend so he could view porn on his phone while driving and staying up to view porn as long as eight  hours straight when he was out of town traveling on business which he did weekly.

I would find receipts from sex stores of items I never saw. It only got worse the more he opened up. Not just porn but videogames, TV, his phone … anything to escape from reality where I lived and took care of my daughter and our son alone.

The worst is I spent all of our marriage wondering what was wrong with me and although after counseling I know he is sick and it had nothing to do with me but I still suffer from the damage he has caused and fear sometimes

I may never recover.

He has no remorse for the complete fraud he was to me and our children.

I filed for divorce after I moved home.

He followed the same week since he lost his job which I know was due to him getting caught viewing porn in his office and him being able to keep a job for two years at most before they figure out something is not right.

Although he is good at being a salesman and is smart, he is sick and it always surfaces. He bought a fake online degree by the way, which he hangs in his offices.

In the year since we moved back he has dated numerous women and one even called me because she felt uneasy about him and after a three hour phone conversation I was able to save her from the nightmare I endured.

He wanted to move in to her house after only four months of dating because his lease was up in his apt. Same exact thing that happened to me.

Now he has moved in and proposed to another innocent victim after dating only four months!

I wish I could save every woman from the pain I suffered but I can’t save them all. He will never stop his sick pattern and is now planning to destroy wife number four. I wish I could let everyone know who he is and the damage he has caused in so many live.  I don’t want to get back at him, rather to save another victim from his wrath.

What he has done to me should be punishable in a court of law.

Our counselor said in our last session before I moved, that in all her years of her profession she had never been fooled on the level that he did to her and I.

Based on that, she said, he definitely had Sociopathic tendencies but couldn’t officially diagnose him since he stopped going to her after I said I was divorcing him for good.

She even said in our first joint session after me finding out his sick world and him going to see her a few times already, that she feared too much damage had been done by him to repair our marriage.

She was right.

 



7 Comments on "He has no remorse for the complete fraud he was to me and our children"

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  1. OpalRose says:

    Beverly2014 – your story is my story almost exactly. Whirlwind “romance,” marriage, immediate neglect, discovery of severe porn addiction and illegal stimulants, no interest in real intimacy, no ability to take responsibility for his life or build anything meaningful. I am so sorry for what we have endured.

    I tried counseling too – twice – like your situation he talked about that I was “high maintenance” and he was tired of keeping up his façade. He was self-righteous about it rather than having one shred of insight and remorse. These people are classic sociopaths I think.

    I feel the same way you do – I do not want to get back at him – I just want for me and others around him to see clearly and to be safe. I am very glad that you are seeing clearly now even though it brings pain. I send support and good thoughts to you as you find your way forward.



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    • grace says:

      wow!!!…line by line I was reading you describe the man I was with…same five years!….I was his third marriage…he had three children…I had three….he said he wished we could have had a child together….but he had vasectomy….thank GOD….he was over 60!!!!…..It has been over a year since I saw him…since October 2014 since he texted that he could not move on…still loved me….but reading your post makes sense…the porn…the other women….why do they do that????Why do they say they love you….why can’t they just say…I am addicted to porn…..tonight I was wanting to talk to him…not one day goes by that I don’t miss the fun part of him…It is so hard to have to scold yourself daily to have no contact …to remind yourself of the fraud….the con….What is up with that????….I come here to Love Fraud so I won’t break the No Contact….thank you….



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      • gracesplace says:

        I have been married to someone for 15 years and just now divorcing. I found out that the man I married was having an affair for two years before our wedding, that he was still married and the affair went on for three years after our wedding. I have two children with him and gave him everything I had. I am just sick and I hope he does not do this to another woman. EVER! He is on Match.com now.



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  2. Bally says:

    Are you sure these men are not closet gays?



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    • Delores says:

      I have suspected closet gay, he walks with that gay swagger but it is much more with the one I married. He is misogynistic with a perverted desire to own and humiliate women. I got out soon enough to save myself but he lured my daughter into his trap after his three failed marriages. Now she has cut me off after I raised her because of his lies and love bombing. Now I can see that he had set it up that way from the day she was born he used abandonment, trauma bonding and lies to her the whole time I was trying to protect her from him. I thought she would see it for herself and she did but now she is his target and believes his lies. The whole time I was letting her believe that he was a loving father, he was undermining me.



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    • justjen123 says:

      I asked him if he was a homosexual and was fighting it because his “christian” family was so against gays and he got enraged! I am not sure if his severe porn addiction is to mask those feelings but like everything with him I will never know.



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  3. jm_short says:

    Beverly-

    In some states, he may have committed a crime. Let me know what state you live in and I’ll let you know the status of penal code related to rape by fraud where you live. You could also check the state-by-state information on http://www.CADlert.blogspot.com.

    I’ve created a post on the blog so that victims can register the factual data of their offender. Placing his name and information on the blog’s list could help his next potential victim identify that he is not a person to connect with. Once the blog has reached a critical mass of information, I’ll be creating an “ap” so that folks can check the authenticity of someone they meet, BEFORE they lose their heart to them.

    LoveFraud participants can help grow this service by taking the few seconds needed to provide the information on the blog. Everyone can do so anonymously.

    Joyce



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