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My sociopathic boyfriend went from idealizing me to neglecting me

Editor’s Note: This SPATH TALE was submitted by the Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Kathleen Jones.”

Spath TalesI dated a sociopath for two years before I found out what he was.

We met on an online dating site.

He mirrored my shyness and interests. I was smitten with him right away. He was not pushy, but patient, and soon we were a couple.

After three months of bliss, he would start arguments with me over nothing, but would manipulate me by crying and lying so that I always thought I was in the wrong.

It was a long distance relationship, so we saw each other on the weekends.

He went from idealizing me, to neglecting me.

When I would bring up how I felt, he would say he felt pressured and was doing the best he could. He said he had a full life.

I met his friends and family who all seemed to like me and confirm his story that I was his “first girlfriend.”

Eight months into what I thought was an exclusive relationship I found out he was smoking pot and drinking consistently after he told me he never did stuff like that and hated putting poison into his body.

This lie I caught him in seemed so unlike him that I broke off our relationship.

Around this time, his email had a virus and sent an email to everyone he had emailed. Out of curiosity I checked who he had emailed and found he had responded to craigslist personal ads to have sex with both men and women.

I confronted him and he claimed someone had hacked his email. I believed him because it seemed so far from the man I knew him to be.

With me he was shy, gentle, and courteous. He once kicked a path for me in the snow because I mentioned my shoes might get wet.

After I broke it off, he proceeded to pursue me relentlessly with promises to change and “grow up.” He was no longer neglecting me, but idealizing me again.

Two weeks of this and I decided to give it another shot. Again he was prince charming and wanted to see me all the time. We moved in together and once again I was on cloud nine.

Then he started neglecting me again and saying he was homesick and missed his family. He threatened to move when I complained about him neglecting me.

He started ignoring me completely and wouldn’t even respond when I asked him questions.

If I pressed for an answer, he just said he was depressed.

He wouldn’t sleep in my room with me, he slept on the couch. When I wanted to stay up, he went to bed. When I went to bed, he stayed up downstairs on his computer.

During this time I had another roommate renting with us so that I could afford to stay in my place. I was on disability, had a tenuous living situation in which I rented from my dad who wanted to sell his house if I couldn’t keep it rented out.

I did not get along with my other roommate, who was female. One day I came home and found my supposed boyfriend talking with my roommate. They both stopped talking when I entered the room and I asked why.

In private, he said she was trying to buy pot from him.

I decided I’d had enough of her and would appease my boyfriend by moving to his hometown. He was thrilled and I told my dad to sell the house.

A week later my boyfriend broke up with me because I was “keeping him down.” He moved that day back to his hometown, knowing I had lost my place to live.

Later I discovered he had stolen my migraine medications. Furious I demanded he make restitution for what he stole. He did and begged me for my friendship which I gave after another month of his relentless pursuing.

He told me he wanted to marry me which I knew was a lie, but could not figure out why he would go through all that trouble if he didn’t care.

That’s when I decided to tell him I knew what he had talked about with my roommate.

He confessed at that point that he had been trying to buy pills from her and that she had never asked for pot. It was then that I knew he had lied about not responding to those craigslist ads and that no one had hacked his email.

I cut contact.

My friend told me to look up the description of a sociopath and when I did I was both mortified and relieved to realize my ex fit the description perfectly, from his flat affect and dead eyes, to his impulsive irresponsibility, and pathological lying.

Everything made sickening sense and I realized he never loved me.

I later found him by his photo on several dating web sites with different identities.

He had told me once that no one could put anything past me, and he had been cheating on me while implying that I was too needy. This single cruelty illustrates the calculated maliciousness he operates with.

For a long time after I stopped talking with the sociopath. He called and harassed me and I had to change my contact information.

I suffered a physical relapse from an autoimmune disease I have and worsening depression, which I am happy to say are getting better today.

I hope to educate people about sociopaths so no one ever has to experience this kind of abuse.

 



9 Comments on "My sociopathic boyfriend went from idealizing me to neglecting me"

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  1. Kathleen – your story is classic manipulation by a sociopath. I am sure that many Lovefraud readers experienced something very similar. Thank you for sharing.



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  2. CatHas9Lives says:

    Hi Kathleen,
    Wow!! Sounds like everything I”ve read here about sociopaths!!
    You are loveable, its just that he’s not ABLE to love šŸ™
    I gather you didn’t have any kids with him, so with luck and your own efforts,
    you’ll stay free of this guy!!
    Hugs!!
    Cat



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    • carriek99 says:

      This is very similar situation to what I’ve recently been through. Was with a man (which I thought at one time was the love of my life) and he completely destroyed me. I was always a very strong independent woman, a stepmother to his children, and now I’m so depressed. None of my friends can understand what I’ve really gone through. No one can relate. Once I started calling him out on his bullsh*t things really started getting bad. At one point he became physically abusive. At that point our relationship went down the tube but I for some reason still wanted to remain friends. I really don’t know why? It’s like my heart wasn’t complete unless he was in my life…even as a friend. I was stupid and remained sleeping with him. Only to find naked pics of this underage girl…whom he called his niece…long story, etc. But I’ve had NC ever since. I’m just sick over this. I’m depressed. How do I move on? He keeps trying to contact me but I don’t want anything to do with him ever again. He crossed a line that can never be fixed. What he has done is unholy.

      Any advice would be helpful. I just want to move on and be the happy woman I used to be. (oh btw he is 39 and she just turned 18…Puke)



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      • kathleenjones says:

        Hi carriek99, I am so happy to hear you went NC. It really sped up the healing process for me. It does take time. I was in a pretty severe depression for 8 months after finding out who my ex really was. I thought about revenge often and also didn’t see much point to moving on with my life. Time has changed all that. I also sought treatment with therapy and psychiatry for my depression. Today I am happy. I feel a lot better. It just takes time and patience. Let yourself grieve and don’t be afraid to get help if you need to. Supportive online communities like this one also help, so it is good that you are reaching out.



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      • Gwenda says:

        Carrie, your story sounds a lot like mine and im still struggling with it. You should read my story ” Addicted to a socio path” it may help.

        I thought my bf was the man of my dreams to end up being my living nightmare from hell!He went from worshipping the ground I walk on to completely neglecting me,tearing me to pieces,using and abusing me. Once the problems started…lies,dating sites,naked ex wife pics,starting fights over anything to use it as an excuse to run away for the night and turn his phone off. That’s when all intimacy stopped and he refused to touch me. He blamed everything on me because I got upset at these things and said I was the reason for the problems. That me addressing these issues were apparently worse than his actions.

        Almost every argument he would taunt me with my insecurities, degrade me in every way and shatter me with the most horrible things you can ever say to a person. That eventually led to physical abuse we he gave me black eyes,smash my head through walls and almost broke my jaw. Any time he got physical he had no remorse. He told me I’m lucky that’s all I got and to tell someone who cares.That if I went to the police he was making sure I went with him.

        I kept feeding into his fake apologies and that he continued to tell me he loved me everyday. That was the only thing we had that made us a couple. We went from living together to a relationship where we spoke on the phone everyday and said I love you.

        I have never been one to put up with any of this from a man. This relationship has made me so physically sick that it has affected my work, my finances, health and every day life. Not one of my friends understand what I have gone through with this guy or why I’ve put up with so much. As disgusted as I am in everything he’s done and the person he is..I cant seem to be able to cut him off. I don’t understand why I allow myself to get in these states where i feel like I cant be without him to the point it drives me crazy for how wrong I know it is.



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  3. eggshellsnomore says:

    I caught my ex hooking up with men on Craigslist also. Apparently it is common with spaths–who knew? I also believed the excuses and lies, because it was so far fetched and did not match the man I thought I knew. Like your ex, he worked really hard in the beginning to woo me and always had the right answers to every question and he also wanted everything I had ever dreamed of in a relationship. We were engaged and married far too soon, and then the facade dropped, during our honeymoon. Whenever I tried to stand up for myself or fight back, he always had a way of playing up my personal insecurities or turning all of the things he said were “real” and “good” about me against me. When you are a person of conscience, it is easy for someone to make you feel guilty and at fault. Good for you for getting away when you did, before marriage and kids.



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  4. kathleenjones says:

    Thank you all for your comments. Sharing my experience with others who have been there and understand what I went through has been greatly healing!



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  5. Stargazer says:

    Kathleen Jones,

    Your story is somewhat similar to mine. When I found out about the pathological lies, I also cut contact. Like you, I had a friend tell me to google “seductive sociopath”, and here I ended up – on LF learning about his type. LF saved me. If not for learning about sociopaths, I may have actually tried to reconnect with this guy, not understanding his true condition. And we all know how these stories go when you go back to a sociopath. Fortunately for me, the relationship was very short.

    But the neglect part of your story takes me back to a much older relationship with a man I felt was the love of my life. We were together for about 3 years. We fell in love – or so I thought. He was a very busy alpha male who had many jobs – all financial related. He was on a mission to be a millionaire by the time he was 55 so he could sail around the world. I was 38 when I met him. When our relationship ended abruptly, I was 41. I felt at that time that I given him my last vital years and that I would be alone from then on. In some way, it’s been a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    However, at first we fell madly in love. I loosely figured myself into his private agenda of sailing around the world though it wasn’t my agenda. I was in love with him. I believed he was the man I would marry. We lived together on and off for a few years and I considered him as my husband psychologically and emotionally. We moved in together after only 3 months. I had originally lived in my own condo not far from him. After the honeymoon stage wore off, he threw himself into all his jobs and had hardly any time for me. **This is where I made a very bad decision, and I own this decision**. Instead of confronting his lack of attention and pulling back on my end, I moved in with him so we could have more time together. This didn’t help. He would slink into his basement every chance he got to do whatever he was doing on the computer. I assumed it was work but I don’t really know. He seemed to be always working. When not working, he was a triathlete, training for the next Ironman. He was very athletic. I was not. We actually had little in common. All of these things were signs that I should have taken a step back, and I should not have moved in with him. But I was already attached. We we still lovers and he did seem to want to be with me. But his neglect of me was very painful. In the peak of his neglect, he was on the phone with his ex-wife on a Saturday night. She was in jail at the time. He and I had not gone out or spent a Saturday night together in months. It really hurt me. But my response was to nag him, which drove him farther into his basement and the computer. In retrospect, I should have taken a step back and moved back into my condo. Instead, I sold the condo.

    This is a man who (by his own admission) could be like a sociopath. I didn’t know what that meant at the time. I don’t think he was a sociopath, but he was certainly low in empathy. On the few occasions when I would finally set boundaries with him and express my feelings in a non-dramatic way, he would respond favorably. But it was very rare when I did that. Here’s why (and I think this could be useful for everyone here): In order to negotiate a behavioral change in someone, you MUST be willing to walk away. With me, and I think with many people here, we could not walk away. I was too co-dependent. I was too dependent – emotionally and financially at that point.

    Because I was never willing to walk away, his neglect and disrespect became more and more blatant. I was financially dependent on him (which he probably resented). So when I finally did have a plan to (begrudgingly) move away, it was too late. He had already begun an emotional affair with someone that later turned into a full blown affair. At that point, I couldn’t stay. I cannot tolerate cheating. I packed a bag and left. Though I wrote him one letter after I left and received a very hurtful reply, I never spoke to him again. We never had closure, and this has always haunted me, though I have not realized it until recently.

    It has been about 13 years since I left him, but I don’t think I ever completely recovered. I had many dreams about him over the years. In the dreams we were either loosely together but he was cheating and neglecting me, or we were not together but I was trying to re-insert myself into his busy life.

    Just last night I dreamt about him out of the blue. In the dream, we were loosely a couple but not very close. But then something happened. He just started caring about me and paying attention to me one day. It was a Friday in the dream, just as it was Friday yesterday. When this happened, I told him that I loved him. It was the first time I’d said this in a long time. That began a shift in our relationship. We agreed to have Friday be our day to be together and shower each other with attention. Very strange dream. Never before in any of my dreams about him did I have any completion or satisfaction. I think this is a sign that I’m ready to finally grieve that relationship so I can move on. It is the first time I have stopped blaming myself for having such a weak identity, and realize that he did in fact neglect me. It takes two to have a relationship. He just didn’t keep up his end. He pulled out. It didn’t mean I was unlovable or incapable of love.

    This movement of energy has come about because I met a guy recently who has stirred up my feelings. I don’t feel he is meant to be a partner for me, but he is very openhearted and honest with me, which I appreciate. He is playing the field meeting a lot of women and having a good time. He was hurt badly in a failed marriage to a woman I believe was a sociopath. I was very upfront with him that I will not sleep with him as long as he is seeing other women. He has continued to come around and show interest. I think he really likes me, but I don’t know if we will develop the depth that will make either of us want to focus only on each other. However, his caring and attention has somewhat revived my guarded heart. He has been like a muse for me, and in some strange way, he is helping me to heal. I think I am serving some similar purpose for him. He keeps saying, “There’s something about you….” This time around I have something I didn’t have with that guy 13 years ago: I have boundaries and I have self-respect. I’m not afraid to walk away if I feel hurt or disrespected. I’m not afraid to end the friendship if I have to. But I hope I don’t have to, because I feel there could be something there for me.

    Sorry for the long post. I hope it sparks something for someone here, rather than just being a long rant.

    Hugs to all – Star



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  6. Escapefor1 says:

    He sounds like he might have clinical depression. Often narcissism is mistaken for bipolar, and some who have been diagnosed with depression may actually be narcissistic or dependent. It is sometimes hard to tell these apart if he does not explain how he views things or what he is thinking.



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