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I had a seven-year affair with my sociopath pastor

Spath Tales

Editor’s note: This story was written by a reader whom we’ll call “Carlotta.”

My story began rather sad. I met the P when I was almost 15.

I am 22 now and had dated this man for seven years in a secret relationship that no one knew about. At that time (seven years ago), he was married for a year and was a pastor of a church.

He began using his authority to get close to me and hang out with him more and one day approached me and told me that he is attracted to me and loves me, also mentioning that he feels so loved by me and no one else.

He said his wife had cheated on him with someone else and he receives no love from her whatever and really loves me. I was confused at the time but he charmed me away and I let all my guards down. He made me feel like I was on the top of the world.

He would constantly lie to me about himself and his wife ALL the time in regards to the fact that he was not sleeping with her and was disgusted by her every time he saw her because she had cheated on him.

He would take me out and always try to have sex with me but I somehow always held him off but one day I let loose because he kept asking me to trust him and that he really loves me, will leave his wife and marry me.

He stopped all of my communication with my extended family and friends. He went into my Facebook, gmail and all my chats and changed passwords claiming my friends not being good people and non-Christians and I should have good friends and that the people in our church were the only real people. I lost touch with ALL of them!

I know he was lying to me somewhere deep down inside but I chose to ignore that side of the truth being so overwhelmed by his charming nature and acts of love that he displayed toward me. He would tell me things I wanted to hear. At that time I was struggling with low self esteem and he always said sweet things to me that made me feel better about myself (not knowing it was all to hook me into his trap).

He would always publicly humiliate me in front of people to make himself feel superior and have rage attacks in the car whenever I would bring up any topic about his wife or something that he did not want to talk about or unable to face. He would yell, scream and call me horrible names including the C word. and there were times when he would be extremely loving and want to have sex or go to a hotel.

I always told him that he was only nice to me when he wanted to have sex! He always denied it saying that did not really matter to him.

One of the times we were driving to a restaurant when I read a text he had sent someone that he needed to speak about me (as he suspected I spoke to someone about our secret relationship which I was STRICTLY asked to keep secret by him or else everyone would find out and we cannot be together anymore), he had told me that person contacted him and wanted to meet him and speak about how weird I was acting when it was him wanting to save his ass by speaking crap about me.

When I questioned him about the text message, he yelled, screamed and said we’re going home and how I always keep ruining everything and have an excessive doubting problem when he’s only saying the truth.

I ended up apologizing because he put the entire blame on me and made me feel like the mad person!

A few years went by and we found out that his wife had had 3 more affairs and finally eloped with another man. She accused him of being physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. She also accused him of rape and extreme domestic violence.

He is extremely good in speaking people out of things and twisting things so good by making the other person look like the villain. He turned the whole story around at her and convinced everyone to believe it was her who had a problem, hence the affairs and hence the run-away act! Those few who believed her and saw him for who he really was became bad people and he always spoke ill of them and brought them down in ALL of his conversations.

He told me, “finally she’s gone and we can be together”. I was very confused in all of this but he brainwashed me SO GOOD and tricked me into believing every word of his was true!

I started to work when I was 19 and he did not like that at all as I was not always under his nose and would be going to work in the day. He would yell, scream and abuse me for it but I had no choice and had to pay my tuition. When the money started to roll in, he used me to pay his bills, his movie tickets, made me pay one installment for his luxurious car, hotel bills and completely saturated me off all the money I had.

Whenever I would get upset, he would put the entire blame on me and make me look like the bad guy and I would always end up apologizing thinking I was losing out on something great! He would also lie to me and tell me he is collecting money for an orphanage and use it for buying stuff for himself!

Suddenly ­I saw signs of him getting flirtations with one of the girls who I had brought to church, she used to work with me earlier and was someone I associated with only with work related things. She was very soft spoken, very quiet, calm and a good girl. Not a very loud, fun loving personality like me.

I suddenly felt him getting flirty with this girl and wanting her to come for all our hangouts, when I asked him he says , “Oh come on, I’m just being a father to them and taking care of them, just let me do what God wants me to do, you know I love you and that I am so attracted to you.”

We went to a few hotels after and had sex.

Suddenly in one of our fights he brought up something about this girl and said that she had called him confessing she had a crush on him and wants to see if anything could work out between them. I got jealous and he says, “Oh i was just joking to see your reaction!”

After 2 months passed, he came to me and told me he needed a break and was suddenly getting very rude and mean.

I felt mistreated, used and abused.

I went crying to him asking him if he was having an affair and if he really loved me? He said oh yes, of course I do.

I wanted to tell you that what we’re doing is so sinful and I should stay away from him and this relationship and leave it to God and repent. I thought he was honestly seeking repentance because we had slept together before marriage. I asked him if he was really going to marry me and he said “Well ask me if I want to, of course I want to, but we will leave the rest to God.”

I took that as something true and after two weeks he tells me that he wants to break up!

I was DEVASTATED, like my whole world fell apart!

He told me that it was me and my lies and how I always treated people badly and how I pushed him away these few months and he wants to move on and find someone else who really, really loves him etc.

I did not know what was happening to me, people around me thought I was delusional, I was going through PTSD.

The next day I see him extremely flirting with the same girl he spoke about earlier, after a week and a half he got engaged to her and in the next two months is getting married to her.

All this time, our relationship was kept a secret. I would call him just after the break up and ask him why he did this, he would always say “I was always faithful, I always told you the truth, I never lied to you, It was YOU who did this, YOU who pushed me away and YOU who did not know how to stay humble and treat people right”.

This was completely bullocks and at that point I felt completely guilty thinking I have let this slip out of my hands and have lost someone so precious and the love of my life.

I could’nt keep away from him – I kept calling him and he kept calling me psycho and desperate and saying “Can you stop begging and move on” he would also call and abuse me when he would feel that I was speaking to someone about our relationship/affair which was supposed to be kept completely secret. I found out later he has NOT spoken anything to his new fiancée about us, about me or the affair.

He simply labeled me as the girl who has a severe crush on him and cannot stand him being with someone else.

Not calling him was like a withdrawal symptom. I did not know what happened to me, I couldn’t keep away from him. I needed a dose of the drug, whatever it was we were speaking about – did not matter.

He would keep calling me initially for useless things to keep an eye on me – things which I would completely forget about and insisted on meeting me and speaking to me and would tell me things like “why can’t we just be friends? I really like you and you will always be that special person for me, but now I really love this other girl and I want to be able to speak my joys and sorrows with you etc.”

He purposely initiated a forced surprise party at my house on my birthday to apparently show fake affection toward me so that I don’t leave the church and people get suspicious of our hidden relationship.

I finally decided I couldn’t take it anymore and flew to see my family in India.

When I was here, I contacted his ex-wife who had eloped and accused him of these things. She spoke truthfully to me saying when she would speak to someone about him, he would find out and grab her by the hair, drag her out of the car, choke her in the lift, take her into the room, belt her and rape her afterward.

He would very often have car rages when he would drive the car so fast and threaten to run into a wall or bash into another car and drive like a maniac! – He used to steal the church money to pay his bills on movies, expensive T-shirts etc.

He would be addicted to porn and have tissues scattered under the bed and in the dustbin.

I later connected everything she said and it did make sense. Even though I did not live with him, I have seen bunch of tissues several times in the dust bin and around the computer in the mornings when I would visit him.

He had also hit me many times last year and before when we would have an argument and speak about someone he very crucially defended or his friend or raise a topic about his wife and him sleeping with her. I told him I would leave him if he ever did that again and he did not after last year.

After every incident he would sleep with me or take me out on dates and be extra loving and affectionate that I would completely forget about what he had done that was completely wrong.

He severally manipulated me into thinking he loved me and that he fought for this relationship and I let it go and continued saying he wants to do it right with his new girl and our relationship was only a mistake and the one before mine and that he will not repeat the same mistakes again.

Even when I travelled, he would call me and cry on the phone to cover his tracks and not to get in touch with his ex-wife as she would ruin him and me but I did not care anymore and exposed him to a few key people in our church after which he got extremely defensive and continued bad mouthing me and telling everyone how much of a horrible person, liar, and delusional psychopath I am.

I have seen a therapist and looking into this blog has really helped me self-reflect and know what kind of a person he really is. He is the worst man I could ever possibly want to be with.

I am still healing and after he got exposed about two weeks ago – I have started NO Contact which has really, really helped me.

I will be flying back soon and still maintain NC. His thoughts keep coming up and initially it was SO hard to keep away from the phone and calling him but now, I do-not have that urge.  I want to get him out of my mind and my sight. People tell me I am lucky to be free from his clutches.

 



31 Comments on "I had a seven-year affair with my sociopath pastor"

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  1. soulsister says:

    I meant to say she strives to make a living after moving to another country, leaving everything behind. and I am lucky to Not have associated with him in marriage.



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  2. Stargazer says:

    Soulsister, I’m so sorry to read about what happened to you. I cannot imagine having this happen at the tender age of 14 when you were so impressionable, and for it to go on for 7 years. It also saddens me to think that there was no one who could protect you at such a young age, although sociopaths are very clever at covering their tracks. This man is a monster. It wouldn’t surprise me if other victims come out at some point and expose him. But it’s a tough battle to wage against him on your own, because as Donna pointed out, they are masters at manipulation. The important thing is that you are free, and you have your whole life ahead of you. You will probably need help and support in dealing with the aftermath. There could be a lot of anger, rage, depression, grief, and self-doubt. Just the grief alone for the loss of any 7-year relationship would be immense. But with a sociopath, when you realize he never truly cared about you, it is much much worse. It will take some time to get past this, but you are already so strong to have left him. And now you know the truth – that there are some very evil people out there and that they often hide in positions of power – in the Church, in the military, in business, and in politics.

    Please know that your relationship to a higher power is very individual, and you can find it in any way you choose. It doesn’t have to be in a church.

    May you be blessed upon your journey – you are a very strong woman and an inspiration.



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  3. soulsister says:

    @Stargazer Thank you for your encouragement. yes, It honestly was a battle at the beginning because I only blamed myself and it killed me inside out. But when I came to the knowledge of who he really was which was a shock.. I couldn’t even wrap my mind around it, he had manipulated me so good that my brain was rejecting the fact that he was a SPATH!.. After countless number of “AHA” moments reading relevant articles I was able to bring myself to consciousness of his hideous acts. He was so messed up that he told me he wrote the ‘Serenity Prayer’ for a friend and Archies bought it. (that was just one of the many manic things). He was constant in Love bombing after his discards, insults and humiliations.

    I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that he will not budge from lying to people about me and saying I’m delusional. He even recently tried contacting me but i never responded ( 2 weeks back). He’s asked many people to try and find my whereabouts but I have deleted and blocked everyone associated to him in any manner. He and his so call Missionary couple will have a lot of answer to give God. they all abuse their authority and position by ignoring the evil in the church and letting an evil, delusional SPATH pastor a church with young women, children and vulnerable souls.

    You are right when you say people like him are always in a position of power to abuse people below them and feed themselves.

    Today’s the 50th day of NC and I am very glad he is gone. My mind is detoxifying. Yes there is hurt, there is grief, there is pain, but above all.. I know deep down inside, there is HOPE.



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  4. Stargazer says:

    I forgot to mention that they also hang out in schools and youth groups as teachers and camp counselors. Just by writing about your experience, you are no doubt helping countless others who have had similar experiences. Also, you are so very lucky to have the benefit of the internet where you can read about sociopaths and have a global support network. I grew up in times before computers and was very isolated in the abuse I went through with my parents. I think having a support network can make such a huge difference. It’s a lot to wrap your mind around – how really evil some people can be. It’s a lot easier to just pretend it doesn’t happen.



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  5. soulsister says:

    @Stargazer Yes, I have been much impacted and my important source of healing was through reading other peoples stories. There is so much information up on the web and I am honestly very grateful to have come across important resources. 🙂

    I’m just wondering, Its become so common now for Pastor to be child molestors or maybe its just all being exposed.



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  6. Jan7 says:

    Hi Soulsister, my heart just breaks for you, to have others turn their back and stay loyal to this evil sociopath it’s sickening. I think this is one of the hardest things that occurs when you first have your awakening as to the fact that you are in a abusive relationship and need to get out asap and finding out that abuser is a sociopath/psychopath and no one will listen to your wise advise or what happened to you at the hands of your abuser.

    Like you (and most on this site) my long time friends (25 plus years) or family would not listen to me as to who he was, a sociopath and even friends that did not like him during my marriage stayed friends with him after I left him even though I told them who he was and all the abuse he did to me during our marriage. It’s was a shock but for me I looked at how masterful he was at manipulating everyone with his lying words not just me and this is how he too sucked me into his sick twisted sociopathic game….

    and this gave me some closer on the fact that anyone and everyone can be sucked into a sociopaths con game not just us. Also sociopaths start a “smear campaign” against the ones they are abusing usually the wife, girlfriend, mistresses long before the relationship ends so that the true victims look like the crazy ones and the sociopath looks like the normal one…which we all know is not true. For a sociopath it’s all about controlling people and a “narcissist smear campaign” (google) and “narcissist triangulation” (google) is the best way for a sociopath to control people from learning the truth throughout their con game. I am guessing this pastor sociopath has been using the smear campaign and triangulation as part of his con game for some time regarding you because just look at how he smeared his ex wife after she left him.

    Like you state these “missionary’s” that turned their back on you and are following evil have an agenda, (little do they know they are following the devil himself)….they need to stay there since he controls their entry visa and he might even have talked them into keeping their pass port for “safe keeping” and they fear now he will not give them back. Sociopaths are masterful at thinking 10 steps ahead in their game just incase someone expose them. I want to tell you, you did the right thing going to these people because you planted a seed in their minds that this guy is evil and this might just wake up their minds and start spreading the truth about his evil ways.

    As for you now….I thought when I first read your post that you might be in England or the US since you stated that you returned home to India. Now that I know you are living in the M.E I want you to be VERY careful with who you tell your story too even the police because women in the Middle East countries to not have the freedoms or rights like women in Europe or the USA. I do not want you to end up in jail there even though you are spreading the truth. Also the fact that you are not a citizen in that country puts more fear in me for your safety. I think it is important for you to know where your countries Embassy is located in this Middle East country and program their phone number in your phone incase this sociopath lies and puts you in a legal bind as this is what sociopaths do to people who try to expose them to the outside world. When you tell your story do NOT use the word affair use the words molested by a child molester instead as this is what happened to you and in some M.E countries women can get thrown in jail or stoned for having “affiars” (Donna you might want to change the title of this main post to reflect this for her safety)

    Like everyone here has advised you turn your back on all of these sociopath followers it’s time now to heal yourself and you can not save people from the grips of this evil sociopath while healing yourself. Find out if there is a women abuse center in your country you are living in and if there is go there and this too will give you protect legally (but only if your gut trust the women there) and they will also have free counseling and women groups meetings that will help you to heal.

    Take care,



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  7. soulsister says:

    @Jan7 yes, I live in the U.A.E and out here, if you’re caught in an affair you get deported, however if you’re found in any other region such as Saudi Arabia, you can be stoned or be-headed as per the rules 10 years ago, but much has improved. As you mentioned he used insane amount of triangulation and kept me in his clutches. At first (love-boming) I am so much NOT like hie evil ex-wife and he is so in-love with me… it was days before he told me he loves me, not even knowing me so much.. He learned me so well by taking me for coffee before church every week while his wife was home. He was nothing less than evil.. He studied me, reflected and at the end projected and discarded.

    He showered a whole lot of money for his wife in the early years and towards the last year denied her of basic needs and she had to get a card from her mother to get daily supplies and clothes while he spent his money on me. Little did I know what he was up to, by the time I was 18 and I was broken to hear that from his wife. Mr Spath is very wealthy and lives off his dad’s wealth. He also denied his ex-wife maintenance money every month saying he doesn’t have any money and is being responsible and paying for his wedding himself.

    Regarding the Missionary Family.. They come affiliated as the Regional Head of the Middle east from a very huge organisation in Tennessee but are originally from Alabama. They are the biggest hypocrites I know. I will call them Mr and Mrs “X”. When I initially spoke to Mrs X, her being my accountability partner i thought she would believe me but she thought I was delusional because the SPATH had always told everyone from this January to stay aware as soulsister has lying problems. He was basically preparing the discard in a very crafty way. Later, After providing Mrs X all the evidence calling up the hotels and showing receipts she finally believed but her husband completely disregarded everything i spoke with her and denied speaking with me saying he wants to Help the SPATh through whatever it is and cannot hear me. ( More like he chooses not to believe me) whatever it was, It was very sad.

    And me meeting anyone from the church has been made impossible by the Mr and Mrs “X” they have taken over leadership as they think their Pastor “SPATH” is under attack my people trying to destroy the church.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! little do they know he is the devil himself, he has lied to his new target about me, about his ex-wife, about everything! Its saddening.

    I will not go to the cops because I know how good he is at twisting things. He once called me and told me if I did anything he would take me down with him. He would call me after the break up to check up on me to see if I spoke about us to anyone because he is so cautious about his bullshit reputation. Also he’s an Indian too and has got inside sources for alot of things. I know that what he has sown he will reap!

    Thank you so much for your words of comfort and wisdom, They have helped me much. Its honestly through women like you and encouraging stories out there that I am alive and healing above all God and his grace!



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    • Jan7 says:

      Hi Soulsister, you should be very proud of yourself not only did you escape the hell you were living by the hands of a evil sociopath but you have educated yourself fully on exactly how he mentally and emotionally abused you for so long. This is a huge step in the healing process. You are very wise beyond your 22 years.

      Sociopaths are so so masterful at their lying to convene others that the true victim is the “crazy one”…I witnessed this same game with my ex h normally during our marriage, in the beginning I would call him out on his belittling of people but over time I was just so mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted by his games that I just ignored him something you can never do with a sociopath because it’s part of the way they drives you deeper into despair. This sociopath that you speak of really broke his wife down…the best thing she ever did was leave the country for her safety and sanity. It’s so sad that she endured such a brutal smear campaign by her abuser and now he is doing it to you (sad).

      I am glad that you shared your story on this wonderful site….I want you to know that we HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR…that we know your pain that you have endured and you have so much love and support here. What the sociopath never counted on was women joining forces to heal…women are powerful in numbers!!

      I think the best thing you can do is just to cut all ties with this church and their followers…with time they too will see this evil sociopaths mask slip and they too will be devalued, discard and will endure a merciful smear campaign against them as well. All sociopaths are exposed it just takes time so while you heal know that he will be exposed by others. You have planted the seed in Mrs X’s mind and she will be watching this sociopath and then will plant the truth in her husbands mind when her mind fully awakens to what she is seeing. I know it’s hard to loose all of your church friends but it’s the only way to move forward someday they will come to you and say they are sorry for not believing you when you spoke the truth.

      When I first left I felt (like most victims) that I was married to a pure evil person…then I educated myself on what I endured, I was shocked at how common sociopaths really are (1 in 25 people) and wondered why this topic was not taught in school or why the Bible warns us of “evil” but does not explain in detail the traits of evil people. I thought that the Bible should have a preface of a description of a sociopath/narcissist (ie traits, mind games they play ie gas lighting, triangulation etc) then throughout the Bible stories of evil they should state “evil narcissist” or “evil sociopaht” then the world would be fully educated on the evil in this world.

      Wishing you all the best!



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      • AnnettePK says:

        I am aware of strong and specific Biblical descriptions of spath behavior, the harm it does to victims, and instructions on how to deal with it.

        Matthew 23 is a description of the hypocrisy of spaths.

        Psalm 55 laments the pain of betrayal by a spath.

        2 Timothy 3:1-13 explains spath behavior and that it is becoming more severe and more prevalent as time goes on. Verse 5 tells us to stay away from sociopaths.

        1 Cor 5:11 instructs us not to interact with an abuser, sexually immoral person, who calls himself a Christian. When I read and understood this verse I realized that I had no choice but to have no contact with my abusive cross dressing pedophile ex who masquerades as a Christian.

        This page contains a chart comparing the biblical description of Satan with the DSM traits of a sociopath. There aren’t scripture references, but the passages referenced are well known and would show up in a google search. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/soul-slayer-psychological-evil-spiritual-evil-or-both

        When my ex spath did something really awful to me, a minister suggested I read the Psalms. It was good advice, and I found comfort in the descriptions of spath behavior in many of the Psalms. For example Psalm 64 describes the scheming and lying spaths do against their victims. There are many more Psalms about spaths.

        Note also Proverbs 26:18-19, 25-26; and Proverbs 6:12-19 expounded on in this Lovefraud post: http://www.lovefraud.com/2011/07/15/what-are-worthless-and-wicked-people-like-a-biblical-description-of-the-psychopath/comment-page-1/#comments



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        • Jan7 says:

          yes…there are many stores about evil in the Bible but the Bible never uses the terms “sociopath” or “narcissist” nor does it state that 1 in 5 people are narcissist 75% men or 1 in 25 people are sociopaths/psychopaths. I wish this would change…I wish that the bible would state this now that our society has accurate terms for that “evil” is because it would wake people up to be alert and on guard always.

          The fact is most people never think that they will meet a evil person but good people are the targets of these evil people not other bad people.



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          • AnnettePK says:

            I understand you’d like the Bible to have more info. I think it would be too long a book if it covered detailed info on all possible subjects. I think that is why it describes behaviors specifically. The percentage may not be the same throughout the centuries and throughout the world, due to variations in factors that contribute to the disorder.Consider that the labels sociopath and narcissist are modern medical psychiatry terms that didn’t have Hebrew or Greek equivalents when the Bible was written. It was written for all times, so the principles in it are more general, and can be combined with true and helpful info from other sources.

            Also, consider that using the Bible for an authoritative source of wisdom and knowledge doesn’t mean we can’t use other relevant sources that provide true and helpful information. There are many sources of info, like the natural sciences, astronomy, medicine, that complement Biblical information.

            The Bible provided me with the info I needed about my ex P – he chooses to lie and harm others, the source of his evil is ultimately Satan, God gives him the opportunity to repent, if he does not choose to repent (change), God will ultimately prevent him from harming others forever. God allowed me to leave the marriage (Matt 19:9 adultery in the form of pornography)and I am not to interact with him (1 Cor 5:11). It’s not all the info there is about spaths, but if I follow this course of action, I can get free and recover.

      • soulsister says:

        @Jan7 Thank you for sharing, I could not believe the way he already started to work his craftiness into making everyone believe I was retarded and crazy. Now I hear he’s planning his romantic wedding and honeymoon. Its not fair for him to be having a blast on someone else’s cost. Like you mentioned, You started to ignore him.. I started doing that for a month or two when he got on my nerves and moving without his knowledge even from work to home would be another fight. He would object almost everything and yes, it drove me deeper into despair.

        I have already cut most of them out – the ones close to him and now i find out that he’s trying to get everyone to call me and find out my whereabouts. Strangely people asking me when I would be back, where I am etc etc. Mr and Mr’s X have been to entangled by him. There’s a spirit of confusion in that church , something I found form SPATH’s Ex wife which is so true because everyone, I mean it.. whoever goes there, even if the truth is in front of them, they choose not to believe. Its ridiculous and only when I am out of the mess I see how much people are blinded by him. They are stupid too but Its not really their fault, He’s made a small world amongst them.. He’s made them feel like they cannot survive anywhere else. He’s made them feel very safe and in that fake feeling of safety is using them all and abusing them. He’s been abusing his authority for years together.

        Its honestly a relief to be away form them. Everytime I speak to them, it reminds me of him and there goes mixed emotions. Staying away is the best and NC is the best thing ever if not broken. I cannot imagine enduring the pain worse than my initial NC, I could never break it. It would kill me and destroy me completely. Neither do I ever want to bump into him.

        People say after some time they really don’t matter anymore. Anything they say or do does not matter anymore. The feelings just separate and I cannot wait for that time, honestly. I hear it takes 10-12 months?



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        • Jan7 says:

          Soulsister, I am so glad you have educate yourself on this evil sociopath manipulation and con game. It is very clear in your post that you know all of his con games he did to you..this is a huge healing step for you.

          Others will see him for who he is it just takes time….they will see that he is creating distractions (a new marriage) from what you stated…but with time they will see his new bride slowly being controlled and broken down…they will see him flirting with other young girls…you have plant the seed of truth in their minds.

          A sociopath does not stop his sex addiction even if he gets married he will still manipulate young girls (sadly) into a relationship with him just like he did to his bride. You are not the only victim in this church there are many others girls that he is sleeping with and abusing exactly what you endured but they are to scared to come forward at this time or have not fully awoken from his brain washing. His marriage is only a camouflage to get away with molesting more girls. He is a child molester.

          Sociopaths always have others call when you go no contact with them…my ex got friends to suck me back into the marriage when I finally had proof of his two year affair…I was almost free…and they unknowing sucked me back into his con game, I stayed another 7 years (along with the marriage counselor not knowing about sociopathic abuse). When these people call tell them to come to lovefraud.com and educate themselves on this sociopaths behavior but do not share any info about your new life because they are reporting back to him and he is still trying to mind control you through others to keep you quite.



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          • soulsister says:

            @Jan7 Yes, educating myself is the best means I currently have against the evil man! – Its strange how he can use people to contact me when I thought by now he would have no need or desire to know my whereabouts, what I am doing, where I am etc.. He’s going full fledged on Facebook, uploading almost 15 selfies of him and the wife to be. They book look very happy and she smiles like she’s on top of the world, she is REALLY happy – I can see it in her eyes and I hate it, no matter how much I do-not want to – I still end up doing. I know she’s going to suffer but sometimes I ask myself the question – What if she does not – what if she has a great life, but again, that’ll never happen.

            I’ve got his friends, whatsapping like never before all concerned to know what I am doing, where I am going etc. Its frustrating but I just block them. As far as what we know he has only molested me and yes, had an eye on some of the others but was too afraid what they would think and do.. Sad to know that, but I’m sure his day will come!

          • AnnettePK says:

            Soul,
            It is likely that there are other girls he molested, that you aren’t aware of. He lies about everything, and manages others’ impression of him and of reality. The usual pattern is that pedophiles are serial offenders.

          • soulsister says:

            AnnettePK,

            I do-not know how to take this through with people. In-face people who are in touch with him, who were on my side are now telling me to stop bad mouthing him and stay put with whatever it is I have against him. Its honestly horrible and I really do-not like it. His ex-wife who I’ve been in touch with recently keeps telling me how she is upset that he had an affair with me and never got caught when i was 14-22 years. Its sad because I don’t even call it an affair, I call it rape and forceful manipulation. She herself had 4 affairs before she ran away for her life, too bad she was caught with all men by her Psychopath husband. Would you call this relationship an affair?

            I am keeping this lady at arms length but she really begins to get me boiling with everything, Like honestly! I don’t know what she’s thinking I did with him. A little while ago she was out there helping and now looks like she’s venting. I’m confused.

            In regards to other girls, At that time we only had 3 girls my age in church, one of them was his cousin and the other was on the chubbier side – not his type he says. So he got me.. Helpless and vulnerable, nice to everyone. he fed off me for a very long time and kept me as bait and kept using me honestly to do all of his rubbish things. even when I was with him I realised he was only keeping me just in-case something went wrong with his wife and if she ran away or if he left her. I do-not know. I always felt i was just a replacement and a scapegoat. I feel free tbh now. Good thing, but how do I get what his Ex is thinking?

  8. 4Light2shine says:

    Soulsister, I am glad to hear you are beginning to have hope. My heart goes out to you along with the others who have shared comments with you. My experiences have many similarities to yours in that it all played out within a religious community. I wanted to share a few thoughts that have helped me to make sense of it all. Most experts will agree that these types seek out situations where they have access to their supply. Whether it be their job, or some type of volunteer work, ect., if they can find themselves in a place where their title or position infers that they are benevolent, helpful, generous, doing God’s work, they can then exploit others much easier. Now think about this. If it’s a coach, does that mean that this sport or even this local league are exploitive ? What if it’s being played out in the office, or school, or any other scenario ? It helps me to look at the big picture. Sociopathic/narcissistic individuals as social predators will co-opt power from Any Source they can. Scrutinizing an institution on its merits is a different story altogether. For instance, I still believe in the explicit doctrine of my faith, even though regionally I have experienced many times twisted versions of the teachings that I know well being substituted. There were sects that sprung up during the first century Christian congregations, and according to scripture there will be sects today. Here’s a couple resources that might help you sort out how or why others get drawn in & cooperate with our decievers. Look up empathic people are natural targets for sociopaths – empath, apath, sociopath – triad. Lightshouse touches on similar ideas. Look up cognitive dissonance. Lovefraud should be home base for you though. There is so much more I would like to say but I have to go to work. Peace and Healing to you.



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    • soulsister says:

      4Light2shine honestly, this is what is exactly happening in this church. he is playing shamelessly with people. WIth their minds and hearts. He is extracting the true meaning of love and of Christlikeness right out of them.
      I recently ran into his Fiancee and she seemed over the moon shopping with her mother. I’ve heard many leaders are telling him to take it slow with the relationship but he would not listen and speed into it. Whatever it is, for a while I just got thinking “Oh well, He looks like a normal guy whoose made a few mistakes in the past and I lost something great” even today i woke up with regret just dreaming of him. It was horrible.!



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  9. soulsister says:

    @annettePK

    I actually found something that very clearly portrays the Sociopaths by comparing them to a women named Jezebel in the bible. I’ve found a list of traits they can be compared and recognised by. My spath’s ex wife has sent me this to show me what I had dealt with and what she had. Fits perfectly Infact.

    30 Amazingly Consistent Traits of the Jezebel Spirit
    “Jezebel is a spirit, but it has found access through uncrucified flesh.”
    Although the Jezebel spirit seems to be more prevalent in women, there is no doubt that it functions just as proficiently through men. (page 59)

    1. Refuses to admit guilt or wrong
    A Jezebel spirit is never wrong, unless it is a temporary admittance of guilt to gain “favor” with someone. To accept responsibility would violate the core of insecurity and pride from which it operates. When a Jezebel apologizes it is never in true repentance or acknowledgment of wrongdoing but rather “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.”
    2. Takes credit for everything
    While a strong trait of Jezebel is to never take responsibility for his wrong actions or behavior, he also is quick to take credit for benefits for which he contributed no effort.
    3. Uses people to accomplish its agenda
    The Jezebel spirit lets others do its dirty work. The Jezebel gets another person’s emotions stirred up, then lets that person go into a rage. The Jezebel sits back looking innocent, saying “Who me? What did I do?” This behavior makes it difficult for even the most ardent truth seekers to pin one down. The Jezebel spirit is clever in its agenda.
    4. Withholds information
    This is a form of control. A Jezebel wields power over you by knowing something you don’t know in a situation. In the eyes of a Jezebel, having information you don’t have is a powerful weapon of control.

    5. Talks in confusion
    It is impossible to converse with a Jezebel in logic. One pastor wrote a six-page letter to his elders about a situation in the church. The context was so vague that no one was without confusion. This is a way to maintain control and domination. When confronting a Jezebel, the subject may be changed five times in one minute. Confusion keeps them “undiscovered” and unexposed.

    6. Volunteers for anything
    A Jezebel volunteers in order to establish control. He seemingly has endless (nervous) energy and eagerly looks for opportunities to be in charge of projects. Although he will work hard, his motive is never pure, and eventually his secret agenda cannot be hidden.

    7. Lies
    A Jezebel lies convincingly. No one can lie better than he can. He can turn on the charm and make you believe blue is red. He always fools those whom he’s just met while those who have been victimized by his tactics stand by helplessly. The fact that Jezebel can look you in the eye and lie just shows how strong and adamant this rebellious and recalcitrant spirit is.

    8. Ignores people
    A classic ploy of a controller is to ignore you when you disagree with him. This tactic is frequently used by leaders when someone doesn’t agree with their plans, and they isolate the person by ignoring him. Some in these situations have been ignored for months, just because they chose not to be a puppet and say to every idea or whim. This puts the person out of the leader’s grace and forces him to either “come around” to the leader’s way of thinking or be indefinitely ignored. One is not free to disagree with a controller.

    9. Never gives credit or shows gratitude
    A Jezebel will rarely acknowledge another person’s actions, not even for something that turned out to greatly benefit the Jezebel. He just cannot bring himself to say thank you or to acknowledge that someone else did something right. There are those who have gone out of their way to bless a Jezebel by being the catalyst of sending him on a trip or giving a gift. Yet never will there be a thank you. This again puts the controller in a position of power.

    10. Criticizes everyone
    This is a characteristic of a controller. He has to be the one who looks good, so he will quickly sharply criticize anyone who makes a suggestion or plan. Even though he likes the plan, he can only criticize it because the idea did not originate from him. Criticizing others elevates the controller in his own mind.

    11. One-upmanship
    A person with a Jezebel spirit will always upstage another person. He feels threatened by anyone who dares to steal the limelight or anyone who is a threat to his power and control. If you are with such a person and tell of your accomplishment or victory, you can be assured he will quickly tell of something he has accomplished.

    12. Sequesters information
    A Jezebel loves to be in control of information. If there is ever a situation where information is important, he will push to be the “first” to know it. He seems to know everything about everyone. Where he gets all his information is beyond comprehension, but he can dictate to you data and details about people’s lives and actions in mass quantities.

    13. Uses information
    A Jezebel uses information as a leverage for power and then shares tidbits with you, often things told him in confidence. This gives him a sense of power, even to the point of trying to impress people by “knowing things” that others do not.

    14. Talks incessantly
    Many people talk habitually, but a Jezebel uses talking as a form of control. In a typical conversation, he does all the talking, whether it is about sports, the weather or the Kingdom of God. Because of this form of control, he is unable to receive input from anyone in his life. All conversation with him is one-sided. You are doing the listening.

    15. Spiritualizes everything
    When a controller is confronted, he commonly spiritualizes the situation, explaining it off on God. This prevents him from owning up to responsibility required of him. The implication is always, “You’ve got a problem; I don’t.”

    16. Is insubordinate
    A Jezebel never takes the side of the employer or a person in authority, unless it is a temporary action to make himself look good. He often will take credit for someone else’s idea. His main desire is for power and control. There is no conscience when an opportunity for recognition presents itself.

    17. Is pushy and domineering
    A person with a Jezebel spirit pressures you to do things, seemingly ripping from you your right to choose or make a decision for yourself. He makes others feel as though they don’t have enough sense to think for themselves.

    18. Is clairvoyant
    Many who operate with a spirit of control also have a clairvoyant spirit. A Jezebel has supernatural help in knowning and sensing information. If he uses this against you, he may say “I can’t tell you how I know this. I just know it.” This is not the Holy Spirit, but the help of a clairvoyant or familiar spirit. Clairvoyance may be defined as the power to perceive things that are out of the range of human senses.

    19. Uses the element of surprise
    A Jezebel’s main thrust is to be in control, and a large part of control is catching you off guard. Therefore, the element of surprise works well when he shows up a day early for a meeting, etc.

    20. Sows seeds of discord
    A Jezebel will continually belittle another person in the most subtle way. The strategy is to “gain” control by minimizing the value of another person. It is common for him to tell half-truths to implicate another person in your eyes. By sowing these seeds, he hopes to eventually reap a harvest of destruction, improving his position of power.

    21. Commands attention
    A Jezebel likes to be the center of attention and doesn’t like to see others recognized and lauded. When someone else is recognized, he will quickly undermine the person’s accomplishments verbally.

    22. Is vengeful
    Since a Jezebel is never wrong, if you contradict or confront one, get ready to become his worst enemy. As long as you are in agreement with him, all is fine. But if you confront or challenge him, then look out. You are the target of his fiercest venom. A Jezebel will stop at nothing to destroy your reputation.

    23. Attempts to make you look like you’re the Jezebel
    A Jezebel spirit is difficult to pin down. If the person is near to being confronted, he or she will skillfully twist the entire situation, trying to make the innocent person look like the one who is attempting to control. As always, the Jezebel will do anything to look like the one who is right.

    24. Insinuates disapproval
    A Jezebel will often imply disapproval to those under his or her control. The controlled person feels no freedom to express an opinion, for fear of disapproval. This often manifests in a marriage or in a working environment.

    25. Knows it all
    A Jezebel is usually blatant regarding his knowledge of everything. Quick to express his opinion in any area, he leaves little room for anyone to point out the other side of an issue. He has made idols of his opinions.

    26. Is ambitious
    The Jezebel has strong desire, but all for self. “I want what I want when I want it,” describes his worship of self-will. A Jezebel leader will never use the words, “We have a vision,” but rather, “My vision is thus and so.”

    27. Gift giving
    Gift giving is a form of manipulation a Jezebel uses that always makes you feel obligated to him. It also compromises the victim in speaking direct and confrontive truth. Naturally, not everyone who gives gifts is guilty of control, but gift giving is a tactic used by those who have a need to control.

    28. Is independent
    No one has input in a Jezebel’s life. He fraternizes with no one unless it is to get you to “cooperate” with his agenda.

    29. Is religious
    A Jezebel dwells in the local church but doesn’t like authority unless he is in the position of authority.

    30. Hides
    We all want to believe that the person with a Jezebel spirit is delivered. The person may seem “normal” for a period, exhibiting none of the classic traits. Then suddenly without warning a situation will arise, once again with the spirit taking control and wreaking havoc over lives. Hopefully, true repentance will come. Only then will the person be delivered.
    The good news is that God gives each individual person the freedom of choice. Everyone has the freedom to make decisions, to make mistakes, to think for himself, to communicate, to like or dislike and to express his taste and creativity.
    Those who control are in worship of their own wills and their own ways. Thank God for freedom.



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    • AnnettePK says:

      This is an interesting Bible study, thanks for sharing it. It would be good to go to the Bible sometime and get the specific scripture references supporting each point. Jezebel was Ahab’s wife, I think. I’m not sure that there is that much info on her though, a couple of accounts of some rotten things she did to others and to God’s prophet. She died and was eaten by dogs in the end, I think. I need to reread the account to refresh my memory.



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