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Beliefs, love and sociopaths

Jeremy Meeks

Jeremy Meeks

Meet Jeremy Meeks. His photo was posted on Facebook in mid-June. With his high cheekbones, steel-blue eyes and tough-guy tattoos, the image quickly went viral.

Where was the picture posted? On the Facebook page of the Stockton, California Police Department. Jeremy Meeks is a criminal, charged with 11 felony counts of weapons possession and gang activity. This is his mug shot.

No matter. Women were apparently lusting after him, and sending him their phone numbers.

Women lusting after sexy felon Jeremy Meeks are pissing off his wife, on Gawker.com.

I saw the picture on TV last week. Multiple media outlets—including Time.com— reported that because of the photo’s more than 100,000 Facebook likes, Meeks had been offered a modeling contract. This turned out to be nothing more than a rumor — there was no modeling deal, at least not yet.

Woman marries confessed killer Joran van der Sloot

Also last week news broke that Joran van der Sloot, the Dutchman suspected in the 2005 disappearance of Natalee Holloway, married his girlfriend in a Peruvian prison.

Van der Sloot is serving 28 years for the murder of Stephany Flores in Peru in 2010. He confessed to beating, choking and suffocating her.

Apparently Van der Sloot’s past meant nothing to Leidy Figueroa, his new bride. She met Van der Sloot while visiting a relative in prison, and is pregnant his child.

SEE IT: Joran Van der Sloot’s pregnant new bride arrives at Peruvian jailhouse for wedding service, on NYDailyNews.com.

Woman will leave children to marry prisoner

Here’s another story, sent in by a Lovefraud reader.

Jennifer Butler, of Suffolk, England started writing to Christopher Mosier in a Minnesota prison in July 2011. Mosier is due to be paroled in September, and Butler plans to leave her three young children in England to move to the U.S. to marry him.

Butler met Mosier on writeaprisoner.com. According to his profile, he was sentenced to 15 years for a violent burglary and drug charges.

British mom of 3 young kids will leave family for U.S. prisoner she met online, on NYDailyNews.com.

Butler saved up enough money to travel 5,000 miles to visit Mosier. When she got to Minnesota, he had been in a fight with another prisoner and lost his visiting privileges. They had to talk through a glass window.

Still, Butler keeps the faith.

“Chris is a wonderful man,” Butler says, according to the New York Daily News. “Sure, he made a few mistakes in the past, but everybody deserves a second chance.”

Overlooking the criminality

All of these guys are convicted criminals, and we’re not talking frat boy pranks or drug court. These guys were arrested for gang activity, burglary and murder.

Why are the women willing to overlook such obvious criminality and fall in love with them?

For most of the women who think Meeks is hot, it may just be a goof. After all, clicking the Facebook like button is not really getting involved with him. Some women, however, sent money for his legal defense.

And the women marrying Van der Sloot and Mosier — I’m sure they are catching a lot of flack. But Van der Sloot and Mosier are probably telling them something like: “I know I messed up. But with you at my side, babe, I can be a new man. Your love will keep me strong. Your love will save me.”

The women are likely falling for those sweet words. However, I want to be cautious about criticizing, because they are exhibiting behavior that probably all of us involved with sociopaths know too well:

They are believing what they want to believe.

Our mind in love

I’m always amazed by the degree to which the love we feel is in our own minds.

When we fall in love, we don’t just fall in love with a person. We also fall in love with an idea, a promise, and a dream of the future. Someone comes along who appears to match our vision, and we believe we’ve found the person we’ve been looking for.

Another key component of our love is our concept of ourselves. We may believe that we’re compassionate, nonjudgmental, supportive and forgiving. This is central to our being, and the way we want to live. We turn our beliefs into reality through the individual that we choose as a romantic partner.

Beliefs and dreams

Sociopaths know this about human nature, either overtly or instinctively. They use our desire to believe what we want to believe in order to exploit us.

That’s why they ask us questions and listen carefully to our answers. That’s why they study us.

Sociopaths work to discover our beliefs, so they can mirror them.

Sociopaths convince us to reveal our dreams, so they can promise to make them come true.

Staying safe

So what’s the answer? How can we stay safe? How can we make ourselves not believe what we want to believe, and accept reality instead?

Perhaps the answer is to first believe in ourselves. If we believe that we deserve true, authentic love, we may be more willing to recognize that our partner isn’t really supplying that love.

And if we believed in listening to ourselves, we may be more willing to pay attention when our intuition is warning us to get away from someone.

Belief and love are totally intertwined. To stay safe, we need to be sure that what we believe in, and who we love, are real.

 



73 Comments on "Beliefs, love and sociopaths"

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  1. slimone says:

    This is a great thread. I find that ‘now’- that I know about spaths- and have avoided direct involvement with them (intimately), I am able to see red flags in people I have casual contact with, and avoid further contact. I find that the niggling feelings I had when I encountered disordered individuals, before I understood personality disorders, are easier for me to pay attention to. These feelings, senses, allow me to quietly back away from the source. If the words and actions are out of sync in someone, I disengage. I find that I am not as confused by the lie buried in an otherwise truthful statement. It seems to stand out (more) now. I find myself saying ‘no’ if someone wants me to cross even the smallest line away from my sense of integrity. I find that I speak fewer off-hand ideas for the sake of being part of the group. I stay in MY truth, much more than I used to.

    So I see that my previous ‘participation’ in toxic relationships came from an innocence that I no longer have. I am no longer NAIVE to manipulation tactics, and the subsequent feelings and reactions I have to them. I have awakened to these truths, and now the acts are evident to me. I possess something beyond innocence, that is of much greater service to me.

    There is no shame or blame in innocence. And we can be innocent for many years into our adulthoods. Lots of cultural,familial, and maybe some biological factors play into our innocence.

    Violations shatter innocence. This can lead to knowledge and awareness. Once awake to a truth, and a body of knowledge, we have personal power. Power we didn’t have when we were innocent.

    Violation and betrayal is not pleasant or good…but if we can make it far enough along our healing path to arrive at knowledge and awareness we have arrived at a good place. There is NO blame or shame in this journey.

    Slim



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  2. janedoe says:

    Thanks jan7
    You mentioned when we get ready to leave they do the love bombing..but it was him who told me I meant the world to him and nobody ever has been as special as me blah blah but he is leavin me for someone else and doesn’t know if he is making the proper decision. Yet he packed himself up and moved to another country two weeks ago. Told me he still wanted me but had to do this move. I haven’t heard since. I wrote one time with no response so I stopped writing. But he ended things with me…how does that connect to sociopathic behavior and the love bombing? I’m back and forth with this in my head an am trying to convince myself he is in fact poison!



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    • Jan7 says:

      Janedoe, yes he still loved bombed you with his words before he left you by saying he does not know if he is making the “proper decision”, he did this to keep you hooked just incase his new victim sees his mask slip and dumps him for his abusive ways. Sociopaths always go back to their past victims because past victims will take them back and accept their abusive ways so they keep the past victims on the hook.

      This is why it is so important to follow the no contact rule, it is also important to follow that rule so that you break the strong emotional bond that the sociopath has over you. You are addicted to this guy just like someone who is addicted to drugs/alcohol. This guy conditioned to expect “sweet” words even though he treats you horrible the bulk of the time. The “sweet”words are your addiction source, you crave them and will wade through his abusive ways to get his “sweet words”.

      I would highly recommend that you find a counselor who is extremely knowledge with narcissist abuse and go. (your local abuse center may have a recommendation)

      This guy is beyond poison he is down right dangerous for your mental, emotional and physical well being. PLEASE go up to the top of lovefraud and watch all the videos and read everything at under each and every tab up there over and over until your mind opens up to the truth that this guy is a sociopath or a con artist.



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  3. janedoe says:

    Thanks jan7 your words alone makes much sense. I’m trying to get to the links you suggested. I’m on an iPhone and I don’t think I see where the videos are. I see a “navigate” button an under that I see blogs…do I choose from there?
    I’m sorry i am new to this site and not sure what is what yet..



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    • Jan7 says:

      no worries….if you look at the very top of this site you will see a long red bar that goes from the right side all the way to the very left side under that there is a gray bar that does the same thing.

      on the red bar you will see the words “home”. “Beware of socipaths”. “Are you a target” “Videos” etc etc then the gray bar has tabs “Blog”. “author”. “cases” etc etc….

      Click on each of those words then you will see a drop down menu with each…read everything up in that section of Lovefraud and then as you move across the red bar you will see “video” click on that then you will see about 10 to 12 videos that Donna has made.. watch each video.

      All of this will help you to open your mind up to his manipulation tactics. Keep reading everything at the top over and over to get it to sink into your mind it will help you to dump this evil guy once and for good.



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  4. IMTMR74 says:

    Haven’t been on here in awhile but this topic is hitting close to home for me right now.

    Janedoe, sounds like you are in the discard phase of the 3 Ds Paths use when they are moving on from the last victim to the next. Devalue, Dismiss and Discard. Google for more info and read, read, read everything that Jan7 and others have suggested to you. Please stop fixating on his new victim and realize she is the latest in a string of probably many, many women (he is 60) that he has done this to and gotten wrapped into the deception. He only told you about her to ignite insecurity in you and get you fixated and focused on HER instead of all the gaslighting and confusion, plus evasive behaviors, that you’ve described he exhibits. I agree with everyone else that you go NO CONTACT with him to cut off the emotional ties and give yourself a chance to let the fog clear. You can heal and move on but you have to stop believing in a lie that you will somehow ever be in a healthy and happy relationship with him. Start meditating and saying positive affirmations again and again, so you know you are worth more than what you’ve gotten from him. Love is not hurtful and deceptive in this way.

    My ex H was also a victim of sexual abuse by a psychopathic stepfather who is very similar to Jerry Sandusky, as he had the trust and faith of many mothers to mentor their boys. All of them have gone to jail, committed suicide or have an extreme substance abuse problem. He has never been caught for what he did and is still controlling the lives of many, many people around him. I fell for the pity play (which you can also Google) when I first met my ex because of my own need to repress my own sexual abuse. For years, I suggested therapy and bought books to try and help him with his issues stemming from the abuse, ignoring my own. My projections were constant and didn’t help him get help. If anything, they pushed him away because he didn’t want the help. My point is this man you are involved with will only face his past issues when and if he’s ready. You can’t do it for him and you can’t be his therapist and his lover.

    My current crises with love and belief systems around disordered individuals involves my DD . It’s crazy but she isco-dependently involved with very controlling and narcissistic boy. My DD has virtually ignored all of my pleas and demands for her to back away from her teen BF who consistently creates chaos and drama in her life. His divorced parents know he’s a problem but they are too busy fighting with one another to help him take responsibility for his actions. He and his mom have a very weird, co-dependent relationship that my DD has even commented on but his constant lovebombing keeps her from seeing it as a red flag. She says he acts like he can’t stand his mom, which we all know is also a red flag.

    Main issue with this kid is he is always crossing boundaries I have enforced as a single mom. When they were forbidden by me and his parents to date last year after ANOTHER incident of him crossing a boundary (hounding her when she was on a school trip, calling her drunk and checking her flights on the web to see if she landed and why hadn’t she texted him yet. I saw all of the texts and told him he was creating anxiety for my DD. Dad said I was out of line to approach his son, so I said fine tell your son to leave my DD alone.) they hooked up in both of our houses. I found out by innocently looking over DD’s shoulder one night and seeing sexual photos on a Tumblr page. I was devastated bc me and DD are very close and I had no idea she was still so involved with him. They are both the stars of their drama dept in high school and obviously skilled actors. Both his parents and I were shocked when I revealed that had been sleeping together or 7 months.

    Now, I know my daughter is head over heels because he is her first everything… kiss, bf, lover. She has graduated and we all allowed them to go to prom together bc I was using the tactic to keep your enemies close and really try to see what is going on with this boy. There are too many instances of how he has created problems for her to write here but the last one involved a huge scandal with her beloved drama teacher who now hates my daughter and barely looked at her at the awards ceremony. Trust me when I tell you my DD was not culpable but who do you think was also at the center of the drama- yep, her bf. Supposedly, my DD and another star student betrayed the teacher (who also seems either bipolar or highly disordered after this crazy situation) by not choosing her bf and another girl for the leadership positions next year. I directly asked the bf if he wanted the role waaay before that happened and he told me no. In my last convo with the teacher she said he did want it and was hurt that my DD didn’t choose him. He is always the common denominator in any problem my DD rarely has with anyone, including an ex-friend he befriended via social media.

    I’m at my wit’s end even though she’s going to a university far away. I feel like he’s going to stalk her to keep that bond. My DD is very sweet and even a little shy when not on stage. She feels so connected to him and blew up at me yesterday when I suggested she let that go and focus on starting college. I took her phone away as discipline for something and that kid had the nerve to text ME at 10 pm asking if she’s okay because he was away at a camp and hadn’t heard from her all day. He wasn’t even respectful and just sent “Is she okay?” like he’s talking to peer or something. He knows my DD is with her family so what could he do anyway so far away? Constant lovebombing and saying how perfect she is and how lucky he is to have her every single day just to keep her hooked. I’m pissed but my DD thinks I don’t like him for other reasons. I am going to sit her down and show her lovefraud videos and the gaslighting questionnaire.

    It’s so hard as a mom to see my DD get duped like this by a teen who I know is very close to being abusive. He even admitted to me he gets very angry and doesn’t know how to calm down. During a lunch, he looked right at me with steely blue eyes and said “but I would never hit her or anything.” DD just sat quiet and I was shocked until I said of course not or I would call the police and you would face consequences. He didn’t flinch. My DD said he was nervous and I intimidated him. Didn’t feel like, and, in fact, I feel like he acts too casual toward me(dismissive) like he is a man and I’m just a single mom with no power. I wish I had a guy friend or family member to talk to him but I don’t.

    DD’s dad died 6 years ago and I suspect this is why she is so attracted to this aggressive and take-charge personality in this boy. He has lots of girls swarming around him and even D admitted this gets under her skin. I asked her why doesn’t she just call or get all of the girls together and ask if he is involved with them but she even admits they may lie for him!!! That’s the power he holds over these people in his world. I may seem overbearing and protective but I’ve been through hell and back with a P father, currently in prison for LWOP, and my aforementioned ex H. I pray and trust God removes this kid from our lives with minimal fall out.



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    • janedoe says:

      IMTMR74

      Yeh that’s some story and its
      Sad when it happens to our children more so than us. With us we see no reasoning and need others to point out what’s happening to us and we arent thinking straight until it just suddenly hits us one day and we wake up, but when it’s our children we are wise enough to notice this unnatural behavior in their peers.
      That bf is in every negative situation that your daughter is involved in? That clearly is a sign that he must be the mastermind of all the negativity that happens
      Being her first bf she is blinded by love and doesn’t see the negative side. But by what you’re saying she already has a few “gut feelings” that will stay in the back
      Of her mind for now and will resurface when something between them gets really bad. Those gut feelings will pop up and in her mind she may connect them to what she sees happening in another episode down the road. It may take time because she’s young and isn’t experienced but it sure
      Will be a great learning experience for her down the road. And not that these relationships shd happen to anyone but thankfully she is young enough and will learn and has people to guide her for the future. As we get older we don’t use
      The guidance as much as we should because we are adults and sometimes can be more work to get over someone…
      It’s tough but it helps listening to others unfortunate stories to help us
      Get perspective on things
      As far as me and this man I have had no contact since right up to the time her boarded his plane to see her..and that was filled with promises to me. I waited and never heard once he got there…I emailed one time a week after he got there and asked what was going on (I hadn’t come to the factThat he was sociopathic at this point). He never responded and though I have an email just waiting to be sent to him I have it here and have not sent it. So as of now it’s been two weeks no contact. Now this is a man who responded within half hour of sending him a message over the past three years…he would never leave anyone dangling or unanswered so by him
      Not responding to my message after a week of him being there, tells me “something is up” and all my gut feelings from the past started resurfacing and I am
      Now trying to get a hold on things
      I think for me it’s better I don’t send the second message, he probably wonders why I have only sent the one, because normally I would have absolutely sent one or two more on his whereabouts at this point..anyone would. Besides I don’t think it may be wise to feed him with questions giving him more opportunity to
      Lie, which is probably what he is waiting for

      I hope things work out
      For your daughter sooner than later



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      • dorothy2 says:

        janedoe, the truth of the matter for you or anyone else at this stage is this,,,,,you will end up either chasing him away or leaving. I don’t mean Chasing him away in the way it would normally be used but he has set the stage for you to become increasingly confused and insecure and often clingy. They LOVE to be chased by the woman they have devalued and are in the process of discarding. The set it up that way and it is truly sick. They will give you just enough rope to hang yourself and just enough false hope to keep you fixated on them and when they are not doing that, they will continually pull the rug out from under your hopeful little feet. picture a YoYo and you will understand.
        It sounds like this guy is playing with you like a cat plays with a fatally wounded mouse, still batting it to see if it’s alive.
        Please start to pull yourself back if you can and go no contact. Initiate nothing and watch what happens. If you no longer play the game piece he wants you to, he will get bored with the game and move on to a new target.



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        • janedoe says:

          He left two weeks ago, I contacted him after one week and heard nothing from him…I haven’t written back yet and he knows me better and thinks “why hasn’t she written each day to ask what’s up”
          So it’s actually been two weeks no speaking and one week NC on my part



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          • dorothy2 says:

            well hang in there Janedoe…..just knuckle down. It sucks, no way around it though. Good for you on the NC, VERY good. You must know that if he care about you the real way a MAN in love cares about a woman, this whole story would not be the one you have told us.

    • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

      Dear IMTMR74
      You do know that statement “but I would never hit her or anything” is what poker players call a “tell”. Nobody says such a statement if it were true. They only say it as a LIE.

      He has HIT her. I guarantee it.

      She may be going far away to university but I also guarantee he is going to have even more control over her because you won’t be there to interfere with him.

      What you write is a serious situation. I believe in God but prayers and trust will not be enough. You must seek help, education, assistance from a teen abuse center, or specialist in this area. Otherwise, she is alone and abandoned to be completely controlled and severely abused by a sociopath predator.



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  5. janedoe says:

    Ugh yeh I know what you mean.
    People thought it so strange when I would talk about my new love…they would ask me things like “he is already saying I love you after one week? And you haven’t even met in person yet?”
    Ha funny because that was my very first gut feeling I thought was weird but pushed it aside. So if I’m thinking something is weird in my mind and friends are noticing it and saying its weird…I should have connected the two
    When he told me after meeting his younger woman/wife that he was in love with her and told her after one week I said to him “you are so stupid how do you even know after one week you love her and want to have her baby?” Omg all this coming from someone 10 years older than myself and someone who should have had more
    Wisdom…the things he was telling me were the exact same things he said to me at the beginning but I fell for it too…I just hope now that he lives with her family they can figure him out..I doubt it if they’ve already accepted him into their home he’s most probably fooled them too…



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