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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Life with a sociopath ends in death

sad and stressed womanEditor’s note: Following is sad news from the Lovefraud reader “Hoping to Heal.”

Several years ago, I was introduced to a young vivacious couple. Both were very attractive and successful. They were charming and fun to be around. Both had lots of energy and seemed to be enjoying life to its fullest. They seemed to adore one another.

While I’d never met the man before, he did have a reputation of being a real Ladies Man. He had been married before and had many relationships that he left abruptly. But, he had it All … good looks, charisma and a good job, and women were beating his door down. At the time I met this couple, I assumed he had “grown up” and gotten his act together. They looked like the perfect couple.

In no time, they had purchased a new home and began huge renovations. It was also shortly later that a rumor arose that he was seeing someone else. The marriage went through a rocky time but seemed to bounce back.

Later, she was different

However, a few years later when I saw them, nothing was the same. He was still the charming, good-looking flirt, but she was different. Her demeanor was more sullen, her eyes didn’t shine and her confidence had lessened. Life was taking a toll on her. She still put on a good front, but everything felt odd about her.

I didn’t know anything about sociopathic behavior but I did know that the husband was a cad. He never failed to touch other women in the small of their back when guiding them through a door, or to catch their eye when he was supposed to be engrossed in a conversation with someone else. Rhett Butler comes to mind.

As the years went on, there were reportedly affairs on both of their parts, but she could never regain the attention from him that she once enjoyed. He had Love Bombed and seduced her, and then devalued her. She stayed for years but finally they split up.

The end

Yesterday, their divorce was final. Yesterday, at not even 40 years old, she took her own life.

My heart is broken because I remember the beautiful, happy woman she was. She had everything going for her. I can’t image the pain of her heart to not be able to go on.

I can imagine

But wait, I can imagine it. I’m sure he had let her go and then Hoovered her back in, many, many times. I bet he left and then talked himself back in. I’m sure he gas-lighted her and messed with her head. Obviously, she lost her hope and any view of a life without him. I’m sure she suffered greatly. I can relate.

I so wish that every victim had a support system and could understand what they are dealing with. I wish that everyone who does understand would quit playing the game. It’s a game that will never be won by anyone but the abuser. They have no conscience and no amount of abuse is enough.

God bless that sweet girls soul. God’s speed to her in finally having peace.

 



66 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Life with a sociopath ends in death"

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  1. Barb says:

    The poor woman who committed suicide. I almost did after high school due to the sociopath in my life. And I have had to carry her around with me ever since. I am 63 yo now, and it is bubbling to the surface again. One thing I know…I am far tougher than her and that is one of the things she could not stand.

    About the sociopath husband: I am not sure why you compared him to Rhett Butler. Rhett was so in love with Scarlett (real love) and she always came across as a sociopath herself. This man you compare him to never loved in his life.

    And the word ‘hoovering’! I worked with a guy who sounds just like your depiction of her husband. Married once, constantly eyeballing women, and a lot of love affairs. The street he lives on is
    Hoover Street, Dracut, MA (no word of lie!)



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  2. Bobbie says:

    This is a tragic and all too common story. Psychopaths affect not only their target, but those who see and feel their destructive behaviour.

    To anyone considering suicide – don’t do it!!!! The psychopath will not feel sorry or guilty. They may feel proud, pleased, and superior. You will just be playing into their dance of destruction.

    A more positive reason for not doing it – you are not the sum of what they tried to make you. You are going through a bad patch, but you are bigger and better than they want you to think. You will show them that their plan has failed by becoming better and stronger for the experience.



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    • Bobbie says:

      P.S. My psychopath has been dead since October 1998 and can no longer harm me or anyone else. He changed my life in many ways, and I would not want to repeat the exercise.

      Now, at this distance, I have found positives from the experience – the main one being able to understand (and hopefully help) others who are going through this trauma.

      Never give up – this too will pass.



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  3. jm_short says:

    Well said Bobbie!

    I’d go the next step in projecting how a psychopath would interpret the suicide of their victim, “See, I told you (s)he’s crazy!” Nothing will compel them to care or take responsibility, including driving their victim to total despondency and over the edge.

    It is so painful to recognize that there is absolutely nothing one can do to either get justice or get validation. But once a victim can embrace that concept, they can release their pain and let it go. It is contrary to the expectation of anyone with empathy, because we think in terms of fairness and caring. We address relationships with the concept that communication resolves differences. It’s not until we can comprehend that a “Cluster B” type will forever spin every rational thought you have to absolve them of wrongdoing, that you can stop trying and walk away.

    Because we are ill prepared to recognize or comprehend the mindset of an emotional predator, we heap blame and shame on ourselves and struggle along without the normal closure that exists in rational relationships. Without that closure, there is no definitive “end” except the boundary one creates upon recognition of reality.

    People who feel suicidal are often struggling in the fiction of what they believed the relationship was. Their loss and grief is no different than the death of a loved one, except when someone dies, we know it is an end. It’s finite. There is absolutely no way to recoup that loss. In the death of the relationship to the predator, the predator lives on and is simply out there in a different space, and probably attempting to discredit your knowledge of them so they can move along. Dead people don’t try to discredit you. It is an excruciating “double whammy” to lose the relationship you thought you had as well as living with the defamation and discredit from one you held so dear.

    It bears repeating that the death of the relationship with a predator has no specific end, except the one WE give it ourselves once we can grasp that it never really existed the way we knew it, but only in OUR mind. They don’t love, they only want and need. If they loved you, they would not have betrayed or used you. They would not have lied to you. They NEVER felt love, it was a sham. You were the only one in the relationship that felt LOVE as you knew it to be. What you received from them was falsehood.

    And as an aside, I have a favorite expression that I’ve paraphrased about my ex. I don’t want to kill him, but I’d love to read his obituary!

    Wishing everyone strength who is struggling through the painful process of separation. Being a victim of a predator is not who you are, it’s what happened to you. You are still you, only wiser! And you need to rebuild your self esteem to get your life back on track. You can do it! And all of us here on this site are in your corner. Whenever anyone feels suicidal, please reach out to us. We’ve all been there and are here for you! We value you, even when you have difficulty valuing yourself. Please let us help you.

    Joyce



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    • Bobbie says:

      Joyce – I love your “favourite expression” – how honest!

      My psychopath wrote his own funeral programme with a photo labelled “Mr Personality” and lots of “high brow” readings/poetry. Lots of women attended and my husband remarked “I bet most of them are here to make sure that he has really gone”. Later, we saw a huge puff of black smoke issue from the crematorium chimney and both remarked in unison along the lines “there goes …. still causing trouble”.

      Shortly before he died, he wrote a letter to me and my (now late) husband – telling us not to talk to anyone about what he had done to me/us. That didn’t work as I wrote back saying it wouldn’t stop us telling people the truth if asked. I wasn’t going to let him control me from beyond the grave!



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    • AnnettePK says:

      I also love the concept, “don’t want to kill him, but I’d love to read his obituary”!!

      A couple of years ago after one of his frequent discards, I went to one of the ‘tombstone generator’ sites and created and printed a photo of a tombstone with his name, date of birth and the date of death as the last time he’d left, and tacked it up on the fridge in the kitchen. I really enjoyed looking at it, it was relaxing and satisfying and provided some comic relief.
      I let him come back at some point after that, and I’d forgotten to take the tombstone down, and he saw it. I quietly apologized and threw it in the trash, he said nothing, and it was a priceless moment. I was starting to take him less seriously by this time, and he left for good shortly after that.

      We used to Skype often when he left, and at some point I renamed his contact as ‘Psychopath’ which he somehow saw during a Skype conversation. Again, I said nothing when he commented on it, but it was another moment of comic relief.



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    • lindsey says:

      I’m so elated to have come across this site, for months I’ve wondered is it me, what is wrong with the man I married a year ago. We grew up together & graduated high school together. He came into my life when I had just lost my mother whom I cared for, for 2 years, she was completely bed written. He was there to support me emotionally after loosing her. I now think that he asked me to marry him because of my financial gain, he has nickled and dimed me to pieces, however; I have managed not to let him know everything about my finances. As stated we have been married for 1 year now and I don’t recognize the person I’m now married to. I asked him what happened to that wonderful, caring, compassionate man I married and his response to me was ” I sent him away, he does not exist”… Wow!!! was all I could think. My life has been in turmoil since 1 month of being married to him. The first month was ok but I started seeing things that were not there prior to us getting married. He has an addiction to pornography, I have also discovered numerous calls on the cell phone bill to sex chat lines, he asked me to partake in a threesome and also asked that I perform certain sex acts that I find very offensive. He has totally distanced himself from me. He does not show any genuine concern for me or anything about our life. If it does not revolve around him or what he wants its pretty much a moot point. What confuses me is that he’s very active at our church and everyone loves him, they think I have the best husband on the planet. If I would tell any of them the nightmare that I live they would think that its me. He drinks heavily, I have plenty of reasons to believe he has cheated on more than one occasion. I have confronted him regarding these things but he finds a way to flip it on me and NEVER take ownership for any thing that I have found. He says that I’m always trying to start an argument with him. He’s never apologetic about anything… NEVER!!! I’m concerned because he has a son by his first marriage and a daughter by a previous relationship, he seems to adore his son but his daughter he rarely try to spend time with or see. It seems to me that he Loves the son more than his daughter, are sociopaths capable of loving anyone or anything? My husband has a very abusive attitude, emotionally & verbally… this is my daily battle. We are now separated for the past 10 days… I just could not take anymore – he calls almost daily trying to be nice but I know that this is a con to come back home. I have 2 very good friends that tells me to RUN!!! and don’t look back .. at all – I want my marriage but not the person I’m married to … I never thought I would find myself in this position in life. I’m a very strong person, I’m the youngest of 6 children, I find myself staying away from my siblings because I don’t want them to see that something is wrong. I don’t believe in divorce but in this case… Divorce may save my life..



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      • downwitfakerastas says:

        on the whole church thing, I can tell you that my spath hid behind dreadlocks and the pretend lifestyle of rasta. He used to always have these semi quasi life teachings that used to touch me but did he live by any of them…NO!!!! He was so fake, I just found out he had a fiance, was using her for money(we talked on the phone), constantly lied to the point our whole relationship was one big lie, he had that stare, and he totally love bombed me hard! There is findings that they hide behind a religious aura to make themselves seem like they are out to do good and have morals, but this is all just an act. I also hated when everyone who met him a couple times told me how much they loved him, but behind closed doors I knew his true colors(which weren’t red, yellow or green) after the honeymoon period/love bombing period ended.

        Your gut told you to split from him 10 days ago, from my experience, I always choose not to listen to my instinct and allow their excuses to be valid….with my recent spath, I always blamed it on him being Jamaican and it being a cultural thing, but not the case at all since I recently found out. Good luck and hold strong, trust yourself!



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      • HopingToHeal says:

        Welcome Lindsey,
        I’m so sorry to hear your story. It sounds really bad.

        First off, let me tell you that the LoveFraud family is or has been exactly where you are. You are going to learn very important things here and get excellent advise.

        Your husband sounds like he has a pretty severe personality disorder. Cluster B personality disorders portray themselves in characteristics like you have described. Have you read Donna’s post – http://www.lovefraud.com/beware-the-sociopath/whats-a-sociopath/.?

        I agree with your friends….RUN! But be very safe. Leaving a disordered person can be dangerous. Please read http://www.lovefraud.com/are-you-a-target/leaving-a-sociopath/protect-yourself/.

        I’m sure your head is spinning with all this information and your recent realization that your husband is possibly very much disordered. They are masters at manipulation and Church is one of their favorite things to hide behind. They pull the Jesus card to create the illusion that they are good people. it’s disgusting!

        Please be safe and keep reading here and other places. Ask for suggestions for books. Donna’s LF book is great, as are many others offered here. Most importantly, pray and take care of yourself.

        I look forward to seeing how you are doing. Best wishes!



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      • lindsey – welcome to Lovefraud. The guy is a complete sociopath. Get out of the marriage. Yes, he targeted you – you were vulnerable, and he probably thought you’d get an inheritance that he could squander.

        Do not go back, no matter how much he pleads.

        I’ve spoken to many targets who said their sociopathic partners were active in church – born again Christian – could quote Scripture – believe me, it is all an act.



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      • Bobbie says:

        Yes – run! It will not get better.

        If you keep returning to the relationship, you will not be taken seriously by friends and the courts.

        Here in Australia, if you stay too long in a relationship, it is assumed by many people (and sometimes courts) that it is not a serious matter. The courts may say (if you leave soon) that you get back everything you went into the relationship with, whereas, if you wait longer, it may be split 50/50 even if he has not contributed 50%.

        Don’t get pregnant, keep detailed records and photos in a safe place away from the home, plan your escape carefully – and get out soon.



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      • LisaH says:

        All I can say is please, please, PLEASE GET OUT NOW! I lost 28 years of my life to someone exactly like this. I can never get those years back and recovery has been torturous, not to mention very expensive as I defend myself over and over against fake legal filings. You are not married to who you thought you were. He has shown who he is and YOU CAN’T FIX OR CHANGE HIM. I stayed for all the “right” reasons, including the fact that I thought God would be disappointed in me. My therapist, a trained minister, finally said to me, “If Jesus Himself were sitting here today, do you think he would tell you He wants you to suffer at the hands of this person for the rest of your life?” That sunk in.



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      • Bets says:

        Lindsey – You are getting some great advise here. Take it from people who have literally had the same relationship and survived – RUN! We all wish we had left earlier than we did. We all had many reasons for staying rather than leaving. We all overruled our gut instincts. Your gut is telling you something very important. It’s telling you that this guy you are in a relationship with a facade. He looked good on the surface, but as you have spent more and more time with him you are finding that he isn’t who you thought he was. Listen to your gut!

        Truth is, he will never be the guy you thought he was. He isn’t capable of sustaining that facade for long… long enough to hook you, but not long enough to weather the years. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. The more enmeshed you become with him the more problems, issues, disappointments, perversions, etc., etc., you will experience. The longer you stay, the more isolated from family and friends you will become. Take it from people who have had the same experience.

        No one should have to have these experiences. I have as have others on this site. Each and every one of us feels for you in a way that you won’t understand for a while. We all want you to live a safe, healthy, happy life. You deserve it.

        So do us all a favor… get or make copies of all the paperwork you would need if a hurricane took your house away. Financial documents, social security numbers, previous tax papers, drivers license numbers, medical information, deeds, automotive paperwork, bills, credit card statements, photos, legal documents – get it all.

        When you leave go to the utilities, call all of your credit holders to get everything in your name stopped where he is concerned. I wish I had cut off the telephone on my ex who managed to run up a $600.00 bill trying to convince me to come back as well as the credit cards and other utility bills he managed to run up and run out on. If nothing else establish the day that you are no longer responsible for his bills. Go get an attorney and file papers. Think of it as ripping off a band aid. It hurts less when you do it quickly!

        There are plenty of people here who can tell you all kinds of horror stories we suffered because we didn’t listen to that little voice that said “GO NOW!” The main thing is for you to stay safe. Remember, he will probably do and say anything to get you back. Most women do go back. What they find is that the honeymoon is short lived and the bad behaviors just increase.

        There are women’s shelters that can help you. Call or go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website for more advise on staying safe. 1-800-799-7233 is the number.

        You deserve to be safe. You deserve to not live with someone who makes you feel less than you are or forces things that you are not comfortable with on you. You deserve happiness. I pray for you.



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        • lindsey says:

          Thanks to all who have read my post and responded. You all don’t know how much it really mean to me that you care, I now know that I’m not alone in this nightmare I’ve been living for the past year. This past weekend I made copies of everything that I thought I would need from bank statements to the marriage certificate. I closed 2 credit card accounts in which he had access to and requested a new ATM bank card with new PIN number. He’s been calling but I will no ANSWER him. I have notified security at my job if he shows up not to allow him in my work area. I don’t think he’s violent but you never know what a desperate person is capable of. The locks at home are all changed and the alarm code. I’m happy that we don’t have any kids together to bring into this situation. My plans are to move forward with DIVORCE and I think he will be fine with that. I do think that he has found his next victim. All I can do is pray for this person because like me I know she does not know what she’s getting. He’s completely EVIL!!! in all aspects of the word. I’m trying to figure out now how to get my life back on track, in some ways I feel as if I’ve lost an entire year of life and being happy like I once had. Even though I took care of my bed written mom for 2 years, there was still JOY in my life because she and I were able to share so many memories of my childhood and what she wanted for me the rest of my life. She knew she was dying so she wanted to be sure I understood how precious life is and not to take anything or anyone for granted, she made me promise her 2weeks before she passed to be as happy as I possibly could and live with no regrets. I can now say I’ve kept my promise to my mom because I’m looking forward to being happy and I know that I will be. Each day is getting brighter. I am seeking counseling for the emotional abuse I’ve suffered. I’m proud of myself for standing up to him and not allowing him to have complete CONTROL over me; and when I say complete control I simply mean that I did not “believe” the things he would say to me such as you are “crazy, or one morning he said ” I think you are Bi-polar”… and I went to the bathroom and got a mirror and placed in front of him and asked him to look in it and repeat what he just said to me… of course, he wouldn’t… I learned to flip things back on him and he did not like it one bit. Once I realized, what his game was.. I felt I was in control but also knew that I have to get away from him because this will only get worse, not better and I had to realize that I could not change him. I will stand firm and will not communicate with him at all until I have to and even then, I will have my attorney to contact him. Please continue to keep me in prayer through this journey, but I know that this to shall pass. God Bless You All …



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      • stronginthecity says:

        lindsey,
        Thank you for sharing your story.
        It sounds as if your husband took advantage of you when you were vuleranble and now you are seeing his true self.
        I hope you are ok and staying away from him.
        I am wondering if you dont mind telling us how did you find your way here to Lovefraud? ( So happy you did)
        Stronginthecity



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    • Southerngirl66 says:

      Thank you Joyce…I was just in this place yesterday. Thank God for my friends. In the midst of my confusion I thought about my family and how they wouldn’t understand and when my grandchildren grew up they would have to tell them, “your granny killed herself.” Thought about that really hard. Then I was like he would continue on being his asshole-ish self deceiving and ruining the next woman’s life. I feel soooo sorry for whomever that is and I wish I could just warn her.

      So many ppl told me before getting involved that they felt something wasn’t right about him, but I didn’t listen. I was vulnerable and he saw it…was talking about sex the first night we talked, but I just blew him off. What a fool I was.

      But anyway, thank you Joyce, thank you for your kind and uplifting words, they mean a whole lot right now 🙂



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  4. downwitfakerastas says:

    This story saddens me, and all of us that dated or married one can relate. My spath and me were in and out of the relationships three times in almost a year. I tried hard to get rid of him during the middle of it, but he sought me out, found me and wooed his way back in. He also liked to keep a couple things at my apartment so that he had a way of seeing me and using those things to talk to me. I would threaten that if he didn’t come get them that I would put them on the curb then he would threaten that he would seek legal action. One time I packed his stuff, he came over and then tried to talk me back in and when I said no he left without his stuff. It was a never ending cycle. I can only be happy that I never gave him any money, but worse he got my heart. I feel sorry for his fiance that called me 4 days ago and we learned the truth together, she spent a lot of money on him and 3 yrs. I am a teacher and I am beginning to think they should teach about spath behaviors in relationships in health class. He drew so much on my loneliness after loosing my baby at 8 months. He knew this very early on and he took full advantage of it, he made claims that he wanted a baby with me after several weeks of knowing him and said I love you too, I was swept off my feet and just wanting a chance to have the opportunity of getting pregnant again. Now all I have is disgust for him and depression in myself for going on with him for a year when I knew there was something off. What a waste of a man….
    These four days have been hell, it’s not even that I miss him or still feel love for him because I knew I wasn’t happy, but Im mourning that evil people exist in this world like this. These four days are also hell because I keep nit picking everything and realizing that it was all lie, every word that came out of his mouth. Just writing about the baby part, I realized that he would keep pressuring us to keep trying, now I realize that was his way to keep me around and forever bound to him, sick so sick! Did anyone else experience the agonizing of going over all the details and signs that you can’t stop!



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    • AnnettePK says:

      They are so crazy and mean to us in such underhanded subtle and hypocritical ways, that I think everyone ends up thinking and thinking about what happened and trying to figure it all out. Their behavior is crazy-making.



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      • downwitfakerastas says:

        Thanks Annette, I think writing tonight is helping me to get it all out and rather than talking about it this just releases it by writing it, Im finding the more I read the signs the more it depresses me, so I am going to take myself to bed, hopefully I can sleep now after all this research.



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    • HopingToHeal says:

      Downwitfakers,
      How are you making it? I’m so sorry to hear your story. I hope it’s getting better as you work to move forward..

      I was like you and thought about it all the time. Joyce is right about it being an addiction, it grabs you and forces you to acknowledge it. I found that once I separated from my husband, I swapped my addiction from him, to pondering about him and our marriage. I have to say that the constant circle of thoughts was just as destructive as was our relationship. I was only able to break free with antidepressants and distractions.

      Glad to hear that you are spending time with friends. You are making the choice to get better and that is awesome. I found that I would get stronger for several days, but then regress a bit. Don’t lose confidence if this happens. Donna always cautions that recovery is not a linear journey. It’s usually three steps forward and one step back. Forward is the key.:)

      I’m sending you best wishes as you heal.



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      • downwitfakerastas says:

        Yes, Im making out better but definitely see the pattern of moving a few steps forward and then one back. Last night I went to meet a friend at a concert I haven’t seen in awhile, a little anxiety set in and wandered if I would see her or be holding out all night by myself. Then I started thinking about him as I drove and how I wish I had him to go with me and have a fun night, I knew this was wrong, but I replayed the fun times we had….so just like an addiction…I almost cried but held my composure and had a great time last night without him and reconnecting with my friend. Ahhhh, the battles we create in our minds….



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    • Southerngirl66 says:

      Girl this is me RIGHT NOW!!!! I have been sitting back analyzing the whole relationship…and I’ve been writing things down too. I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it and I keep asking myself why, why, why???? He was so fucking slick and old at that. 60 years old still running up behind women. Just like you, he never asked me for anything financially, use to give me things ALL the time..he took care of me, I think that’s why I’m having such a hard time accepting that he has a disorder (a nice way of saying it).

      I still haven’t accepted it…I reached out to him on yesterday, still not believing and I asked him how could you spend all this time with me and not even have any feelings, everything with us was a lie. His crusty ass, texts back and says, “I’ve gone over this with you and you have the right to think it was a lie, I’m done talking about it”…dead silence after that. I was LIVID…livid because I even let the motherfucker know I was thinking about him. Then I was like the fucking nerve of you after what you’ve done to me. I hate him!!!!!!!! wish his limp dick would fall off. LOL

      BUT I feel JUST like you…I wasn’t even happy in the relationship, but damn I hurt…I hurt like hell and I’m praying, praying hard for the good Lord to have mercy on me and remove these feelings from me so, I can be happy again and be myself. We will be okay…I’m going to keep saying this over and over and remember, “this too shall pass”



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      • Bobbie says:

        It may help to reduce your anger if you try this. Find a photo of him, fasten it to a punching bag, pillow, hay bale (or something similar). Punch it until you are exhausted. Do this every time you feel the anger is likely to become destructive to you.

        Keep repeating – “He is out of my life”. “He is of no consequence to me”. “I WILL be ok”.

        Not only will you feel better, but you will build up some great muscles.



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  5. jm_short says:

    Dear Down-

    In answer to your question about nit-picking the past and going over and over it in your mind…… yes, we’ve all been there, we’ve all done that.

    And we’ve all had to grapple with the new awareness that people can be “just plain evil.”

    When you separate from an emotional predator, your brain chemistry goes through a time of withdrawal, just like any other addiction you attempt to rid yourself of. The addiction of romantic love is tricky to release from because we don’t recognize that what we feel is actually an addiction.

    If we were addicted to drugs or alcohol, we’d know it. Instead, we’re addicted to the brain chemistry that being “in love” created. Love is one of the most powerful addictions of all!

    We’d surely recognize the cravings of drug withdrawal and understand how they continuously pop up in our brain. We don’t recognize the cravings and constant emotional connection to a predator, that plays over and over in our brain. When you are a person with a positive response to oxytocin and a code of conduct of loyalty, it’s harder to break your brain away from the pull of thoughts over the object of your past affection.

    One way to stop that rumination is to go out and exercise when it plagues you, or engage yourself in something that makes you feel good about yourself and takes your mind off those thoughts. Anti-depressants can give you greater control over your ability to refocus your mind. If you feel you need this type of help, please seek the aid of a mental health professional rather than self-medicating.

    Don’t be hard on yourself. Give yourself some mental space and forgiveness to get through the grieving process. No matter how much you’d like him out of your thoughts, this type of rumination is part of your path toward getting back on your feet. As you become stronger, you’ll permit less and less time to his invasion of your life by getting a firmer grip over how much you’ll allow yourself to ruminate. It will happen over time.

    Joyce



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    • downwitfakerastas says:

      thanks joyce! I finally went out for a work party yesterday and some of my coworkers who know the story now were asking if I wanted to cancel, but Im glad I didn’t because it gave me some time off thinking about each lie….I feel Im obsessing over it because I want answers….but my answers I am finding are that he is sick and knowing that, has helped me to realize it is not me at all!!! This is giving me some relief, finally, I have many plans coming up to keep me busy and my African dance class this weekend that helps immensely. I can’t go on antidepressants, took me awhile to go off of them after I lost my daughter and it sucked but I do take fish oil/omega 3’s to help with my brain and mood. Ive been doubling up on those too since this all happened a week ago.



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      • aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

        GABA & L-theanine are both amino acids that help tremendously. Relora is a proprietary blend of holy basil leaf and magnolia that also is good. I take the Theanine Serene from Source Naturals (no, I do not work for them) and it has all of these supplements in one formula. I am finding it is building up in my body and im calmer during the day, altho I take it mostly to sleep at night.
        Fermented cod liver oil is a better fish oil and is the best way to get your O-3s and Vit A&D to boot. it’s very expensive but you get so much more bang for your buck. Green Pastures is the only brand I know of that makes it (no, I do not work for them either).
        Supporting yourself nutritionally is very important as you detox from the SICKNESS of the spath. It has affected you PHYSICALLY, not just mentally. Great loss weakens us so much that ppl who lose someone to death or divorce are very likely to be sick alot the first year after the loss. Our immune system is linked to our adrenals and they are just SHOT after dealing with the nightmare of the spath.
        ANY way you can decrease your stress is paramount right now. You will recover from your trauma in direct proportion to how much you can reduce your daily stress.
        Im a good example of this. I have huge stresses in my life and im having a hard time getting anywhere more in my recovery. Im stuck. You seem to have no responsibilities so I would really work on making you happy and even, yes, carefree as much as possible.
        Of course if you are in a mental crisis/emergency situation then whatever you need to get thru it and then get off the meds ASAP. But since you know the dangers of the psychiatric meds, I know you will be prudent 🙂
        I’ll just throw this out there too…these meds don’t work but a small percentage of the time. I know of a psychiatrist who does not prescribe meds anymore. She uses food and supplements exclusively. Radical, yes. Effective? She claims to be. She researches scientific studies and dialogues with colleagues and then implements her conclusions. She resolves issues, not just bandaids them.
        This is what we’re all looking for, right? RESOLUTION, not just covering up the hurt. Ridding ourselves of it, like we rid ourselves of the disordered person/ppl.
        When we get to the root and pluck it out, we are FREE to live a happy life!



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  6. jm_short says:

    Down-

    Keeping busy is one of the best things you can do to help yourself recover! As your life fills with worthwhile experiences, your thoughts of him will diminish, as long as you keep your distance,emotionally and physically!

    Wishing you all the best!

    Joyce



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  7. Bobbie says:

    One of the things I found difficult to face up to, was my pride. By that I mean, my confidence (pride in myself) was taking a battering.

    I had always considered myself a good judge of character and a confident decision maker. It hurt and was VERY hard to face reality – that I had been conned! In my thoughts, it meant that all my good previous decisions were either luck or based on a very shaky footing.

    It took a lot of strong talking to myself to convince myself that I was not a total idiot, and that he was a practised expert at the one thing he did in his life – con vulnerable women.

    If you can admit your mistake and stop trying to make it better, you will be able to walk away sore and sorry, but with your head held high.



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  8. This2ShallPass says:

    This is sad, but I completely understand what she went through & what led her there. I’m going through PTSD right now, and just started counseling. I find myself thinking suicidal thoughts on and off almost everyday–when they occurr, I continuously tell myself “I refuse to let him win any further!” Here’s a brief rundown of some of my experience with my lying, deceitful, sick ex husband…

    The monster I was married too brought an std home and lied about it for a year although I knew it came from him, I had never cheated on him. They don’t care who they sleep with, they will jeopardize your life with their risky behavior. I could never get the creep to go to the dr. to get an h.i.v test. I’ve gone regularly for my yearly test & thus far I’m fine, but after finding out that he’d lay down with anyone, I’m afraid something might come up. He’d use work to cheat, when he didn’t have a cell phone he’d use the work phone, the computers; he didn’t have a car but managed to even meet women on the city bus. He’s disgusting & im glad I divorced him. I never imagined someone could be so deceitful, evil, dishonest, sneaky, promiscuous… The list goes on! He lied about the number of kids he had; women were putting him on child support left & right, & he’d still deny the kids. Just evil!!! He couldn’t get a decent job because his focus was sex over responsibility–he’d talk to any woman in his workplace. I can only imagine the women I don’t know about! He watched porn while I was at work & would meet people on social sites & lie about having certain online social accounts. These monsters are sexually reckless! I’m a woman that isn’t prone to vaginal infections like yeast & bacterial infections. But while married to him, I kept them! Each time I took it as my body telling me he had cheated. These demons are low life scum bags that will suffer slowly for what they’ve done to us, as they’re suffering & miserable already, & can’t face their true selves from what I witnessed with my ex. He’d ball up in the closet & cry and say over and over “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I try to do right, I swear I try!” Like a demon was inside of him eating at him. I began to fear that he was mentally unstable to the point of killing us. Some days he had this craziness in his eyes, a psychotic look. My mother would say “he’s not right; something is wrong with him.” He’d go from happy to crazy within minutes, & if you noticed & said anything about it, he’d go back to pretending to be happy downplaying what his face & actions had just displayed moments before. Anyone that reads this, please FREE yourself before you end up dead from an incurable disease or get murdered by these sick individuals, or (like this story), take your own life. I feel broken, I now have to piece so much of my life back together–some days I don’t want to wake up, but I know I’ll heal. I’m now in counseling & I know things will get better. They ruin us financially, emotionally, physically, as well as spiritually.

    Once I’d go no contact (which happened on many occasions), it’s like he’d lose his mind. He’d continuously call, text, leave I love you messages–even resort to crying. I literally had to block him out of my life. I closed my email address that he would contact me through. I blocked him out of my phone (I get calls from spoofed or mysterious & blocked numbers, I don’t answer & block those too), as well as my relatives phones. Even before I had an understanding of what was happening to me, I would block him out of my life because he was so toxic! Months would go by & he’d still pursue me, knowing he had been elsewhere with other women. He’d make up sick twisted sob stories about where he’d been for however many months, even lied about being in jail, yet forget that his fb page was open & didn’t match up with his stories. When we were together & tried leaving him or when I did leave him, he’d sick me right back in with some pity party story, or tears of sorrow–the weirdest, tumultuous, most TOXIC relationship I’ve ever been in. Breaking up 2-4 times a year yet we were married. I’m glad to say that I’ve finally built up the courage & opened my eyes to what was going on enough to file for divorce. I’m free & don’t plan on looking back. They sit around & bash you to people when your gone & make everyone think your crazy etc. Then turn around as if they didn’t do anything, play the victim, get bold enough to try and rekindle with you after hurting you over and over, as if they’d done nothing!!! This is where I discovered he had no empathy. Please free yourself of an animal like this; I can’t rest assured that he or she has several other victims on the side that they’ve kept in their grip, for the day that you figure them out & finally leave them. They can NEVER be faithful or loyal. They will talk about & treat you like a dog, and praise and grin in everyone else’s face, putting on a charming facade. Run please run!!!



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  9. This2ShallPass says:

    This is sad, but I completely understand what she went through & what led her there. I’m going through PTSD right now, and just started counseling. I find myself thinking suicidal thoughts on and off almost everyday–when they occurr, I continuously tell myself “I refuse to let him win any further!” Here’s a brief rundown of some of my experience with my lying, deceitful, sick ex husband…

    The monster I was married to brought an std home and lied about it for a year although I knew it came from him, I had never cheated on him. They don’t care who they sleep with, they will jeopardize your life with their risky behavior. I could never get the creep to go to the dr. to get an h.i.v test. I’ve gone regularly for my yearly test & thus far I’m fine, but after finding out that he’d lay down with anyone, I’m afraid something might come up. He’d use work to cheat, when he didn’t have a cell phone he’d use the work phone, the computers; he didn’t have a car but managed to even meet women on the city bus. He’s disgusting & im glad I divorced him. I never imagined someone could be so deceitful, evil, dishonest, sneaky, promiscuous… The list goes on!

    He lied about the number of kids he had; women were putting him on child support left & right, & he’d still deny the kids. Just evil!!! He couldn’t get a decent job because his focus was sex over responsibility–he’d talk to any woman in his workplace. I can only imagine the women I don’t know about! He watched porn while I was at work & would meet people on social sites & lie about having certain online social accounts. These monsters are sexually reckless! I’m a woman that isn’t prone to vaginal infections like yeast & bacterial infections. But while married to him, I kept them! Each time I took it as my body telling me he had cheated. These demons are low life scum bags that will suffer slowly for what they’ve done to us, as they’re suffering & miserable already, & can’t face their true selves from what I witnessed with my ex. He’d ball up in the closet & cry and say over and over “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I try to do right, I swear I try!” Like a demon was inside of him eating at him. I began to fear that he was mentally unstable to the point of killing us.

    Some days he had this craziness in his eyes, a psychotic look. My mother would say “he’s not right; something is wrong with him.” He’d go from happy to crazy within minutes, & if you noticed & said anything about it, he’d go back to pretending to be happy downplaying what his face & actions had just displayed moments before. Anyone that reads this, please FREE yourself before you end up dead from an incurable disease or get murdered by these sick individuals, or (like this story), take your own life. I feel broken, I now have to piece so much of my life back together–some days I don’t want to wake up, but I know I’ll heal. I’m now in counseling & I know things will get better. They ruin us financially, emotionally, physically, as well as spiritually.

    Once I’d go no contact (which happened on many occasions), it’s like he’d lose his mind. He’d continuously call, text, leave I love you messages–even resort to crying. I literally had to block him out of my life. I closed my email address that he would contact me through. I blocked him out of my phone (I get calls from spoofed or mysterious & blocked numbers, I don’t answer & block those too), as well as my relatives phones. Even before I had an understanding of what was happening to me, I would block him out of my life because he was so toxic! Months would go by & he’d still pursue me, knowing he had been elsewhere with other women. He’d make up sick twisted sob stories about where he’d been for however many months, even lied about being in jail, yet forget that his fb page was open & didn’t match up with his stories.

    When we were together & tried leaving him or when I did leave him, he’d suck me right back in with some pity party story, or tears of sorrow–the weirdest, tumultuous, most TOXIC relationship I’ve ever been in. Breaking up 2-4 times a year yet we were married. I’m glad to say that I’ve finally built up the courage & opened my eyes to what was going on enough to file for divorce. I’m free & don’t plan on looking back. They sit around & bash you to people when your gone & make everyone think your crazy etc. Then turn around as if they didn’t do anything, play the victim, get bold enough to try and rekindle with you after hurting you over and over, as if they’d done nothing!!!

    This is where I discovered he had no empathy. Please free yourself of an animal like this; I can’t rest assured that he or she has several other victims on the side that they’ve kept in their grip, for the day that you figure them out & finally leave them. They can NEVER be faithful or loyal. They will talk about & treat you like a dog, and praise and grin in everyone else’s face, putting on a charming facade. Run please run!!!



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