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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: My sociopath partner gave me HIV

Editor’s Note: This Letter to Lovefraud was submitted by a reader who calls himself “Fred.”

I bloomed late.  At age 53 I grew tired of a lonely and celibate life, I finally admitted to myself and others I was gay. It didn’t take long to find my first boyfriend who was a super sweet, moral guy, like myself,  but after nine months it was apparent we weren’t a match.

Drawn to downtown guy

Many months passed and I again was so lonely. I saw this guy at a downtown club. I’m not sure what the draw was. He was bald, slightly chunky but seemed to be the most beautiful guy I’ve ever seen. Funny now, because others tell me he’s not attractive. I’ll call him Adam.

I tried to work up the courage to speak to him, then he would be gone and I thought I missed my opportunity. Then he would come back. I thought to myself, “how am I going to live the rest of my life without knowing this man?” Finally we spoke and in moments it was like we always knew each other. I was so happy to find this great guy, Adam.

He asked lots of questions. I know now this is how sociopaths size up their prey. He knew my age, my history and that I was newly “out” and had only been with one guy. He knew I was looking for a long-term relationship.

Baiting me with questions

We spent lots of time together. We would take trips. He even took me to his family reunion, I felt honored, his folks liked me. But at times he would say crazy things. I believe now he was feeling me out to see how I would react if I really knew who he was.

Once he said he was thinking of doing porn. I said “no way!” He said, “You would break up with me if I did porn?” I said “yes!” Porn was never brought up again.

He would mention other extreme sexual practices and when he sensed my appall he would back off. I’ve since learned he was into all the topics of these baited questions. I was so blind and thought this was the love of my life, the perfect guy.

One thing I did notice early on is that he didn’t look like himself in pictures, something about his eyes, there was a  lonely, sad look.

He told me he had been in two long-term relationships spanning 12 years. He seemed like such a catch in the beginning. He never talked of friends. I knew he was bi-polar and I thought maybe his friends grew tired of his moodiness. I patiently (mostly patiently) dealt with the moodiness, thinking he was such a great guy I could deal with his disorder.

Started to get sick

Six weeks into our relationship we went on an overnight backpacking trip; we had a great time. The next morning I felt bad and barely hiked out. I kept getting sicker over the next few weeks. I went to my doctor and got lots of tests, including HIV which came back negative. I asked Adam to get tested and he fussed about it, saying I made him feel like a slut.

As my health continued to decline I asked him to move in to help. Finally I lost consciousness. Adam took me to the hospital after he said I was unresponsive for two days. I remember just a few details, but lost about a week of memory.

One day in the hospital all five of my doctors came at once and told me they had bad news. I was HIV positive which had caused my spinal meningitis, encephalitis and kidney problems. I still didn’t test positive for the standard HIV antibody test. HIV hit me hard and fast.

From sweet to evil

During my recovery at home Adam was so sweet, caring for me and doing everything I needed. When I did walk, I needed a cane. I was mostly “out of it” and on the couch for a couple months. When I finally started getting better Adam turned evil, picking crazy fights.

As time went on, more and more of his sexual history came to the surface, like the term “all hell broke loose” and mentions of bath houses. It seemed whenever we were out and around town, people he knew came up to him. “Oh him, we had a three-way with another guy from a group camp out.”

I took my car away from him when I found out he was drinking. I suspected he was seeing other guys and I have since found out that I was right, he was hooking up with guys in my own home. Sociopaths take extra pleasure when they do their “deeds” right under your nose! I kept getting a sense he was baiting me to physically assault him but I wouldn’t take that bait. I thought it would be wise to keep a digital voice recorder in my pocket.

He wouldn’t move out

I finally asked him to move out. He told me no, and if I tried to make him leave or call the police he would cut his neck, choke himself and tell the police I did it. He said he would get me thrown out of my house, get a restraining order and stay as long as he wanted rent free. He said when I went to work he would bring in skanky downtown people to trash my house, and I would never see my dogs again. He said he would burn my house if I tried to force him out.

Finally he left, 30 minutes later I got a text that he never wanted to hear from me again.

I lost lots of hair and weight and I believe I could have died from this illness. I think he expected me to die and if I did he would get everything I owned. It was only after I started getting better that his attitude turned against me.

Barely functioning for a year

I could barely function physically and mentally for about a year; my eyesight and hearing and cognitive functions took some time to recover. I lost all my clients in my small construction business, as I could only manage a few hours of light duty work.

I saw many therapists and was treated for PTSD, depression and anxiety for quite a while. They had me on five different anti-depressants.

I actually learned more from Lovefraud than from any of my well-meaning psychologists and psychiatrists. I believe I was targeted by an opportunist who saw me as a meal ticket and someone to kick around.

Once I said “Adam, I’ve lost everything — my business, my wealth, my ability to earn, my health.” His response was  “now you’re just like me.” He took delight in knocking down someone who had something he never had.

I was looking for love and found the Devil. I now find myself saying how am I going to live the rest of my life having known this guy?

Still haunted by trauma

I’ve made quite a bit of progress in two and a half years. It took over a year before I could work a full day. I have been with a great guy now for two years but I am still haunted by this sociopath and the trauma I endured.

I live in a small city and I sometimes see Adam lurking around; he avoids me. Now that I’m in the HIV community I find that nearly everyone I know has some connection to him.

I’m still optimistic about people and hope to be able to trust again … but sometimes in the back of my mind I’m waiting for the other boot to drop.

 



29 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: My sociopath partner gave me HIV"

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  1. Bally says:

    Fred, my heart goes out to you. What a sad, sad story. Yet you don’t write with any bitterness, just deep hurt and disappointment.

    I don’t understand the reasons the HIV standard test didn’t show up positive….did the doctors explain this to you?

    The psychopath I encountered had STD tests done at my insistence before any intimacy – like you I’ve had hardly any men in my life. He then showed the negative results to all his secret girlfriends to con them into having unprotected sex with him. When found out I was terrified and I had full STD’s done and was relieved they were negative – but I’m now reading that isn’t conclusive?

    I really hope you are feeling better now with your health, I believe the medicines are so much more advanced. Thank you for sharing and a big warm hug.



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    • Fredpdx says:

      Thank you for your kind words Bally. Yes I did learn it takes 3-6 months for HIV antibodies to be detected, I had a very severe, acute reaction and was deathly ill before antibodies could be detected.

      During this time Adam was so sweet and caring, he visited me every day I was in the hospital and took care of me, my home and dogs during my recovery. After I started getting better is when he turned on me.

      I’m reminded that while we were dating and things going well I did mention I wouldn’t leave anything to my nonsupporting relatives but that I would leave everything to my partner.

      The Irony is I lived a mostly celibate life until a year before Adam because I was afraid of HIV, back when I was young it was mostly a death sentence. Now it is manageable. Most of my issues are not from living with HIV but the damage to my brain from the infection and the mental trauma I endured.



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  2. nomoretears2013 says:

    Fred,yes, I am also so sorry for what you went through and going through, but am so glad you have the courage to share your story with others.

    As Bally asked in the previous comment, how did doctors explain your test showing negative when it was positive? My ex sociopath husband ended up with HIV from his risky sexual behavior with prostitutes and gay/bi-sexual swinger groups. Fortunately for me I tested negative twice-I first went to the Health Dept and then to my OBGYN. Both said my test of negative was without question correct as long as I had not had relations with him for the preceeding 6 months.

    I worry for others not realizing how critical and vital it is to be tested for all STD’s/HIV when they discover their partner has been unfaithful. There are 1 in 5 people in the U.S. who have the HIV virus and don’t know it. The CDC recommends all people over age of 16 who are sexually active be tested.



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  3. HopingToHeal says:

    Fred,

    I’m so sorry for your emotional pain and physical illness. Your story is a typical account of sociopathic attack, just like all LF victims. It’s disheartening to realize that we never saw it coming, I wish I had known what to look for.

    Your Spath was especially brutal and I’m glad you’ve been able to moved on. Since you live in the same town, I would be always be aware that he’s able to do all most anything. He’s a bad soul.

    Thank you for sharing your story. And I’m sending best wishes for healthiness in the future, and that the other shoe never drops.



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  4. Bally says:

    Nomoretears, when I learned about Psychopathy and realised he was a text book case, I also had the tests done again 1.5 years after my last encounter with him.



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    • nomoretears2013 says:

      Wasn’t it just terrifying to go through the test the 1st time much less the 2nd time? It was for me, but I had to make sure I was okay! I don’t know about your ex but mine couldn’t have cared less what my results were. In fact, our 21 yr old daughter had to be tested as she was always using his razor..he was even very flippant about that. A true psychopath!!

      I am on a mission of trying to educate and inform all(especially women) of the importance of STD/HIV testing when they discover their husband has been unfaithful. I understand they are overwhelmed with discovering the unfaithfulness but there is so much more at stake! I have started a FB page called Stop Risky Sex if you happen to be on FB and am in process of developing a website http://www.riskysex.org in hopes I can reach even just one more woman to the dangers that lurk out there with risky sexual behavior. I don’t want anyone to have to be subjected to what you and I had to face.



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      • Bally says:

        Nomoretears, thanks for the info.

        The second time I decided to get tested was a lot worse. Because I had only just discovered psychopathy from reading materials….and realised he was a text book case. By then it was about 18 months since my encounter with him. I was sure I would have it. I was in a terrible state. When I called in for my results I didn’t believe they were negative so I waited an hour then called again to get it confirmed again. I also then started to think that the nurse or lab people might be psychopaths and I wasn’t getting the true results. That’s how it affected me – psychopathy terrified me and made me not trust anyone. I then asked the nurse to send me the results in the mail, rather than just accepting her verbal results. It made me feel a bit better. But still, I no longer trust professionals that were just given my trust in the past.



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        • nomoretears2013 says:

          Oh,I know what you mean! The 1st time I was tested I went to the County Health Dept as I wasn’t sure how the testing results affected medical records. I will never forget when I when back for my results-the first thing nurse did was hand me brochure on HIV. I literally could not breathe; however she then said my results were negative. When I asked why the brochure, she said well obviously you had a reason to be tested..Yes due to my husband’s risky sexual choices, NOT mine. Was awful.



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  5. Stargazer says:

    Fred, I really have no words. You paid the dearest price for loving someone. Was he ever symptomatic or did he ever get tested that you know of?

    Your story has strengthened my resolve to be SO careful whom I take as a lover. I have been celibate for quite some time now – a few years I think. I have gotten close a few times and had many opportunities. Thank you for this contribution to my life.

    I wish you the very best, if not in total physical healing, in spiritual, emotional, and psychological healing.



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    • Fredpdx says:

      He got tested after the hospital told me I was positive, he also tested pos…He was giddy — free health care, free meds, free everything. Looking back I think he was trying to get infected.

      He ran a sex ad on Craigslist bragging of never showing symptoms or having to take meds.

      He is now on disability and gets free housing.



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      • His actions are despicable. Fred, I am so sorry for you – and outraged at him.



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      • Stargazer says:

        Wow, I can’t imagine anyone getting giddy about being diagnosed as HIV positive, and bragging about it. Un-freaking-believable. I wonder if the people who granted him disability know he is symptom free? I’m guessing he fakes a bunch of symptoms for them.

        The spath I dated managed to fake symptoms of a head injury for TWO years trying to get out of the army on a medical discharge. He had them convinced that he had no feeling from the waist down, couldn’t drive, couldn’t walk, slurred his speech, and had a facial tic. In reality there was nothing wrong with him (except the sociopathicity). When his army commander told me that, my jaw hit the ground so hard you could hear the thud. Fortunately, my sworn statement got him convicted of fraud.



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  6. russconte says:

    I’m with everyone else on this – terribly sorry to hear how you were treated, and that you are testing positive for HIV. One big question is how the HIV test came back negative but is coming back positive now. How could the doctors miss this? I’m fairly good with research and math, so I wanted to look this up to help answer the question of how the doctor’s missed this, so you have a better understanding how this happened.

    According to the World Health Organization, “The most frequent reason for a false negative test result is that the individual is newly infected (ie. the window period) and is not yet producing HIV antibodies. However, it is important to remember that someone who has tested negative because they are not infected with HIV can become infected the following day!”

    So the most likely answer is that the infection was so new that it did not have time to spread to the extent that it will test positive. The tests are not that refined, and the math is not that good, that a positive result will show up shortly after a person is infected. The HIV test does not actually test for HIV, but for HIV antibodies. It’s like knowing someone is there because you can see a shadow. However, it takes a while for HIV antibodies to form. Until that time an infected person will test negative with the current testing.

    Hopefully you are getting excellent care, and that the responses on the board are helpful. Keep reading here and doing your very best day to day. Thanks again for sharing. Your experience is beneficial to many people, and your continued growth will also prove an inspiration to many.



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  7. NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

    The ghost phrase: “NOT LIKE THEM”

    He told you that “you are just like him”. Only you’re not. You never will be.

    You are able to love. That makes you completely different than him. It takes a long time to get over the emotional fallout, but he NEVER will be any different than what he is, VOID of humanity.

    I am sorry that this worm did this to you. I do think it’s a crime, at least in some states. He knew he was positive and he intentionally infected you. That’s assault. That he targeted you and planned it and carried it out until he was sure you were harmed, is sociopathic. That’s the part that I know is hard to recover from

    I wish you health and prosperity, and I wish you to find a companion, a partner, a true love. As you know, HIV isn’t what it used to be. It’s manageable. And it does not exclude having relationships. You’ve already won victory over his sick game. You are NOT LIKE HIM. I wish you complete victory, a life that he can NEVER have, because he is a predator.



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    • Fredpdx says:

      Thanks NotWhatHeSaidofMe. I really didn’t know this kind of evil existed. And how could such a “caring and loving person” actually be so evil? I hope I will never “be like him”.

      I think he was jealous of my success and morality and wanted to take me down a notch.

      I’m not sure he knew he was Pos at the time but he was seeking HIV partners before, during and after our relationship, I know know this.

      Criminal yes, in some states, not mine. I actually consulted with a major downtown law firm to seek criminal charges and learned it was not a criminal offense to spread HIV in Oregon. My lawyer urged me to file a civil suit until he learned he had no assets and lived a parasitical lifestyle.

      My concern is he is going to keep harming others and ruining other’s lives. My heart goes out to the 22 year old kid who was recently “in love” with him.

      I wanted my story to be known and thankfully LoveFraud has given me that opportunity.



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      • nomoretears2013 says:

        I hope you will inform the 22 yr old kid. I unfortunately had to notify some of my ex’s sexual partners as he didn’t.



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        • Fredpdx says:

          I think this kid can find me if he wanted to. I saved every email and text message of our relationship and lots of audio recordings of Adam ranting and threatening me.

          Kid lives in the next state which is just across the river, where they have laws to protect against people who spread HIV. I will help him if he asks. But hopefully Adam is open about his status, The kid may be pos also, I don’t know.

          Adam has warned me not to talk about him to others or harass him. What’s ironic is I can get in legal trouble for trying to warn others of this predator but he can freely ruin lives at will.



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      • jm_short says:

        Although Oregon’s laws may not prosecute for the spread of HIV, they might prosecute for rape by fraud.

        Fred, concealing a life-threatening communicable illness in order to establish a sexual relationship with you, may be a crime, just not the crime you inquired about.

        I gather you have reason to believe he knew he was an HIV carrier prior to your relationship. Could you confirm that for me? Were there any other biographical or identity related lies that he told you?

        I’m not sure whether you are following the case of William Allen Jordan in New Jersey. Donna brought the victim’s situation to my attention and I researched the criminal statutes for the state, noting how the law applies in her case. We both went with Mischele Lewis to make her statement to the police, and they charged Jordan with “Sexual Assault by Coercion” two days later. In New Jersey, they no longer use the term “rape.”

        If you’d rather provide the answers or speak to me privately, you can do so at short_jm@ymail.com. I’m the author of “Carnal Abuse by Deceit, How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape.” You can identify his information on http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com so that others will be fore-warned.

        Joyce



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        • Fredpdx says:

          Hi Joyce, When we got together I asked about his HIV and STD status. He told be he got tested regularly and his latest test were neg, which I believe. But his lifestyle which I know now but didn’t at the time put me at risk.

          A few weeks after we met he got sick with flu like symptoms for a few days, he and I both believe that was his seroconversion period, I got sick about a month later.

          I don’t think he set out to intentionally infected me with HIV but I don’t think he cared about himself or me either.

          His reckless lifestyle put me at risk. this is someone who seeks many partners and multiple partners. I believe gender makes no difference to him. I learned after we split, he was targeting HIV pos partners even though he was neg. One time he told me he wanted to die. Another time he said he wouldn’t let HIV be a factor in having a relationship with someone. He is Bi-Polar and has his own demons.

          I was stunned to learn recently there is a sub-culture called “Bug Chasers” People who try to get infected for their own reasons. This guy now gets free, medical, dental, medication for his mental disorders and HIV, free housing, disability…It worked for him! And he’s still in his 30’s

          So perhaps I just got caught in the cross-fire of his madness.

          I was very naive and new to dating, blindsided by a handsome man, too bad there’s no law against being a bad boyfriend or promiscuous.



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  8. slimone says:

    Fred,

    So so sad. Reading your story just brought me to tears. I am so sorry.

    I was infected with Hepatitis C by a sociopath. I didn’t show positive for some time either. The ‘viral load’ has to get to a certain point to show on a test.

    I am also at a loss for words at the price you’ve paid with your health, income, and emotional well-being. I wish you peace, continued healing, and stability.

    You are so spot on about how sociopaths test us with their outrageousness. The last one I got entangled with started doing it on the first ‘date’. He wouldn’t let me into his bedroom (which was his part of a shared housing situation), until I asked permission. He said it was his sacred space, and he wanted to make sure I understood that. I thought maybe I was less evolved than I ever thought. What was I thinking?

    He answered the door naked, on the second time he asked me to his house. We didn’t have sex, we watched TV in his room, and he was naked the whole time, but wouldn’t directly speak to why.

    I just sat there kinda dumbfounded, thinking maybe I was more uptight than I ever considered myself to be before. What was I thinking?

    So, in just two dates, because I didn’t understand what I was dealing with I thought I was pretty unevolved and uptight. But that’s the way it can be if we don’t understand abuse and manipulation tactics.

    Now if I feel any of this kind of nonsense around someone I immediately disengage. Even if I don’t identify the tactics they are using. I just figure my spidey senses are letting me in on some sh** that my mind isn’t noticing yet.

    Good luck Fred. I am with you….I have learned SO SO much here at LoveFraud. THE best community!

    Slim



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  9. OpalRose says:

    Fred – your story is my story in a lot of ways. But I married the jerk since I had no idea what I was up against. So glad you got away from the sociopath and hope your healing will continue.

    I remember being tested for HIV after a particularly blatant bout of his infidelity. He made a big drama scene when he went to get tested himself, got the nurses to feel sorry for him, got his co-workers to support him (how DO they do that ??). Meanwhile I felt humiliated and somewhat numb when I went by myself to get tested (he would not go with me). I felt dirty even though I had done nothing wrong except be completely uninformed about sociopaths. Right now as I prepare to leave my husband and go No Contact, I am staying completely away from him – not even kissing – as he is busy right now with all sorts of dark activities. Some days go better than others in terms of successfully avoiding him.

    I feel a similar residual weirdness like you talk about – still haunted by the experiences. I so understand that. I cannot wrap my mind around how blatantly they attack us with no hesitation and no regrets. And then how easily they dismiss us and get back in the arena to find the next target. Pure evil. Some days I am clear and just accept the reality of sociopaths among us. Some days I am shocked at the behavior. It *is* like being haunted and I wanted to send you support for that particular part of your experience.

    I hope you continue to surround yourself with supportive people and supportive therapies for your health – I know you will. You have survived a nightmare and I admire your courage to continue seeking truth and living your life safely. I send you warmest wishes for continued recovery. Thank you for sharing your story.



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    • nomoretears2013 says:

      Opal Rose, you are doing the right thing! stay completely away from him regardless of how convincing he tries to be. My ex spath even claimed he had been tested several times in the past and really hadn’t. Thank goodness I stood my ground with him-he had HIV as it turned out.

      I understand how this experience haunts you and others, as it is so dark..when you let your mind go there you can feel the evil around you. I can promise that there is joy and peace ahead for you when you have no contact. Wish you the very best!!



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      • OpalRose says:

        Thank you NoMoreTears – I really appreciate the support! And thank you for your website about risky sex – so very important to get that information out there. Very best wishes to you as well !



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        • nomoretears2013 says:

          We can all make it if we have the support. I am sure you know as I do, it is hard going through a journey when others just can’t quite understand the sheer madness these people can put us through. Even my mom says now she didn’t believe half of what I was telling her!



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    • HopingToHeal says:

      Opalrose,
      Wow, you are one strong lady to be able to stay and make your plans solid before leaving. I’m proud of your acceptance of your situation and your determination to escape. You are leaning on wisdom. I have trouble doing that.

      Keep heading toward peace. Best wishes!,



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      • OpalRose says:

        Thank you Hoping to Heal – your comments are always so helpful and so kind. Love Fraud has been my guiding light and the articles and posts here are the reasons I am able to handle this as well as I can – much better than I would have otherwise – thank God. Very best wishes to you as you heal. (((hugs)))



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      • nomoretears2013 says:

        Hoping to Heal, one day at a time! I guarantee you are leaning on wisdom and don’t even know it right now. Life stays so cloudy with these individuals in and out of our life. You just keep the faith,keep your heart and mind open and I know God will lead you to a place of light!



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