Editor’s Note: This Letter to Lovefraud was submitted by Lovefaud reader whom we’ll call “Bessy.”
A “relationship” that spanned one year will take me a lifetime, no doubt, to even try to comprehend. From my readings, which have been countless, I know there will never be “closure.” This person I didn’t even “invite” into my life, effortlessly wormed his way in very quickly and drove me to lose 80 pounds and become suicidal. In the blink of an eye. I would not even normally associate with this type of person — he would never be in my circle of friends.
Right off the bat, I had glaring red flags and ignored or explained every single one of them away
Be more adventurous, I told myself. Give the “poor guy” a chance, he’s had it “rough” I said. Uh huh. I could “love him” back to wholeness. Sure.
A convicted pedophile
The ten, twenty to fifty or more texts a day in the beginning. The never-ending “noise” he created in my life, didn’t give me a chance to think. I was exhausted. Waking me out of a dead sleep to go “feed the fish in the pond” at 2 a.m. when I had to get up at 5 for work. I was in a constant state of disorientation.
Oh, I noticed his blatant flirting with every YOUNG girl around (I am ten years OLDER; he told me how grateful I should be to feel happy again “at my age.”) He is a convicted pedophile, having repeatedly assaulted his 11 year old over a two year period (ten years ago). Guess what? It wasn’t HIS FAULT (flag!). It was his cold, ex-wife who “neglected him” in that department so he wanted to “get back at her.”
A model husband who cheated and didn’t come home for days
In regards to his ex, she was a topic of conversation almost daily, even when I expressed over and over I did not care to hear about their intimate bedroom details, or how they did this or that together. He talked about her all the time, yet expressed total disgust for her. “Cheating, not coming home for days, didn’t take care of the kids…” Hmmmm.
Yet he said he was a model husband, didn’t drink, took care of the kids, was home every day after work. (He spends seven days a week in a certain sports bar he loves, and yet, tells me he can’t be an alcoholic because he switched from hard liquor to beer).
A one-sided relationship
My needs/desires/plans never mattered. It was a one-sided relationship, everything his choice. He planned our days. He planned HIS days (which may or may not have included me). I was stood up. I spent money on weddings he asked me to go to with him, only for him to disappear or deliberately cause a fight so he could go alone. He would spend hours and hours out grilling a hundred burgers and hot dogs for his bar “friends” but could not attend a funeral with me — “who wants to sit for an hour around a bunch of sniffle bags?”
I think he can be, from my numerous readings, dangerous. The only thing he ever did to me was rage, or once, slammed my windshield so hard I thought it would break. Given time, I’m sure he has a penchant for violence.
He displays every single red flag of psychopathy / narcissism. He uses people, but he is so “friendly and charismatic” people tend to WANT to help him. Nobody would believe me if I told them even a few things I know.
Unfortunately, this man was a coworker and I had to leave my job to escape. He triangulated me in plain view, daily basis. Even during one of his silent treatments, he would bake cookies for other women in the office and leave things on their desks. Mine? Never. Not even when we were “together.” Not one note, card, flower — ever.
I have heard him look at someone who has a nice house or car and say, “I want to BE him.” Envious to the max but a slacker at work. Does minimal to get by, so he can get to the bar by 3 pm to see his “friends.” The ATM and slot machines are his nights. Seven days a week.
Pathological liar, every single thing was exaggerated or plainly so stupid to be true that came out of his mouth.
He stood me up once, saying “I forgot I had an MRI appointment at the hospital this morning. I’ll be gone most of the day.” Wanting to be a support, I took off for the hospital and surely, he was not there. Thinking I had the wrong hospital, I drove to three others. No MRI appointment. I finally got him by phone, and he said “oh, I didn’t mean MRI. I meant doctor appointment to talk about getting an MRI, I’m at the clinic now.” I was not far away, I said I’d be right over, and he said okay. I drove there and guess what, no doctor appointment. He was nowhere to be found.
And of course, this triggered a several day “silence” from him and then he just called again, as if nothing happened, totally ignoring the fact I spent hours driving around looking for him. He lied about EVERYTHING. Even when caught, he lied more, or raged and I got silence.
Looking at other women is part of therapy
He even told me that his “therapist” from his sexual assault conviction told him — as part of his treatment — he is supposed to “look/ogle other women, so that I can decipher my thoughts properly and not objectify them.” What a piece of work!!! Telling me that he “has” to constantly stare and flirt with other women as “part of therapy.” Really?
Never gave me any compliments, only criticisms. Made me feel “less than” always. Could not remember my birthday, it came and went, with him nowhere to be found. Yet he could describe in detail, from her earrings to her shoes, a pretty girl who stood in line at the bank in front of him six hours ago.
Very reckless driver, he will do 125 mph with his elderly mom in the car on winter roads. Often drives drunk. Thinks traffic is something HE should not have to contend with and will drive on the shoulder, over medians, anything to escape just waiting. If a nicer car passes him on the highway, he speeds up to “challenge” the driver. I was often very fearful with him at the wheel.
Obsessed with cell phone
His “office” persona and his personal, 3 pm transformation are amazing. This is why I could never tell anybody; nobody would believe me. Nobody. He gambles in excess. Drinks in excess. I have never “caught” him with anyone but I know he knows every strip club in a 200 mile radius and disappears for days/weeks. He is cell-phone obsessed; always face down, sleeps with it in his hand “in case mom has an emergency.” Takes it into the shower with him (work might need me).
He told me as if he were proud of it that he, as a child, “masturbated until I bled and still kept going.” And now even at 42, he likes his job flexibility as it allows him to run to his apartment a couple blocks away to “relieve myself” whenever work stresses him out.
No contact is hard
I am in week 4 of No Contact and it’s hard. It shouldn’t be; re-reading the above which is only a small, small part of what I dealt with.
Again, normally I don’t even LIKE this type of person; extroverted, type A personality, shallow as a rock. Doesn’t know or care about the community, the nation, what’s going on in the world. The world he lives in is strictly there for his entertainment. Wants nothing to do with paying bills, accountability, responsibility. This is how dangerous they can be: to totally mind control someone, anyone, and then play sick games and go on to slander and smear reputations. These people should be locked up. I hope, the only hope I ever can have, is that Karma exists.