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Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes

I confess. I am one of those people who was swept up in the excitement, sex and love bombing by the sociopath and committed to the relationship far too quickly.

James Montgomery proposed to me four days after we met in person. I said yes.

I sometimes excuse myself by explaining that we’d been corresponding via e-mail for about a month after meeting online, so it wasn’t like I only knew him for four days. But then, of course, a month isn’t very long either.

I take some comfort in the fact that I am certainly not alone. Many, many people describe the beginning of their relationship with a sociopath as a “whirlwind romance.” In fact, one of the warning signs that I identify in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, is “moves fast to hook up.”

As research for the book, I conducted the online Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey, which was completed by more than 1,300 respondents. When asked to identify behaviors that they saw in their relationships, 77% agreed with “moved fast — quickly proclaimed love, quickly wanted to be exclusive.”

But would I have escaped the bogus marriage if I’d gone slower? I don’t know.

Ten days after I left James Montgomery, he married another woman. Yes, that was bigamy.

But this woman — whom I call “Kim Goodson” in my book, Love Fraud — had been involved with Montgomery for seven years. Montgomery had gotten married twice during this time — to me and a woman before me, Gale Lewis — and continued to see Kim all along. At one point Kim actually learned about Gale and broke up with Montgomery, but still he was able to reel her back in.

So here’s the point: Although sociopaths may move fast to hook up, they may also engage in the long con.

Married to a stranger

Many sociopaths can maintain the loving charade as long as it takes to hook you. Then, once you’ve signed the dotted line, everything changes.

I’ve heard from many people who reported that they dated the sociopath for several years before agreeing to marry, and the person was a perfect romantic partner the entire time. Once they committed to the relationship, the charade ended.

In some cases, the about-face was sudden and shocking. Here are some anecdotes that I collected in another Lovefraud survey:

From very loving to cold indifference … started right after we were married … The change was startling … cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory … self righteous, irresponsible.

Initially there were dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.

Affection, sex, expressions of love, gifts, everything seemed almost perfect. Once I moved in with her everything changed. I almost left the first week but hung in for 6 months of hell.

It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in!  All he wanted was MONEY!

At first, he’d call me a dozen times an hour to tell me he loved me, couldn’t live without me, needed to hear my voice; then when me got married, that stopped … and he didn’t tell me he loved me ever again. He “won his prize.”

In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.

The long con

I’ve also heard from people who were married to a sociopath for years, even decades, and never knew that the sociopath was living a completely double life.

While the sociopath was gainfully employed, acting as an attentive husband or wife, and a pillar of the community, he or she was also engaging in fraud, drugs, and/or extramarital sex with women, men or both.

In these cases, the targets were often cover. They provided the sociopath with a veneer of respectability so that the predator could pursue his or her hidden agenda.

So here’s what you need to know: If someone is pushing you into a relationship at warp speed, this is definitely a warning sign that should not be ignored.

But someone who is not pushy can still be a predator.

Some sociopaths, when motivated, can keep their masks firmly in place as long as necessary to accomplish their objective.

Listening to your intuition

That’s why it’s so important to listen to your intuition.

Your partner may be doing or saying all the right things. But if you feel nagging concerns, if there is a problem with your partner or relationship that you can’t put your finger on, this may be all the warning you ever get. Be sure to pay attention.

 

 



26 Comments on "Sociopathic seduction: As long as it takes"

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  1. Jan7 says:

    Hi Diana111, when you are in the sociopath craziness everyday it’s hard to think straight to leave because you are completely mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted from all his craziness that you can not think yourself out of the relationship you are just in survival mode.

    It’s exactly like asking a tornado victim why they didn’t just get in the car and drive away from the tornado just before it hit their house. To an outsider of a tornado it would make sense to get in your car and leave the danger…to the victim with the tornado over their home it makes no sense because you are in survival mode just trying to stay alive and not get hurt. When there is a lull in your storm hon you must get out…start making your exit plan to get out of this storm.

    You are going to be ok once you free yourself of this horrible man. You deserve so much more then a man who is mean spirited. You are going to survive and thrive once you leave and put distance/time between this man. What you have posted clearly indicates this man falls in the sociopathic spectrum and that he is not going to change ever.



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  2. Diane111 says:

    As most of you know, I started moving out last Sunday without my spath husband knowing. In the midst of the moving, I succumbed to guilt and the need to be honest and called him at work to let him know. He asked me to stop moving and we would talk when he got home, which I did. We talked but nothing really was resolved. It’s a week later and I’m still here, but only because he’s been on vacation from work this past week, which prevented me from moving the rest of my things. This week has been emotionally difficult and painful for me. He has been extremely nice and pleasant and attentive, which is killing me inside. We actually have not discussed anything since last Monday when, before I went to work, he cried and said he didn’t want me to leave … he was sick to his stomach at the thought of me not being here. It’s like the proverbial elephant in the room. This week has been emotionally difficult and painful for me. He has been extremely nice and pleasant and attentive, which is killing me inside. Just like what’s been posted, I’m second-guessing myself. Am I being overly sensitive? Am I over-exaggerating? Should I try harder? All couples have troubles? He’s not that bad? BUT like you said slimone, he’s bad “enough”. And like you said Jan7, there’s a lull in the storm and I’m planning my move. Tomorrow he’s going to move his daughter home from college. While he’s gone, I’ll be moving the rest of my things. I have a plan. I’m posting again because I need the additional reassurance … another boost to keep me moving on the right track. I’m smack in the middle where most of you have already moved out of. I need advice on remaining strong. Thanks for the support!!



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  3. one/joy_step_at_a_time says:

    Hi Diane111, I haven’t posted for quite a while, but am a lovefraud ‘veteran’.

    This is an addiction that you are dealing with. You need to avert your eyes from those of the snake and walk away. Don’t give him anymore information with which to manipulate you with. Leaving and right after leaving are known to be 2 of the most dangerous times for women leaving abusive relationships. If he’s ‘just bad enough’ or flat out evil,you are putting yourself at risk by communicating your intentions.

    Don’t ever make the mistake of treating them like ordinary people – for instance, feeling guilty about what you are doing ‘to’ them and telling them. You need to go no contact – and that journey starts in your own mind. Never give them ammo.

    No way would you be leaving this guy if he was okay, unless your perception is completely wrong. And guess what, you are still scared and unhappy – so it doesn’t matter if you are completely wrong about him, you are RIGHT about YOU.

    Best,
    Onejoy



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  4. Stargazer says:

    Dianne111, I don’t know your whole story but if you are here, chances are your husband is a sociopath. One thing to remember about sociopaths is that can be the nicest people on earth – like the guy (or girl) next door. But every once in a while they rob a bank. Don’t let the niceness fool you. It’s how they reel you back in. If you need to leave, leave. And like OneJoy said, don’t give him any ammo. Just go NC and take care of yourself.



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  5. Diane111 says:

    Thank you Onejoy and Stargazer! Your comments were just what I needed! And if you would like to read my story, it’s posted at the beginning of this article.

    This is so difficult for me … I am extremely nervous. Onejoy, your final paragraph was perfect!

    Thank you!! I will post updates.

    Diane111



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