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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: She played the hot and cold game

Woman behind maskEditor’s Note: This letter was sent in by Lovefraud reader “truelove.”

Wow — where to start. I am in my 40s and started dating a girl in her late 20s back in April 2013. I had met her a couple years ago and thought she was a nice, caring person. We started dating and things got hot and heavy really fast. It was like a fun roller coaster ride, but little did I realize she had plans to purposely make it jump the tracks once I was most vulnerable and hooked.

Taking control

She played the hot and cold game with me from the beginning.  I was hurt by it but always went back to her when she wanted to see me. She was taking control of the relationship at this point through manipulating my emotions. She asked me all kinds of personal questions and complimented me a lot. I never felt so appreciated in my entire life, and it felt so good having a woman tell me so many nice things. Then she said things that made me think this is my soul mate whom I have been waiting for because she felt the same about a lot of the things we talked about.

Texts and sex

The sex was unbelievable and often experienced. We spent so much time together and texted constantly. I thought this was kind of odd at first, but this was my soul mate so it seemed all right. Later I realized it was to keep control of me and not because she cared, because she did horrible things behind by back while having this intense communication with me.

Then I noticed that she would get offended really easily over silly things. For example, she got mad at me for replying to her text messages with K instead of saying OK. Then I noticed that she would say things to hurt me. She mentioned that I had a bald spot on my head when I didn’t. It was like she was testing me to see how to upset me. I just thought she was joking. Then she would ask me strange personal questions that made me feel uncomfortable, but I figured she cared about me and simply wanted to get to know me more.

Many personal questions

She asked what caused previous relationships to end and I said it was due to cheating, wow, go figure. She asked me what my greatest sexual fantasies were. Everything with her was sexual. She even said that my filtered fresh water was sexual!

As I look back, she would often stare at me in a really intense way. We even had staring contests and she won every time. It was like she could see right through me and her eyes were like two lifeless blue doll eyes in her head that wouldn’t flinch.

Lies and manipulation

Then the lies and manipulation really kicked into overdrive. We were upstairs watching a movie one night and she took a call that she said was her cousin. She ran out of my house like it was a fire drill to take the call. When she came back up, I had this pain deep in my gut that it was another guy she was talking to. She lied and I dropped it since I started to ignore my gut instinct a couple weeks before and how could such a sweet, nice loving girl do such a thing as lie? The brainwashing had already kicked into high gear.

Oops, the wrong name

My friends couldn’t understand why I didn’t just ditch the bad nasty apple for good and stop going back and move on. They obviously didn’t understand how addictive it becomes to want to work things out and still believe all the lies, since I thought we had a deep spiritual, mental and emotional connection and I didn’t want to be wrong?!

Then when we went to bed and she called me by her ex-boyfriend’s name by accident — so she said! I was so naive and “in love,” that I kicked her out of bed and later overlooked it and figured she was with him before for a year and a half so people make mistakes, right? This was in late June 2013.

Truth is like pulling teeth

A week later I caught her texting someone late at night right next to me in bed — after saying she didn’t want to have sex earlier that evening. It was like she got a thrill out of getting caught possibly. Then I badgered her into the late hours to tell the OBVIOUS truth and she finally said it was her OTHER EX, yes another ex boyfriend! Just to get a shred of honesty was like pulling teeth from a tiger. I see now that she was messing with my emotions and hurting me on purpose.

I thought she was a victim and being used by these other guys when it was likely the opposite. Really sickening now that I think about it. I was in complete denial at this point and in fantasy land since I was so into her and she was into me, right?! I later found out that she was sleeping with her ex and they had a fight and that’s why she took the phone call in a fire drill rush in my apartment.

Sleeping with the ex

She told me in late August 2013 about sleeping with her ex and about almost having a threesome with him and her best friend! She told me she loved me in the same sentence and how she prayed for me! I was devastated and felt so betrayed; I cried a lot.

When she “came clean,” by telling me that she slept with her ex, I later found out she was hooking up with another guy she met through the sex pages/personal ads of craigslist! This was when she was, “coming clean?!” She is almost thirty and the guy was 19 years old!

I found out she likely had a threesome with this kid as I saw her text messages one night. I know that was wrong, but I guess I needed a bigger dose of reality and humiliation.

Three days before she had sex with the kid, she had asked me to be her boyfriend and I said yes! It was like the more screwed up stuff she did to me, the more it made her feel good. This whole experience has been so humiliating as a man to have a woman do this to me and to leave and come back to it several times thinking it would stop. I think the word I am looking for is I felt emasculated?

The sex weapon

So she told me about cheating on me not because she felt bad, but it was intended to hurt me emotionally, which it did. I broke up with her initially when she called me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. But time and time again — I don’t know how she did it — she was able to get me back into her game. She was able to slither her way back into my life every time by using the powerful weapon of hot sex, now that I think about it.

Intentionally hurting through lies

I later determined that she was trying to turn me into a willing victim. Every time she would do something horrible to me, she would want to get closer to me and love bomb me again. How can someone purposely go out of their way to hurt another person?? I don’t get it! Why waste so much time!

While all this was taking place she told me lies within lies and deceptions within deception! I wanted to believe her, but I didn’t believe her. Such outlandish lies! She likely lied to me about difficult things from when she was younger to get my pity. How could such a hurt person who is so vulnerable do such monstrous things to me? It made no sense to me. As a result I remained in a fog mentally and emotionally, wondering if I was losing my mind.

Girlfriend and boyfriend

Now after Thanksgiving, she wanted space from me and I was dumbfounded and upset! A week before, she started a fight with me and justified going out with another guy and told me the details about how she was a good girl even though they talked about sex! After she told me this, she held my hand like she was my girlfriend!

Oh yeah, during our relationship, we spent tons of time together and she would put her arm under my arm while walking my dog, etc. She was making me think I was all hers and she was into me, basically my girlfriend. It was all a facade. I fell in love with a person who didn’t exist.

Smirks

This part was really creepy to me. A couple days before Thanksgiving, she was over my house and as she walked out of my bathroom, she gave a big smile, but I only looked at her from the corner of my eye. What I saw was creepy! Out of the side of my vision, I saw that the smile was fake and I caught a quick glimpse of a person wearing a mask! Every other time she smiled at me I looked at her directly and it seemed sincere.

When I caught her being deceptive and lying, she didn’t seem sorry but instead had a smirk on her face and duper’s delight — as they call it after I researched it. There was another time she asked me if I wanted a particular thing, and I said yes. After I answered, I saw a quick smirk on her face. Later it was her feeling good about duping me again about the question she asked. Now that I think about it, every time she upset me and hurt me through deception and lies, she probably enjoyed it and I believe got a rush from it. Crazy!

Needing space

Now after we both agreed for the umpteenth time to give space to each other after Thanksgiving, she broke the agreement and contacted me three days later wanting to see me etc. I ignored her because I had come to a definite conclusion that I was dealing with a sociopath and dangerous person emotionally for me.

I began researching online back in early October 2013 to try and make sense of what was happening to me. I thought I was going crazy and needed to deal with some personal issues since I was constantly mad at her and expressed it verbally several times. She later tried to get me to believe that what I said to her was just as bad as what she did to me.

Anyway, I read a lot of websites, articles and the book by Dr. Stout and it all began to make sense. I found Lovefraud.com  and read the testimonies of people and saw parts of my experience in almost every story. It was comforting but still painful and shocking to come to grips with what I had been experiencing. I identified with some of the traits that made me a potential bulls eye /target for her.

Wanting me back

Ok, so since I ignored her after Thanksgiving, she started to call me several times a day and sent 30 or 40 text messages to get me back into her game. I still ignored her, despite how difficult it was. It was extremely difficult since I care about her, but the more no contact with her, the more the fog lifted and I saw how many horrible lies and things she did to me and how I was duped by her.

She eventually wound up in a mental hospital early December with OCD from contacting me and depression. She tried to blame me for it, but I was simply breaking free from her control and saw through her manipulation. I thought that when she contacted me often she loved me, but it was just to control/own me, so to speak.

Knowledge is power

Wow — knowledge is power and wisdom is acting on that power …

I contacted her in the hospital because I love her and that’s when she asked me in a negative tone why I never returned her calls and blamed me for her hospital stay. I got upset and hung up the phone instead of yelling. Yet again she was successful at messing with my emotions.

She would send me poems and tried to contact me for the month of December 2013 and I continued to read them because I liked the attention and wanted to believe she could actually change and love me the way I need to be loved.

I still didn’t contact her until after Christmas when she wished me a happy birthday and Christmas. I contacted her and the whole games began again for a couple days and I broke free again. I find it ironic that she would up in the hospital instead of  me because of all the abuse I got from her.

Start from scratch?

In January 2014, she wanted to start from scratch with our relationship and I said no unless she tells the truth about something she obviously lied about before. Ridiculous, I know, for me to want to have a friendship with benefits kind of a thing. I had not been acting sane at this point.

So she continued to tell her ridiculous terrible lies; the truth was blatantly obvious. I told her I want nothing more to do with a liar!

This was when she told me she slept with her OTHER EX twice while being with me. She called me the following day begging to come sleep in my bed. I was shocked and speechless and she hung up on me. Even until the end she was hoping to keep me as her willing victim. She chose to keep her lies and dirty secrets over having anything to do with me in the future.

I gave her so many chances to change and do right by me. I knew that the new person was simply another mask she was putting on. All her actions before were in the past to be forgotten and forgiven, but saying sorry and making false promises gets old. Come to think of it, she had mentioned herself as a phoenix! The scary thing is, I don’t think she is done with me yet.

Emotional sobriety

It has been 10 days since last contact through Facebook and it has been like starting over with emotional sobriety. Every time I wound up in any kind of contact, it had been awful and emotionally painful as it brought up painful memories.

I believe she didn’t like the fact that I dumped her finally for good, and that she wasn’t able to hurt me again emotionally by sharing other guys she slept with while being with me. It is shocking how she would share different emotionally painful things right when it would hurt me the most. The 19-year-old guy she slept with I found out on my own and foiled her plans to hit me with that zinger. My God, the betrayal and lies/deception! She knew what she was doing to me. After I caught her in a deception, she got a parking ticket and claimed it was karma getting back at her!

Today I am slowly recovering. I feel depressed, shocked, angry and hurt all around.

I am still dumbfounded that there are people like this in the world. Also the bad luck I had of coming across a female sociopath, where there are around three million in this country I believe?  I have watched a lot of horror movies and seen things that are evil, but this takes it too a whole new level as they are monsters with sweet caring masks and a dagger behind their backs. Also they aren’t usually discovered until damage has been done.

But I also see how this negative, painful experience will make me a better person in the long run. They say the best revenge is to live a good, honest and happy life. I have every intention of doing so by Grace.

 



138 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: She played the hot and cold game"

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  1. Ok, not an idiot says:

    This is a forum for people who have been exposed to Spath’s. There is no way anyone can or should expect that we are all perfect. Like I said before, it’s Friday night and I’m pretty sure we have all learned enough about ourselves to handle being alone but that doesn’t always make it easy. So if we happen to drink too much that we say too much or drink nothing and receive information incorrectly, we need to respect and accept one another. It’s just life.

  2. truelove says:

    aintgonnatakeitnomore

    “I am the one giving negative feedback, not Ok not an idiot.
    You are giving everyone grief and you need to stop. These ppl on here are trying to help. ”

    Why would you give negative feedback/comments/name calling?
    Well one of my best friends died yesterday. I couldn’t get a # from sp to get a hold of his family. No one else I knew to get it from the other friend. I have not been drinking, and a 2 year old? I think children are more prone to name calling.
    As I had no idea you spoke for everyone on this forum. Sounds a bit narcisistic. Anyway your comments aren’t welcome by me. Please stop. Also it is likely you are drunk since many times we project our own problems onto others. I believe sociopaths have this down to an art form.

    • Ok, not an idiot says:

      OK can we please stop judging each other? I thought we had a good dialogue going these last few weeks. I have been drinking yet can see the irrational here. Can we start again?

      • truelove says:

        Ok, not an idiot

        Jeeze I probably needed a drink last night. This forum/dialogue has been helpful to me. I am a newbie when it comes to realizing you fell for a monster when you thought the fantasy world she created was real. Wow it was so hard letting that fantasy go. Also I have been looking for counseling as I know I certainly qualify for needing it like many of us I imagine. After this experience it is going to be hard as hell trusting people again and actually liking people in general. So I contacted her by txt thursday so last contact was 2 days ago. Crap I am geting sick of talking about this, she is still wasting my time just as much as when I was with her. This really sucks! I guess overcome evil with good I read somewhere. I think I had dated one before. Are they souless? Possessed? Just downright simply evil? Its a personality disorder and not a mental disorder so they know what they are dong and can control or change but they choose not to.

  3. Stargazer says:

    Truelove, I’m sorry if I didn’t listen and was insensitive. Glad you came back. I don’t really know the right thing to say except that it’s good that you are getting angry, and you will get through it. It takes a while to trust after a betrayal like that. Regarding the funeral, I personally would not even make eye contact with her. Eye contact with an evil person can be harmful. So much is transmitted through the eyes.

    Also, I’m very sorry for the loss of your friend.

    I hope I stuck to the topic and didn’t go too far off track tonight. :)

    • truelove says:

      stargazer

      No need to be sorry. I was the one acting touchy and just upset in general about the passing of a good friend the day before. You were just trying to help and give another perspective. I am having a difficult time with being challenged in regards to my actions concerning said sociopath. I want to apologize to you. Please continue to share your experience; it has helped me.

      You are right about the eye contact. I got that the other day from someone and it was really intense. He was a police officer and it just felt weird; his eyes looked too intense.
      Anyway have a good day tomorrow:)

  4. Stargazer says:

    Thanks, truelove, but no apologies needed from you either. I understand. And again, sorry about the loss of your friend. You especially do not want any eye contact with the evil person when you are so vulnerable. Please take good care and protect yourself from her in every way you can, even if it means not going to the funeral or just staying briefly, wearing dark glasses, or whatever you have to do.

    It’s so sad to see so many people devastated in this way by sociopaths. Not the way human relationships are meant to be. I am like Pollyanna. I believe you will find love again and that next time it will be the real thing. It just takes some time to work through the betrayal.

  5. truelove says:

    Ok, Not an Idiot

    Interesting story. Yea why is it sometimes hard to let go of friendships when many times they really aren’t that meaningful o begin with? Also it was good that you ended it based on her character and not some random shallow reason. Plus not even needing confirnmation that this person was a full blown sp but had enough lack of character qualities that helped you make a wise decision.

    What happened with me recently was I called the mutual friend, he tells that her boyfriend is controlling her but not to tell anyone. Now why would he tell me this unless it was to upset me. I responded by being happy and being relieved that she found someone else so fast. Then this guy tells me that its kind of hard to communicate when you aren’t talking to them. He said some other things that he got from talking to sp and brought them up to me. Then when I addressed them by telling him he had no clue what I what kind of a person i was dealing with. Then he tells me to stop because he won’t bad mouth his friend. Basically the sp was able to let me know she had a new bf without her having to tell me. Then i told the mutual friend that I cannot continue a friendship with you because you are too close to the sociopath and i refuse to allow anything to move me from the good place I am at at this time. Then I said to him, this has nothing to do with you. Haven’t heard back and he really wasn’t a good friend by sharing things that would be hurtful. I didn’t show that i was hurt by finding out about the new bf but I was kind of as I looked on their facebook page and basically saw it all. I felt all the bad emotions again and couldnt believe what I was seeing. It was like all these pictures with him and his kid at parks, shes posing, ooking sweet and pretty and innocent. His friends comment that he has never looked so happy before. I got upset but then felt bad for the guy. He looked like the perfect victim now that I think about it. She never let anyone know who she was dating stc and then to see her meet someone and have their own relationship page. But then i come to my senses and realize that its the same person only pretending to be someone else in order to get something from him. Just weird, their relationship obviously went fast. I did think about why did she treat me so horribly and now she seems to be nice and sweet with this guy and his young daughter. He also has a dog that looked exactly like mine. Well they started seeing each other when I would not allow her back into my life the start of this year. Why am I still missing this horrible retched monster?? A part of me wants to believe that she was that way with me because she wasn’t a sp but just needed to grow to meet or experience real love. But spaths never change, they just get better at what they do. I read a definition of sociopath on urban dictionary the other day that really set me straight. Her it goes:

    The worst, most disgusting, biggest garbage individual you will ever meet in your whole entire life and absolutley deserves NOT a single ounce of compassion, respect or love because they themselves are incapable of it and will deceitfully seek to use it against you any chance they get to take as much as they can then skipping away laughing all the way home.

    Another thing I thought about when I called her about a mutual friend dying. She turned it into a game and about her when I was simply telling her and trying to get info to help him. Instead of her calling back 3 days later to talk about the loss, she asks me to let her know of any arrangements etc. Totally trying to play games with me even when it is about a dead friend.
    So its good for me to end a relationship with a guy who sees her as his best friend since he is an extension of her, even if he doesn’t realize it. Master manipulators. She will probably tell him how bad I am for ending a relationship with him over her…who cares…Cut all contact and people who can be manipulated by this toxic person.

    It still hurts though. While thinking about how much I miss her this morning, I was also flooded with all the memories of her lies, deception, maliciousness, sadistic ways that she treated me. I am not going to look back again, move forward, I made the right decision by dumping this sp while in the middle of the devaluing stage. Thats what really kills her ego, strange as it sounds, she became obsessed with me because she wasn’t done with me yet and had other plans of destroying me emotionally and mentally. Please give me advice or anything. I am just feeling sad and still getting over the pain of being involved with a sp…
    Again thank you OK, I personally think you are definitely OK:)

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