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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: With this man, I felt physically ‘poisoned’

Editor’s note: The following letter was received from a Lovefraud reader named Paula.

Dear Donna,

I read your story and the one about Lance Larabee. The man I was friends with was also a pilot, so that one caught my eye.

I must say that I felt physically “sick” hearing all of the just disgusting ways in which Lance violated boundaries with his poor girlfriend despite her very obviously courageous attempts to “protect” herself with all those promissory notes.

By the end of the story, it was predictable that expecting him to write his life insurance policy over to her in order to pay her back would never happen. I could almost see him laughing at that, which made me literally feel sick.

Poisoned feeling

In my case, with my pilot friend, I felt physically “poisoned” … almost the same feeling I witnessed in both of my parents when they were dying from cancer.  I felt literally exhausted in a way that I NEVER felt before or after. That’s when I knew viscerally how dangerous my pilot friend must be. I believe he is capable of literally anything because of the way he thinks.

But he’s so nice

Our mutual friends think he is the most polite, quiet, calm, man they ever met DESPITE what they read in his emails to me and witnessed him say to me . The level of deception is so uncanny that he could literally say to them that he will be killing them momentarily and they wouldn’t flinch because of the “way” that he says it.

He was ALWAYS much calmer and nicer in front of others than when alone with me, even though his words were very mean in front of them too, but his demeanor masked the meanness. All my friends said he had such a nice smile and beautiful blue eyes.

Dead shark-like eyes

I have beautiful blue eyes and compared to his, mine are clear and fresh and his have always looked beady and dead to me. The best analogy I can give — and it is a visceral one — is that he “feels” like a shark.

I swam with 6 foot harmless reef sharks in Tahiti and the way they circled and approached “felt” the same way EXACTLY. It was clear that if they wanted to eat me and not just display curiosity that all of us tourists would be just fresh meat in seconds.

He actually once said that for him, women were “fresh meat.”  It made me sick, and although I never slept with him, I always felt that he thought HE was in control of that, not me, which made me feel emotionally raped.

Just friends

I was discarded as a friend VERY rapidly when I stood up for myself, but I also suffered a devastating loss of the person who very clearly portrayed himself to be my best friend.

The greatest loss that I felt, and I still feel this sometimes, even though the cognitive dissonance has been otherwise resolved, is that  he was the funniest man I ever met.

We did have a chemistry that very uniquely came from his sadistic humor, but I thought it was so funny because it was NOT real. Who knows if for him it was real stories of sick things he did? It was as if for me I was on a fun roller coaster, but he was on the same one and was really maybe going to fall off the tracks.

The silent treatment

After six months of friendship, he started giving me the silent treatment. This lasted a year. I am very leery because now I am getting mean texts saying, “Disregard. Wrong number.” Which doesn’t make sense in a text.

My birthday is unfortunately the exact same day as his. I am somehow afraid of him even though there was not any physical abuse when we were interacting. He honestly gives me the creeps and always has in a way, but the humor always took me off guard before. Now, I am afraid to be “off guard” even for a moment.

Sick feeling

I just wanted to share with you the physical feeling of “poisoning” I felt long after he started the silent treatment. Just the thought of him makes me feel “sick.”

I am finding that after all the reading and understanding, the only way to feel physically great, like I did before, is to have “no contact” even in a thought. In fact, one blog I read said that real “no contact” means not even a thought.

I am getting to the point of intentionally redirecting every thought that happens to pop into my head because there really is NO answer, no way to fix him, no way to fix “it,” and no way to fix even me as long as me includes even a single thought about him. It’s as if even the thought is “poison,” even if it is a bad thought about him.

Evil

He just resonates “bad vibes” and “evil,” if you will. I never believed in evil before, but if there is evil, I was looking straight at it.

I felt this when I got the first mean text a few weeks ago – the first communication from him in a year. After I stopped emailing and months went by where he didn’t get an email from me, he started texting, but it was all the same mean texts saying, “Disregard.  Wrong  number.”

I had always thought it would feel good to hear from him one day, but instead I started to panic and I checked all my doors and locked them right away. THIS was the real visceral reaction that spoke volumes to me. I DO feel afraid of him. My friends think I am being paranoid. I really don’t think so, and if I am, who cares, at least I’ll be safe.

Trusting my gut

I am VERY VERY sorry that you experienced this disgusting man you were with and reading about Lance Larabee also made me feel viscerally sick. They are MORE  than very mentally sick. They are the essence of “badness,” because it is rooted in who they are, their personality.

It still feels shocking that these people, or reptiles as some websites call them, are as “bad” as they are. It is just unconscionable, inconceivable.

I have read Hervey Cleckley’s Mask of Sanity and EVERY one of his cases is inside my ex-friend. It is as if he is ALL of them encased in one person.

I just KNOW he is dangerous and I can’t “shake ” that feeling. So, I trust that my gut feeling has got to be right. Whenever I suspected something about him, I always found out that not only was it true, but that it was really magnified 100 times over what I suspected.

It is inconceivable that the same man who could literally make me pee my pants laughing at a moments’ notice is now “the boogeyman” in my mind. That means he’s evil and bad and dangerous no matter what he could ever attempt to say or do

Paula

 



14 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: With this man, I felt physically ‘poisoned’"

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  1. Jan7 says:

    I am sorry that this has happened to you. I wonder about the “physically poisoned” symptoms you felt…I too felt this the last few years of my marriage….I often wondered if he was poisoning me. For work I travelled half the week (stayed in hotels) where i felt better but as soon as I returned home to him I started to feel sick again.

    We lived in an area surrounded by farm fields, in the fall mice would come into our garage & home to get warm…he would buy mouse poison….then he started to buy them in the summer when we never had a problem with them…I remember often thinking “is he poisoning me?”, since I was sick during this time I remember also sitting in my doctors office wanting to ask my doctor to test me for poison but thought this is so far fetched and talked myself out of uttering the words to him. Later I found out my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker the pervious two years the same amount of time I had been sick.

    Looking back I wish that I would have been tested…When I left I found out that I had adrenal fatigue due to the extreme mental/emotional abuse especially gas lighting abuse my ex h inflicted on me…adrenal fatigue is extremely common for women in/left abusive relationships…was this the only reason for feeling sick or was it a combo? Do I think now my ex was capable of poisoning me or the women(s) in his life now, ABSOLUTELY is is pure evil and there is no doubt he is that sinister. There is no doubt that he would hurt someone or even murder them so that he is not exposed for who he truly is, a sociopath.

    When I first met him through a friend he would look at me and I always thought he was a predictor…I had no interest in dating him, marrying him or staying married to him…he was so masterful at twisting my mind up so that I could not find the door out of the relationship. Even when we were just in the “friend” phase he would show up at my door without calling first, call my answering machine 20 times knowing full well I was at work or away on a business trip….looking back he was masterful at doing this to everyone he ever encountered. They just keep pushing your boundaries until you just give up trying to tell them that this is not acceptable behavior or even normal behavior.

    The best thing that ever happened to you is this guy discarding you…yes it’s hurtful but it’s the best way to get rid of a sociopath…he is trying to bait you back into his web with his current text…anytime you are confused at the behavior of a sociopath (ie this current text stating ‘disregard wrong number”) he is attempting to suck you back in or con you, he knows you will be pondering his strange text and that you will most likely send him a text back “what does this mean” then bam he has sucked you back in without you even knowing it…BLOCK him immediately or better change you email account & phone number…DO NOT respond to his text at all even if he send 100…NO contact rule is the only way to keep these evil people out…dont be nice to him at all.

    Thank you for your post. The book The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker is an excellent book to remind you to always follow your gut! also google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch her interview with her on her life class she is wearing an orange sweater.



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    • margaux07 says:

      you cant discard wt is not yours. if you put yourself first i relationship and love you first. n one can get rid of what is not theirs. i my own case. i did not want this person in my l life he was below me. and i saw through him at onset but i fell into it. i was kind to people, and tolerant but not stupid. but when i go into shock, i change and cant break free..
      I had to do what i had to to save me not him. he was not about being saved. but wanted women to pay his way like others he saw being paid for by women who feed and pay and cloth Jamaican man and they go out and have other women, and come back to the feeding tree. i had a rule that no man come between my talent and life. and not before it was time to have one or it could kill me and my dreams. and if i was in danger t tel someone. but i had no one teo tell. Others might have sane family or a Dr. i also suffered adrenal or not fatigue or ptsd. I told drs this and told them to remove me and they did not listen causing me to suffer a full breaking down and loss of my life future and still no medical care. left me in street and lost.. from top of world to lost is what this kinnd of person wanted.. also my family other story.



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  2. jan7 – other Lovefraud readers have told me that the sociopaths in their lives were poisoning them. It happens.



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  3. Jan7 says:

    Hi Donna, it’s like they open the door to hell and shoved us in…such a scary world that we live in, sad that the bulk of our society has no idea how dangerous it truly is or that these pure evil people are walking this planet blending into society while popping in & out of their lives.

    Even now with educating myself with your incredible site & books…I will never know the full extent of his evilness that he did to me & others. I wonder how many victims have been poisoned by these sociopaths? crazy world! It’s just so mind blowing and beyond the scope of my thinking even after educating myself the way they think and destroy their victims.



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  4. onmyown says:

    I felt ill the last 6-8 months I was with the spath – tired all the time, severe gastrointestinal disorders, headaches, difficulties concentrating, etc. I think it was a physical reaction to being around such a toxic person, and also being subjected to so much emotional abuse.

    I also feel pretty confident that he somehow made me intentionally sick once by tainting a beverage. That was a completely different, very violent kind of illness.



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    • margaux07 says:

      its called your being murdered and poisoned inside.. and dying. if you do not escape what happen to me will happen and its hell because theh socity will keep pushing you into cracks. i told my dr i was suffering ptsd years ago and remove me to spare me. he cut me off. i began to lose my eye sight, suffer leg swelling and seizures brain damage and then my mind and body fell apart.. they ignored all warning signs and even after i began to die and get sick. left me to fall. one dr stated in his news clip , he did not want persons to fall into cracks. and where am i. in gutter and not fall pushed by drs and his office.



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  5. margaux07 says:

    This sounds like allot of them i have had contact with and the last one who was straw in camel back of Black Jamaicans not limited to. And the humor part. as t his person and other feel they have charm and humor and his friends think he is so nice. well his friends are same as him. Trying to use and in between abuse anyone they can if they deem that person ab usable. i was in between not , and being vulnerable because i was suffered conditions that needed peace and not abuse and he did not care about me. but to get money off me. like wool from sheep. this person is a no education black dread pimp from negril where. I used to live in Mobay as a white to some, kid and my friends would talk about the renta dreads in Negril. well i was with one rent a dread in Kingston i never wanted to be with but, i had a flaw in my dispostion in trauma that drs did not acknowledge abuse from parents i was growing out of. as result, i was prone to have this kind of person attack me and take me down. I however was very elite equiped with sensors and detectors but not love and support or sane family. call them sociopath to. As result in life i was left to do it all alone. All alone minus also medical care that left em short of that one ounce of strength i needed to keep this kind of preditor out. i had been given miracles in life to rise up from dead where my cough loving father put me taking me from a happy smiling honor student overcame bulimia alone, and no drugs in art school. My father a in denial food addict with morbid fixs. I was munchausen by age 18. i only got to see 3 months of life out f prison of bulimia when he did what he did to keep me out of school.
    I was one in one million to escape 15 years of hell he inflicted and others in streets of nyc who felt they also could gegt off wit murder. I did it alone to. but alone did not stop who and what from killing my dreams. this person was last on list of many i escaped and did the work others failed and that my family failed to do turn me into them or their delusion. he sounds just like that. he also laughs at everything but has a very evil twist , and his laughter is a sign of his hostility and cruelty.. not his humor. this person was put in my path to make sure i did not get to talk about others. they all have friends. friends who move bodies , not move.
    I had little freinds but god and i was ok, but i also had alot of personality at the time before this persons got to me and was making my way to top of world adn regain back my spirit real identity and personality after years of torture. i had a boss that did not want to see me rise and a job of people also same. jelousy. despite i had so many burdens. i had the charm and was proving it all ..
    this kind of person you describe came in m path over and over. the one i married to felt he was funny charming and bragged , how peoples mothers loved him . cough. his babies mothers mother went to a obhea man to get rid of him. if the conjured me to do the job . i not want it.
    He was physically violent and abusive. he had no remorse and laughed at his attacks on me. hit me with two by three in a construction job. cracking it over my ribs. breaking my ankle when i refused to give him money when he came to push in on my job.. and other. His mother was also the issue as she did not discipline him and had no control.. hs brother was a good person and then was killed by police..

    Over and over this same kind of person put in my path like someone was trying harder when i escaped my family turning me into a damaged fatality, to try again and again. i got to drs to reprot damage and trauma. but they did not remove me as in the love fraud letter in regards to the opressed rat.
    so i was left to have to try to escape alone. this time i did not make it . I begged drs when i began to show signs of damage and illness from ones before but they to showed signs of being sociopaths. and ignored me.. sadisticly.
    This kind of person smell out something in your nature. They also feel they are better than you. or he is tolerating you. LoL this person had no shoes no money no class and wanted to make his life as a pimp. but not to successful. even the fat woman he pegged as a victim did not want him around her. but i being a kind heart and part jamaican fell into trap as a friend..
    Being that in all of cases of men of this kind or other around me. i did not put men in my life over career , love over talent and or miracle. but i had a flaw to smell it see it and know it . but fall and get stuck in it. cry out and not be heard. so i fell again. despite how much progress i made because i was under trauma and had no support.
    Again this person was blatant about being a pimp sociopath.i saw the first signs of an abuser when i went to his house and he began saying weird controling paranoid things. I left and then went back. i was in shock because i could see end of my life.. and when that happens i get stuck in it. again it was like two years for me. he went from being this kind of creepy dirty dread to a very evil abusive sexualy agressive and deviant, abuser.. his personalit changed not to slowly. he then began to demand and say he wanted money . LOL to me that was a joke as i was not one of those desprate woman i was a young person.. and he mistook me. he also was concious he was taking my life down and said things like i put hips on you and look at your face .. ( i began to look sick) how he made me better. all of them say same thing.. and know its a lie.
    I struggled to get free of this to save my life and began to make 911 to family and other which was like the most horror filled thing to keep email people like a bucket with a hole or siv and nothing come up.
    all of them out in delusion land and ignored me. I was left to suffer worst my brain and mond body after years of abuse and fighting to repair with no dr. began to fall apart and crack and i refused to die for three years . I fought for my mind and self got to Drs but i got no response. i fell back into this over and over as i did not want to . but i did opposite of sense in shock..
    again this person was violent agressive more and more. at one point as i learned in this case to detach, and let him live his life and not get upset over love or even go there. let him go out on road and enjoy my privacy and life while i find a way to escape.. that helped but not to save me. he had devious plots to find ways to use my money to feed himself and rides to connect with his friends. then began in last chapter to abuse me more violently bannging on my door.( i got m own place) and demanding food an money and other. codes to unlock the phone he stole from me . at same time his friends were pushing me to give him money and him to take advantage of me while sick. all of them rasta who are not rasta .. the toll it took on me was devistating i end. As i tried to get to a dr in nyc. my time ran out with dr also ignoring me.. to death . i lost 19 years of miracles. most of it was spent begging drs for care to wounds inflicted on me by this kind of person. Trauma for me could kill me. i was alive off grace of GOd. despite i was a tough person. i had my limits i lived in .. and this person has no consideration for you. its him. under him though, there would be some kind of love.. or show of. and he got upset when i moved out.which could cause confusion becasue most of time he was taking me to atm machine and laughing at his own cruelty and rape me.. etc. sex had to do with him taking it if he did not get it and me get nothing and he want u to bow and not him.. Humiliation and trauma. I began to fall into horrible places not just as result to him. but the ones before him and the Dr ignoring my medical needs and exhaustion set in and i was taken down by others who used him to weaken me. now im left homeless. i was a young person now i am walking deaf blind and strange and not able to get my brain to live again, work an lost all my talent and rise. they find it funny.. and evil.. He also can be abusive physically and made threats.smoke drink not work, and not want to is their game. and target women over 40. As a black male he wanted to see how brave he could get violently. as a person who had enough of this kind of person and not enough life to deal with it. Detaching spare me some time.. to spare me life and spirit.One good person to go to would have saved my life.. but not in this story..



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    • margaux07 says:

      Ps. the part about what you said about friends and people think he is so nice. That is what is called an enabler.Ok hsi friend has a white woman too an older woman older in life spirit than me.Ok she buys him drinks and things and is very kind to him but she has not ever seen him in action. I dont know if he would show that side of him to her. to his black friends. She is the kind of woman to be blind to this. and i wonder what she would say if she saw him abusing someone. just brush it off so she could say he did not do this to me and im stronger. well he would do it to her to if her BF was not there. im sure..



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  6. aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

    YEAH I *knew* I was gaining wgt cuz of him/the whole ridiculous situation. I just thot it was cuz i had let myself start eating incorrectly, due to stress, yes, but then i kept it up even tho I LEFT and got everything out of the house too. Well i went back in 7 or 8 weeks, in contact with him alot the whole time. So rly i was still in the relationship, just was trying sooo hard to not be.
    AND RLY IT’S HIS FAULT I AM NOW OBESE.
    D
    A
    M
    N
    Damn him.
    Damn him to hell.
    First I had actually lost some wgt becuz I was so griefstricken by his actions. Then i stuffed that down and started eating wrong instead. It was so AWFUL moving in with him! Rly RLY RLY bad.
    I wish I cud get griefstricken again so i could lose wgt now. I seriously do. Food tastes like ashes to me and even my thirst leaves when im grieving. But its so worth it wen u come out the other side — and ur lighter to boot. I have huge hormonal problems so losing wgt is HUGE battle for me. Like almost impossible. and i dont just look like a cow, i look pregnant…someone just asked me my age last week and then said oh so u can still get pregnant. i said yes i could. she said, then oh are u? thats how bad i look, like i’m 7 mos pregnant.
    I think i hate him more for the poisoning leading to my wgt gain than any other thing.
    And im having flashbacks now, where i remember abuse suddenly for no reason. he rly did do a number on me. i thot only the spath did that to me (yeah, i gained 50lbs with the spath –> and nearly killed myself losing it too).
    im just so depressed now thinking how impossible it is to lose wgt again and alot of it is due to the disordered ppl ive had in my life and i cant correct that past stress that still affects me psycho-somatically. ive been doing well eating and walking for about 2 wks now. ive lost zero. zero lbs, zero fat, zero inches. i weigh way too much to not lose it at first quite easily.
    good article.



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    • Dave says:

      aint,

      im the same way but opposite with the weight, when we split up I have a hard time eating and lose weight, im already thin as it is, so at times I can start looking a bit sickly cause ill drop 20 pounds in 5 weeks time. I have constant flashbacks, good and bad, however I forgot back in October I recorded a fight between us on the phone for 15 mins on my cell, listening to her voice and the absurd things she said angered me, but kinda helped me too, when I think of good times I miss her and look for an excuse to drive up there and talk, when I remember the garbage I get pissed and realize why im sticking to my guns.



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    • Stargazer says:

      Dear ain’t…….it was about 3 years ago someone at work I hadn’t seen in a long time also asked me if I was pregnant (I was 50 at the time). That was a turning point for me. I know you know a lot about nutrition. But here are a few tips I’ve picked up along the way that you may or may not know.

      1. Make sure you get enough sleep. Lack of sleep is linked to obesity. Get in the habit of drinking chamomile tea before you go to sleep. This will relax you and help you fall asleep naturally.
      2. Make sure you eat within 30 minutes of waking up. If you wait till your stomach starts growling, your body is going into starvation (fat saving) mode. Eat something with protein in it. A protein shake is a good one.
      3. Eat a good breakfast with the right ratio of proteins and carbs. A bagel is NOT a good breakfast.
      4. Make sure you have protein within 30 minutes after working out (walking or whatever). Otherwise your body will burn muscle instead of fat. Another protein shake or a protein bar is good for that. The average person doesn’t get enough protein.
      5. You don’t have to kill yourself exercising if you know how to eat, when, and in what proportions.
      6. Do not eat carbs after 6pm UNLESS you are working out. Then your body will use it.
      7. The carbs you eat should not come from any kind of white flour – pasta, bread, rice, etc. (White rice has been shown to spike insulin levels). Sweet potatoes, fruit, etc. are much better. There are many recipes out there that are starch-free or low-carb.
      8. Most of us have a hard time getting the nutrients we need out of our normal diet, because we don’t have the time to prepare the right foods every day. Store bought vitamins don’t work well because they are mostly not absorbed by the body. There are companies (I’m looking into Herbalife) that make a multi-vitamin that gets absorbed directly into the bloodstream. Worth looking into.

      You can follow these guidelines even if you are battling depression. Getting your body healthy will help with the depression. 50 lbs seems like a lot. But I personally know several people who have lost over 100 lbs through proper nutrition and exercise. It took them about a year. Many of them plateaued until they got the nutrition piece in place.

      If you are looking for a really fun form of aerobic exercise with a built-in family-like support system, try a dedicated Zumba club. I belong to two of them, and they have changed my life.



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      • aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

        well for insulin resistance/prediabetes and/or adrenal fatigue and/or subclinical hypothyroidism, some of those things are not good.
        a big big big thing is keeping blood sugar LEVEL at allll times. all the issues i listed subvert that need. stress/depression–>high cortisol–>fat storage–>adrenal fatigue. high cortisol–>fat storage. its not just diet.
        another example: insomnia–>high cortisol–>fat storage–>adrenal fatigue. Insomnia is not affected by herbal tea or melatonin or valerian. i have taken OTC pills even & they simply force me under for 2 hrs max. i have resisted Rx pills as A) some just dont work B)too many are addictive C) some give awful dreams & keep u foggy all day. At this point I think i am willing to try IF i cud get my md to agree to try some on me….then I cud go to sleep wen i want, get good sleep and get up wen i need and BE RESTED and functional (wat an idea lol) i cud exercise better and more consistently…i am living with built in babysitters so i cud get up at 6am and go walk at the very least. i have only done it for 9 days now becuz i cant sleep. i am about to crash from lack of sleep *and* the increased activity but i pushed myself to do it thinking it wud help my insomnia eventually. it does help, but not enough. so at this point im just increasing my cortisol which…—>fat storage. ya gotta love my body.
        actually exercise does not affect my body AT ALL. i can exercise religiously for MONTHS and not lose an ounce…ask me how i know lol. (ive tried it several times, along with a better diet, it was not just a fluke once). until i get physiologically right i just get some muscles built under my fat, but weight does not budge.
        when i say kill myself getting well, i dont mean exercising crazy…first off, that wud just increase my cortisol and that—>fat storage. i mean not being able to have more than limited amounts of carbs. wen strawberries are in season but i can have only 1c for the next 5 hours, its just sad 🙁 one reason being i self-medicate with food and carbs are of course my favorite. i dont mean junk food or even breads/grains. i mean whole, intact carbs: starchy vegs, fruit, beans. i cant eat but moderately of those. steelcut oats, cracked wheat, rice, frozen corn, barley cooked in broth–even these are rare.
        as ive said, once u get over the first few days, u dont CRAVE junk/sugar/even these but having to deny myself sometimes is hard. esp if my life is shitty at the time. first time i did it, the spath still lived with us. ROFL wat a waste of my time! my stress was so high its amazing i didnt blow up into pieces from trying to be good to myself! that is classic me. to try my hardest and have the opposite outcome desired.
        i do eat lots of protein, and fat–horrors! lol–and check my bld sugar to see if i shud eat b4 exercising (exercise is more than a 30 min walk). by eat i mean 15-20g of carb with some protein/fat. only if its low would i eat. i eat brkfst wen i get done. protein bars and packaged shakes are awful. most of the bars are rly carb bars and/or made with soy. soy is not a food for humans. period.
        the only supplements i take (obviously right now i can afford none) are whole foods…cod liver oil, not EFAs, Vit A and Vit D…acerola powder/camu berries, not Vit C…raw milk, pastured eggs and meat, not CLA and Vit K2…tinctured herbs, not powders in a pill. the raw food/”wholefood” pills grown on yeast are still just isolated nutrients fed to the yeast, synergism is a huge thing. cud go on at length as to why all this stuff, but wont here.
        i listed all this stuff for ppl reading it. hormonal issues are a HUGE problem for the USA and spreading to the rest of the world. add the stress of the spath and often the resultant inability to afford to do what is right when u are out of the hell…and u need to know how to do it very very very cheap. the easiest way is correct food and basic exercise. i have videos i use and some wgts for my arms. i need equipment tho for my legs to lift SIGH a gym is out of my reach but fast, extended walking helps! (an hour would be ideal)



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  7. Windy says:

    Ok!!! I have not posted in awhile.. I have been really trying to work my spirituality out with myself and feel good about me.. and working on that… I only give someone power. If I let them.. I have a huge delema tonight…To cut to the chase… I did no contact.. and he kept coming back in phone.. same as everyone else… Last month I have not been answering… On my birthday last wednesday, he called to wish me a happy birthday.. I did not answer… he left a message, saying… No need to call back..Just wanted to wish me a happy B-day and he was respecting my wishes… not to talk to him.. Like he always says.. and calls 2 weeks after… anyway.. 2 days later, he called again.. I seen his # and didnt answer.. no message.. No word since then…Which is fine.. I been feeling uneasy this whole last week, with nothing to back it up.. so thought it was just me…Being Paranoid.. and maybe drama.. I been praying…to God.. that I dont understand, why I am so paranoid, and looking over my shoulder day and night.. Why is this?? But I feel it…So again… I think.. Its just me…And I blame my resistance for whatever reason.. for being to strong.. And still… I dont understand why.. My gut feeling is strong.. and nothing to back it up with… Must b me.. Soooo I came home tonight.. and found the grossest thing ever…I gotta get this out.. Someone.. was in my apartment today…And did a #2 in my bathroom and didnt flush…gross… Trust me… It wasnt me..Not like that…I havent even done that in a couple days… But yet I am here right now…back tracking…my thoughts that didnt happen…My security door lock has been changed the last month.. but apartment not… because of that… He is a sherrif detective.. Just saying to make the story clear… 2 months ago.. I went out for dinner with my girlfriend.. Had my winter jacket and cell on me..because I was on call for work… My friend seen my phone… During dinner… we met up with people we havent seen in awhile and had a great time.. When I was ready to come home.. My Jacket was gone and my phone..I thought someone took my jacket on accident etc.. Happens… but when I got home.. My Jacket was hanging on my chair at the kitchen table.. with my phone in the pocket.. I freaked…First… I never have my cell in my pocket.. and I went home freezing…and dont EVER hand jackets on my chairs…I second guessed myself again… Can happen.. but… I know me..Tried to talk to family… They say…I must of done that..I know I didnt.. but accepted it and let it go… Until tonight…This crap happens always.. during the silent treatments… Last message I left him.. was to never talk to me forever.. and he made me sick…Sooooo.. Please get in my face if it needs to be done.. because I am trying real hard… to let this go.. and move on.. I feel good, and then little things happen, that I cant prove nothing… But only I know… and I freak out… and confirms my uneasy.. gut feelings I been having for no Outward reason to have them… This just sux.. I have a good job..I am smart and left him,. because I could read his crap.. and I Know he is seeing other women or woman… because I feel it… I know who I am.. However… I am putting myself out here for constructive critism or the truth… I have had enough…I want peace….Ugh!!!



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    • aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

      CHANGE ur cell number.
      MOVE. As FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. hes a cop, ur completely fair game as long as he knows where u are or has an “in” with the system…probably several counties wide. you need to go far…lose ur job? probably. he knows where u work anyway, rite?

      but u already know u shud do this. the question is, why wont u?
      do u want to live like a Lifetime movie anymore? that shyt u wrote about is the stuff to make u looney-bin material!!

      its not fair u shud lose everything, ur whole life. HE’S the prick who’s looney-bin rite now! but lifes not fair.
      AND u can have a better life. hard to believe. but a better one.



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