Editor’s note: The following letter was received from a Lovefraud reader named Paula.
I must say that I felt physically “sick” hearing all of the just disgusting ways in which Lance violated boundaries with his poor girlfriend despite her very obviously courageous attempts to “protect” herself with all those promissory notes.
By the end of the story, it was predictable that expecting him to write his life insurance policy over to her in order to pay her back would never happen. I could almost see him laughing at that, which made me literally feel sick.
In my case, with my pilot friend, I felt physically “poisoned” … almost the same feeling I witnessed in both of my parents when they were dying from cancer. I felt literally exhausted in a way that I NEVER felt before or after. That’s when I knew viscerally how dangerous my pilot friend must be. I believe he is capable of literally anything because of the way he thinks.
But he’s so nice
Our mutual friends think he is the most polite, quiet, calm, man they ever met DESPITE what they read in his emails to me and witnessed him say to me . The level of deception is so uncanny that he could literally say to them that he will be killing them momentarily and they wouldn’t flinch because of the “way” that he says it.
He was ALWAYS much calmer and nicer in front of others than when alone with me, even though his words were very mean in front of them too, but his demeanor masked the meanness. All my friends said he had such a nice smile and beautiful blue eyes.
Dead shark-like eyes
I have beautiful blue eyes and compared to his, mine are clear and fresh and his have always looked beady and dead to me. The best analogy I can give — and it is a visceral one — is that he “feels” like a shark.
I swam with 6 foot harmless reef sharks in Tahiti and the way they circled and approached “felt” the same way EXACTLY. It was clear that if they wanted to eat me and not just display curiosity that all of us tourists would be just fresh meat in seconds.
He actually once said that for him, women were “fresh meat.” It made me sick, and although I never slept with him, I always felt that he thought HE was in control of that, not me, which made me feel emotionally raped.
I was discarded as a friend VERY rapidly when I stood up for myself, but I also suffered a devastating loss of the person who very clearly portrayed himself to be my best friend.
The greatest loss that I felt, and I still feel this sometimes, even though the cognitive dissonance has been otherwise resolved, is that he was the funniest man I ever met.
We did have a chemistry that very uniquely came from his sadistic humor, but I thought it was so funny because it was NOT real. Who knows if for him it was real stories of sick things he did? It was as if for me I was on a fun roller coaster, but he was on the same one and was really maybe going to fall off the tracks.
The silent treatment
After six months of friendship, he started giving me the silent treatment. This lasted a year. I am very leery because now I am getting mean texts saying, “Disregard. Wrong number.” Which doesn’t make sense in a text.
My birthday is unfortunately the exact same day as his. I am somehow afraid of him even though there was not any physical abuse when we were interacting. He honestly gives me the creeps and always has in a way, but the humor always took me off guard before. Now, I am afraid to be “off guard” even for a moment.
I just wanted to share with you the physical feeling of “poisoning” I felt long after he started the silent treatment. Just the thought of him makes me feel “sick.”
I am finding that after all the reading and understanding, the only way to feel physically great, like I did before, is to have “no contact” even in a thought. In fact, one blog I read said that real “no contact” means not even a thought.
I am getting to the point of intentionally redirecting every thought that happens to pop into my head because there really is NO answer, no way to fix him, no way to fix “it,” and no way to fix even me as long as me includes even a single thought about him. It’s as if even the thought is “poison,” even if it is a bad thought about him.
He just resonates “bad vibes” and “evil,” if you will. I never believed in evil before, but if there is evil, I was looking straight at it.
I felt this when I got the first mean text a few weeks ago – the first communication from him in a year. After I stopped emailing and months went by where he didn’t get an email from me, he started texting, but it was all the same mean texts saying, “Disregard. Wrong number.”
I had always thought it would feel good to hear from him one day, but instead I started to panic and I checked all my doors and locked them right away. THIS was the real visceral reaction that spoke volumes to me. I DO feel afraid of him. My friends think I am being paranoid. I really don’t think so, and if I am, who cares, at least I’ll be safe.
Trusting my gut
I am VERY VERY sorry that you experienced this disgusting man you were with and reading about Lance Larabee also made me feel viscerally sick. They are MORE than very mentally sick. They are the essence of “badness,” because it is rooted in who they are, their personality.
It still feels shocking that these people, or reptiles as some websites call them, are as “bad” as they are. It is just unconscionable, inconceivable.
I have read Hervey Cleckley’s Mask of Sanity and EVERY one of his cases is inside my ex-friend. It is as if he is ALL of them encased in one person.
I just KNOW he is dangerous and I can’t “shake ” that feeling. So, I trust that my gut feeling has got to be right. Whenever I suspected something about him, I always found out that not only was it true, but that it was really magnified 100 times over what I suspected.
It is inconceivable that the same man who could literally make me pee my pants laughing at a moments’ notice is now “the boogeyman” in my mind. That means he’s evil and bad and dangerous no matter what he could ever attempt to say or do