lf1

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I loved him and supported him … all while he was lying, cheating and using me

Editor’s note: The following letter was received from a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Nicolette.” Names have been changed.

I met “Jackson” online. I wasn’t looking for a relationship exactly, just checking to see what was out there. He was the very first person to message me and he was exactly my type. We became Facebook friends and chatted for a couple days he seemed to have all the same interests – art, music, travel, etc. He seemed to have lived an interesting life as a touring musician in some well known bands.

Now, he had just moved back to Florida, bought a house, and was building a recording studio in his home. That was his big new venture and he was confident with his connections and talents he would succeed.

Stood up for the first date

He actually stood me up the first time we were going to meet. I should have run then, but he apologized profusely made excuses and I agreed to go out with him. On the second date he was just going on about himself and I felt like he wasn’t making good eye contact so I up and left him. He was shocked I’d do that, apologized and begged me to see him again. We had a great time and saw each other frequently for about two weeks.

Please leave!

Then one night he just closed down and asked me to leave his house for no reason. I felt confused and tried to talk to him and he just walked away and asked me to leave. I did not hear from him for another two weeks. He would not respond to phone calls or texts.

He did contact me and again he apologized profusely and convinced me it was because he was so stressed out from the studio being built that he was letting that get in the way of us. We began to see each other a few times per week everything seemed great, except occasionally he would just shut down or accuse me of being too needy.

I lent him money

All I wanted was to spend time with him and I was very supportive of what he was doing. He kept blaming money problems. He was supposed to have investment money from a property coming in, but it was taking a bit longer. That is when I first offered to help if he paid me back. So I lent him money.

Studio partners

Right away he began to say we are partners in this venture, this studio and started talking about our future. I was going away to Amsterdam and Switzerland for work, and I invited him to join me. I paid for it. The studio still needed some work and he was broke, so I gave him more money, with the promise that I would get a percentage of the studio once it was up and running.

Met the parents

Time passed. We had what seemed like a great relationship. I met his parents who loved me, and I became close with his mother. Except every once in awhile he’d retreat and need space, and somehow make me feel like I was smothering him.

Then he would apologize and come back with another excuse about stress or anxiety and money issues. Maybe that time it was a need for a new laptop, or headphones, or whatever. I just kept buying whatever he needed. He never came out and asked for it, but he knew at this point if he mentioned it, I would take care of it.

Tweets and Facebook

A mutual friend told me that he had tweeted that he was having beers with his ex. I don’t have Twitter so I wouldn’t have seen it. When I asked him about it he said it was an ex band mate and that he was appalled that I’d think he was stupid enough to post something like that online. So I let it go.

After a while I wanted to have our Facebook statuses say we were in a relationship, which he was hesitant about but eventually did. But only made it visible to me and his parents. I know this now.

Building a future together

We loved Amsterdam so I took us back again. This is when he professed his love to me, and  when we started talking about moving in and a future. He met my daughter and she loved him. He wanted to start introducing her into his life slowly because he’s not a kid person, but said he loved me and wanted to love her too.

More money

Next, he needed a car but had no credit, so he convinced me to sign for it and promised he’d pay for it. So we bought him a car. He never made one payment.

As time went on he needed more money for bills and what not. He was always stressed about money and work, and said if he could just make more money we could spend more time together. He even had me pay off clients so he didn’t have to do their albums. He has never finished one that I know of.  There was always some excuse why; someone else did something etc.

The ex-girlfriend

Now, if you recall that tweet I mentioned, I was really suspicious about that so I contacted his ex-girlfriend. She not only confirmed they met, she also sent me screen shots of him trying to get back with her. He convinced me they were Photoshopped. Even his mom got involved and said I was out of line to believe his ex, because she was crazy.

Talking marriage

I never believed they were Photoshopped. But I did forgive him, because that’s when he asked me to marry him. He seemed genuinely upset and in love, and said when he thought I was leaving, it felt like all his love and comfort were leaving too.

His father is a preacher and he asked him to marry us in Key West in March. His mom cried. I felt like it was so genuine.

Backing out

A week later he decided he didn’t want to be a family man and broke up with me. He dropped off the car at my apartment and didn’t talk to me for a week, despite my pleas.

Eventually he did talk to me, and said that it was me that was doing this and I was so lucky he loved me and would put up with it. He said I was awful to him, and he had never been spoken to by anyone the way I spoke to him.

Well, I was pissed and not so nice. Mostly I told him I was worth more than the way he was treating me and he was a jerk, which is really how I felt because clearly he was backing out of every promise he had made to me.

Back together

We got back together but it seemed like every week he would need space, and when I’d question it he’d shut down and tell me he needed time to cool off and if I loved him I’d give him time.

So like a little kid I got put in time out and had to suffer as he took the time he needed. Then he’d come back and say he’d give me another chance because he loved me and I was so lucky because no one else would have given me so many chances. He’d say we want the same things — the promise of a future life together, being partners, and parents to my daughter. We started looking for houses together, convincing me to spend money as an investment in “us.”

Texting other women

There were some shady text messages to him that I saw. One from a girl that said, “Oh I see how you really feel about me if you can’t text me back.”  He’d make up an excuse like, “she got jumped, and is pissed because I didn’t want to get into the drama. She’s just a friend.”

There was another girl who texted him that he claimed was a former friend and crazy who still wanted him. He said he’d tell her to stop right in front of me. When he did she wrote back but he immediately erased it so I couldn’t see it. I don’t know what it said, but it doesn’t matter; it was obviously something he did not want me to see.

Dumped

I started moving all my stuff into his house and then one day I found a compact in his room. I asked him about it and he tried to say it was mine and it clearly wasn’t.

A few days before some girl tagged him in a post on Facebook, saying something like, “I love my babies.” I was suspicious so I contacted her. She denied anything, but she told him I contacted her and then he dumped me on my BIRTHDAY, which was the next day.

He said he needed a couple days so AGAIN, like I always did, I gave him a few days, then I contacted him. He said if I can’t give him the time he needs to forget the horrible way I treat him then we have to call it quits. Then it quickly spiraled into I hate you. I don’t love you, etc. I was so confused. He dropped off all my stuff in the car in the middle of the night and dropped my art off on my porch, too cowardly to see me.

STD

I had been having some pain so I went to the doctor and they confirmed I had chlamydia. I had only been with him over the ten months we were together. We never used protection. Before that I was with my ex husband of 10 years.

He blocked me from everything — email, phone, Facebook — but I felt a moral obligation to tell him. So I made a new email and told him about the STD (sexually transmitted disease).

He said he was suspicious that I was cheating on him, so he had gone to get checked and he doesn’t have anything. He said I must have gotten it from somewhere else, which is crap, because I loved him with all my heart and soul and would never cheat.

So I know he was lying about getting checked because he clearly has it. I obviously was treated and it’s gone, but he’s out there spreading it around. He said he was 99.9% sure I cheated during one of my “Jackson is bad” moments, which is laughable.

He has a way of turning everything on me and saying “YOU did this.” I always questioned whether I really was the awful monster he said I was.

Lying. Cheating. Using. Over!

He also told me he spoke with his ex, and found out I was lying about a whole bunch of things, but he wouldn’t tell me what. I knew that couldn’t be true because I never lied to him. I loved him and supported him financially and emotionally … all while he was lying to me, cheating on me and using me.

 



19 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I loved him and supported him … all while he was lying, cheating and using me"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. fightingtoforgive says:

    This is pretty typical–if there is such a thing for such insidious malevolence. Your story had a lot of the traits that mine began with. You must remember that they are masters of “the hook” and what we believe is them “really listening to us and understanding us like no one else ever took the time to do” is them studying us to find the weakest area in which to strike and use to their advantage. They manipulate and maneuver..PERIOD. What strikes me about a lot of these stories on here is the higher intellect of the women these men seem to target. They seem to like the independent type so they can twist them into a dependent state, the highly empathetic type so they can use their “sob stories” to justify their actions, and those women who are pretty self-assured and driven to be successful, so they can ride their coat-tails, bilk their money, and be looked upon favorably by others–just by association. Any way you slice it, it is extortion, exploitation, waste, sloth and complete and utter COWARDICE.

    I’ve not reached yet the pinnacle of my healing from this life-sucking experience (even after 3 years), as I find myself seething with anger and resentment every time I suffer financial crisis connected to maintaining the home that we bought together, that he sabotaged and walked away from like it was nothing, that I continue to honor my (as well as HIS) financial commitments to keep while he is flitting off across the country because that is how far he had to go to escape his actions…which around here, began to COME BEFORE HIM. He needed a new “base-camp” to operate out of-one without question or suspicion–where nobody really “knows” him. His MO is to have a “steady” live-in where there is a steady narcissistic supply just in case the adrenaline rush he is seeking or maintaining outside just doesn’t do it for him..if you think about it…there is an adrenaline rush in itself JUST going out behind the back of the one who trusts him so much at home-so THIS keeps it steady at least. They use this “homey” to build their base-image–business contacts, social contacts and then they branch out from there–only their intention is never to IMPROVE themselves or SUCCEED in anything other than sabotaging and destroying any success of anyone they become involved with.

    High-minded and character-driven individuals are the IDEAL kill…as these predators operate too far beneath the capabilities of their prey to even comprehend that it is happening. I remember thinking…this was pulled off so far beneath me that I didn’t recognize what was even happening…UNTIL the floor beneath me gave out, and by that time, there is NO reasoning to be found…other than..this is pure, insidious evil. It comes from the underground, ever-calculating the most effective way to grab you at your ankles and yank you into its hell without you ever feeling its shackles. We tend to take the “high road” of forgiveness, second, third, well, let’s face it ENDLESS chances, we make excuses FOR them…by the time our controlled actions confirm for them that we are ALLOWING our integrity to be walked all over and ruled by the now (unbeknownst to us)dependency they have created by all of the love-bombing and profession of how they love you above ANYONE ever and how YOU are the SPECIAL one who has changed their life, helped them heal from their childhood woes or lack of love and attention…TO YOUR FACE..they now have placed you in a position to incessantly attend to that “miracle” you manifested so that your self-esteem and self-worth is completely connected to THAT instead of any dreams, goals, or intention you had for your own life.

    I COMPLETELY understand what he is, what he looks to achieve, and completely understand as well that THEY never have ANYTHING to lose…nothing is important to them..at all. It is all about the gain here..their gain..which is even the scariest thing of all…they never gain ANYTHING of any value..it is all a temporary and/or fragmented existence bent more upon stripping others while gaining nothing–over and over and over again.

    THERE IS indeed something missing in these people…scientists and/or physicians will tell you it is a part of their brain that just doesn’t fire correctly or that is something missing within that space of the brain. Don’t know…don’t care. I know enough to know that I had a Lucifer hanging out in my heaven trying to find out my secrets, build an army of minions in my own kingdom to overthrow me…and when he was found out…I hurled his ass back down where he belongs and out of my heaven…but he ever roams the earth, collecting followers, minions, and legions to do his bidding because his understanding is SO limited that an underbelly cowardly existence is all he is capable of. In once stood in awe of his “beauty” where he gained charge of my “angels” (opportunities)…but what EVERYONE in this situation needs to understand is this: WE CREATE THEIR existence, their beauty, their importance…because quite frankly, they are completely incapable of making anything of themselves. Honestly, the story of Lucifer if you see and understand it from a metaphoric standpoint is a chillingly accurate depiction of this phenomenon. I recommend a read of it and tell me if you cannot see the truth in it.



    Report this comment

    • hinahina says:

      F2F, incredibly well-put discussion of the antics of the disordered!

      Yes, these types are really so amazingly bizzarre, they are wasters of resources and they leave wakes of sadness.

      Why?

      We will never know but it somehow–in the recesses of their chaotic minds–works for them!

      Our “Kook Management System”?

      1) identify early and often. Be aware!

      2) limit the disordered one’s influence in your life!

      3) step away from the kook. Distance yourself and recover, rebuild, and remain aware!

      Love to All!



      Report this comment

      • Em says:

        Oh my goodness – a kook. That’s a perfect label; I know he’s delusional and crazy, but kook says it all. It seems ironic that all these people have so much in common. My life was so isolated except for him….now that he’s gone, I feel so alone. I’m off the roller coater and I don’t know how to function. While I crave being drawn back in I know it will only lead to be hurt again, and the cycle would begin all over. I’m 53 now and have wasted 3 years trying to be perfect, do as much as he asked and go above & beyond and now I’m exhausted. I feel as though I’m a shell of a person. I look out and don’t’ feel I have too many people in my life. It’s a daunting reality knowing I have to give it up, it is a poison, toxin, addition, but its the only way if I’m too be well again.

        Thanks for sharing & listening,
        Em



        Report this comment

    • OpalRose says:

      FtF – awesome post – I really needed to read this right now. They twist, use and ride their homies and their activities are so far beneath our awareness that we never suspect. They also actively work at hiding their true nature. I read elsewhere that their anxiety goes crazy when they think their source of supply is being taken away. That’s why they are always on the prowl for anything available.

      Taking care of them rather than attending to our own goals, intentions and dreams. Wow – putting it that way clarifies why I am numb much of the time. It’s not me – it’s the façade sapping my energy. I agree about Lucifer and it gives me a way to perceive these people. Thank you.



      Report this comment

    • bren3160 says:

      You explained this incredibly even as I am typing this my sociopath is emailing about How I turned our 19 year old son against him. even though he has smoked crack and had at least 50 jobs moved 10 times and despite it all taken him back a hundred times cause he needs “his family” never even speaks to our son when hes in the house. But I finally had enough and I am “the evil bitch who put the wedge” like my son can’t think for himself since he was 10 how crazy he is…



      Report this comment

      • gettin strong says:

        I know exactly what you mean. My daughter has not spoken to her father since oct. and vowels never to do so. He says it is my fault, as if he wasn’t the one who mistreated her and was violent with her, and then lied to the police saying she attacked him and almost had her arrested. Told me later…well, I had to say those things to the police, or they would have arrested me! OMG only thinkin of himself with no remorse of the lies he told or how he could have ruined her life. She is 19 and has been upset with his wrong doings since she was 12. I wish I could take my kids pain away. I wish I could have seen him for the monster he is, and got away from him a long time ago. It’s just that when he was sweet, he was sooo sweet. such a charmer and complete con artist



        Report this comment

    • MissMabel says:

      This is the FIRST time EVER that I am writing and i find myself more than a little afraid as i have been rendered voiceless and invisible for so long now that even i question my own existence….so here it is at risk of proving Him AND HER correct that i simply do not exist and my NEED to be heard….my NEED for even minimal validation….my story is yet “ongoing” because MY Marriage is just that…MINE Alone….I had a Sociopath “best friend” and still am legally married to a Sociopath…..he and the “trusted best friend” joined forces in Every way and would “tag team” Criticize,Judge…YELL AT ME and both pointing their fingers and calling ME CRAZY as they COURTED Each other IN MY FACE and YES I TOOK PICTURES and i still have them!!!….it is almost a year and a half since I ESCAPED what surely would have been my DEMISE as THEIR Intended GOAL was my Suicide but alas,my will to LIVE was greater than even i knew and i am now 850miles away and only JUST has the shock of the Magnitude of their MONSTROUS behavior and treatment(maltreatment)of me begun to RESURFACE…they had me so depleted on EVERY LEVEL yet even in this moment i find myself still questioning “can THIS be True?”…YEP THIS Moment is WHY I took all those HUNDREDS of Painful Pictures because it’s PALPABLE….they were so SELF ABSORBED and Entitled and ME so EXCLUDED as to question my own existence that they ENJOYED all my PICTURE taking…it is only recently that i REVISTED ALL those pictures and NOW they ain’t so HAPPY about them as they both continue LYING Calling ME CRAZY…SMEAR Campaign up North but I digress because it is fighttoforgive who has ARTICULATED MY Answer to this ALL CONSUMING Question of “why do i care??…why am I so attached still in the face of the Truth of him,them and us??”….the answer being the “MIRACLE”…the one i RELENTLESSLY ATTENDED to my own detriment and my memory being,finally and once again,CRYSTAL CLEAR and Sharp as a TACK as i recall pivotal MOMENTS…particular PHRASES used specific DATES and MUTUAL EXCUSES and LIES that i ALWAYS Addressed DIRECTLY and IMMEDIATELY with them both invariably leading to rounds of RAGING AT ME to Deflect my attention and to create confusion and distortion “THEY” Violently Berated me RELENTLESSLY DAILY and it took my husband having deliberately MISLEAD Me about “us” and “our” marriage for a YEAR after my driving away before my psyche even dared THINK about “them” together again and YES I DID Address them BOTH IMMEDIATELY with the same result LIES VERBAL Attacks attempts at Blame shifting though i had spent enough hours researching that i could PINPOINT Tactics they VAINLY Attempted on me of course i only had one Single phone call with the “she-path” and she HUNG up in my face..from my husband only emails and even then it was HER WRITING Them as if i do not know the voices of MY HUSBAND and “best friend” or DIFFERENCES thereof…HolyMoly I am rambling at the imagination of being HEARD….I mean…I am living with the original she-path in my life…my Mother which is why i can SEE “best friend” so CLEARLY….either way…my MOTHER has consistently INVALIDATED and Minimized my Narcissopath experiences and damages as a result as she has for 44 YEARS!!!….there lies the SEED bthat led me into the Narcissopath NEST i was LIVING IN and Married to for almost the last DECADE….i think that i will maybe become brave enough to share MY Story with Lovefraud sooner than later as just writing here now has moved MOUNTAINS of Blockage in my progress to Understand and therefor to HEAL the psychic wound originally received in EARLY Childhood….so fightingtoforgive the “miracle” that YOU once ATTENDED instead of attending Yourself was NOT IN VAIN because it IS a MIRACLE for ME NOW….in Articulation and in Understanding of MY OWN Experience and continued ATTACHMENT….continued Grief….continued Disbelief but NO MORE…something in your turn of phrase…metaphor has made THAT Tactic TANGIBLE thereby rendering it IMPOTENT in my Psyche….hahahahahahhaaa…..Hallelujah!!!….AMEN!!!…and Thank You more than you know in This moment but there is time….



      Report this comment

  2. kaya48 says:

    I also compare my soon to be ex husband to the story of Lucifer. My soon to be ex was not able to walk by a mirror without looking at himself. He thought he was the most beautiful thing existing on earth. Often I was told that I should be thankful for having such a handsome husband. I also call the “women” supply of his “minions”. I am so glad I do not have to deal with this anymore. I cannot believe he subjected me to the risk if sexual diseases as his mistress was very “popular” with men. Luckily I came out ok. That is the game they play. They put themselves above God.
    One other interesting story is that the meaning of Satan is “The Accuser”. And aren’t they perfect at accusing and blaming others. That shows that they are pure evil.
    I escaped my 20 years hell. Recovery has not been easy but now after 10 months I am great. I don’t ask why this has happened anymore. The most important aspect to all of this is that I escaped it and I am still standing strong.



    Report this comment

    • fightingtoforgive says:

      You are very fortunate my dear to be “great” after only 10 months. They usually leave little “gifts that keep on giving” behind..such is the case with me..and then fester up into a boil every now and again…lol. It’s been 3 years for me, and I still wouldn’t consider myself great. I have been completely single for the entire 3 months, and have noticed that ANY man who takes ANY notice of me, tries to talk to me, ask me out..I RUN. I cannot look them in the eyes…I look away as I talk and I look “past” them when they talk. I’m not really sure if it is a trust issue or if it is a fear of that kind of attention issue. In any event, I’m definitely scarred.



      Report this comment

  3. Baffled says:

    So many of the stories sound so familiar to my own experience. Without going in to detail at this point can anyone explain or point me to an article that helps me understand HOW IS IT POSSIBLE that they really don’t love!?!

    I have read several articles that say his love for me was not real and that I was just a pawn in his game but how is this truly possible? I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around this aspect.

    It is inconceivable to me that he never loved me, at all.

    I wish he could feel the pain that is burning through my heart. But apparently they feel nothing, eh?

    Truly,
    I’m Baffled.



    Report this comment

    • kaya48 says:

      Baffled,
      For me it was also uncomprehendable to know that my husband never loved me for 20plus years. I now know that he was and always will be unable to love. Not love that “normal” people feel and show. My entire marriage was an illusion. My son and I fit the image and he was portraying us as a “normal” family. He left us almost a year ago. In that time I have learned so much about narcissism and sociopaths. My therapist helped me along, also this website. A person who is capable to inflict so much pain on a person they claim to love, is a selfish coward. I was discarded after I caught him in his affair with his coworker ,half his age. When I think back now I am astonished that I believed all of his lies. But I was so manipulated that I was “addicted” and used to his behavior. I finally had enough last July. After he claimed once more that I was “mentally ill” and crazy I filed for divorce. I put an end to it by cutting of all contact with him. He cannot push my buttons anymore. It’s over and I am thankful he has new narcissistic supply. It took me a few months to become stronger. Now I am at peace. Yes, he lied and betrayed me, but I survived. The future looks bright because he is not a part of this family anymore. My son and I are perfectly fine and happy without him. At one point you will not question “why” anymore. Once you are at the acceptance stage it will get easier. Stay strong.



      Report this comment

    • fightingtoforgive says:

      This is a normal phase honey. It is because YOU have empathy, you have compassion, you have the ability to give without expecting anything in return. I would better spend my time KNOWING what this proves about YOU rather than waste another minute on how it is possible for anyone to be this way. I did the same thing…and the fact of the matter is this…understanding it does not change it. It is what it is, it cannot and will not be changed…but YOU can’t wrap your head around it because YOU are NOT one of them. Be grateful and love yourself.



      Report this comment

  4. Dave says:

    Baffled,

    I think it depends on what is wrong with them,,sociopath I believe is one who doesn’t really have feelings of love, I believe my wife is a borderline personality disorder, which ive read they can love but its very hard to maintain a relationship as they go through engulfement phases and push you away, then feel abandoned and pull you back, they are paranoid and have extreme mood swings, they convince themselves and others of their lies and justify all their actions and always blame the partner for everything to maintain this perfect self image because they have huge fears of rejection/abandonment/being judged, I believe my wife has truly cared about me and our kids, but she refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong with her, she blames it all on me, and she wont go get help, we are currently split up again, she kicks me out once a year every year, 90% of the time its around the holidays like this time.

    I have to wonder if something happened sometime in her life around the holidays that causes her to do this? She will find something to fight with me about, or she will actually go do something that will get me angry so we can fight, this will go on for a week then she will kick me out around thanksgiving or Christmas, im usually back with her in a month, its been 5 weeks this time, im not going back unless she gets help as well as allows me to co-own our house and business, but that will never happen as she will lose all her control and shes scared to lose control.

    These relationships are very stressful and tiring, pure madness.



    Report this comment

  5. Stargazer says:

    Clearly, the guy in the article is a sociopath. But here is where personal responsibility in spotting red flags comes in.

    “He actually stood me up the first time we were going to meet.”

    Okay, I’ve done a lot of internet dating. I recall one time the guy never showed up. He later called saying he’d been stuck in traffic. I didn’t have a cell phone so there was no way to contact me. My response? “Sorry, you had ONE chance to make a good first impression.” And I was done with him. Even if I’d had a cell phone and he’d called, I would have been done. If a man is lucky enough to get a date with a woman on the internet, he should treat the date like gold. He should bend over backwards to be there on time and make a good impression. Back in the early days of my internet dating, I was supposed to meet up with a guy who called me THREE times to ask for my address. I continued to give the guy chances and he turned out to be disordered. Before we even met, he called me in the middle of the night to ask if I would come out to some parking lot to help him jump his car. RED FLAG. Needless to say, there was never a first date. I called it off. After discussing the situation with a guy friend, the guy friend told me…..if a woman gives you her address, it is like gold. He shouldn’t lose it. This was my own responsibility that I gave this guy two more chances. Looking back now, I realized how much I longed to have the fantasy that he presented over the phone – the odd connection I felt with him. I wanted it so badly that I overlooked the red flags.

    “On the second date he was just going on about himself and I felt like he wasn’t making good eye contact so I up and left him.”

    This is the purpose for the in-person meetings – so you can see what kind of person he is. This guy showed you poor his character twice now. I would never have gone out on a second date with this guy, especially after being stood up.

    “We had a great time and saw each other frequently for about two weeks. Then one night he just closed down and asked me to leave his house for no reason.”

    I’m assuming here that you slept with him during this two-week period. There is a really good reason NOT to sleep with someone right away, especially if you’ve seen other red flags. Once you sleep with a man you are bonded to him, if you are like the majority of women.

    The most common response I often see on a post like this is “stay away from online dating.” But really, it is our responsibility to weed out men who have poor character. In this case, it was glaring right from the start. Whether he turned out to be a sociopath, a narcissist, or just an insensitive jerk as he appeared from the start, we need to ask ourselves WHY did we keep giving this guy chances? What was it inside of US that felt so lonely or had such a great need that we overlooked the glaring red flags? This is where the healing comes in. Online dating is not so bad if you look for red flags. I’m not saying EVERY sociopath is obvious from the start, but this guy certainly was.



    Report this comment

  6. hinahina says:

    Agreed with Kaya.

    I’ve decided that in order to save time I will devote effort in assessing the character traits that the disordered types display.

    Therefore, I’ve developed some “litmus tests” that give clear and quick indicators of kookiness.

    You can create your own, as I’ve done, as a form of self defense if not entertainment with a purpose.

    This type of field testing of random entities (i. e. guys you meet. Women, too. They also exist) requires proper attention and good observation skills.

    You might look for :

    Speaking abusively about ex’s

    Telling stories that seem “off”

    Too much self-chatter, “glib and superficial charm”

    Seeming needy. Idolizes you. (Love bombing)

    …and so forth.

    In other words, become familiar with the character traits of the disordered, then watch people–all people–and see how some people seem to display the pity plays and hooking techniques, manipulative games and disappearing acts, etc!

    This attention is a worthy tool that can keep you safe, so do your homework and start on your kook-averting toolbox today!

    Be well, everyone!



    Report this comment

  7. Baffled says:

    Thank you so much for your thoughts and stories and shared experience. They mean a lot and are helping to know I’m not alone. Thanks again.



    Report this comment

  8. serenity12 says:

    In reference to the STD I can totally relate!! We were “exclusive” for about 6 months and I contracted an STD. Before him I was single so I had slept with a couple people since my last pap. I told the other 2 guys first(who are actually friends) and they both went out that same day and said they didn’t have it….I told my spath and it took him a week to “go get tested” because he was busy with work. When he went to get “tested” he came back and said it was negative….then he continued to question my loyalty!!! I told him about the 2 men I have slept with. Since that time he would OBSESS that I slept with them while we were together….so effed.



    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.