Editor’s note: The following letter was received from a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Arabella.” Names have been changed.
I’ve been searching and searching for someone who understands. However, for me it’s not a lover … but my older sister, who has taken great pleasure in trying to destroy me.
Strangely though, I’m wondering if my mother is also touched with psychopathy. Her emotional reactions to things are very questionable. When she’s been with me and my sister, mum has never raised an eyebrow at some of the REALLY awful provocations. My older brother has treated me like dirt on so many occasions. Mum sides with him no matter what he does. Mum also made a mistake of telling me how our father used to get upset with her because she never showed any emotions. However, she’s not as obvious as my sister so it’s still a question in my mind. It isn’t a question relating to my sister though.
Finding ways to make me feel and look bad
Eight years ago my sister informed me, point blank, that she’d been “finding as many different ways to make me look and feel as bad as she could whenever an opportunity came her way.” She’d been spinning lies about me to all our relatives too, to make them be not nice to me. She said she’d been doing the same to her husband and on reflection, I can see that she also does it to her younger daughter. My sister wasn’t telling me as an apology. She was just telling me.
Both of us were in our 40s. Prior to her telling me, I thought we were best friends, ringing each other numerous times a day for years. I’d stay with her for days and days when her husband was away. He eventually left but she managed to get him back.
She’s highly charismatic and very clever. She presents as a quiet type, pretending to be very gentle. Her main game (apart from other things) is to provoke. She does it so covertly, and then quickly mixes it with friendly charm again … just to leave you completely confused but still enamored with her.
Now that she knows no one in the family believes me, she’s really let her act down with me. She’s said and done some blood curdling things to me.
Devastated and destroyed
I’ve been devastated by it. My work life is destroyed … I’ve lost four jobs in the last two years. For 30 years before that, I had always been employed. My finances are only just okay because I have a boyfriend who kindly lets me live with him. I have NO family now, she’s turned them all against me. I must say though, I always used to feel very hurt and perplexed at how my aunts and uncles used to speak to me with such disdain, despite my efforts to be extremely helpful and polite with them over many years.
My whole sense of self worth and acceptance has not been developed properly from birth I’d say. Hence, my choice in friends and partners has always been under par. I’ve awoken to the fact that I’ve always attracted people to me who don’t treat me with respect or care. That’s all I’ve been used to and hence, surrounded myself with uncaring types. Plus, my choice in jobs has always been way under what I’m capable of, hence, I’m not a wealthy woman.
The spiritual healer and extra weight
I went to a spiritualist healer a couple of years ago. I hadn’t said anything to her about any of this when she said to me, “I can see your sister holding a gun against your heart since the day you were born. What’s that all about?” As you can imagine, I was blown away. It sent shivers down my spine.
I’ve put on a lot of weight due to being very depressed. I’ve lost interest in my hobbies (dance and music being the main ones). I couldn’t even listen to music for quite some time.
When it became apparent to me that my sister was doing the same to her younger daughter, I said to my sister, “Please, if you can’t stop doing it to me, at least stop doing it to Pamela.” Well, she immediately called her daughter over and provoked her into anger about something. Clearly demonstrating she had no intention of doing anything I said.
Strength vs victim strategy
I’ve tried showing strength rather than “victim” to my sister. The only theme I stick to whenever I’ve had to communicate with her is “I feel so sorry for everyone around you. You and I both know you’re a sociopath.” So I stick to that as opposed to trying to elicit anything from her. I can’t trust anything she says and I can’t trust what she does with anything I say either.
I can’t help but wonder if she is concerned about her sociopathy (psychopathy) being exposed by me. Maybe psychopaths don’t even care who knows they’re psychopaths? Since I tweaked about her doing it to her younger daughter, she’s managed to put that daughter off ever contacting me, which is such a shame because Pamela and I were really, really close. My sister doesn’t want her getting wind of my claims.
I’ve contacted all manner of psychiatrists to get advice as to how best to deal with my sister. I haven’t had anyone come forward with anything yet. My gut instincts tell me not to display victim mentality around them. Remain as unemotional as they are when in their presence. What do you think?