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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: An intense relationship, until he threw me back

Editor’s note: This letter was sent in by Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Renata.”

I know, as far as abuse stories go, this isn’t a doozy. I’m sure other women and men have gone through far worse. And that is precisely why I want to share my story, because, even though this guy isn’t a major abuser, he’s a manipulative, conniving and voracious predator.

He will believe he is using his charm and “kindness” to befriend women who are vulnerable and heartbroken, giving them something to feel good about, over and over. He will lead them down the rosy garden path, all the while knowing that he has NO intention of reciprocating a safe and loving relationship. He only uses his “victims” for entertainment value, for his own egocentric gratification. It is without a doubt one of the worst abuses of the online dating process out there, and exactly the reason so many people want to avoid this option.

I met this guy through a single parents dating network. At the time I meant to just meet local guys for something casual. I was only just starting the dating process after being single for six years, and had really very little idea of how to go about it.

We started a humorous and lighthearted exchange over the internet for a few weeks … I knew he lived hours away, so I really didn’t WANT to start anything that might eventually lead to a long distance relationship.

Intensity turned up a notch

Quite out of the blue, he turned the intensity of the communication up a notch or two. Meanwhile, it did cross my mind that his intensity was a little out of place. I had not given him any reason to ask me for pictures … or anything more than just simple back and forth joking. Suddenly he was making innuendos, asking for “more” from me than I really felt comfortable giving.

Mistakenly I thought it was because he was intensely interested in me. I know I’m not the hottest catch, and I don’t try to be, so his attention was a little odd. Somewhere in the back of my mind a little voice was crying to be heard, “This is really out of place, he has no reason to have these intense feelings for you, slow it down.” But, I still let my neediness for attention lead, and he didn’t fail to deliver, at least for a few weeks … it was a constant barrage of communication.

Meanwhile, I fell into the trap of sending pictures. At first it was innocent “selfies,” and then, as he begged for more, I started sending more than I felt comfortable with. Within three or four months, I was hooked. I was so completely head over heels with him.

Dating other women

Finally he came to visit me, we had a great time, except for the last day, when he said “I’ll just keep you a little longer, and then I’ll throw you back.”

“If that’s how you feel about me, then why wait?” was my reply.

To make a long story short, I still kept it up with him, falsely telling myself it didn’t matter to me if he dated others, because of course, he put our relationship on the back burner. I hardly ever heard from him, and when I did, it was just a few words. He hadn’t told me he was dating other women, or that he was still looking, I just KNEW, and then he confirmed it when I finally got up the nerve to talk to him and get everything out in the open.

Lies by omission

He claimed to have never misled me, which is true, his lies by omission precluded any delusions of safety.

He claimed that even though he DOES love me, he loves lots of other women too, and he should be able to have sex with whomever he wants whenever he wants, and he will never ever want to be in a committed relationship or marriage. I know that he had a few of those in the past, though, women that he moved in with, and I believe he did that because they were financially well off. But I believe that he still kept up his polyandrous flings while with them, which is why they all ended as disasters.

Ugh, I feel like I just made a fool of myself with this guy. And I need to get him behind me, but first, I need to warn other women about him.

 



65 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: An intense relationship, until he threw me back"

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  1. Stargazer says:

    Dear ain’t: Not sure why I can’t reply directly to your posts. Maybe cause they’re too new. I used to be a distributor for Herbalife many years ago. I got so much energy from their shakes, and I remember there was some scientific reason why they worked so well in helping your intestines absorb the nutrients from the food you eat. It had something to do with the cilia – the little hairs in the intestines getting flattened down, and the Herbalife restores them which aids in absorption. I will have to research this more. So much to learn about nutrition. Since I work out a lot, I need a lot of protein, so I think it might not be a bad way to start the day. Of course I’d love to eat only raw, organic foods at all times, but it’s just not realistic for my budget and my lifestyle. My God, the 5-day detox is like a full time job! Between making daily salads, juicing veggies, juicing ginger for salad dressing, making desserts, cooking soups, etc., I barely have time for anything else. It’s really great to do it though. Physically I feel great and have a lot of energy. I’m into day 4 now. One more day to go. I figured out how to reconcile the cookies I had on Thursday….I will just write this in as part of the detox plan. 😉

    I look forward to a day when I can be completely self-employed and can have more time for self-care, including food preparation. I don’t know how people take care of themselves when they have stressful 40-hour-a-week jobs.

    I have several friends who are doing Herbalife, and they positively glow with health. The transformation was amazing. Of course, it’s part of their total fitness plan, so they are also doing Zumba and working out. I watched one of my friends drop 50 lbs in 6 months. She got really buff and is now a Zumba instructor and personal trainer. It’s hard to get over the difference.



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    • aintgonnatakeitnomore says:

      try feeding kids too lol
      wen i was working fulltime last year and had an hr commute both ways i had to still make sure my kids ate. i had the sitter do some very basic things, even just start spaghetti as i got home about 6.30. but alot of my off-time was spent planning, prepping, cooking ahead–>food. i literally made menus so she’d feed them correctly (she had no clue to eat, ive known her since she was 2) and use up planned-overs. she got rid of some allergies and hooked on real fats and real salt. she got more energy and went for walks [she’s extremely lazy :0]. she loves it wen i make barley/oats or kale/chard/collards & give her some (cook em in juices from baking or crockpotting a chicken/turkey/roast and salt well).
      i wish working out would do it for me. i lose absolutely nothing until my hormones are balanced, even working out daily (which i do love). i feel better, sleep better, get muscles under the fat but nothing budges till my diet is correct. there are many many ppl like me so i laugh wen i see calories in/calories out stuff. IF u have the right metab, it’ll work, if not, well… We have an epidemic of Type2 diabetes, etc now. and its all lifestyle choice. its very sad. there are at least as many ppl with metabs that are not “typical” as there are ppl who have that happy metab where u just “cut back”. but its hard to get medical ppl to recognize this … or anyone else lol.
      thot of another good book about fat being important: D. Schwarzbein’s The Schwarzbein Principle (there are actually 3 bks and a ckbk–ur library has them). Good complement to the Metab Miracle; Metab Miracle finetunes the ideas in the Schw Principle and informs u so u can ignore the anti-fat bias of Metab Miracle. the 1st 2 bks in the Schw series are just chockful of info, period. She is a eat real food, not processed person also. Metab Miracle relies a little heavily on fake foods–lowcarb breads (just cut out bread or eat a small amt of real bread/wraps), low fat this and that, supplement pills. But u can easily just sub real food for it. She also emphasizes exercise. So its well rounded.
      ive enjoyed chatting with u about this all. hope u’ve gotten something out of it 🙂 i hope others reading it sometime will incorporate some ideas & get their bodies well-er to help their emotional & mental healing…theres a big mental-somatic connection. eating crap and drinking crap is a big disservice to urself, hard as it may be the first days of stopping it. it will be worth it if can possibly change some daily diet things. wgt loss is not the issue wen ur reeling from the abuse, but physically feeling a little better can help 🙂
      ~~shyt, i feel better just *caring* for ME~~



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      • Stargazer says:

        Dear ain’t: The nutrition discussion may interest a few people. It’s a good discussion. I will check that book out from the library. My main form of work out is dancing. I do it every day in some form or other, and it’s taken off 20 lbs. It doesn’t feel like working out at all. I do a few free weights at the gym and pilates in my living room, but those feel like more of a chore. If anyone likes to dance, I highly recommend it as an aerobic workout. Zumba and salsa are my main ones, but I also love hip hop and reggaeton or just going out to see live bands.

        Regarding the kids discussion – that’s reason #457 why I don’t have any. lol It’s all I can do to take care of mySELF.



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  2. Viewpoint says:

    Renata,
    I wish you’d been sitting with a group of gal pals of mine as we got to thinking of writing a book about those “Come Again?” wincing things we’d done in the throes of some guy’s play. The stories we confessed to got us laughing silly. And we all agreed that a book like that (sans sermon)would do our sisters good… If not for a laugh, for knowing that a lot of great sisters have checked their good sense at the door at one time or another.

    So, you done did that and won’t do it again. You’re going to be all right. Give yourself a pass on this one because the rest of us did.



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