lf1

LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I loved my first wife; I was played by my second wife

Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by the Lovefraud reader “Philip.” Names have been changed.

My very long story starts in December of 2004. My first wife, Lee, was terminally ill, and I was the only one that took care of her. I also had two teens, and they were not any help at all. My mother in-law had moved from out of state in order to give me some help. She was more trouble at the time than help. None of Lee’s family other than her biological mother came to help. As a matter of fact, they all pretty much kept their distance since she got sick. So, I took care of Lee, by myself, for about five years or more. I ended up having a breakdown. I was told that this was “Care giver burn out”. I gave myself excuses in order to defend my coming actions to myself.

I had a cardiac episode about two months before I left. I was in ICU for most of the week, and was told I would be sent to a bigger hospital for a card overt. I was terrified about this. I asked what it was, and the nurse told me that it is when they use the “paddles” to try to get my heart back into rhythm.

My heart ended up converting on its own the morning I was to go for the card overt.

Stress

So, I was scheduled for a stress test. I passed with flying colors. The doctor asked if I had any stress in my life. Stress? Who me? Excuse #1:  He told me I had to get away from this stress, or this could happen again, and the possibility of stroke would be great.

Excuse #2:  We needed a visiting nurse, and a program that would help my wife. My health insurance did not cover it. I made too much money to get help, and not enough to pay for it myself. I was told that if we were separated, my wife could get this help. She and I talked about this, and although neither of us liked the idea, we were headed in that direction.

One night, after a very bad day at work, I came home, and the first thing out of everyone’s mouth when I walked through the door was “what’s for dinner?” By this time my mother in-law had moved out and gotten her own place. She was never at the house anymore.

Time to move out

The house was a mess; the laundry needed doing, and then this. I snapped. I hit a depression that was unbearable. I was having a breakdown.

The next day I moved out. I knew a girl that had a spare room, so I moved there.

Big mistake. A lot of things went down, that I won’t go into detail about. I went to my doctor, and he prescribed Paxil. I was having trouble with it after taking it for a few months, so his P.A. changed me to Effexor. I still loved my first wife, and still do today. She filed for the divorce. Again, neither one of us wanted it, but felt that was the only way to get her the help she needed. I look back on all of this and my heart breaks. Pam forgave me of all this mess, and my children also forgave me. It took YEARS for me to forgive myself.

New life begins

I tell this story, to lead up to how “Jennifer” got her hands on me.

I met Jennifer on yahoo personals. We hit it off very well. She was beautiful. She liked all the same things I did. She seemed to share the same political views that I did, and much more that we seemed to have in common.

After chatting for about three weeks we ended up meeting for coffee, and hit it right off. This was in December 2005.

It wasn’t long before she was coming to my house and we were having some of the greatest sex I had ever had in my life. We also would go out and do some fun things together.  During the course of the “after sex conversation” Jennifer told me that she was bipolar. I didn’t know much about it, except that a friend of mine suffered from it, and she would get depressed. Jennifer was “self aware” and on medication. I didn’t think much of it. I was not getting serious with her, as I had responsibilities at home. Before this, I had moved closer to work, so “home” was now an hour away. With Lee and I being separated, and our intimacy having been long gone years ago, I didn’t have a problem with having sex with Jennifer. I was truthful with my wife. I have a big problem with lying, and HAD to tell Lee the truth. Besides, Jennifer and I weren’t serious, I told myself. I was so blinded by my own feelings and hurts, that I wasn’t seeing how bad the things were that I was doing.

Experimenting with depression medications

In February 2006 I asked my doctor to help get me off of the Effexor. It had eventually had the effect over me similar to Xanax. No high or relaxation, but I couldn’t feel anything emotionally.

I was on the maximum dose of 225 mg. She told me no problem, and took away 75 mg. She never replaced it with anything, and told me it was fine. She was an M.D., and not a psychiatrist.

Within two days I was suicidal. I was scared. Jennifer had told me that she had 10 years working in mental health, so I sought her out. I took her and her children out to eat at Subway. I made sure that the kids sat in the booth behind us, with my back to them, so I could talk with Jennifer. She told me I should go to the hospital, so I did.

Checked into mental health unit; checked out of job

I was checked into the mental health unit. I was there for a week. My boss was pissed. I was a very important part of the “team” and was letting them down by being gone. I was eventually let go for “budgetary concerns” within the department.

I found out while I was in the unit that my M.D. should have NEVER prescribed the anti-depressants, and should have referred me to a shrink.

When I got out, this was when the game started. Jennifer basically “pounced” on me. She made herself everything I ever needed or wanted. I was a mess, and couldn’t believe that this wonderful woman wanted to take care of me, much less bring me “into” hers and her children’s life. Now Jennifer was separated from her first husband. I asked her how long they had been separated, and if there was a chance of getting back together. The things she said about her ex were horrible. I felt so bad for her and the kids. I was being reeled in. (I finally ended up getting to know him. He was a good man, that had been played by this woman.)

She had me, hook line and sinker. At the time her and her kids were living in housing. She didn’t have much money, so I didn’t have a problem “helping out” once in a while. She knew that I would, and always seemed to mention to me the money problems, and the things she and her kids needed from time to time.

I was still going “home” to take care of things for my family. I always told Lee what was going on, and she wanted to meet this Jennifer. I know, kind of weird, but Lee and I had that kind of relationship. I think that she wanted to check this woman out to make sure she was on the up and up. She loved me, and wanted me to be happy. At least this is what I had thought at the time.

First meets second

So, I loaded up the car with Jennifer and the kids, and went home with them. I took the kids outside, and Lee and Jennifer chatted for a couple hours. Jennifer had won Lee over. At least that was what I thought, because this is how they both acted. When Lee had to eventually go into a nursing home, Jennifer would go visit her during the day, while I was at work. She played board games with her, and rubbed her feet for her. She seemed like a godsend for everyone.

I was still having trouble with the Effexor, as I never got off of it. In the unit they decided that I was better off staying on it.

Under a bipolar spell

Jennifer wanted me to move into her apartment with her, and by this time I was all for it. She was an angel sent by God. While living with her I saw her bipolar rear its ugly head. She would have bouts of anger. It didn’t last long, and I was able to help her get past it. I really didn’t have any concerns about it. After a time we decided to buy a house together. Truth be told, since I was on the Effexor, and very agreeable to most anything she said, I think it was really her idea. Since I was unemployed at the time I had lots of time to look for a house. Jennifer and I had a blast looking at houses. Some of them were empty, and we were able to get into them and look around. In August 2006 we found a house that was an old church that had been converted into a house. It needed LOTS of work, but Jennifer assured me that she was very good at carpentry and drywall. I was good at carpentry, electrical, and plumbing, But I had a bad back, and told her it would be slow going. We were capable of fixing the house up.

We made an offer of 10k. I had this money in a 401k, and figured I would take it out and pay cash.

New house: my money, her name

Here is the part that was alarming, and would have made anyone else run away fast. Prehistory: When Jennifer left her first husband she went to a battered woman’s shelter. He mother, who herself was a sociopath, held the mortgage on the house. She told Jennifer that if she didn’t get back with “Justin” she was going to foreclose on the house, which she did.

We got to the closing on our house, and when I was putting pen to paper to sign the papers, Jennifer snatched the papers out from under my pen and stated “I am not moving unless my name is the only name on this deed.” I was stunned, and so was the lawyer. Being on the Effexor I could not even form a response to this. All I could think of was, if I got up and walked out, they would sue me for breach of contract, and take my 10k, the only money I had at the time, other than unemployment.

I relented, and she signed the papers. We then got the key, and started to clean the house out. We were so excited to get the water going, and the electricity on, so we could start spending the night there. In my mind I was buying this house not only to live with Jennifer and the kids, but it was back in the kids’ old school district and near their dad and grandparents, who I thought they needed to be near.

Divorced

At that time, when we first moved in, the divorce between Lee and I became final. It was in August. Lee and I still celebrated our anniversary in October, and I was on the phone with her every day. We both said, that in our hearts we would always be husband and wife.

Married again

With both of our divorces being final, we ended up getting married in December 2006.

No wedding, just the magistrate, and no family in attendance but her kids.

It was after we were married that things between us started to change. The sex was still great, and she was still loving, but she started to get sarcastic with me, and cut me down from time to time. Now, after we got married is when she told me that she also suffered from borderline personality disorder. I had no idea what this was, and looked on the web to see what it was. I was astonished. It still didn’t really bother me, you know, the Effexor. Also, I never saw any signs of it, and figured it was her meds that took care of it. I have horrible back problems, and am on pain meds. I figured that her meds “fixed” things, like my pain meds and Effexor did. Boy was I wrong!

The next year, 2007, my daughter had my first grandbaby. I was able to get Lee to the hospital for this, and we have pictures of her holding her grandbaby.

First wife dies, daughter move in

Three weeks later Lee died. My children were devastated, and so was I. Her death brought everything that I had done to the surface. The guilt was unbearable, but I had to hold it together for MY kids. Before Lee died, but when we knew she was close, Jennifer visited her, and supposedly told her not to worry about me and the kids, that she would take care of us.

My daughter, her baby, and her fiancé moved in with Jennifer and me. The fiancé was to get a job, and they were to stay until they got on their feet. My daughter had postpartum depression, and of course depression because of the death of her mother. They moved in at the beginning of May 2007. By June the fiancé moved with his parents to Florida. My daughter was on the phone with him every day. He had his own bag of crap, and was playing her heart. Braking up with her every other day.

One day, in August, I was out. Jennifer went out to the store, and left the kids home with my daughter. She fell asleep, as she was exhausted. From my experience depression makes you sleep, a lot!

Daughter out; Son in

Jennifer got home to find her eleven year old daughter playing with a candle and a lighter on the sidewalk. I arrived about ten minutes later. Jennifer was furious, and was in the middle of kicking my daughter out of the house. She told her to make arrangements and that she had a week. I tried to intervene, but to no avail. She played the “this is my house” card, and you can leave too. This was a theme that would be played out many times during our marriage.

Well my daughter moved out, and a few weeks later my son moved in. It was Jennifer’s idea. My son was also suffering from depression. He had no clue he was, but Jennifer and I could see it. Jennifer talked him into going for counseling, and made him an appointment. She was taking him to his appointment, but supposedly went to the wrong office, in another little town near us. My son had no clue that was what happened until she realized it. Again, she was furious, and blamed my son, as he “should have known where his appointment was.”

Son out

Again, an adult child of mine was given notice to move. And again, the “my house” card was played. I felt like a neutered dog. I could do nothing. Jennifer knew that I was livid, Effexor be damned.

It was at this time that she started to lavish me with the attention that she used to first snag me. Life went on, we had ups and downs. She was still manipulative, and I was oblivious.

In 2010 I started to go to counseling. I wanted off of this Effexor, so that I wouldn’t feel so numb all of the time.

So the shrinks P.A. Took 75mg away, and replaced it with Citalopram, the generic for Celexa. I started to feel normal again, and eventually got off the Effexor completely. Jennifer was beside herself, because once off the Effexor I grew a pair. I was the man of the house, and she wasn’t having it.

Step-daughter stealing and selling meds

To make matters worse, her oldest daughter, 16 years old, started to steal my pain meds. I noticed them disappearing. I told Jennifer, and she didn’t want to hear it. She said I was either forgetful, or giving them away to someone. So, I bought a combination safe. I am not really good at remembering combinations, so I kept it in my wallet. I think that one day while I was in the shower, my step-daughter got into my wallet, and copied it down. Keep in mind, this child has been stealing from family members for years. She would deny it, even when caught red handed. The apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree.

She ended up stealing 15 days worth of Oxycontin, and half a bottle of Percocet out of my safe. I had to take half the dose of everything, and was going thru serious withdrawal. Jennifer still stuck by her daughter, even when we found an Oxycontin in the top of a decorative candle in her daughter’s room. Sue accused me of setting her daughter up.

One day she said to me “I don’t want to hear another word about your meds again… One more word and you are out of here”.

Step-daughter drama

Her daughter heard her say this, as Jennifer was yelling at the top of her lungs. I went up to our bedroom a little while later, and my safe was open. Nothing was taken, but this was her daughter’s way of trying to get me out of the house I guess. Her daughter and I started to argue. Jennifer got so upset that she went into our room and cut herself with a razor blade. You know the inside of the forearms. Her daughter flipped out! It was nothing serious, just enough to draw blood. Another manipulation.

A few days later, she got busted at school with a few of my Percocet. I was so relieved. We had to take her to court, and she got probation and restriction to her home. While talking with the probation officer, she was still trying to tell her little story, something like this, “Philip left his meds out on the kitchen table! There were a couple left on the end table!” and on and on. When she was done, the officer said, “Well that was a nice little story, but I don’t believe a word of it. First off, no matter where these pills were, they were not yours to take. Secondly, every student that has been caught with these pills has pointed the finger at you as being the person they got them from.”

Jennifer started to bawl, hysterically. Now I am not sure if she was crying because her image as a mother was being tarnished, or, she was crying because she thought that it was appropriate for the situation.

We ended up having to go thru all kinds of family counseling, and my step-daughter ended up cutting herself and going into a psych hospital.

All this time, my wife NEVER apologized for all the crap she did while she was trying to blame me for this.

We ended up splitting up for a few days. I came up to my family’s house and she stayed home. Within a day she was begging me to come home.

We are both Christians; well at least I know I am. I quoted a bible verse that said “Be still, and know I am God”.

Basically I was saying, relax, don’t do anything, things will work out.

She couldn’t relax, and ended up putting a deposit on a rental house in a town close by. She told me that I ought to have my house, since it was bought with my retirement money.

I have no clue what was going thru her mind, but I knew that this was a crock. I ended up coming home, big mistake; I should have let her move. We worked things out, and said, it won’t be long, and our daughter would move out when she was 18. She had that number in her head as to when the children had to leave.

While her daughter was in the hospital, things were so nice and quiet.

Step-daughter kicked out

When she got done with all of that, she only had one more year of school. After she graduated she turned 18. The money that Jennifer got from social security for her stopped. I could tell that she was antsy about not having that money. A month or two later she kicked her daughter out of the house, under the excuse that she had been dating a boy behind her mother’s back. Dang, the girl was 18, right?

Again, life was quiet, for a while. Jennifer started to gaslight me.

More health issues

I was already having some small memory troubles, and she took advantage of that, and played it up. I was also having issues with vision etc. I got an MRI, and they found a small cyst behind my left eye. It was causing ocular seizures, where everything would get really bright, colors more enhanced, and a split second of “where am I and where am I going”. Medication helped a lot with that, but she was still gas-lighting me.

She was also on a big devaluing campaign with me. The things she would say blew my mind. Everything she did that was unacceptable she blamed on herself being mentally ill. By this time I was seeing a shrink at the VA.

Ok, this has been a very long story, and I will get to the present day.

October 2012 I got my social security disability, as I can no longer work due to my injuries, and the things going on with the cyst. I hate not working, it really sucks. So, we needed a roof on the house, and I got one put on with the back pay you get.

Things getting worse in the house

At that time she started another campaign. This one was to turn the remaining two kids against me. She started by arguing with me whenever they were around. It didn’t get too serious, as Christmas was coming up, and I was always very generous at that time of year.

Her son and I were very close, and did lots of things together and enjoyed each other’s company.

After the holidays it started up again in full force; however she stopped once she found out that the kids were to go to NYC with the band and show choir. Once I had paid that, it started up again with a vengeance. I have no clue what she was saying to them when I wasn’t around, but you could feel the chill in the air.

The end of May 2013 I had a collision with a deer. Where we live, in the country, it is a very common occurrence.

My Saturn Vue was totaled. I was already suffering a depression again, due to the treatment by Jennifer, and the cold shoulder from the kids, who I still love very much.

The Vue was under both our names, and when we got the insurance check, she seemed to want the money. I got 1200 dollars more than what I paid for the Vue, and she wanted the difference for some reason. I am a car guy, and I love shopping for a car. I figured that it would be two weeks at the most that I would have a car.

She made this process so miserable that it took me to the beginning of August to get a car. It was one I didn’t even want, but my wife saw it, seemed to like it, so I bought it to shut her up. It didn’t work.

She was still arguing in full force in from if the kids. One day in August she just piped up and said “I want you out of this house! If I have to move someone else in to get you out I will!”

We had been thru the “get out” thing before, and I refused, as usual. However, this crap of hers was affecting the kids, so I told her I would go to my daughter’s overnight, so as to bring her some stuff for her kids. During all of this time she was packing stuff up that belonged to me, screaming that I didn’t do anything around the house. By this time I was not just depressed, but physically ill. I could only eat poached eggs and yogurt. I had to get a scope down my stomach in Erie at the VA, and she wouldn’t go with me. I had an appointment with my shrink that she wanted to go to with me. I had no problem with that.

She didn’t go, because she conveniently scheduled a doctor’s appointment for her son at the same time.

Divorce papers filed

She then filed divorce papers, and told me that it was because I was sick, and wouldn’t get help! I was dumbfounded and pissed!

To this day, thru all the legal stuff we are going through, it is still her reason for the divorce. She seems to think that I should just leave, and get nothing out of the house except what is directly mine.

I know that I will be MUCH better off without her, but I do understand that she is my addiction. It is very easy to be on guard against her when I am away from her. We had mediation this week, and I just broke down crying, because I still love the woman that she pretended to be. The mediator was just supposed to mediate. No legal advice or anything. When she got done with him, he was giving her advice right in front of me. He didn’t want to hear anything about my offer to her about the house, and basically told me that if I didn’t take the offer that she and he had worked up, I would have to pay Spousal support.

I am so mad that I am beside myself. I am having trouble showing her for who she really is. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that the Law Master who is presiding over this divorce has already seen her as a liar.

The deal is that she gives me 10k for the house, which is what I had offered her back in August. The catch is, she will give me $1,000 upfront, and that she will make a good faith effort every year to get a mortgage, and in the mean time I get $1,000 a year! I was not in my right mind at the time, as I was just bawling like a baby at the finality of it all. I know that I did nothing to deserve this. She even told the mediator that I was a WONDERFUL attentive husband! Go figure. You can’t fix crazy. I am filing against the agreement, and filing against the mediator with the Pa bar association.

I have done some bad things against my first wife thru all of this. I am ashamed of what went down with Pam, and sometimes feel this is my comeuppance.

Fighting against a sociopath

How do you fight against a sociopath during a divorce? She has been able to play the sympathy card, even though she has admitted to why she is divorcing me, and that I was a wonderful husband.

If any of you have any advice, I sure could use it. Please don’t judge me. It has been a long hard road. Oh, and I have been there for my kids, helping them whenever I could. We are closer than ever.

 



54 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I loved my first wife; I was played by my second wife"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. kaya48 says:

    Swallowing me alive. This comment fits so correctly. This is how I felt for the past 20 years. The constant criticism, the belittling and anger outbursts. So often I was sitting in my closet when he screamed at me in his drill seargent voice. My heart pounding, blood rushing through my veins, shaking and crying. All the while he got pleasure ou of this . I heard remarks ” if you want to cry , get ouf this place and cry somewhere else.” I was completely losing myself in this misery and often questioned myself if I was going crazy. For sure nobody who claims to Iove and protect me would do this. And then I came to the conclusion. It was me, I deserved to be treated like this. After all us was getting older, I did gain a little weight, maybe I was boring. Every day was a struggle not to upset him. Even the pets could be doing something to put him in his rage. My son could have acted not according to his so called standards. Life became a nightmare, the walking on eggshells. But I stayed, I was the best mother, homemaker and wife I could be. It wasn’t enough. He needed someone young, sexy , thin and fun next to him, so he would look good . And with that came my rescue, my way out. Because one night he left with the words “I don’t love you anymore”. I was devastated, in denial, begging him to change his mind. He went on and left after I just was discharged from the cardio ward at a hospital. He left me, my son, 2 dogs and a cat to fend for ourselves while he carefully planned the future with the mistress. Oh, the reason he left me was that I am a crazy psycho bitch and he had no other choice. That’s what he told everyone and his family. Sometimes I believe he has to believe this to justify his selfish actions. Because I know deep inside he knows how guilty he is. In the end he lost his precious family, his home and his life. Once again his narcissism, sex and porn addiction was worth more than the love of his wife and his only child. Sorry I don’t have any empathy for his situation. Even though he is playing the victim in the divorce, he knows he a worthless piece of garbage who destroyed so much. How he could ever live like this is not something I will ever understand .



    Report this comment

  2. satya says:

    OUCH! What a horrible decade it’s been for you! The only advice I can give you is to be grateful that she herself decided she has had enough of you, which means you are free to live the rest of your life away from that manipulative parasite. Trust me, she’s doing you a favor. I would insist and expect her to pay you back and to follow through on any legal course you do have, but only because I’m a firm believer in consequences. Considering you have a medical history relating to stress, perhaps it’s better if you just let her go. No contact, that is. It’s only money, and peace of mind is priceless.



    Report this comment

    • Phillip says:

      You are right, it has been one hell of a decade. We have a final hearing on Friday. This was brought about by my filing a motion of appeal, and a motion for a stay in all actions in this divorce. After filing these, and trying to communicate with her about these things, she just shut down and started pointing her finger, lobbing stupid accusations at me. She likes to hide behind the word of God. The last email I sent, and I did not read the reply, told her that I was sickened by her trying to hide behind Gods word. I told her that even satan knows the word of God, and that she is the proof of it. Oh, I have been tempted to read it, but I know better. After Friday and the resulting follow thru on the judges decision, I will be rid of her forever.
      I have actually thought of going to a hypnotist to see if any memory of her could be erased from my mind. I know this is impossible, but if it wasn’t, I would pay any price.



      Report this comment

      • Good Luck Philip! Be prepared for her to lie, cry, plead, play the victim – do not react. It might help not to look at her.



        Report this comment

      • sunshinejan says:

        I love Donna’s advice. Never let ’em see you sweat. Nerves of steel, nerves of steel. Easy to say, hard to do. One thing helped me was to use his own tactics against him (ignoring, de-personalization, etc.) I might not try that for the first time in court. Just remember, it’s an official legal proceeding, basically look at it like a business arrangement and separate yourself from the emotion. Easy, right! Lol. Treat yourself like your own client. Treat her mentally as a patient. Bone up on all the tactics they use (for example, DEMONIZING, as you described) so you can spot it, label it, and mentally disregard it. You’ll be surprised at how well you’ll do. We’re thinking of you!



        Report this comment

  3. Phillip says:

    Dear Viewpoint,
    Thank you so much for your comment. You make valid points, that I will take to heart.
    I have owned all of what I have done. I have no one else to blame but myself for my own actions. This I know.
    As far as guilt goes, I am a Christian. My God has forgiven me, my Wife forgave me before she died and both of my children have forgiven me. Something I once heard in a teaching from a radio pastor was, “if God can forgive you, who do you think you are, not to forgive yourself”?
    It has been a long hard road to that forgiveness, but I have been traveling it for a long time. I think I am almost to the end of that road.
    i know that to forgive my wife of this, it is going to take a lot of time. It will happen. No don’t get me wrong. Just because you forgive someone does NOT mean you have to let them back into your life.
    The 10k is going to happen. The judge ordered her to pay it within 45 days, and she is doing the paperwork for a new house and selling the old one. The money I lost is a very small price to pay to gain my sanity back. I have a new place to move into, and am really excited to start my new adventure.
    I still have to be in her presence one more time, to get the rest of my things out of the house. I refused to put my stuff in storage, and my thinking was, why pay for storage when I have a perfectly good house to keep them in. I half wish I had moved them out, then I wouldn’t have to go listen to her lies again.
    I want to thank everyone on this site for their support and kind words. I consider myself a “good” man, but even a good man can make horrible mistakes. I am glad that I was married to a “good” wife, and have god children. They are my saving grace.



    Report this comment

  4. Vision says:

    Hi Philip,

    You talk of forgiveness in the above post, both of forgiveness of yourself and now your present/soon ex wife….

    You said: “It has been a long hard road to that forgiveness, but I have been traveling it for a long time. I think I am almost to the end of that road.
    i know that to forgive my wife of this, it is going to take a lot of time.”

    Well, Phil, I happen to be a songwriter and if those phrases you coined are not a great beginning to a great song then you could hit me over the head with a tin cup ….

    In fact, this morning I was listening to Wille Nelson sing those very same words….I was thinking back to how hard it was to forget my ex….easy to forgive…hard to forget….

    Please give a listen to the song and remember to keep reading here at LF, applying what you learn, post a lot, cry if you want, and know it does take time…Be kind to yourself there fella, you have been torn apart and you don’t need to keep beating yourself up….

    So kick back and listen to this song, you are not alone in this…

    http://youtu.be/u0kYf9KG9QA



    Report this comment

    • Phillip says:

      HI Vision,
      Thanks for the comment. Things are getting better for me. Thanks for the song. Yes, I do love the woman that my wife pretended to be. I have my up and down days. A particular hard time I am having is a prostate cancer scare I am going thru.
      The day I got my second results of my PSA’s, (they had gone up again), all I could think of is that my wife should be taken care of me. Of course I did what a normal person does, I reached out to her in an email, and told her what was going on, and that I needed my wife, but she was no where to be found. That was an emotional laps on my part. Her reply was less than sympathetic. She actually suggested that the PSA’s were increased because of me having loads of sexual activity, which I am not. Transference anyone?
      So, I have to go get the rest of my stuff from the house on saturday. It is going to be hard, because the kids will be there. I raised them for over half of my 14 year old step son’s life.
      That is going to be the hard part, plus all the good memories I have in that house with my family.
      I told my wife in an email that if I could get hypnotized to forget the past eight years, I would. I do not want one picture of her. I do not need to remember the woman that she pretended to be.
      I will pray to God to give me the grace to forgive her, but that does not mean I need to have her in my life. The sooner I forget her and move on, the better I will be.



      Report this comment

    • Phillip says:

      Oh, By the way. I am also a musician, and a song writer. However, I am not going to make this a subject of any song. She does not deserve to have a song written about her. She doesn’t deserve the effort I would have to put forth to write a song about this. Forgetting is better. I will write a song about renewed freedom if anything.



      Report this comment

  5. Vision says:

    Phillip,

    I hear ya….I wrote two songs about two different men where love didn’t work out but they weren’t sociopaths, just plain stupid….I wouldn’t write one about my ex either.

    A freedom song yes indeed. Write it and youtube it for us all.

    I am sorry she doesn’t give a hoot about your cancer scare. For all the support we gave them, we don’t even get a crumb…I broke my wrist and severely sprained my other one and got a big Zero. And yes, he blamed me saying that’s what I get for fighting with him and breaking it off with him….I was at work when it happened. I had told him off a few days before telling him he was a liar…etc…

    There have been many articles and comments here at LF on forgiveness. It doesn’t have to be that we actually excuse them but the forgiveness is a letting go…letting them be….letting them have their corrupt life without us….and for others it means giving them up to God….It brings us peace. Willie Nelson sings: “Cause I believe forgiving is the only way that I’ll find peace of mind”……..

    forgiving ourselves is sometimes harder….

    Hang on…or better yet Hold on and don’t expect any empathy nor sympathy…from her…

    From us for sure…..I do know sometimes the count is up on the prostrate readings but it does fluctuate. Keep up the faith..When you get the rest of your stuff stay strong, be kind, and show love for the kids, be the best person you are, and realize you are going to be okay….and you will, trust me and us here at LF….you are okay….everything will be okay….



    Report this comment

  6. jm_short says:

    I found that writing provides a release. It forces you to make sense of the feelings and flush out the reasons behind the reasons. What we experienced of a predator’s behavior had underlying twists and turns that are hard to grasp through rumination. Once they’re written down, we don’t need to go over them in our minds any longer and we’re released from the burden of carrying them in our hearts.

    So whether your means to write is poetry, songs, a book, a story, an article, or whatever, it could be an important part of releasing you from the pain you feel. On the other side of writing, there’s a sense of peace; hard to get to but extremely worth the journey.

    JmS



    Report this comment

  7. Phillip says:

    Well, it’s all said and done. I will never have to se her again. I picked my stuff up this past Saturday, as agreed upon. When we got there she would not let me in. I had to call the police. They got there and she still wouldn’t let me in. They screamed at her, because she was so infuriating. I have no idea what was in half of the boxes. I have no idea what I have lost and what I have. All I know is that most of it is replaceable, and my sanity is more important than any of that stuff. The part that broke mt heart was my 14 year old step son, yelling at me that they are afraid of me. The hate in his eyes just broke my heart. Yes, she has screwed those kids up for life.
    I sent her the link to this site in an email a week or so ago when she was giving me crap. She wasn’t happy about it. I wish I could tattoo sociopath across her forehead, but she isn’t even worth my time anymore.
    I just thought you all would like to know.



    Report this comment

  8. Vision says:

    Dear Phillip,

    All that drama….I am glad you called the police. At least they can witness her performance for future reference if need be….I sounds like you kept calm enough under the stress….I am sorry your stepson had to witness this and blame you…

    But all is not lost forever when it comes to the kids…Its surprising the way they know whats going on in reality and how you might find out later that the hate you thought you saw or did see, was a hate of the situation she caused etc….just saying…my step daughter was taken from me by her crazed father…

    I had taken care of her from age 4 to age 8. She called me Mommy…and I was her mother…we had custody…or he did…The day they left, I held her in my arms, kissing her goodbye…her big blue eyes stared in sadness and inner horror at being taken away for good..

    I ached for years…she tried to find me through letters to friends but all communication was severed by her Gestapo like family…

    But when she turned 18, she moved back to the area and emailed me as my other daughter had contacted her in Facebook..well….we connected, she let off some anger issues, then we picked up where we left off so to speak…with the same love she never could forget…

    Hope it helps…all is not lost with the kids….even though mine is a different situation, I know of teenagers coming around…It must be so hard on the boy, knowing he lost again, his anger might just be for her but being he needs to be loyal to his mother, he might be directing it at you…kids always suffer the most in my opinion…

    Now, work on you….you know what to do…keep reading and commenting…I have been off and on the site for 6 years now….first I just read…then commented….I have had some more time for myself after my upsets and contribute when I can because that’s my way of giving back to all those who helped me after they healed….

    and it helps me too as I continue to heal and on my journey to reach my Nirvana…!! LOL….

    I found some photos of my ex sp in the computer files…It seems those photos are still in various places I didn’t expect….I decided to look at him…I was able to look at his face and remember why I was attracted to him…what I had liked and loved about him….felt sad a bit that he was who he was….told myself I had loved him, the guy I thought he was or his potential had he not been an sp, let it go and said out loud for only God to hear: ” I did love you and I forgive you and I let you go..” shed a tear or two…

    You are stronger then you know…You are alive..You will survive…and you will heal…oh, and yes, I felt revengeful and you can read that in my post on “Acceptance” I just posted yesterday on my feelings of revenge…good article for you to read now…please do…

    Big HUG and yes, I am glad you let us know what happened…



    Report this comment

  9. Dave says:

    Hi Phillip,

    Your wife sounds almost identical to mine, well our ex wives lol.

    Mine also had the house and our business in her name, and kicks me out at least once a year, while keeping the kids (I have them right now for Christmas thank God)

    I feel horrible for you, cause my situation is almost identical except I wasn’t with someone else when I met mine, I rarely cry but have shed one too many tears because of this woman. I seen her lastnight for the 1st time in 3 weeks when I picked up the kids, I was a nervous wreck, nothing bad happened, but half of me wanted to kick her in the butt, the other half wanted to hold her.

    I haven’t spoke all my story, some of it is private, but Donna if you want to put this on the story blog its ok with me.

    When I was 19 I committed some felonies, I wound up doing 14 months in state prison, im 34 now and have been squeaky clean since. I was engaged with a baby on the way when I finally got locked up (the girl knew I had legal problems when we met) after 8 months and the baby born, she left me, moved back to Indiana (im in ohio) and married another man and put him on the B-certificate, I got it legally changed to my name after paternity, however he was threatening me on the phone and I was on parole with 3 years hanging over my head so I left it alone and sent the grandfather b-day cards for my daughter and called to check on her, somehow the husband wound up adopting her from under my nose, she is 13 now and ive never seen nor spoke to her.

    In 2003 I contracted herpes because I was thinking with the wrong head like a 23 yr old man often does. In 2004 I met the SP woman on a herpes dating site, after 3 weeks we met, she lived 100 miles out, so I came up on weekends, I quickly fell in love, she pulled me out of the pit I was in, hard to find jobs with 4 felonies, and not seeing my child, I was angry/depressed, this woman took it all away and I fealt like me again, and the sex was out of this world, and our time together was awesome, I loved just having her in my arms and smelling her hair.

    She had been in the military and went awol, she told me this, however she said she turned herself in and got discharged this was a lie as she got pulled over with me and arrested and while getting out the car she said “thanks a lot David” I was the only one who helped her, I went and got her from for knox and on the way home we agreed to move in together, she then became pregnant with our 1st. 3 days after moving in I noticed a HUGE change in her personality,,particularly towards me. A few months later, physical arguments came about on 3 occasions, all 3 she initiated as I don’t lay hands on women unless in extreme self defense. She even tried to choke me one night, pushing/shoving/grabbing/finger poking, we have never actually hit each other but I wonder how much longer before it happens. I was not working when we got our house so could not be put on the loan, so she put house soley in her name and never put me on the deed no matter how much money I paid or how much work I did.

    In 2008 we got into a physical fight, the cops were called, she wanted me out and they wouldn’t kick me out she had to evict me, she then told then that I broke her ribs, obviously I didn’t and was never charged with anything, I took the cops advice and left for a few days, she filed a protection order on me, and refused to let me and my family any access to my son for almost 3 months, during this time she dated a old highschool boyfriend whom I caught her several times speaking to behind my back on the phone. Things didn’t go as she planned, she calls me one night out the blue wanting to talk, still claiming I hurt her, I asked for medical documents, she provided them and there was no proof on there she sustained injuries, she went to battered womens classes and showed me a pie graph of signs your man is abusive, I pointed out that half the graph was things she had done to me, she was irate!!!

    Every year after she kicked me out, usually lasting about 1 month, and for some reason 90% of the time its right around the holidays just like this time. I wanted to start a business cause my record was still a thorn in my side, she said no, that I would not sit in her house making a business while she worked and payed for everything.

    Fast forward to now (and 2 other men ive found evidence of possible foul play with in her phone, to which she finally locked the phone out lol) she wants to start this business idea of mine. She put in most the money and half the research, I helped market it, did the routes on software, and ran the routes, (its a dog waste removal/recycling company called green scoop) we launched in april 2013, we now have over 60 customers already, I signed a no compete clause with a rival company so could not have this in my name until feb 2014, so it went in her name and she now refuses to put me in as a co-owner unless I pay her a bunch of money. Im often told I do nothing while she is this hard worker (actually she is pretty hard worker, shes obsessed with working) I would take the kids to school, run the company route, pick the kids up, do dishes, laundry for 4 people, cook dinner, mow grass, haul and chop firewood, clean floors, grow a vege garden in spring, ( I think you get the point) only to be told I don’t do enough and that im living the good life off her hard work. She even went as far as to say im living her dream cause I was working the business and she still had a day job (excuse me this business was MY IDEA) I have been called a loser/piece of s##t/a zero/pathetic/ don’t care about her or my kids/ a bum/ a mooch/ just using her ect ect…..

    My parents have hated her for years, and now hers are starting to hate me. Our kids are 5 and 8. My daughter misses me horribly as I was mr mom for 3 years of her life and spent mass time with her.

    Last year I worked all year and she illegally claimed me as a dependant as I made too much money, thankfully my mother caught this and we amended the taxes. I often get screwed out of my 50% share of what the kids generate.

    She has an ex named Dan whom she stayed friends with for 15 years after they split up, 1-2 times a year she goes out to dinner with him while I watch the kids, which infuriates me to no end as its total disrespect. I don’t believe anything is going on with them otherwise they would meet up way more often, but still,, its just wrong. The night I left 3 weeks ago (well got kicked out) she tried to hurt me by saying Dan loved her, I said yeah as a friend, she said little do you know, I bit the bait. She said he loved her more than a friend and told her he wanted to be with her again ( I believe this was a lie) I asked when this happened and she couldn’t quickly give me a response (which told me even more its a lie).

    I believe she found her perfect target in me, down in dumps, hard time finding good work, missing my child, and very loyal, it hurts to look at her cause I still see the woman I fell in love with and I see so much potential in her, but she refuses to tap it.

    When fighting, we often go 2-4 days ignoring one another, only for one night she will hop in the shower with me like nothing ever happened. She wont apologize or even address the problem at that point, just flaunt sex in my face so ill shut up and be happy. It makes me feel used. And the things she whispers to me while making love which obviously are not true hurt even more, that is your most intimate moment with your lover, to tell a lie at that point is just plain evil. I have been told during love “please never leave me” “this feels so right, I missed you” “we have to make this work cause we just cant be apart” “your so gentle, nobody is like you, I love you” Ok enough of that im getting pissed off now.

    Im far from perfect, but dammit im one of the most loyal men a woman will ever meet, it sickens me to see these women stay with these loser crap men, yet good men like us get abused (this is no knock on you ladies, I know there are plenty of crappy men too)

    My self confidence is shot, I get nervous around women now because I think they look at me thinking im a loser or a nobody. And the fact I have this STD makes my dating options limited, im broke and living with my mother with a 95 car that’s bout to break down, and she has everything. I want to vomit in my mouth right now.

    So Phil trust me when I say, I feel your pain, and I wish to God you didn’t have to go through this. Just keep trucking man, and God willing one day you and I will meet a decent one.

    Take care of yourself man.



    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.