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Dealing with sociopaths: Fight or flight?

Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting people. When you’re the person who has been exploited, how should you respond? Do you try to hold the sociopath accountable? Or do you cut your losses and walk away?

Lovefraud is an open forum, with many people expressing opinions about what you should do. In the past, some folks have posted comments saying give up, run away, don’t fight, you can’t win.

I don’t necessarily agree with that. Yes, in some cases, fleeing is the best course of action. But sometimes the only way to survive is to fight. Or sometimes standing up to the sociopath enables you to reclaim yourself, even if you don’t win the battle.

I believe you should do what is best for you. But figuring out “what is best” may be difficult. You need to carefully evaluate the entire situation before deciding what, if any, action to take. The following considerations may help you.

If you suffered financial losses:

Do you have documentation that the sociopath promised to repay you? If you don’t have an agreement in writing, it will be very difficult to pursue your claim. The sociopath may argue—convincingly—that the money was a gift.

Does the sociopath have any money, property or assets that you can go after? Does he or she have a job? If the sociopath has nothing, there may be no point.

How much will it cost you to go after what he or she owes you? Is the amount of money taken from you worth the trouble it will be to get it back?

Can you use small claims court? The good news about small claims court is that you don’t need to pay for an attorney. If the sociopath owes you more than the dollar limit for small claims cases, perhaps you can break it up into several different claims. Again, you will need documentation.

Even if you won’t be able to collect, you may want to file a lawsuit against the sociopath just to expose him or her, or create a public record. This does, in a way, hold the sociopath accountable, even if you are never repaid.

Criminal behavior:

Is the sociopath engaged in criminal behavior? Is the sociopath dangerous? Can you report the behavior without jeopardizing your own safety? Are you willing to cooperate with law enforcement agencies? Or, is there a tip line where you can report the behavior anonymously?

Would your conscience bother you if you did not report the behavior?

If the sociopath is accusing you of criminal behavior, you must fight. Do not admit to any criminal behavior that you did not commit. A criminal record can ruin your life.

Children with a sociopath:

Having children with a sociopath is a nightmare. The best thing that can happen is for the sociopath to go away. You may want to offer a deal — if your former partner will give up parental rights, you won’t ask for child support. Usually this deal won’t cost you anything, because sociopaths drag their feet on paying child support.

Many sociopaths, however, will not give up parental rights. They want to use the kids to continue to control you.

The issues involved in co-parenting with a sociopath are incredibly complex, and beyond the scope of this article. So here are just a few suggestions:

  • Document everything. Keep very good records of everything that happens. Save every text, email, receipt and record. You never know what you will need.
  • During a custody case, do not let any false claims that the sociopath makes about you go unchallenged in court. If you do not challenge the lies, the statements become part of the court record and will cause problems for you later.
  • Make your custody agreement as comprehensive as possible. Then, you follow it to the letter and demand that the sociopath follows it.

As Quinn Pierce wrote in her most recent article, avoiding conflict to keep the peace may not work, and can hurt both you and the kids. But remember, the sociopath’s objective is to get a reaction out of you. So be calm, unemotional and businesslike as you enforce your boundaries. Even when the sociopath upsets you, never let him or her see it.

Your physical and emotional strength

If you were involved with a sociopath, you certainly were deceived, manipulated and betrayed. You may have been physically assaulted. You may have endured emotional and psychological injury.

So as you’re considering fight or flight, what can you really handle right now?

Your first priority must be your own health and safety. If you need to give up the money or property you lost in order to protect your very life, then do it.

Or maybe you need to retreat for the time being. Then, after taking time to recover and gather your strength, you can go after the sociopath later. That is perfectly acceptable.

Recovery and accountability

True recovery from a sociopath means moving forward with your life. It may not be the same life that you had before the sociopath. In fact, if you work on deep emotional healing because of this experience, it could even be a better life.

So what is the best way for you to move forward? Is it letting go of what happened? Or is it standing up for yourself and holding the sociopath accountable? Is it letting go on some issues and taking a stand on others? Only you can decide.

Here’s another factor: Sociopaths will continue with their exploitative behavior as long as they keep getting away with it. If nothing else, I hope we can at least talk about our experiences. As more people realize that millions of predators live among us, perhaps working to hold sociopaths accountable won’t feel as lonely as it does now.

My experience with fighting

Personally, I am glad that I fought, although I did not claim a total victory. When I divorced my ex-husband, the judge awarded me all the money I claimed — $227,000 — plus $1 million in punitive damages. I spent a year and even more money trying to serve my judgment. I failed, and eventually had to declare bankruptcy.

But I did prove in court that he committed fraud. That legal judgment enabled me to expose James Montgomery for the con artist that he is. And, it enabled me to create Lovefraud, where I use my experience to try to educate the world about the social predators who live among us.

For me, the fight was worth it.

 



50 Comments on "Dealing with sociopaths: Fight or flight?"

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  1. LL Mequon says:

    Marcy, you are SO brave. You are surviving this! Those of us who battle sociopaths know what it takes. We all may handle it differently, but at the core we have all summoned up incredible strength to protect ourselves, and those we love, from these soulless and dangerous monsters.

    Take care!



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  2. hinahina says:

    Hi, LL Mequon:

    Your qualifying these social predators as “soulless, dangerous monsters”, is so helpful as a tool for understanding just exactly what motivates them into action.

    I’ve been reading up about anger and aggression on the website, psychologicalselfhelp.com which is in book format. Chapter 7 discusses the mental constructs that work together to create the sense of anger and hate.

    However, one of the main drawbacks in the discussion is that the writer assumes that all people who appear human are alike in that they have the capacity for empathy.

    Social predators lack the capacity to have empathy, as observed in the MRI scans of the frontal lobe that show no response when the visual trigger comes up that normally shows a sense of reactive empathy in humans that have empathetic responses.

    The writer of the piece assumes homogeny in the human group, whereas this is a proven fallacy: social predators are not like those who have empathy. It is this inability to have empathy that distinguishes them from others.

    Interestingly, however, if the social predator is exposed to “therapy”, they learn that in order to better fool their unwitting subjects (who, in their minds, are all stupid and ready to be taken advantage of), that they can feign empathy and use the act to hook their unsuspecting target even better!

    I think this aspect of their predatory nature puts them squarely in the “soulless and dangerous monster” camp! And fully disqualifies them from participating normally in the larger, more gentle, benign and empathetic class of evolved human being.

    The chapter also discusses the percentage population that is the target of hate and abuse, and it is far, far more than the paltry number of supposed socio and psychopathic predatory types.

    This data suggests that these predatory types are either represented in the population in far greater numbers than the supposed 4%, &/or that the targets of these predatory types are far greater than a one-on-one abuse routine.

    To be fair, I suspect it is a good deal of both factors which shows up in a greater proportion of victims in relationship to the head count of the social predators.

    The social predator who targeted me had five other people who he was clearly “trying to destroy”, and those are the contemporaneous ones that I knew about. I know he was baiting others as new victims, while he was working me over. I know that he had devalued and discarded many more over the course of years. I don’t know the actual number of people he had hurt, but I would say that if he knew them or could know them, that they would be in his crosshairs to fool, abuse, rob and rape, etc.

    He spent the better part of his waking hours making other people’s lives a living hell. he really never accomplished anything because he was so busy trying to fool and hurt people. He never had a quiet moment of reflection about his behavior. He was “always on” his game of deception.

    I must agree with your description that these are “dangerous and soulless monsters”!!

    They do not have the same motivations, values systems or inner composure of humans who strive for goodness and the betterment of mankind. They masquerade as humans, but they are most assuredly not. The rules do not apply to them and they think that’s ok!

    They foment anger and hate and dysfunctional behavior and the crazy making that makes the normal human question why the “gaslight fixtures are high, then low, then high…”, as in the movie, “Gaslight”!!

    Their greatest fear is to be exposed! Their greatest entertainment is to hurt others and act like they had nothing to do with it! I suspect their tendency toward risk-taking behavior (adrenaline addiction) has a great deal to do with the unholy joy they get from hurting others!

    EeeeeWWwwwww!! Real life horror stories!!

    Protect yourselves! Identify these types ASAP, contain their influence on you and try to make it as negligible as possible, and Get Away!!

    Did you ever see the movie, “Wrong Turn”? If no, then watch it! If you’ve seen it, you know how these mutant freaks of nature damage and destroy!! Yikes!!

    Be well, everyone! You’re getting better with each step away from the real life horrorshow that the predators are pulling!!



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  3. LL Mequon says:

    Hi Hina!

    Yes, I’ve read a lot of the books and studies. And you are so right that they will use the information to feign empathy. My ex still tries to play that one occasionally. But, believe me, he has less and less of a chance to do so. I expose him every chance I get–and he is livid. It is the one thing that can cause these predators–if not pain–at least discomfort. And I will admit that I get a certain amount of satisfaction from that.

    Best of luck to you–and to all who have had the misfortune of a close encounter with evil.



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  4. kaya48 says:

    Wow this is horrible what they are capable of. I truly think that I would have ended up dead or committed to a mental institution had I not put an end to it. This crazy making experience is a thought than I can never forget . Someone that pretended to “love” me for 20 years tried to make me think that I am insane. My therapist assured me that it was all done on purpose. He needed someone to blame in front of his family, neighbors, bosses, friends, co workers and even his mistress. Unfortunately for him this did not work out as planned. Besides the mistress, everyone sees him for who he really is. An evil monster. I am thankful I got out of this mess. With this divorce I will lose about everything I worked for but all the material things cannot replace my sanity, peace and freedom. All the money he has now cannot give him the love of his only child. Like I said he can buy him prostitutes and sex. It is a sad fact that people like him even exist on this earth. They sure don’t deserve the air they breathe. Thanks for all your great support. Passing 5 months now no contact. What an accomplishment. 🙂



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  5. hinahina says:

    Kaya. No contact is indeed so liberating! It is like freedom from oppression!

    Oppressive control freaks are so bound in their little worlds and caged in their little minds that they think that thumping someone who is just a little happier, just a little nicer, just a little anything better than them is to really be a “winner”!

    What trite little manufactured crises they create!

    Why a cretinous ghoul needs to target nice people is a mysterious thing. Why do they bother? Maybe they need a new hobby!

    The kook-en-heimer who tried to defraud and whatever-else me at one point told me he saw me as his “enemy”! So why did he want to spend so much time with me? Yes, because he’s trying to defraud me, we know that now.

    But really…”enemy”? Isn’t that a bit extreme?

    Did he really want to do battle…have a war…sustain damage? Or just terrorize and enslave me? Wow…what a powerful guy…NOT!!

    Someone who’s known him since grade school told me today that the kook is stupid. I disagreed, and said he is actually very smart, just completely psychopathic!

    And, because the kook initially posed as a friend and asked me to help him when no one else would (pity play! *barf*), and I did because I’m too softhearted and kind (not anymore! Now I’m mean to sociopaths and psychopaths…and malignant narcissists!), I learned my lesson about the wolf in sheep’s clothing. And, I have the lingering PTSD from being in the psyop war zone of the full-blown kook-meister to prove it!

    But, I’m fine and loving the No Contact!

    I often wondered what happened to his former girlfriends, which seemed many, and why they had fully cut contact with him. I figured there was something wrong to begin with! It was these little clues that gave me the early warning not to get too deeply involved with him…well, that and his fiancée–who he’s dubbed “short round”, and former would-be wife who he calls a “bitch from hell”…hmmm, wonder why….NOT!!

    Oh, he spoke badly of the ex’s! That’s a red flag!

    And he kept going back around to see them…just to abuse them!

    Another red flag is he doesn’t like to be alone!

    I’m guessing he can’t stand his own company!

    Not so strangely enough, no one else can stand his company either! Oh, except for the schmoozing and superficial charm which he heaps onto the noobs…and the ones he gets narcissistic supply from on a regular basis….the toadys.

    Where are they now? Mostly eating humble pie!

    And this Thanksgiving, I’ll be eating whatever I do…but without the horrible indigestion of a chaotic kook trying to defraud me of finances and a peaceful home.

    I do believe he’s slated for a Thanksgiving dinner in the State prison… At least he’ll have lots of company!

    Tragic things are good material for dark humor! At long last!

    Stay positive, all! Things get better, life is good!



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  6. kaya48 says:

    Thanks hinahina. This thanksgiving I will not sit in any closet crying, him standing over me and yelling at me . My son and I will have a wonderful dinner and be thankful for him leaving us. I don’t care if he has dinner with his coworker/mistress. For all I care he can take her on cruises and fancy restaurants. All this will not replace a family full of love and caring. She can have him. Before long she will be sitting in a closet crying and shaking hearing his drill sergeant voice.



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  7. hinahina says:

    Kaya and All:

    Being Thankful for Peace of Mind is such a simple and yet, profound sensation!

    Social predators are unable to be thankful for such freedom. In fact, they are unable to be thankful for all the material items they lust after, after destroying good people in the process!

    People who are responsible and have integrity are characterized by their industriousness, caring for others, planning and saving up for the future–rather than sponging off of their targets!–and building their resources up over time, while being mindful not to hurt or take advantage of unethical means to personal gain.

    Then, these steady-minded creators of wealth, make timely assessments of their progress and measure their wealth not only in monetary terms, but also in good will and loving, wholesome relationships with others. Evolved humans give thanks for their blessings in every fashion.

    Predatory types seem to be unable to be thankful. They can “win the world, but lose their soul”, and well, I guess it’s “instant karma” that finally gets them, as they create negative and thankless, angry energy fields around them by their dysfunctional choices.

    Back to the original discussion of “fight or flight”, may I include in the paradigm the concept that’s been added as a de-stressor to the triggers that elicit the limbic system response of “fight/flight”: This concept is dubbed the “Relaxation Response”, or RR.

    This RR is learnable and recommended for times when our organism is stimulated but the desired response is to give another avenue for the sensation of dissonance: we learn to actively relax when triggered with shock and surprise.

    This RR is less stressful for our organisms in the long run as it interferes with the adrenaline release into our bloodstream. Though this hormone infusion into our tissues made it easier to deal with life in the uncertain jungle, over time and with constant triggers, we suffer from the stress which results in Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome.

    And, the result of that is that the immune system has been repressed and the body starts to kind of shut down.

    With ongoing PTSD, it’s important to incorporate new knowledge and coping strategies in order to counteract the damage we’ve suffered. This learnable response reduces the stress on the system and allows us to be more keen on solutions to the issues/people that trigger our fight/flight response.

    You see, you can use this to defuse the “problems” that others create in your life and calmly allow your mind to take you to a place where peaceful balance is found…the land of solutions…and from there you can step back and create a more positive world to live in.

    It takes effort to get there, as we’ve all discovered.

    Try the Relaxation Response as an alternative to the panic merchant’s ploys to control your limbic system!

    Ahh, and be so thankful for everything you’ve got…rather than upset about anything you feel you’ve lost…

    That’s my key to happiness!



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  8. kaya48 says:

    Hinahina. Your closing statement is so true. This will be my new motto. Thank you so much. I know there is hope and soon I will be free of him for ever. There is one good thing that came out of this terrible mess and that is my beautiful, smart and loving son. He is nothing like his father. Take care everyone. I know life will be better for all of us. How can it be any worse? I already went through hell.



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