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Why being lied to is worse than being the liar

Psychiatrist Anna Fels explains why people who have been lied to over a long period of time find it difficult to recover.

Great Betrayals, on NYTimes.com.

Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.

 



9 Comments on "Why being lied to is worse than being the liar"

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  1. blossom4th says:

    Very good article,thanks for posting Donna!To find out that your life isn’t at all what you thought it was,is the MOST EARTH SHATTERING EXPERIENCE!It throws your mental and emotional equilibrium off balance.You begin to put your life in “scenes” and question ALL of it.As one poster so eloquently put it,you realize you were never in a loving relationship;you were in a RELATIONSHAM.
    You wonder if you’ll ever trust anyone…including yourself again.You cry until there is no moisture left in your eyes.IT WAS ALL A LIE.



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    • Barb says:

      Blossom: I love the word “relationsham”. This word is empowering in itself and I will be using it.

      I am 62 years old and still think about a sociopath that infected my life. I am reliving the pain from this sociopath who ‘snuck’ into my life in the 4th grade!! I have had repeated dreams about this woman (if you can call her that…she never seemed completely human to me). In fact,my brothers drew cartoons about her, frequently showing her as an alien from Outer Space. They would laugh about which constellation she came from and invented a language that only she could speak.

      My younger brother saved my life and gave support through the terrible years after I got rid of her. His sense of humor was a saving grace. He was the only one in the family who totally ‘got it’.



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  2. 4Light2shine says:

    Yeah Blossom, earth shattering is how it feels. Nice to have some of those points brought out about blaming the victim and society’s quickness to embrace the new spun version. No accountability. No authenticity. Just do over, rebrand. Speaking of the lies, and the covert manipulations that many of us have come to know, has anyone else here been on a site called decision-making-confidence.com ? There’s actually a lot of information there that seems to focus on covert manipulations and mind control. At first I was very skeptical and cautious, but the more I read the more I could see that I had experienced much of this directed at me and have witnessed my Pseudowife employ almost all of these to purchase power and influence with others. Much of the info is in the context of cults but certainly apply to other interactions, and yes those employing these techniques are identified as psychopaths.



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  3. Stargazer says:

    Admittedly, I don’t have time to read the article because I’m preparing for my birthday party this evening. It’s an all-day affair getting things ready. 🙂

    But I love the title of the article and wanted to comment. My affair with the sociopath for which I arrived here in 2008 was very short – only about 3 months. I broke away (painfully) shortly after I realized that he was a pathological liar. I went through all the shame, desperation, and hopelessness everyone here has been through or is going through. But I do remember early on feeling that no matter what I was going through, I was better off them him – that his pain was beyond repair. Anything that prevents us from having healthy, loving relationships causes pain – to ourselves and those around us. At least we here are acknowledging our pain and working through it. For the pathological liar, the pain is unseen, unacknowledged, and unconscious, except for what they inflict on others. But it is still there. They also cannot get the love they would need as humans – if they were completely human – but the difference is they never will. It’s an unfortunate tragedy of life that they exist, that they don’t change, and it’s best for the rest of us to just stay away from them.



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    • Delores says:

      Stargazer, What a way to have a birthday. Go for it.

      It is so true that these creatures are both vile and pitiful. When you only get a surface wound, pity is good. After being cut to the core multiple times though, the pity loses its power to the pure evil of the creature. When they destroy your children in spite of your life long efforts to protect them, then there is no more pity. I will dance on his grave

      And, as to the reformed sinners mentioned in the article, I despise the Lifetime movies of the long lost abusive abandoning sperm donor who has a personality transplant and is welcomed back into the fold. It makes me feel like throwing up. The liars win and the victims and targets must know their own truth in spite of a culture that denies it.



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  4. Xaka says:

    For me, the lies definitely made me feel as if there was no actual foundation to our relationship, but it wasn’t really the past that irreparably affected me. It was the fact that I would not be able to trust him ever, again, that bothered me. It didn’t help that he threatened to kill me and, then, two years later, made an attempt.

    I wish I had found this site before I went crazy from dealing with a sociopathic ex-husband and an irresponsible justice system. Perhaps my older children would still be living with me. Ah, well. We live and learn.



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  5. Stargazer says:

    Delores, thanks re the birthday wishes. 🙂 The party was a blast.

    I just wanted to clarify that I wasn’t saying I “pity” the spath or that my wounds were surface wounds. I said I know I’m better off than he is. I don’t really feel pity for him nor would I ever have anything to do with him. But I know that whatever pain I go through in my life is nothing compared to the lifetime of misery he will go through. This is not pity. It’s just reality as I see it. I have gone through enormous amounts of pain in my life. But I’d never trade my life for that of a spath’s.



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  6. jm_short says:

    Sorry Stargazer-

    Your concept that he’s living a miserable life may not be so. People with morality disorders don’t possess the conscience that could provide painful remorse. It’s simply not part of their brain chemistry.

    What he is missing, and what he will never understand that he’s missing, is the ability to love. But that won’t prevent him from enjoying the fruits of whatever subterfuge he foists on the next unsuspecting victim.

    It might be more appropriate to think of him as a stalking lion. He tried to make you his prey, but you figured him out. You reeled from the nightmare he created for you, and thank God, you exited with wounds that need to heal. Do you think the lion cares about the victims that get away? Nope, he just finds his next victim. (Or she, don’t want to be sexist about this.)

    There’s no sense of loss for him. That’s the province of morally intact folks.

    Jms



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  7. kaya48 says:

    That makes a lot of sense. It explains how he can just “coldly” walk away from his family without any emotions or regret. Like you said “a lion looking for the next victim”. I also believe they do not live in misery as they do not possess that “feeling”. How about the children? Do you think my soon to be ex husband misses his only child? My son cut off all contact 8 months ago. Is he experiencing any pain or feeling of loss because of this? For me it is beyond painful if my only child would want nothing to do with me. But I am human and this creatures are evil. So there might be a difference. Good luck to everyone. My court proceedings are continuing this week. I truly hope to be strong enough.



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