lf1

Letter to Lovefraud: How I was duped by a young sociopath and believed all his lies – until now!

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mal from the reader who posts as “Kataroux.”

In December 2005, my husband, who was also a sociopath, just not as ruthless, overdosed and died. I was devastated by the sudden death, and the fact that he chose to do it on my Son’s 11th birthday. The first person to show up was my recent sociopath (we will call him “D” so he has a name), and he was there to “help me through” and “make me laugh.” He was a relative of my late husband but knew what I had gone through with my husband’s drug addiction, and he and I had spent many of hours talking about what was going on for years prior to my husband’s death. So he knew me very well, knew I loved completely, and knew I would serve the need for his sociopathic ways. I wish I would have known then what I know now.

It all started immediately after the funeral. My late husband’s two closest friends came over to the house while D was here and proceeded to tell me how they promised to take care of me, etc., and it scared me with all the sudden attention because I am by no means a beautiful woman. It was about that time that I was having issues with my youngest child, who was 9 at the time, acting out in anger.

It was during one of those battles, and after another night of the same two friends coming over and telling me how great I am, that D really amped it up and asked if he could move in and “help with the children.” When I agreed was when he “laid claim” to me and began promising me the world. And him being a much younger man really gave me an internal boost, so to speak, and I began to laugh and cut up and spend more than I should. I guess that was the master plan.

The first clues

After about 2 months into the live in, full time relationship, he made the comment, “I knew you had money.” It struck me as such an odd comment that it has stuck with me to this day, 6 ½ years later. That should have been Clue Number 1.

Then in the 4th month I found him chatting with a local woman on the internet and he advised that he really wanted to go out with her. In my utter shock I actually gave him my credit card and car and told him to go. I was so confused at what was happening that I didn’t know what to feel, so I just went along with it. On the night of the date he picked her up, went to the movie theater to discover the movie he wanted to see (which was a movie we had talked about seeing together) was sold out and he brought her back here to my house. They sat in the living room for all of 20 minutes before he was jumping in my bed with her in tow and wanting to watch a movie with me which totally threw me off guard and I just sat there in shock and then he just up and told her “you got to go” and we both brought her home. I guess that should have been Clue Number 2 …

Then about 6 months into it (I know, how many clues did I need, apparently more than enough) I came home from work and found him lying in bed chatting to a girl on the internet, telling her he “loved her” and “missed her” and “wanted to be with her.” I threw a fit and asked him what the F— was going on. I told him how I felt and that it hurt me that he could not tell me he loved me but could tell this other woman and that if he wanted her so F-ing bad he could go be with her. He gave me some story about how she is this “stupid bitch” he talked to on the internet from time to time and how those were just “words she wanted to hear” and “meant nothing” and to my own dismay, I bought it, hook line and sinker. That was when he began to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I know…Clue Number 3.

Porn and Internet girlfriends

Over the next several years I would catch him watching an excessive amount of porn on the computer and discovered that he was chatting to other women again. I would make a comment on how those were his “internet girlfriends” and it would really piss him off and he would accuse me of being insecure and then would just “shut down” (i.e. the silent treatment). When that would happen I would get so upset and try that much harder to make things right that I would literally make myself physically sick. However, that didn’t stop me from giving him everything he wanted plus some, even down to borrowing money to make him happy. Clues Number 4 and 5!

Then in 2010 he and my youngest began to fight constantly and my youngest suggested that he go live with his father. I agreed to let him go so that I would not have to live in a hostile environment. Of course, D was happy to see him go. Clue Number 6.

In late-2011, D, my oldest son, and I were all online playing World of Warcraft when I looked over and noticed he was private chatting with a fellow teammate who was a girl. I questioned him about it and again, instant defensiveness, and he said they were talking about the game. I didn’t buy it so I began paying closer attention to his Facebook, e-mail, phone texts, etc. Sure enough, one day she was on his Facebook, and when I mentioned it he didn’t say anything, he just “shut down.” Yep, Clue Number 7. But, stupid me, that didn’t stop me from trying to make things right.

Something was shifting

In mid-2012, he began to change. Something in him was shifting. I could see it on his face when he would look at me and he began to become angry all the time and yell at everyone and generally made coming home from work a living hell. Clue Number 8.

Then during the last week of November 2012, we were fighting and I said in a small voice “maybe we need to part ways” and he sat there for a minute and said “maybe” and he moved out of my bedroom (not my house) and moved into my youngest son’s room and began to completely ignore me. I would cry, he would push out a tear, and tell me how I was not sexually attracted to him and how I never made a move on him, etc. and I felt horrible because I could not believe he was unhappy because we were not having enough sex. I mean sex was always amazing for me! SO, what do I do? I say, well let’s change the dynamics and you can be a dominant in the bedroom and I will submit to your every whim. (I know, stupid, stupid, stupid) He agreed and we got back together and things started going great. Clue Number 9!

Get a job

We started off this year wonderfully; it was filled with laughter, great sex, and plans of the future. Then in March I learned that I was going to be suffering a major financial set back soon and I approached him and told him I really needed him to get a job and help contribute to the family. He easily agreed and said that he wanted to contribute to the family and he found a full-time job where my ex-husband (the father of my children) and a mutual friend work. (I wondered why he got a job so easily when he refused to work during the whole time we were together, except for the occasional cash jobs, of which he kept most of his money).

Since we had only one vehicle, a car I just bought for myself, he immediately began complaining about riding to work with someone else and how he needed his own vehicle and in June I borrowed some more money for a down payment on a truck for him and I co-signed for the auto loan. Immediately after that he would began asking me, “how much of my money do you need this week?” It really struck a nerve with me, because I never asked him that question when I got paid. Clues 10 and 11.

Fighting every day

From that moment on we began to fight every day and he began to argue with my oldest for the sake of argument. It was like he was constantly picking a fight. (Of course, if you hear his version I was a horrible person who did nothing for him and all he did was try to make me happy — lying bastard.) Clue Number 12.

On August 28, 2013, I came home from work and texted him, “hey handsome how is your day” and he went nuts on me, accusing me of texting just because I knew it was payday and what a bitch I am, etc. Clue Number 13!

That night I just had enough, I could not live in constant turmoil anymore and I told him I was “done” and he got up and walked out and went to a mutual friend’s house and told them how I was just losing my mind and how he just can’t seem to make me happy. Two days later he informed me he found a place, asked if I minded if he brought some stuff over there and when I said “no I sure don’t,” he asked if he could have some spare furniture, which I gave him. He packed up his personal belonging and left … and never looked back, except to come pick up things I packed for him. And when he would come around, he always had an attitude and treated me like crap. CLUE NUMBER 14.

Still having sex

After he moved out we agreed to continue to be sexual partners until he found someone else. So we had sex a few times, and each time I felt dirty afterwards, which was a whole new sensation. Then I noticed how each time he was around me he was instantly angry and had an attitude but I wanted to believe it was still fixable. Clue Number 15. At that time I really believed that we would work through this and get back together because we “loved one another.” (I guess this is the addiction that these type of people create.)

On September 12, 2013, after having not been able to sleep in 12 days except for a cat nap here and there, I began to run into walls and my vision was blurry. I knew it was because I needed sleep, but I just couldn’t get there without him by my side. So I text and asked him if he would come over that evening and lay with me until I feel asleep. He agreed, showed up on time, ate dinner and, despite knowing I was upset and grieving, he proceeded to communicate with other women over his phone the entire evening and totally blew me off.

When it was time to go to bed he wanted to have sex, I agreed, and that was the last time he was in my bed and over at my house for longer than a few minutes. I felt so dirty the next morning I could hardly stand myself, but I had a new feeling of being free and not having to stress over him coming home and I actually liked that feeling.

Never looked back

He really has never looked back, refused to answer any of my “Why” texts, refused to show any emotions whatsoever, and I had no idea what was going on until a family member made a comment of him being a narcissist. A what? So I researched and read the symptoms and he has almost all of them. This is when I realized he had a disorder and that other people have gone through the same problems, if not worse, at the hands of an emotionless person.

Even though I know what he is, it has only been 20 days today, and I fight the urge to text and call constantly in an attempt to find answers. I know he has already found someone else to have sex with and that just makes me want to go have sex with someone just so he is not the last person I was with … to mentally and physically be rid of him, but I know that will not help.

Moving forward

I know that I have to lose weight, get in shape, and find my own personal happiness and I have been working real hard toward that goal. I regularly work out, although slowly, and have already lost 10 pounds. Yet I think about him every day. I pray he never finds happiness although he seems to be pretty happy. I hate him and still love him. It is like I have lost my mind and am consumed by the man I want him to be. I am addicted to a sociopath and that scares the crap out of me, but I don’t know what to do.

I have learned through the wonderful people here that I can forgive myself, blame him, and move on. Except that is hard to do because it is still so new to me. I have never been so hurt in my life, and yet feel so relieved at the same time.

I can only look forward to accept what has happened as true, to know what he is and stop thinking of him as a person but more of the monster he is, and move forward day by day. And I have to establish No Contact and maintain NC in order to rid myself of the false reality I lived for so long.

Thank you for allowing me to share my horror story. I will keep everyone posted on my progress, as I am sure I will need supportive encouragement during my weak times, and will stick to the NC policy. If I lapse you all can throw tomatoes at me … lol!

 



13 Comments on "Letter to Lovefraud: How I was duped by a young sociopath and believed all his lies – until now!"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Linette says:

    Oh honey, I am so so sorry you went through this. Your experience sounds like my first experience with a sociopath (yes I have been through THREE). None of them had ANY regrets or emotion about moving on. I too had such an urge to contact the first one that I had my phone number changed. He had moved 4 hours away without telling me and STILL was making excuses about why why why he did this, that everything. I knew if I continued to talk to him I would give in again and again and I was already in such emotional turmoil. I was obsessed with nothing else but him. It took everything I had to get my phone number changed and unlisted. But I did it. I hurt, cried, went without sleep and started to give in and call him a million times but I didn’t. It took a while but eventually the feelings of wanting him, the obsession, slowly got less and less. It’s weird when I look back, seems so clear now what he was doing. He was married (NEVER thought I would see a married man!) but said his wife was awful and abusive but he was staying for his little boy bla bla bla and I bought EVERY WORD. I understand what you are saying completely. Hang in there. Please if you feel like contacting him, call someone, go to a friend’s house, whatever you have to do but no contact. As long as you keep ANY contact, you will have to start over again each time. Trust me. The addiction will only be broken over time, as you start to SEE him for what he really is in an objective manner instead of subjective. You come here and read and read and read and talk to us. You can do it! You’ll be SO glad you did!



    Report this comment

  2. kaya48 says:

    This could really be my life story. I am amazed how cold hearted and empty they are. My soon to be ex husband would do the exact same thing. Always blame me ” how boring I am in bed, how I don’t initiate sex and so on “. All this while he was having an affair with his co worker. And then one day I was discarded after 20 years. Thrown away like trash. He left and never looked back. Only came back to pick up sound things for his new place. I had enough after a few months and filed for divorce. I am on day 75 no contact. And I am so proud of this. It gave me my life back. I am over it now even though I went through hell the first few months. Now no more emotions or feelings. It’s all about money in court now. I will never let anyone treat me like a doormat again. I don’t care who this monster is seeing or he moved on. For me and my son he never existed and will never hold a special place in our hearts. Never. good luck and stay strong in your no contact. That’s the only way to recover.



    Report this comment

    • Kataroux says:

      Kaya:

      I can’t wait till I am 72 days with NC…being that I am back at day 2 today. The difference between today and the first of the month when he moved out…I know who he really is, and that has made all the difference. I read my own story and thought “how did I not see all that then” and I realize I did see it. I chose to look the other way for fear of being alone. I never wanted to be alone, always dreamed of a husband to grow old with, etc. (we all know the fairy tale). Over the years when I would inquire about his “internet girlfriends” I know every lame story he told me and every time he blamed me that what I said was true. I realize that for fear of being alone, I forgot who I was and ALLOWED this young man to come in and scam me. But I feel strong knowing that now because I can change and find my true self and become comfortable in my own skin and he will always be miserable and always using someone and I will be happy to the very core!!

      He may have gotten the best of me then, but he can’t have the best of me now!



      Report this comment

      • kaya48 says:

        Katareaux
        Reading the above comment it shows that you are improving . Yes I also did not want to see the truth because I wanted to hold on to my marriage, my hopes and my dreams for the future and then of course I was afraid of being alone. But if you look at it it was a lonely marriage already. A narcissist is not capable of loving, caring and being honest. You know trust is based on truth . If there is no truth there is no trust. Without trust there is no love. The entire foundation is missing . I am pretty content now by myself and truly hope that nobody can fool me like this again . It sure will be difficult to trust any man again. It’s a shame how they just destroy entire families and then walk away as they were never a part of it. They just move on to the next victim. Now I am truly thankful this inhuman creature is out of my life. Do I hate him? As a Christian I shouldn’t but honestly I only feel hate for him.



        Report this comment

  3. cannh says:

    Kataroux…

    From what you’ve written, clearly this man has some serious sociopathic tendencies. Now that you know what he is all about, the question is, why would you ever want to see this guy again? You need to believe in yourself and know you deserve so much better!

    carolann



    Report this comment

  4. blossom4th says:

    kataroux,
    As I read your story,I could see the similarities of mine running through it like veins.Girl,do like my neighbor…find a stuffed monster doll that represents D and put it up where no kids can play with it.(but WHERE YOU SEE IT)It is there to remind you of your feelings so that when you feel like txting,you drop that phone like you were stung by a bee!

    My husband is a narcissist.He even admitted it when I accused him of it!He was easy to figure out as he liked looking at himself in the mirror!For some reason those guys love to humiliate women and make them feel inferior in every way…especially in bed!Not only did he completely shut me out (silent treatment),but he withheld affection totally for yrs…I did a really good job of keeping it secret,I thought.OMG,was I ever humiliated when I had to be seen by a gynecologist last year and start answering questions!I was furious with him because he thought it was funny!Seven monthes later I was gone!



    Report this comment

    • kaya48 says:

      Blossom
      My husband is an extreme narcissist also and proudly admitted to it. I am wondering do they actually feel pride being such monsters? He also “punished” me with the silent treatment and withholding affection. Back then I thought this was normal. Now I realize how abusive this is. Oh yes and did he live looking in the mirror. He even stated sometimes that I should thank him for being so handsome and I am so lucky that he is with me. I think that is why he got so much pleasure out of sending nude pictures to the 20 something co worker. In emails she told him “how hot he was”. I was always so sad because he never ever complimented me but told her how sexy she is. Why would I want a person like him back into my life? I now know that I stayed because I thought he provided security and a stable life for his family. But even that part was an illusion as he walked out on us one evening and never returned. Sadly it was the night I got released from the hospital for heart issues. Again there was no empathy or compassion. We do not need and mostly we do not deserve a spouse who treats us like we are nothing. I often wish I would have realized this a long time ago. I find strength in knowing that I put an end to it. That one last step to freedom and piece belonged to me by filing for divorce first.



      Report this comment

      • blossom4th says:

        kaya48,
        Aren’t they disgusting?!!! I felt offended when (yes,he was proud!)he admitted happily that he was narcissic!What was incomprehensible to me is that he was (still is)morbidly obese,his hygiene was awful (probably still is)and he had never been good about keeping a job long.He was in better shape when I left him the first time.When I went back to him(after 5 yrs) he got his revenge by making me his 24 hr caregiver! If it wasn’t for the “trauma bonding” and hopes of making it work this time (he ACTED as if he’d changed)I would never have have stuck around.Well,gotta admit,I was vulnerable because I’d started having panic attacks.



        Report this comment

  5. LadyA says:

    Kataroux,

    Stay strong. Now is the most important time to know that people in the world love you and care for you. He is a leech and even though it hurts to get rid of him, he’s going to suck you dry if you don’t. I always said the hardest part of my spath experience was leaving him, and that’s true. But I am so thankful to this day (2.5 years later) that I did.

    If you still play and need an ear look me up. kaleesie#1414



    Report this comment

  6. kaya48 says:

    Blossom
    How long were you married ? I did have panic attacks also but they disappeared along with my high blood pressure soon after he left us. My doctor is just so happy with my progress. And I finally realized that no matter what my son and I did for him, he was never truly happy. Everything was fake about him. I always had this unease feeling around him that I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough or worthy enough to be his wife. I know I have this “battle” ahead of me divorcing him but not once did I question this decision. The only thing I am constantly worried about is what could he throw in my path now ? Him being a cop I just have to be so careful. I just never know what kind of lie he could make up. But I have my guard up and I know he will never ever abuse me or my son again. Thanks for all your honest stories and comments.



    Report this comment

  7. aotearoaangel says:

    Bloody hell, reading this has just made me realise that the relationship I had BEFORE the spath one was also a spath. Wow, wow, wow, how dumb am I?
    I still remember those feelings, how hard it was. How awfully hard it was to leave to give him ‘space’.
    Scarily it so set me up for the next spath one, I was so wounded, so haemorrhaging emotionally with no idea of who I was or any confidence in my value. I must have been like a mega neon homing signal- pick me pick me!!
    Oh that’s SO useful to know! Thank you for sharing that. For me a major eye popper!!



    Report this comment

  8. bscharming says:

    I feel for you and i hope that someway you can find a way to keep
    away from him. I know it is not easy but please try to stay away
    as much as you can.it helps to talk this out with a friend, therapist, or on line on this site.



    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.