Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mal from the reader who posts as “Kataroux.”
In December 2005, my husband, who was also a sociopath, just not as ruthless, overdosed and died. I was devastated by the sudden death, and the fact that he chose to do it on my Son’s 11th birthday. The first person to show up was my recent sociopath (we will call him “D” so he has a name), and he was there to “help me through” and “make me laugh.” He was a relative of my late husband but knew what I had gone through with my husband’s drug addiction, and he and I had spent many of hours talking about what was going on for years prior to my husband’s death. So he knew me very well, knew I loved completely, and knew I would serve the need for his sociopathic ways. I wish I would have known then what I know now.
It all started immediately after the funeral. My late husband’s two closest friends came over to the house while D was here and proceeded to tell me how they promised to take care of me, etc., and it scared me with all the sudden attention because I am by no means a beautiful woman. It was about that time that I was having issues with my youngest child, who was 9 at the time, acting out in anger.
It was during one of those battles, and after another night of the same two friends coming over and telling me how great I am, that D really amped it up and asked if he could move in and “help with the children.” When I agreed was when he “laid claim” to me and began promising me the world. And him being a much younger man really gave me an internal boost, so to speak, and I began to laugh and cut up and spend more than I should. I guess that was the master plan.
The first clues
After about 2 months into the live in, full time relationship, he made the comment, “I knew you had money.” It struck me as such an odd comment that it has stuck with me to this day, 6 ½ years later. That should have been Clue Number 1.
Then in the 4th month I found him chatting with a local woman on the internet and he advised that he really wanted to go out with her. In my utter shock I actually gave him my credit card and car and told him to go. I was so confused at what was happening that I didn’t know what to feel, so I just went along with it. On the night of the date he picked her up, went to the movie theater to discover the movie he wanted to see (which was a movie we had talked about seeing together) was sold out and he brought her back here to my house. They sat in the living room for all of 20 minutes before he was jumping in my bed with her in tow and wanting to watch a movie with me which totally threw me off guard and I just sat there in shock and then he just up and told her “you got to go” and we both brought her home. I guess that should have been Clue Number 2 …
Then about 6 months into it (I know, how many clues did I need, apparently more than enough) I came home from work and found him lying in bed chatting to a girl on the internet, telling her he “loved her” and “missed her” and “wanted to be with her.” I threw a fit and asked him what the F— was going on. I told him how I felt and that it hurt me that he could not tell me he loved me but could tell this other woman and that if he wanted her so F-ing bad he could go be with her. He gave me some story about how she is this “stupid bitch” he talked to on the internet from time to time and how those were just “words she wanted to hear” and “meant nothing” and to my own dismay, I bought it, hook line and sinker. That was when he began to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me. I know…Clue Number 3.
Porn and Internet girlfriends
Over the next several years I would catch him watching an excessive amount of porn on the computer and discovered that he was chatting to other women again. I would make a comment on how those were his “internet girlfriends” and it would really piss him off and he would accuse me of being insecure and then would just “shut down” (i.e. the silent treatment). When that would happen I would get so upset and try that much harder to make things right that I would literally make myself physically sick. However, that didn’t stop me from giving him everything he wanted plus some, even down to borrowing money to make him happy. Clues Number 4 and 5!
Then in 2010 he and my youngest began to fight constantly and my youngest suggested that he go live with his father. I agreed to let him go so that I would not have to live in a hostile environment. Of course, D was happy to see him go. Clue Number 6.
In late-2011, D, my oldest son, and I were all online playing World of Warcraft when I looked over and noticed he was private chatting with a fellow teammate who was a girl. I questioned him about it and again, instant defensiveness, and he said they were talking about the game. I didn’t buy it so I began paying closer attention to his Facebook, e-mail, phone texts, etc. Sure enough, one day she was on his Facebook, and when I mentioned it he didn’t say anything, he just “shut down.” Yep, Clue Number 7. But, stupid me, that didn’t stop me from trying to make things right.
Something was shifting
In mid-2012, he began to change. Something in him was shifting. I could see it on his face when he would look at me and he began to become angry all the time and yell at everyone and generally made coming home from work a living hell. Clue Number 8.
Then during the last week of November 2012, we were fighting and I said in a small voice “maybe we need to part ways” and he sat there for a minute and said “maybe” and he moved out of my bedroom (not my house) and moved into my youngest son’s room and began to completely ignore me. I would cry, he would push out a tear, and tell me how I was not sexually attracted to him and how I never made a move on him, etc. and I felt horrible because I could not believe he was unhappy because we were not having enough sex. I mean sex was always amazing for me! SO, what do I do? I say, well let’s change the dynamics and you can be a dominant in the bedroom and I will submit to your every whim. (I know, stupid, stupid, stupid) He agreed and we got back together and things started going great. Clue Number 9!
Get a job
We started off this year wonderfully; it was filled with laughter, great sex, and plans of the future. Then in March I learned that I was going to be suffering a major financial set back soon and I approached him and told him I really needed him to get a job and help contribute to the family. He easily agreed and said that he wanted to contribute to the family and he found a full-time job where my ex-husband (the father of my children) and a mutual friend work. (I wondered why he got a job so easily when he refused to work during the whole time we were together, except for the occasional cash jobs, of which he kept most of his money).
Since we had only one vehicle, a car I just bought for myself, he immediately began complaining about riding to work with someone else and how he needed his own vehicle and in June I borrowed some more money for a down payment on a truck for him and I co-signed for the auto loan. Immediately after that he would began asking me, “how much of my money do you need this week?” It really struck a nerve with me, because I never asked him that question when I got paid. Clues 10 and 11.
Fighting every day
From that moment on we began to fight every day and he began to argue with my oldest for the sake of argument. It was like he was constantly picking a fight. (Of course, if you hear his version I was a horrible person who did nothing for him and all he did was try to make me happy — lying bastard.) Clue Number 12.
On August 28, 2013, I came home from work and texted him, “hey handsome how is your day” and he went nuts on me, accusing me of texting just because I knew it was payday and what a bitch I am, etc. Clue Number 13!
That night I just had enough, I could not live in constant turmoil anymore and I told him I was “done” and he got up and walked out and went to a mutual friend’s house and told them how I was just losing my mind and how he just can’t seem to make me happy. Two days later he informed me he found a place, asked if I minded if he brought some stuff over there and when I said “no I sure don’t,” he asked if he could have some spare furniture, which I gave him. He packed up his personal belonging and left … and never looked back, except to come pick up things I packed for him. And when he would come around, he always had an attitude and treated me like crap. CLUE NUMBER 14.
Still having sex
After he moved out we agreed to continue to be sexual partners until he found someone else. So we had sex a few times, and each time I felt dirty afterwards, which was a whole new sensation. Then I noticed how each time he was around me he was instantly angry and had an attitude but I wanted to believe it was still fixable. Clue Number 15. At that time I really believed that we would work through this and get back together because we “loved one another.” (I guess this is the addiction that these type of people create.)
On September 12, 2013, after having not been able to sleep in 12 days except for a cat nap here and there, I began to run into walls and my vision was blurry. I knew it was because I needed sleep, but I just couldn’t get there without him by my side. So I text and asked him if he would come over that evening and lay with me until I feel asleep. He agreed, showed up on time, ate dinner and, despite knowing I was upset and grieving, he proceeded to communicate with other women over his phone the entire evening and totally blew me off.
When it was time to go to bed he wanted to have sex, I agreed, and that was the last time he was in my bed and over at my house for longer than a few minutes. I felt so dirty the next morning I could hardly stand myself, but I had a new feeling of being free and not having to stress over him coming home and I actually liked that feeling.
Never looked back
He really has never looked back, refused to answer any of my “Why” texts, refused to show any emotions whatsoever, and I had no idea what was going on until a family member made a comment of him being a narcissist. A what? So I researched and read the symptoms and he has almost all of them. This is when I realized he had a disorder and that other people have gone through the same problems, if not worse, at the hands of an emotionless person.
Even though I know what he is, it has only been 20 days today, and I fight the urge to text and call constantly in an attempt to find answers. I know he has already found someone else to have sex with and that just makes me want to go have sex with someone just so he is not the last person I was with … to mentally and physically be rid of him, but I know that will not help.
I know that I have to lose weight, get in shape, and find my own personal happiness and I have been working real hard toward that goal. I regularly work out, although slowly, and have already lost 10 pounds. Yet I think about him every day. I pray he never finds happiness although he seems to be pretty happy. I hate him and still love him. It is like I have lost my mind and am consumed by the man I want him to be. I am addicted to a sociopath and that scares the crap out of me, but I don’t know what to do.
I have learned through the wonderful people here that I can forgive myself, blame him, and move on. Except that is hard to do because it is still so new to me. I have never been so hurt in my life, and yet feel so relieved at the same time.
I can only look forward to accept what has happened as true, to know what he is and stop thinking of him as a person but more of the monster he is, and move forward day by day. And I have to establish No Contact and maintain NC in order to rid myself of the false reality I lived for so long.
Thank you for allowing me to share my horror story. I will keep everyone posted on my progress, as I am sure I will need supportive encouragement during my weak times, and will stick to the NC policy. If I lapse you all can throw tomatoes at me … lol!