lf1

Sociopaths and love

If you’re like most Lovefraud readers, you’re here because you were romantically involved with a sociopath. This person probably declared love for you — repeatedly, exuberantly and convincingly. Then the individual lied to you, betrayed you, cheated on you, abused you and perhaps even threatened you.

You were left stunned, distraught and devastated. How could someone who loved you treat you so badly?

A letter Lovefraud received recently might help you understand why that person’s love was so shallow:

I have read several articles on your site out of curiosity and boredom over the past few weeks, and I agree with almost all of their content. If I weren’t a sociopath I would probably find some of those articles useful. In my opinion, however, you seem to have missed one important point about us. I’m not blaming or criticizing you for this, because it isn’t your fault. This point is that we can love in some way.

It isn’t some intense feeling. You aren’t “attached” to the other person. It is more like a different way of seeing a person. They stop being just another background character in your life, who does things for you and who you occasionally have conflicts with. Instead, you enjoy their company, feel protective and possessive of them, and become very disappointed if they die or otherwise fall out of your life. Another sociopath, a friend of mine, once told me that he felt a similar way for his girlfriend, and he was surprised that I could relate to this.

What I think is strange about this version of love is that, for me at least, is that I had the same feeling for a close friend who has since died, my pet guinea pig, and a boyfriend who I became bored with and broke up with. In the latter case, I felt disappointed when I realized we had nothing new to talk about, and we had fallen in to a rut. The disappointment was over by the time I formally broke up a few days later.

This particular sociopath equates “love” with “enjoyment.” From her point of view, if the enjoyment is no longer in the relationship, neither is love.

Other sociopaths equate love and sex. When they say, “I love you,” what they are really saying is, “I want to have sex with you.”

So sociopaths may not always be lying when they say, “I love you.” Sociopaths may think they do love you. They simply don’t know what the word means.

Three parts to love

What exactly is love? Poets, playwrights and songwriters over the ages have struggled to describe the sensation of falling in love, and the pain of losing love. No matter how beautiful the language,  words are often inadequate. We just know love when we feel it.

Scientists have also tried to explain love. Philip R. Shaver and Mario Mikulincer wrote a paper called A Behavioral Systems Approach to Romantic Love Relationships: Attachment, Caregiving, and Sex. Their explanation of love is useful for us because it illustrates why sociopaths can appear to be in love, when they really aren’t.

Shaver and Mikulincer say there are three distinct components to romantic love:

  1. Attachment — you want to be around and spend time with the person you love.
  2. Sex — you want to have physical relations with the person you love.
  3. Caregiving — you want to take care of the person you love. You are concerned about his or her health, wellbeing and growth.

Real love has all three of these components. Sociopath, however, only experience two of them.

Sociopaths fail at caregiving

Sociopaths experience attachment — they definitely want to be with you, especially in the beginning. And they certainly want sex.

But sociopaths are not capable of true caregiving. They really are not concerned about you, your future or your fulfillment. Sometimes they seem to be taking care of you, but it’s not because they actually want what is best for you. Sociopathic caregiving is all about manipulation and control.

This is why love with a sociopath is so confusing. They do actually want to be with you. The sex is often extraordinary. They sometimes pretend to take care of you.  And sociopaths can keep the act going for a long time—until you are no longer useful to them, or they lose interest.

Another email

I never replied to author of the above email — there is no point in engaging a sociopath. So about a week later, she wrote again.

At this point, I’m sure that if you were going to reply to my letter, you would have by now. Why haven’t you written back? I considered writing it from the perspective of a normal person, but I figured that you would see through it if I began with “My friend has this disorder and SHE said…” Do you think that just because I’m different from you that I deserve to be ignored? It isn’t my fault that I was born a certain way. You could have just as easily been born a psycho. Would you ignore normal people because you think you’re better than them? I don’t. I know that both types of people—and we are both people, I hope you aren’t so deep in your own world as to think we aren’t—have their merits, strengths, weaknesses, and perspectives that are worth considering. Don’t you agree?

Actually I don’t agree. Yes, it’s sad that sociopaths are born with the genetics for the disorder, and often grow up in difficult, even abusive, environments. But when someone says she’s a sociopath, and sounds like a sociopath, I have a choice on how to respond. I’ll play it safe and stay away.

 



68 Comments on "Sociopaths and love"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. survivorlady says:

    Hello my friends,
    I have been on this site for almost 5 years, and it has helped me understand what a sociopath is. I was married for almost 20 years, and because I loved him with all my heart, I think I actually lost myself in him. My two beautiful kids live with me and have not seen their father in almost 5 years, that is how long I have remained no contact. My kids, a girl who is 21 and in University and has ambitions to become a doctor is the most compassionate, kind, and giving person you would want to meet. However, no mention must be made of her father in front of her, she has changed her last name, and has erased him from her future. She had seen his violence firsthand towards me and her brother, and understands that her father is not able to be cured. This of course comes from knowledge from her textbooks and research. She is angry at her father because he purposely hurts people and no good can come from her association with him. My son who was totally hated by his father, has no fond memories of him and hates him for what he did to me and his sister. The hardest part at the beginning of my separation was accepting that my marriage was an illusion, that I was married to a ghost and he did not actually exist, I actually had loved an non-existant person. Hard thing for my heart to understand, but somehow, the love that I had for him, manifested itself in my kids, they are the total opposite of him. God somehow gave me all that love back in my kids. It was all worth it. My children turned out to be kind only because whatever gene was within was probably suppressed by a loving environment. My days are getting better, sometimes I fall into that past pit of evil and my mind asks questions and I get sucked back in, and it takes all my energy to come out of the pit and to be grateful that I came out of it in one piece and I am able to take care of my kids. I am still battling the courts, but when he sees me, I see the anger because I have never looked better, he on the other hand looks like hell, and that is where he belongs. I actually think he will live a long life, cause the devil does not want him, too much competition.
    So do sociopaths love ? Yes they do, in their own way, which is not the normal kind of love,its more of a temporary addiction, and when you tire them, for whatever reason, they find the addiction elsewhere. I was idolized, swooned, made to feel like a princess, and then thrown away in a blink of an eye, I did not know what happened. If it was not for family therapy, the police department and this site along with an overload of information, I am not sure what would have happened. But I did want to say to you all that there is hope, and if we look around we can see good things coming our way.
    Thank you everyone for your input, please keep them coming.
    Take care and God bless.



    Report this comment

    • flicka says:

      So very glad you have the love and care of your two grown children; hang on to that whenever you feel weak! And please don’t ever feel quilty as it van happen to the most intelligent, kind and talented person. You may have been seeking love but aren’t we all? And you are the victor with two wonderful children! Bravo girl!



      Report this comment

    • kaya48 says:

      Wow this testimony assured me once again that I should not feel “guilt” that my 18 year old son has cut off all contact to his father also. My soon to be ex husband does not realize what scars he left behind and should feel ashamed for what he has put his wife and don through. He was trying so hard to put all blame on me in telling my son I was mentally ill,mentally unstable and going as far as saying I am not taking my prescriptions accordingly. I never had. A mental illness in my life or took any prescription medication other than for hypertension. Strangely my hypertensive vanished a month after my husband discarded me. The past 20 years have been a total lie and the lies that I still find out are unbelievable. I still remember the silent treatments we received as a form of punishment. The outbursts when he yelled and steamed at us in a drill seargent voice that made me shake and cry. My son also attends a university here in hopes to become a successful computer engeneer. He always saw the truth on his father. I wish he did not see me cry in a closet on a daily base. But things are getting better. I will get through this divorce and plan on keeping the no contact at all. I want him to just vanish to smother state or far away. My son and I feel so much at peace and in a way we are so thankful for his young deputy co worker to take him away from us. If it wasn’t for her we would still suffer. So Miss deputy thank you from the bottom of my heart to initiate an affair with my husband. At first I hated you but today I want to thank you and I hope you have more strength than me to deal with a narcissistic sociopath. You know when you become boring or unattractive to him he will discard you the same way. Until then enjoy his anise and you know his good looks are just a mask he will eventually take off.



      Report this comment

  2. bscharming says:

    thanks for all the support , i really need it. i have been lucky to have good family and friends and
    doctors who really care about me. also my cats too . It is hard to accept all that has happened to
    me and all the lying as well. When he saw me he had a shame reaction- he put his hand to his head
    and looked down . he has what to be ashamed about. I told his family that they have a responsbility
    to protect innocent people and not look the other way. The family has been in contact with me alot.
    His mother calls me but i will never forget her words…..he has done this before and never trust him.
    His own 85 year old mother said that to me. This woman who is with him now is being manipulated
    and used- she wrote a book all about her relationship with him and even wrote on this site – that is
    how i found Donna, which has helped me because i did not understand what the word narcissism meant. His brother many years ago before we got married tried to warn me, he said he is a narcissist. The red flag did not go off then for many reasons back then. So today i understand.
    I do not want to end up like her. I want to get better and find a partner who will really love and care
    about me .



    Report this comment

  3. jm_short says:

    I can vouch for the “long lost Daddy” affect.

    Psychopaths generally treat their children either of two ways. They either make them their “golden child,” or they make them their “scapegoat.” A child whose other parent is wise to them will likely become shunned. The knowledge of that parent is not what they want following them around in their life and they need to sever themselves from the child who parrots that view in order to make a new conquest.

    Unfortunately, abandonment can easily cause cleaving to the parent later in life, regardless of the values you attempt to instill. Psychopaths are charmers, and when they decide they want to charm your children, they will. The chemicals that cause trust and love in their brain can also cause attachment and longing for a parent who abandons. I have this situation presently in my life. But back when my son was 6, he would have behaved similarly to the daughter of Freedom.

    As my son grew up, there was no shared information about emotional predators in the media. Had I been raising him today, I would have made sure he understood about the behavior of psychopathy to whatever extent that information could be absorbed at his maturity level. If I had read Dr. Leedom’s book, Just Like His Father, back then, I would have made adjustments in how I dealt with his father’s total withdrawal from my son’s life.

    Abandonment of a child teaches the child how to abandon and that abandonment is acceptable behavior. So even though you wish that you never have to talk to or face the other parent again, that could be the most harmful thing you could do to your child’s moral development.

    The presence of the offensive parent in your child’s life can give you the opportunity to help them understand the lack of empathy and true caring that they witness. You need to be especially careful to supply loads of tenderness, nurturing and emotional support. And you need to be totally informed about how predators operate so you don’t get sucked into the vortex.

    None of us intended to parent a psychopath’s child. But because we did, the message we send to our children can’t be to respect the other parent no matter what. Loving them does not mean respecting and obeying them if they are morally disordered.

    No matter what you do to raise your child, they will have a difficult path to maturity because of the impact of genes and interaction with a disordered parent. All you can do is the very best you know how. The rest is in God’s hands.

    JmS



    Report this comment

    • flicka says:

      My personal experience turned out to be the opposite ofyours jm. Because I was left with 5 abused (physically and emotionally) children, I felt it imperative to explain to them that their bad tempers were a result of their abuse as opposed to their basically being “evil” individuals. At the samew time, I also tried to give them a lot of love and care and teach them good behavior. As teenagers they were all smart, healthy and ideal children. However, later in life,their abusive dad’s claims became accepted as reality. They therefore claimed that I had always told them their dad had been abusive and they turned against me. Having no money for counseling help, I raised them the very best way I could under the circumstances. They all went on to become quite successful in life, one even becomming a pediatric endocrinologist but somewhere along the way, they too became psychotic…perhaps froim a combiination of genes and a dog-eat-dog society which tends to promote psychotic behavior. My point is that there is no way a caring parent can predict how their parenting ways may affect their offspring.
      On the other hand, my ex daughter-in-law raised her son never raferencing his dad’s psychotic behavior but now at the age of 21, the son is gradually learning that his father’s affection was only skin deep. His father recently remarried a gal who has two sons and has therefore all but abandoned his own son. She is watching very closely to see if her loving son begins to show psychotic traits like his father. So who knows what is the best way of bringing up the child of a psychotic? I will be watching now that my grandchildren are entering the workforce. The same age when my wonderful children began showing psychotic traits!



      Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.