Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a woman whom we’ll call “Clarissa.” She dated a man whom we’ll call “Bradford.” Clarissa is sharing a letter he sent her, which is posted with all its original misspellings.
I met Bradford nearly three years ago. I had never heard of a sociopath and I fell for his charm and good looks. He seemed to be the man of my dreams.
One year after our relationship ended and now knowing I loved a sociopath, I am starting to put my life back on track, I am paying back the debt he left me in and even looking to meet someone new. I will not let him ruin anymore of my life.
I am lucky to have got away from him, but I wanted to share a letter he wrote to me a month after we started dating. Now when I read it I can see how manipulative he was. I hope sharing this may help other to see what I missed.
I express myself better when I write and I’m in an expressive mood so here I am writing to you.
I completely understand that your past experiences will have an influence on you. This is natural. Combine your past with some of your friend’s bad relationships and your sister’s nightmare of an Ex and its no wonder to me that you are suspicious or even sceptical of me. I get it and understand it completely. And I think you are absolutely right in saying that words are merely a collection of letters if they are not backed up with actions and behaviours that match.
However, I have something to add and for you to consider perhaps. Since meeting you I have had moments where I too would want to hold back, be safe, protect myself but then I think, why? I’ve been hoping for this so why wait? It makes no sense when you think about it. It’s like winning the lottery only to hold back on the celebrations when you do win. I still have moments and mini freak outs but the fact is that you coming into my life is a monumental bit of good fortune and I choose to celebrate.
You see, for me, I’m not ok with an ‘ok’ relationship, and I decided a while back now that I’d sooner spend the rest of my life single then give up looking and settle for an ‘ok’ relationship. I think of those sonnets and romantic movies and true love stories like describing how a pear tastes to an alien (bare with me!). You can describe it, read about it, watch movies on it, listen to songs about it as much as you like but the only true way to find out how a pear tastes is by tasting it. Mistaking true love for lust, jealousy, infatuation or an ‘ok’ relationship is like tasting a peardrop sweet. It tastes vaguely like a pear but you know deep down there’s something false about it, something’s not right, its ok but its not the real thing.
Most people settle for a peardrop but I think you and I have tasted a peardrop (some of yours and mine ended up tasting really bad in the middle!) and I reckon now we deserve the real thing. Once someone bites into a real pear, they know it’s the real thing. You can attempt to describe the differences but to an alien they will sound like the same thing (are you still with me?!). When the alien turns and says: “So how can you tell the difference becasue they both sound the same to me?”, all you can say is that you just know, you can just tell.
With you, I “just know. But besides just knowing and being able to tell the difference, I find myself thinking about you all the time and that makes my heart smile. I actually look forwards to seeing you – and that’s a complete novelty for me. I miss you like there’s something missing when not with you – again a novelty. Three words go round my head when I see you – like some sort of turrets. I have an immediate, type of innate want to support and protect you from harm, be there for you when needed and a real wish for you to be happy and feel secure.
I can understand that some people will say its too early to say such things, and yes, if I was a teenager with irrational emotion driven hormones raging round my body, with little life experience and little intuition, I’d say that they were right. However, I’m not a teenager and I’ve had two lifetimes worth of experiences in one life so far, and I’m highly intuitive so I can say to those people “how long does it take then?” One month? Two? Three? A year? Two? After all, you’d know a real pear from a peardrop almost immediately after tasting it.
I have the same fears as you, it’ would be exciting and yet very scary to win the lottery too but I say fuck the fear and embrace the luck and fortune, surrender to it, go with the flow, enjoy it like there is no tomorrow… and all that jazz. Amongst these clichés, pear anologies and lottery references (bit strange I know but that’s me), what I am trying to say is that these words are not an arrangement of letters; they are backed with true and real feelings, real honourable motivation and real genuine compassion and love for you. I am not any of your ex’s, I am Bradford and there is only one of me and I deserve you, as much as you deserve me, and that, as far as I’m concerned is as simple as that….so why didn’t I just say that at the beginning?! : ) xxxx
Thank you for sharing your story and helping me move on with my life.