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Leaving the sociopath, applying for food stamps

Editor’s note: The following essay is by a Lovefraud reader who writes under a pseudonym.

By Quinn Pierce

This isn’t exactly the interview I had prepared for. As a matter of fact, this wasn’t an interview I even knew how to prepare for. All I knew was that somewhere along the way, my life had taken a detour without any warning. Looking back, it’s almost embarrassing how many warning signs there actually were, but in context, they were seemingly harmless acts that built up over time to construct the house of cards my life had become. But I didn’t want to think about that at the moment, all I wanted was to get this over with, and go home.

The waiting room was the perfect compliment to my mood. My stomach turned and twisted as I looked around the neglected, dingy, claustrophobic room. I felt a wave of embarrassment tinged with shame as I shifted in my seat. I sat on a cold metal folding chair clutching the file of papers I had now come to think of as ‘my life in print.’ A year ago, I proudly carried my photography portfolio everywhere I went, showing potential clients and interested onlookers my favorite photographs compiled in one treasured, leather bound, professional photo album engraved with my name in gold leaf. Now, a slightly worn, pink file folder with my initials scribbled in pencil accompanied me everywhere. And instead of beautiful portraits and custom business cards, I carried my preliminary divorce decree, proof of identity, amended tax returns, and various receipts and pay stubs. All of this was required for today’s meeting — the final step of the application for food stamps.

A little girl, about five years old, played on the floor next to her mother who was busy nursing a colicky infant causing the stress level in the room to surpass the industrial-gray ceiling tiles. I hadn’t made eye contact with anyone in the room up to this point, but I felt a maternal need to help this young mother, and connecting with children was much easier. I hastily drew a picture of a cartoon animal on the back of my folder and showed it to the little girl. She looked up at the picture and smiled; she was perfectly comfortable and at ease. I was grateful for the distraction.

Meeting the caseworker

When the interviewer called my name, I cringed a bit before following her into the little cubicle of the social services office. Something about hearing my name announced made me want to hide, but I held my head as high as I could and prepared to tell my case worker how it had come to pass that I desperately needed help feeding my family. It seemed ironic that as soon as I reclaimed my dignity by ending the sixteen-year marriage to someone who turned out to be the opposite of everything I thought he was, I felt as though bits and pieces of this newfound dignity were being broken off at every pass.

After a brief, and somewhat impersonal introduction, the caseworker ran through the list of questions that now sounded very familiar to my ears. My answers, however, still sounded foreign as I outlined my life for this stranger while trying to sound self-reliant and in need of assistance at the same time. Pride had long since left the building. I always said I would do whatever I needed to in order to take care of my children, but that is easy to say from the comfort of the leather seats in your customized luxury SUV.

I tried to make small talk with my interviewer. She was nice enough, but I could see she wanted to waste no time with a waiting room full of appointments. Her movements were well practiced and efficient as she typed information, took notes, reviewed paperwork and jumped up every so often to retrieve something from the printer. I could only assume her conversational sympathy had run out years earlier after listening to thousands of applicants as they chose from the standard list of reasons as to how they ended up here, holding out their hand for help. I heard my own voice trail off when the caseworker glanced over with the ‘whatever you say’ look. She continued with her monotone questioning. At this point, most of the conversation took place in my head, and I started to find comfort in this small escape. I realized my tone started to match hers as I answered: I have two children they are nothing like their father; I’m unemployed because my husband fired me from the business I helped him run for 12 years; I have a master’s degree yes, I should have been smart enough to know better; I own my home for the moment, anyway, but I’m already a month behind on my mortgage…

Never-ending fallout

And on and on it went as I tried to sound convincing that this was not the lowest point of my life. And in reality, it truly wasn’t. The condescending stares and pointed questions concerning the circumstances of my life were just more of the never-ending fallout of being married to a man with no conscience, no remorse, and no empathy. I was just beginning to take back control from someone who had no intentions of relinquishing that control. As painful as it was to apply for food stamps that day, I knew in my heart it was a much healthier choice for me and my children than to stay within the financial security of an abusive relationship. In the end, however, I would only receive $16 per month to help feed my boys. I think I spent more than that on gas driving an hour away for these scheduled appointments, so this experience would do little to help me assert my independence.

And as for embarrassing, food stamps were nothing compared to realizing you spent most of your adult life unaware you were being manipulated, controlled, and abused. I spent a long time living in silence. I couldn’t stand listening to other people who constantly complained about their spouses and always seemed to invite drama in their lives. I believed it wasn’t right to share my problems with friends and family, and that would later come back to bite me. I knew my divorce would be difficult, but I would soon find out this was to be a much bigger battle than I could have imagined. No one knew about the ‘secrets’ in our home, no one knew I was unhappy or that the boys were suffering. I would be portrayed as crazy for destroying my marriage and causing irreparable damage to my children. I was about to discover the sobering consequences of divorcing a sociopath.

 



15 Comments on "Leaving the sociopath, applying for food stamps"

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  1. Imara says:

    Quinn!!! You write beautifully!!! More….I want more….how are you managing?
    You know if one or more of you LF writers (or authors wannabes and SHOULD bes) could publish a barrage of articles just like this it would certainly help the cause!!! If there is a market for M.E. then there is certainly a market for us!!!!!
    I could so relate as you spoke….it almost feels like just as they resonate within their lying cheating deceiving bandwidth WE resonate within our own empathic resourceful competent one. Sounds like you will be ok…yes do what it takes to provide for those precious kids!!!! And stand tall knowing that you are doing the RIGHT thing. That I clung to in my darkest days….he could not take away my righteousness!!!
    Please write more??



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    • Quinn says:

      Imara, I don’t think I could possibly express how heartwarming your comments are to me. I am so honored to have such a wonderful place to share my experiences and let others know they are not alone in how they feel and what they are going through. You are absolutely correct that we are a great resource of courage and resilience for each other. I am always writing and hopefully, I can share some more with you 🙂
      Quinn



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    • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

      Dear Quinn,
      I agree with Imara. Your article stands out with it’s beautiful imagery. It’s you sharing my own feelings, feelings I have tried to bury or at least keep to myself b/c I learned that people dismiss those who try to explain how the abuse made them feel as attracting “drama” or “manipulative”.

      I appreciate the quality of the articles lately, and this one yours is stellar. I look forward to more, you help me validate myself. I also appreciate the quality of the corresponding replies lately too. They are full of warmth, understanding, support, and compassion, as Imara does in such a loving way.



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      • Quinn says:

        Wow, thank you so very much- you’re comments validate me and my experiences, too. I think it’s the best compliment for a reader to share how they were able to connect with my story as I share my own emotions. I understand all too well the feeling when others think you are looking for attention or trying to manipulate the situation, especially your friends and family. Writing is part of my healing and I’m thrilled that it can help others heal, as well.
        Quinn



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  2. cannh says:

    Quinn…

    I couldn’t agree more with the comments previous to mine. You do write beautifully! Please continue to share your story. We have all experienced so much incredible heartache as a result of having had these individuals in our lives.

    Stay strong my friend…and keep writing!

    carolann



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    • Quinn says:

      Thank you, carolann, for your lovely comments. I will keep writing and healing, and hopefully help others in their healing process as well. I’m grateful for all this wonderful support and I promise to keep sharing my story 🙂
      Quinn



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  3. aotearoaangel says:

    Quinn I absolutely agree with what others have said to you. I felt like I was in that room with you, could feel the fold up chair and hear the disinterested monotone. I so get the internal battles and wry humour we need to get past the sharp points of humiliation and loss.
    It strikes me over and over how much shame and self stigma we carry that is a product of relationships with sociopaths and how much that stops us talking or reaching out And all because we did nothing wrong except love an alien (I cant think of my ex as human, its not what I understand being human means. Although I may be doing real aliens a disservice here :-))
    Articles like you have written here make it easier to talk about, there was nothing to be ashamed of or humiliated in this- your dignity and values shine through and the wry humour makes it warm and well human. Thank you



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    • Quinn says:

      You’re heartfelt comments are touching, truly. Helping to open the lines of communication through writing is one way for me to make my experience have a greater purpose. We do, indeed, carry so much shame and other negative emotions as a result of trusting and loving someone who gives aliens a bad name 🙂 Thank you for the beautiful compliments you have given me, and most of all for the support and connections we can share to bridge our healing.
      Quinn



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  4. grskin says:

    Quinn, thank you for sharing this, you are a talented writer, please share more! My recovery has been through writing and reading the stories of others – I was in the same place as you, applying for food stamps, medical assistance, lost the only home my children have ever known to foreclosure, plus was dumped with huge debt I didn’t even know existed – while months before I was driving a Mercedes and playing on golf leagues, taking my children to their activities, “living” a “normal” life while inside I was empty and confused…until I realized who and what I was living with. I hope you are doing well and please know that you are doing the right thing, you will come out of this and be ok!



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    • Quinn says:

      Thanks grskin, for your supportive comments and for sharing your story with me, too. It sounds like you have similar experiences and it’s always helpful to hear success stories from others- meaning, you were able to get out and get healthy. I appreciate your encouragement and lovely compliments, and I promise to keep writing 🙂
      Quinn



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  5. matti says:

    Thank you Quinn! You do write beautifully 🙂 and I believe your life & your sons will get better!! I wish I’ve known about this site sooner…my life could or would have been different. I have been debating rather to go thru with child support or not! Terrify about the future of my baby and what will my ex do to him. I can’t afford good lawyer, so I am alone on this and will fight w/ his lawyer in court.



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    • Quinn says:

      Thanks so much matti, I’m glad you found this site, I think think it is wonderful, as well. If you are going to court with your ex, I think you should check and see if there are any services available to you that are free, you might check with the state or the court and see if there is an advocacy program or legal services you can use. I’d hate for you to go up against him alone. Stay strong and keep looking for resources, the important thing is getting yourself strong and taking care of yourself and your baby. 🙂
      Quinn



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  6. Echo says:

    Great Job Quinn!
    You write beautifully, I too, had to go apply for food stamps. It was humiliating, and demeaning. My S/P left me destitute with a child in NYC with NOTHING. After spending ten years of my life, waking up to a lie. It’s unnerving. Hang in there, you are strong. WE CAN DO THIS.



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  7. Echo says:

    I don’t think anyone is immune to these soul suckers. College degree or not, I studied Psychology for years, and got tricked. Even though it’s a great learning experience, it really sucks the way they systematically destroy your life!!



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