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Pain as motivation for freeing yourself from sociopaths

On Monday, I posted an article entitled, Healing your addiction to sociopaths. In it, I offered three steps for changing a pattern of falling in love with sociopaths. The steps are:

  1.  No Contact with the current sociopath
  2. Do not date anyone for the time being
  3. Heal the vulnerabilities

The real work is in the third step — healing your vulnerabilities. What I suggest sounds somewhat like the good advice that we get on many topics, like:

  • Eat your vegetables
  • Make time for regular exercise
  • Cut down on sugar, carbs and alcohol
  • Get enough sleep

We all know we should do all these things, but do we do them? How often do we skip going to the gym, or pour ourselves another glass of wine?

So why should “healing our vulnerabilities” be any different? What would make us put time and energy into this “good for you” program, when we slide on so many others?

The answer is the emotional pain we feel due to the sociopath.

Motivation to recover

Just as physical pain is a symptom that something is wrong with our body, emotional pain is a symptom that something is wrong with our internal self. The pain can be so searing, and so devastating, that how we respond to it affects our very survival. Either we find a way to alleviate the pain, or we die — if not a literal death, then the death of our spirit.

If you are feeling the pain of sociopathic betrayal, channel that pain into motivation. Use the pain as motivation to recover from not only the most recent experience, but to seek out and cure the internal vulnerabilities that made you fall for the sociopath in the first place.

Mistaken beliefs

Usually these vulnerabilities are mistaken beliefs about our own worthiness, lovability and place in the world. We may have absorbed these beliefs from the sociopaths, from our parents and family of origin, or from society in general. Recognizing and releasing false, harmful beliefs enables us to change our lives.

I recognize that this is not easy and it takes time. But once you get to the other side of the process, you’ll find the peace, stability, and perhaps even the relationship, you always wanted. I know I did.

We are all worthy. We all deserve love, starting with self-love. There can be a benefit to the sociopathic pain — an opportunity to make these truths part of our being.

 



3 Comments on "Pain as motivation for freeing yourself from sociopaths"

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  1. Imara says:

    Donna, this really is the entire crux of the issue isn’t it?? To release existential pain and live joyfully is what all our journeys are all about. My belief is that vulnerabilities originating from feelings of isolation or being somehow different, are at the core of what makes us prey. The etiology of the feelings of aloneness or being different may vary… but it is only when we are for whatever reason separated from our herd (literally or figuratively ) that the predator can strike.
    Healing ourselves involves getting intrinsically integrated into the societal fabric. The process is hard and slow but that needs to be our goal. Developing meaningful relationships is the golden key. And you are right…that starts with self love.



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  2. blossom4th says:

    Oh dear!I got on late today because I have suffered so much with back pain today…and look what article stares me in the face,lol!Thanks so much for addressing a very important issue,Donna!

    It took spath time to separate me from family and friends so that isolation could take place and “the games could begin”!But he was subtle and I was a busy mother,so it was quite awhile before I realized that something was actually wrong.

    Years of mind games,sleep deprivation,emotional and psychological abuse and finally complete isolation nearly drove me to insanity, and I wasn’t sure if I would survive.Only my faith and strong will kept me moving one day at a time.

    Once I left my husband,I found I had alot of support from people who just didn’t know how to handle the crazy situation.Counseling and finding Lovefraud,were lifesavers as I first had to understand what had happened to me;and why.I soon learned about the NC rule and the peace,along with sleeping well at night,helped me to regain mental health.I began to enjoy things like listening to music and playing with my puppy.I smile and laugh now,whereas I was looking like a zombie before.I’m even able to find my sense of humor!



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  3. lost everything says:

    Facing the pernicious damage is the hardest thing to do. It is also very necessary. Sweeping it under rug hurts more than helps in the long run. I was on autopilot for 3 years after the latespath died. No healing. If you don’t face the damage there is no way to heal from it.



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