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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He hid who he was very well

Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “Soundra.” Initials have been changed.

It started two years ago when I met T.L. through an on-line dating site. We talked on the phone for about a month before we actually met in person. Although T.L. was intelligent, well educated, and came from a good family, he wasn’t really my type physically. I also found him to be a little high strung, which I didn’t care for. He was interesting though, and he had a great sense of humor, which is always a positive with me, so I went out with him a few times.

After a few dates, I told T.L. that I thought it would be best if we didn’t date anymore, but that I would like for us to still be friends. He agreed to this. During this time, we both had jobs that caused us to have to travel often. Over the next several weeks while we were both on business trips, we talked on the phone and kept in touch. We decided that when we were both back in town we would have dinner together because after all, that’s what friends do. Little did I know that an innocent dinner with my new friend would be the start of a relationship that would eventually turn my life upside down.

During our dinner together T.L. was very kind and engaging, and I was really enjoying our conversation. Our dinner lasted for four hours, and I remember thinking to myself, why in the world wouldn’t I want to date this man? He’s such a nice person, and I really enjoy his company. I was hooked that night, and T.L. and I became inseparable for the next year and a half.

Badmouthing the ex

I knew that T.L. had been married once before. In fact, he had only been legally divorced for about a year when we met. His first marriage had only lasted three years, and he had no children. T.L. never had anything good to say about his ex-wife. In fact, he made her out to be a real bitch, and blamed the demise of their marriage completely on her. T.L. treated me so well though, that I believed everything he told me about his ex-wife, their marriage, and their divorce.

As time went on however, I started to notice little things about T.L. that concerned me. He would get upset very easily over petty little things. He would quickly blow off steam about them, and then just as quickly, he would get perfectly calm like nothing had ever happened.

He also had an unusual sleep disorder. There were times when he would wake up from being asleep, but he wouldn’t be completely alert. He would walk around in a daze and say and do weird and inappropriate things. He would eventually wake up completely, but he wouldn’t remember the things he had just said or done. I chalked all of these “little” things up to the fact that he was just being human.

Please take note that T.L. was never abusive to me during the time we were in a relationship. By all intents and purposes, we were very happy together. My family and friends liked him, and his family and friends liked me. I spent half of every week living with him at his house. We traveled and cooked together. We loved each other, or so it seemed, and eventually started making plans to get married.

Becoming distant

We went on a trip during the holidays. We had a good time just like we always did. I remember, however, that on our way home he seemed distant. T.L. could be a little moody at times, so I just brushed off his distance to that.

Over the next week though, we didn’t see each other, which was very unusual for us. We did have several conversations over the phone, but they just seemed a little off to me. During one of these conversations he asked me, out of the blue, if we had to get married? Obviously, I was very hurt by that question, and very mad at him. We didn’t speak much over the next few days.

Then one day, in the middle of the afternoon while I was at work, I received an email from him telling me that he didn’t want us to see each other any longer. I was devastated! Over the next couple of months we had a few conversations, but he would never give me a straight answer about why he broke up with me so abruptly, and in such a mean and heartless way. He acted as though our break-up, and the way in which he did it, was no big deal.

I had a lot of personal items still at his house, but he wouldn’t let me have them. We also had another trip that was planned and paid for that we were supposed to go on several months later. Although I asked him several times, he would never give me a straight answer about what he wanted to do about our trip. The behavior T.L. exhibited after he broke up with me was not the behavior of the man I fell in love with. I didn’t know this person at all!

Something more going on

Everything finally came to a head one weekend. My instincts were telling me that there was something more going on. Through some investigation, I found out that T.L. had canceled my airline ticket for our upcoming trip just days after he broke up with me. I also found out that he had immediately re-purchased an airline ticket in another women’s name! That’s how I found out he had been cheating on me.

When I found out that he had been cheating, I decided to go to his house to confront him and to finally get my personal items that he was still holding hostage. My instinct was telling me that the other women would be there with him, but I didn’t care. I wanted him to know that I had found out the truth about what was really going on.

When I arrived at his house and confronted him he blew up at me and became completely enraged! He screamed at me at the top of his lungs, cursed at me, and called me horrible names. This was the first and only time he was abusive to me, and yes, the other woman was there witnessing everything. T.L. was so out of control that I had to call the police.

Meeting the ex-wife

After this incident, my instincts kicked in again. I still felt that there had to be more to this whole situation, so I decided to track down T.L.’s ex-wife. I had never met her, but I knew where she worked. I called her, and she agreed to meet with me. We talked for over two hours. Needless to say, she wasn’t at all the bitch T.L. had made her out to be. She was a lovely, warm, and caring woman.

Through our conversation, I found out that everything T.L. had told me about her, their marriage and their divorce was nothing but lies! She told me that as soon as they were married he turned on her, and treated her terribly throughout their marriage. T.L. had taken the truth about his marriage and divorce, and twisted everything so that he looked good and she looked horrible. He had made his stories just convincing enough that I would never suspect that they weren’t true.

Learning about sociopaths

There is more to my story than I’m able to write in this letter. Finding out that the man I spent a year and a half of my life with, planned on marrying, and whom I loved and trusted with all of my heart was really just an expert liar, deceiver and manipulator completely devastated me.

Through therapy I found out that the psychological term for a person like this is “Sociopath.” For a long time I blamed myself for what happened. I thought that there must have been something I did or didn’t do that caused this once kind and loving man to turn on me so quickly. My therapist helped me to realize that none of this was my fault, and that I was just a victim of this man who has very deep issues. There was nothing I could have done or not have done that would have kept him from doing what he did to me.

The way T.L. verbally abused me the night I confronted him about his cheating was his true self coming out. I had never seen that side of him before, nor did I ever think in a million years that he would cheat on me. He hid who he really was very well. Once he had gotten everything he wanted from our relationship and was done with me, he let who he really is come out.

This is how a Sociopath operates. I’m just fortunate that my relationship with him ended before we got married, or I’m sure that he would have done even more damage to my life. I’m also fortunate that I have faith in God, a lot of support from my family, friends, and yes, even T.L.’s ex-wife, or I don’t think I would have gotten through this horrible time in my life. I still have days that are hard, but they’re happening less often. I’m definitely on the way to being myself again!

Master liars and manipulators

I hope that any woman who reads this and who has been a victim of the evil doings of a Sociopath takes heart, and knows that it’s not her fault. These men are master liars and manipulators who don’t care who they hurt, as long as they get what they want.

I would advise anyone who has been victimized in this way to get professional help as soon as possible from a therapist who is familiar with character disorders. The sooner you can come to terms with what has happened to you, the sooner you can move on with your life. It’s a sad and confusing process, but there is light and life at the end of the tunnel!

I wish you hope and happiness.

 



39 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He hid who he was very well"

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  1. HopingToHeal says:

    I’m glad to read SOUNDRA’s account of how well a Spath is able to hide their lies. Even after reading story after story of the betrayal and deceit, I still feel dumbfounded when I uncover more lies and manipulation from my Spath.

    I’m also astounded of how they can take a situation that has revealed their “true self” and turn it around to be in control again. Once the control has flipped back to him, I sit in amazement and think “How did he do that?”

    I recently found out that he was having yet another affair. I went to a divorce lawyer to start divorce proceedings . The woman he was seeing broke it off with him after she found out that he was still married and professing his love to me. It appeared the Spath was in some DEEP water. He cried to me, and I’m sure to her. He swore his love for me, begged me to not divorce him, that he CHOOSES ME. Afterwards, he returned to his normal behavior, love bombed and didn’t mention the girlfriend again.

    After a couple of painful days for me, I asked him to explain this new woman, what was the deal? He said it was part of his sex addiction and that he loves both of us. He’s confused on what God wants him to do.

    He asked me to give him time to figure it out, to seek spiritual guidance and consult with some Christian brothers. He swears he loves me with all his heart. And he is as cheerful and happy as he can be as he shares this information with me. How the Heck did he get back in control?

    And I’ m sure he is telling the other woman the same thing. She’s probably waiting with baited breathe for his Super Power Love Bombing to return.

    I always think that I can figure out the game, or I succumb to his lies. I have to get away from him. He’s stealing my soul. 5 days until I go no contact. Can’t wait.



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    • OpalRose says:

      HopingToHeal – you may not see my reply – people don’t always check back.

      But I’m sending good wishes to you. I’m also deciding to move toward leaving my marriage and waiting until I can go no contact before I make my move. Big shift in our lives, isn’t it ?

      The spath in my life sounds exactly like yours. And I react exactly like you do. I’m actually amazed at how he will do something outrageous and then cry and tell me I am the only woman he will ever truly love and then go back to business as usual once he thinks the coast is clear. It never changes.

      He has a particularly dark side which I saw early on sort of, but it was so weird that I could not process what I was observing. He also did and does a lot of honeymooning (love bombing) behavior after he has been out and about.

      So – I will be thinking about you as you go No Contact. Stay strong and I hope I will be walking the No Contact path myself before too long.



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      • HopingToHeal says:

        OpalRose,

        I’m sending well wishes and strength right back to you. I’m so glad to hear that you are planning to go NC as well. From my experience, it is very difficult and don’t be surprised if you give in at first. It’s a process that your soul has to embrace and that takes time. My counselor advises that if one can manage a two week period of NC, it will begin to be less painful. I’m aiming at taking it one day at a time, always being aware of how he will try to suck me back in. I know I can do this. I know you can too. If we have been strong enough to withstand their abuse, surely we can withstand the difficult path that will lead us to peace!
        I’m praying for God to fortify us both.



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    • nomoretears2013 says:

      Hoping To Heal,

      Two more days until NO Contact from what your comment said. I am praying that this happens for you! It is the only way to clear your head and reclaim your soul. I have been where you are and I promise you that each day will bring clarity and healing. You may not know or realize that you actually have figured out his game. They are “stealers of souls” and do not have a heart to love anyone besides themselves with.



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      • HopingToHeal says:

        Nomoretears2013,

        I’m becoming more determined, and less determined, every day. The closer I get to the cut off day, I panic, but I KNOW that is what I must do.

        I’m so thankful for all of you who share how NC has helped you,



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        • nomoretears2013 says:

          When you start to panic (and that is normal) just remember and think of the panic and anxiety that Esther must have felt. Say these words over and over while you breathe-“I have come to a position for such a time as this”. I don’t know if we are allowed on this website to share our personal information but if we are I would be happy to share my telephone number for you to have as support.



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  2. grace says:

    Wow Soundra….I am pretty sure your T.L. is the same guy as I was with….met online….was not physically what I would be attracted to…he was very funny, which I love…we shared so many hours of fun fun times!!! dreams …promises….same story about his ex wife…painted her as an alcoholic….but to me, he was very nice…bought me gifts that were as if he knew ME!…storybook romance…until his true self came out!…Now been NC for a few months….made the mistake the other day of looking at facebook….I was glad that finally my pic was gone…now…new pic of him….I learned that I cannot do that …it triggered all the stuff again…I was in a panic mess for awhile…it is like PTSD…something triggers and my body goes into panic mode….I can’t have any contact….in any way shape or form….
    I had been sooo good…I noticed and friends noticed how well I have been….to have my mind back…and use it for better things!!!…that was a good reminder for me ….NO CONTACT!!!FEEEWWW



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  3. nomoretears2013 says:

    HopingToHeal,

    Also wanted to comment: Your user name HopingToHeal can also be TakesHopeToHeal. Do not ever lose HOPE!!!!



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