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What we should do when sociopaths experience no consequences

Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader who posts as “Salvation2012.”

Thank you for helping me decide when I needed to cut my losses during my divorce. I did cut my “losses,” yet the total I received tallied up to a number similar, just not in all cash. Because I settled in his eyes, he told everyone I was just proving how I was the guilty one and didn’t want to risk being exposed … To the end he will deny permanently injuring me and bleeding me of money, and cheating on me (which I only later found out about the extent).

My recent concern is watching him seemingly have no consequences. I’m not a vengeful person, so this is a distressing area for me, but I just thought karma or something would move in. How was he convicted of a crime, and given no contact and stay away orders from civil and criminal courts, and still have his job, and still be with the woman he was with (apparently for the last 7 years … We were together since January 2007, so their relationship lasted the entirety of our time together), and his friends are happy for him.

Maybe I’m staunch in my morals, but if I had a friend who was found guilty and the judge took away his first time offenders rights because 1) the severity of the injuries and 2) it was only the first caught act of violence … I would not support that person anymore. I would say that person dug themselves a big hole and it’s theirs to climb out of or stay in.

I am finding peace in my new location, yet struggle with reality checking and normal people actually being normal and trusting that. He seems to be just fine and has announced to all the love of his life, and he is finally happy happy happy, and has been with her since last May, which was while we were still married, and is the incorrect start date as her husband contacted me and has been following them for 7 years of his marriage (they are now going through a divorce).

It’s not a jealousy, but an envy of how he is so unaffected by what he did to me, even with law and court representatives telling him to his face what they saw in him. I don’t want to have to figure him out anymore as it prevents me from fully moving forward … So how do I turn off the switch when the spath is moving on easily and I am still finding my ground?

Salvation2012 brings up two issues here that seem to be intertwined, but they really aren’t. The issues are what happens to the sociopath, and what happens to us.

The sociopath

Chances are very good that sooner or later, karma will move in on the sociopath. At some point sociopaths usually screw up. They go too far over the line, anger the wrong person, get sloppy, run out of people to exploit, or suffer medical consequences after years of unhealthy living.

But this is not going to happen on our timetable. In fact, we may never even hear of the sociopath’s unseemly collapse.

In the meantime, sociopaths seem to be getting away with everything. And yes, they are unaffected. But think about why they are unaffected: They are hollow, empty shells of human beings. They have no heart and no conscience. This is what enables them to shred us and move on without a second thought.

I’d rather keep my heart and conscience and suffer the pain than live their eternally barren existence.

So what do we do? We let them go. We let go of our experience with them. Our goal should be to get to the point where they simply don’t matter. They are non-entities.

Our own path of healing

Letting go of the sociopath is actually one of the best things we can do for ourselves. When we stop worrying, or even wondering, about consequences for the sociopath, we can focus our energy on our own healing.

Salvation2012 asked, “How do I turn off the switch?”

The first step is to viscerally accept what happened to us. Usually the switch that connects us to the sociopath is jammed on because we’re still beating ourselves up for falling for the lies, or wishing that what happened in our life did not happen.

We don’t condone the actions of the sociopath. We don’t like what happened, either. But we do have to get to the point where we can say, “It happened, and there’s nothing I can do about that now, except move forward.”

Then we take steps to process the pain. We look for our vulnerabilities and address them, so that we never fall for a sociopath again. And as we go along, we make sure to be good to ourselves.

Yes, we were hurt, but that’s because we have a heart and a conscience — both of which we want to cherish.

 

 



115 Comments on "What we should do when sociopaths experience no consequences"

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  1. fightforwhatsright says:

    Hi toknowimok:

    Glad you’re here. It is interesting how many of us can love someone else until we are a wisp of our former selves. Yet, we can’t love ourselves.

    One thing this site has done for me is that I FEEL love from so many of the members here. Their showing me love and concern has truly helped remind me that I deserve to love myself. Hold on to our love for you as a person who deserves respect and dignity in your life. I have noticed that the longer people have been on this site, the more they are able to love themselves and leave loving comments for others.



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    • toknowimok says:

      Thank you fight, I agree. I am so thankful for LF it’s very supplemental to my therapy and antidepressants. I believe what is taking so long is the gaslighting I endured from someone I trusted, thought so highly of, thought I had a frienship with, and yet never met. Hard to shake what he said, so judgmental, so condemning. I was only doing the best I could in such an unfamiliar situation. The fact is I didn’t know what I was doing or what was expected of me. Turns out, on reflection, I was only a sex object. The whole time.



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      • fightforwhatsright says:

        toknowimok: We’ve all been there. If I remember the spath as if he is a natural disaster with no human feelings….just leaving a path of destruction, it helps a lot. You will feel that way at some point. It takes a lot of work to detach from someone bad for us. Sometimes we have to work at it over and over again. I know I have to work on myself and focus on my ability to find peace all day long, and sometimes, all night long.



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        • toknowimok says:

          Thanks fight, if there is anything I learned, it’s that people aren’t always what they seem. I went out last night and was talking to a woman I just met after I saw a friend in a show. We all went out to a pub after and the conversation came around to the topic of depression. I admitted I was being treated for depression which surprised my new friend. She swore I seemed totally fine and happy. At the time, I guess I was because I was being sociable and laughing at jokes, etc. I told her there is a lot going on inside me, and if it’s not manifesting, that either means I hide my pain very well, or I just may be on the right path to healing. I certainly hope it’s the latter, only time will tell.



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          • fightforwhatsright says:

            toknowimok:

            I’m glad you had the courage to confide in your friend. Good people should be able to handle when a friend is ill and then you don’t have to put on a “happy face” when you don’t feel like it. Glad you got to enjoy yourself as best you could.

          • toknowimok says:

            Hi again fight! Lol, no it didn’t take any courage at all 🙂 I was with a group of women, and I felt very comfortable sharing. The topic just happened to come up. I was raised as the only boy out of 5 children, so I’ve always related to females better than males. And I guess you can say I’ve always been feminine. So it’s not really a surprise to anyone that I’m gay. 🙂

  2. blossom4th says:

    toknowimok,
    You sound like you’re still going through that stage of disbelief;of trying to figure out WHAT happened to you,and HOW it could have happened to you!It’s hard enough for those of us who actually lived with sociopaths~but to have gone through your online experience must truly be surreal!



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    • fightforwhatsright says:

      I ended up in an “email” experience where someone was trying to pull me in. It was that reporter I’ve talked about some. I planned never to meet him and remain anonymous. Supposedly, my meeting him was a crazy kizmet thing. However, I think he and another spath put together a scheme so he could meet me and take away my anonymity. After he met me, it was unbelievable. I wouldn’t exactly say it was “love” bombing. It was more like compliments of every kind pulling me in and pretending he was feeling an attraction that maybe he wasn’t feeling. I will never know. It took me forever to figure out I was his ticket out of lowest level of reporting (which is where his talent really was) to highest of awards and promotions for breaking a big story. He would even email/call me and ask ME how he should write certain things out because he didn’t have the vocabulary to handle it. He pulled me in for about a month sight unseen by talking about how brave I was…how he respected my integrity. But, after we met, he became a “protector” and I felt he was the only person I could trust. Then, what I call “the yo-yo-ing” began. It really is amazing how little time and effort it takes on their part to get us wound up in their yo-yoing.



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    • toknowimok says:

      Thank you blossom. You are correct. Very surreal. I don’t think I’d be so upset if he was just some random guy. The thing is, we corresponded for almost 5 years before talking on the phone . I felt in my heart I had a kindred spirit and I felt so much affection for him. I always thought it would have been better to keep that to myself given the distance. I was content with a friendship. If I didn’t develop the feelings further like I did when we were talking on the phone he would nOt have said such terrible things about my character when all I did was react to what he was imposing (a word I can use now to define what he did) on me. I am insecure. So are many others. But the way he told me “you are a very insecure guy” gutted me. Because I didn’t know what was going on? Because I wanted to know if I could correct MY behavior to have some sense of harmony in what was happening between us? No. Flat out “you’re insecure and you depend on others for happiness” that was his summation of me. To this day I know I did not say anything that hinted that I was dependent on him. I was just struggling while he was stringing me along. I wanted to know what was happening, where I stood, jumping through hoops to please him. I had no idea what I was doing, I was just trying to do the right thing. I had never been in such a situation before. If it was only about sex that he wanted to arrange with me in a year’s time, why not just come out and say it? Emotionally detached physical pleasure, not really something I can think of having now, especially someone I cared about. Oh well, I just keep telling myself I did the best I could. I just dont ever want to go through that again. The scars will remind me.



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  3. blossom4th says:

    toknowimok,
    Because spath was from the north and I was from the south,ours was a courtship through mail and over the telephone.It didn’t last as long as yours did.We were married within a year.I’m telling you this because I understand what a long-distance relationship is like.We did see each other once before being married.

    I cannot imagine the shock and the injury to one’s psyche when hearing “you’re insecure and you depend upon others for happiness” from someone supposedly a friend!To me,it sounds like that person was trying to bring you down to their level!



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    • toknowimok says:

      Hi blossom. Yes, hindsight has educated me though. The friendship was a lie. It had no value to him. All I was, I have figured out since, was a source of entertainment for him. Boy, he must have been really bored then! Yes it hurt deeply, I was duped. And I can’t rewind to that time knowing what I know now. I really think I’m healing slowly but surely though



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  4. fightforwhatsright says:

    This is one of my favorite threads recently. I am currently allowing consequences to hit the Lodger spath and observing with as much detachment as I can.



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