lovefraud2
lovefraud2

The truth about sex and sociopaths

“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”

After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.

Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.

Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.

But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.

Rating sex with sociopaths

People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.

For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:

Sex with sociopaths

  • Extraordinary — 30%
  • Satisfying — 15%
  • Dissatisfying — 6%
  • At first satisfying, later dissatisfying — 30%
  • He/she was satisfied; I was not — 12%
  • Abusive — 4%
  • Not applicable — 3%

In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.

Why sociopaths are hot in bed

Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation — it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.

All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.

Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.

So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.

No feelings of love

You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.

First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.

Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.

Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.

Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.

 

 

email
www.lovefraud.com


43 Comments on "The truth about sex and sociopaths"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. betsybugs says:

    It sounds to me like the sex statistics about psychopaths are very over rated. I experienced nothing exciting in the beginning with the sex. All of the lovebombig was psychological and emotional manipulation. And then the sex turned into necrophilia. I had to play dead while he used me as a receptacle…raped me.

  2. Saskgirl says:

    Sex with the sp was very good for me in the beginning. He didn’t seem like my narcissistic exhusband who wasn’t too interested in anything but himself. Sex was intoxicating and it accompanied the lovebombing. I was so in need for contact and love, I soaked it up. He kept up his campaign for about 6 months until I agreed to move in with him. After that things went downhill. I started to realize the depravity and the porn addiction. We had talked of marriage and all that goes with it, but after I moved in, he mentioned that he didn’t believe in marriage because it was a form of monogamy and he didn’t want to be monogamous. I was flabbergasted because this was totally opposite what he preached before I moved in. I was turned off and didn’t really want to be touched by him for a while, but I was afraid that if he didn’t get sex from me, he would go elsewhere. I did everything he asked sexually and it got worse and worse until he told me that he was going to be doing some swinging. When I told him no to the swinging, he cut me off sex completely. I was beside myself. Now I know that no matter what I did, he was going to cheat on me but at the time I was desperate to keep things together.
    Another responder mentioned about the “smile”. I got it too, and even after a year away from him, I feel ill when I think of it. He used to get that smile when he hurt me sexually and emotionally. When I finally told him I was leaving, I allowed him to take me to bed one more time and he got that smile.

    To me the sp had lots of sex appeal and he used it liberally on me. When we met, he was clean cut and very respectable looking. About a year later, he had gained about 40 lbs, grew a nasty goatee and put his hair into dreadlocks (I had mine in dreads, but I don’t have a receding hairline so they didn’t look ridiculous lol). Wasn’t the look I was looking for in a mate, but since I loved him, I accepted him for who he was and didn’t harp at him for his appearance.
    After we had been together for about 6 months he started to tell me that all kinds of women were giving him the “f-me” eyes. At first, I thought he was joking, but he was serious! He truly thought that every woman was attracted to him. I just give my head a shake and thank whatever power that gave me the strength to leave that nasty dreadlocked piece of self propelled human refuse.

    I have been sp free for 1 year now. I sometimes miss the sex, but then I remember all the stuff attached to it and realize that I’m better off with the type of love that comes from a battery!

    • serenity12 says:

      SKgirl, I hear you on a few things here for sure. I always felt like if I didn’t have sex with him that he would stray. We had sex every day. And if we went more than a few days he would become upset(even though I was looking after his child full time and had never been a mother) He would always say that he’s never gone longer than 3 days without sex….it put a ton of pressure on me. Separate vacations made things very stressful for me. He also said that all of these girls want to “F&#K him” and give him the “eyes” right in front of me???? I like you thought he would change and not cheat on me. I never found any instances but it for sure would have happened.

      I’ve recently started seeing someone and we have just started a sexual relationship. I’ve been afraid of this because I am afraid of feeling disrespected. Once we did I noticed that he was SO respectful, so gentle, and I for once felt SO calm and comfortable…. I was worried I would be craving the intense addictive sex I had with my exspath. I wasn’t. I enjoyed it.

    • Cassandrasdream says:

      Saskgirl,

      My ex-husband (another spath) was also a porn addict/sex addict in addition to drugs. He sold himself as this wonderfully evolved human being who had overcome alcohol and drugs to anybody who would listen. It was all a lie. He also gained weight and stopped showering or even brushing his teeth. I mean, no showers for two weeks…. That is, until a 20 year old intern came to work at his office. He was perfectly groomed for a whole week.

      My spath ex-boyfriend did the lovebombing, instant soulmate, controlling, jealous thing. I never got around to figuring out if he had any issues with sex or porn addiction. But I wouldn’t be surprised. He often announced that he was so satisfied in our new relationship that he didn’t even need to “take care of himself.” I never asked him about this topic. He just brought it up during one of his many speeches about how I was the best lover ever (of course, he nagged at me to say the same thing about him). I found this a bit scary, because it made me remember how my porn/sex addict ex-husband used to carry on about not taking care of himself either. The truth was that was what he did every chance he got, even in his sister’s bathroom on a family visit in the middle of the afternoon. He accidentally left the volume too loud on his iPhone and for a few seconds you could hear loud porn noises through the bathroom door.

      It’s all lies on top of lies. And there’s nothing sexy about a liar and a user. As I said before, they can put on a good show for a while. Eventually, the truth comes out.

  3. Wendy says:

    I have to agree with the first line of the article, “erotic”. But like everyone else, he bombed me almost from day one in trying to get me in bed and I didn’t realize till now that even though he would back off a little when I would say no, what he did continue doing was wrong and his conquest. I also didn’t realize that the more I said no, the more he was determined to “conquer” me.

    One thing I do find funny now though. After a very very short period of time, “things” didn’t work for him any more. Because of that I felt bad about myself and thought I didn’t interest him anymore. It wasn’t that at all, it was him!

    One night he started yelling at me that I was cheating because I wasn’t giving him any and after 3 hours I finally got extremely angry and screamed at him that it was because he reminded me of over cooked spaghetti and I liked things more in the “uncooked” category!

    I’ve now found out from his exs’ after me that it happened with them too, unless they let him get sadistic rough. :(

    • Cassandrasdream says:

      Wendy,

      I found a hidden prescription for an erectile dysfunction drug at my boyfriend’s condo. He never admitted that he took it. I think things weren’t working for him so well for a few years. So he secretly took that stuff. But he hid it, of course, and he lied when I brought up the subject of ED drugs.

      I read that sociopaths may go into remission at around 50 years of age. That is also right around the time many men experience ED and a change in hormones. It’s kind of odd.

  4. known says:

    Everything is a tool for them to manipulate/use/dump victims

  5. kmillercats says:

    Saskgirl and Wendy

    Thanks for the laugh…Love from a battery is better than the “love” from a spath any day. Bob is better. No drama.

    Wendy…uncooked rather than cooked spaghetti. BAHHAHAHAHA.

  6. Saskgirl says:

    Wendy..
    Uncooked spaghetti!!! ROTFL!!!

    After I broke up with the sp, I started becoming friends with his “crazy, evil ex” who wasn’t so crazy, nor was she evil. We started trading war wounds and there were lots of scary stories.

    The sp has his “junk” pierced and wouldn’t ever take it out. Both of us have scarring from that experience. The sp choked his ex gf one night till she passed out, then he had his way with her. When I was with him, I was trying to find an antidepressant that worked for me and some would knock me right out. He would wait until I was unconscious then have sex with me. Brings meaning to Betsybugs necrophilia comment (which I loved by the way!)

    After all of these incidents (and they are the family approved ones) I am surprised that I stayed. He had me hooked so deeply. I couldn’t understand how someone who was so loving and attentive in the beginning could become so callous. I cannot prove that he cheated on me, but I do know that he was in active conversation with many women on Adult Friend Finder and there were many times when he couldn’t account for his actions (and how dare I ask…)

    Unfortunately, the sp has ruined me for having any type of intimate relations. I have been single for a year and although I do miss sex, the thought of being hurt again keeps me away. I am so terribly afraid that I cannot have a “normal” sex life. Batteries are definitely a girl’s best friend.

    • Catherine says:

      That’s definitely one of the worse things of meeting the spath, the mistrust towards others afterwards.

      • Wendy says:

        I second that Catherine! I’ve taken such small steps with the man currently interested in me, that I’m surprised he’s stuck around(small steps for the past 6 months). He has met my spath(by accident) and so when I try to apologize for how I am, he’s so sweet about it and keeps re-assuring me that he understands and is willing to do anything to prove he is not the same. Then fusses that I need to stop apologizing lol!

        When they met it was on accident, the spath showed up 3 hours late for pick up and we were supposed to be going to breakfast. I hadn’t said anything to this man about my troubles. When the spath was gone, all I heard in between me apologizing, was, “your physical reaction and his mouth says enough for me to know that THING is psychotic!”

  7. Kathyj says:

    OMG! I am so glad you addressed this topic. I have been away from my ex- spathe for only about 3 weeks. I actually crave to be with him, and get so mad at myself for feeling that way. I lived with him for about 3 months
    I don’t know if I agree about the 50′s thing. We are both 56 and he had an appetite probably like a 20 something.
    I have not posted my whole story but hope too soon. What do u think about warning the next victim to stalking and order of protection. One for each ex.

  8. Kathyj – welcome to Lovefraud. Sorry you’ve paid the dues of running into a sociopath, but we’re glad to have you.

    Some “experts” say sociopaths “age out” of the disorder, but I don’t think it’s true. They may become less physically violent because their physical strength may have faded, but they are just as manipulative and deceitful, and they certainly do not acquire a conscience in old age.

    About warning the next victim – we’ve discussed this topic a few times on Lovefraud. Here’s an article:

    http://www.lovefraud.com/2010/09/27/letters-to-lovefraud-should-i-warn-the-next-victim/

    • Wendy says:

      Donna, Kathyj,

      I’ve actually had them come to me before and after they’ve left asking me what can they do, my answer, RUN!

      I am his only victim that is around(our child) and eventually he will hopefully find this as a hindrance to his game.

      One site some of his ex’s have used that is safe to your identity, not me only out of fear of retribution towards my son, cheaterville. They have posted him and at least 2 have posted their thanks as he was priming them.

  9. Cassandrasdream says:

    Thanks to everyone who discussed the aftermath of being with a spath, how hard it is to trust again when you’ve been deceived to such a mind-bending level, betrayed, manipulated and abandoned.

    Cheating can be a form of abandonment, whether it is on the internet or in real life. That’s another trauma for those who are involved with spaths. I think we can love and trust again. It just required patience.

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Wordpress SEO Plugin by SEOPressor