“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”
After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.
Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.
Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.
But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.
Rating sex with sociopaths
People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.
For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:
Sex with sociopaths
- Extraordinary — 30%
- Satisfying — 15%
- Dissatisfying — 6%
- At first satisfying, later dissatisfying — 30%
- He/she was satisfied; I was not — 12%
- Abusive — 4%
- Not applicable — 3%
In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.
Why sociopaths are hot in bed
Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation — it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.
All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.
Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.
So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.
No feelings of love
You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.
First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.
Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.
Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.
Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.