The truth about sex and sociopaths

“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”

After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.

Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.

Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.

But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.

Rating sex with sociopaths

People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.

For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:

Sex with sociopaths

  • Extraordinary — 30%
  • Satisfying — 15%
  • Dissatisfying — 6%
  • At first satisfying, later dissatisfying — 30%
  • He/she was satisfied; I was not — 12%
  • Abusive — 4%
  • Not applicable — 3%

In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.

Why sociopaths are hot in bed

Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation — it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.

All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.

Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.

So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.

No feelings of love

You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.

First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.

Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.

Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.

Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.



70 Comments on "The truth about sex and sociopaths"

Trackback | Comments RSS Feed

  1. NinaSunshine says:

    Hi Jan7, this is a very interesting point. Do you remember where you got this info/article from? I would like to look deeper into this topic also since I also think it is crucial to understand one “big red flag” and be able to protect ourselves better… Thank you for bringing this up!

    Report this comment

    • Jan7 says:

      Hi NinaSunshine, how are you? Haven’t seen you post here in a long time, so it’s good to see that you are still coming here to learn. I hope things are going better for you!

      I’m sorry that I do not remember where these stats came from. Just reading on the net..maybe Psychology Today. com??? Not sure though. Try putting those stats in google search to see what comes up.

      Report this comment

      • Jan7 says:

        Just wanted to add that the epidemic of porn addiction is so bad that even Iceland’s government is looking to ban all porn from their country all together.

        Report this comment

      • NinaSunshine says:

        Oh thank you Jan7, I am doing fine. Actually even better than that :-)- I am surrounded by chaos but still within 🙂 How nice that you remember me. But of course, this is what empathetic and thoughful people like you, do. They pay attention, therefore remember and really try to understand and help. I remember your posts also, but since you posted so many, not on detail, I admit – it was too much “spot on” information and understanding in them – this I still know 🙂

        But, back to the topic of porn: I have been looking into this also from different perspectives and I have come to the conclusion (which is backed up by many first hand experiences by women who worked in this industry and spoke out) that it is a cruel and unhuman, brutal and disgusting “business” where people are raped, tortured and sexually abused and humiliated.
        Because none of our governments do something against it, it is widely accepted as “normal”.
        In reality, it destroys not only the lives of the women (and men) who work there, but also the minds of children!!, the minds of men and of the women (since they can become addicted too).
        It is a horrible topic and I personaly think it is one reason, that so many relationships fail!
        The reason is simple. If one has these “pictures” and “ideas” of “rape” and control and submission in mind, he will not think of “together”, “love” and “we” while having sex.
        There is even more to it…

        A while ago I found on youtube the channel antipornography.org ( I recommend to watch the womens experiences) Theses people are highly under pressure because they are trying to torpede an industry that is making billions and it is not stopped by anyone!
        Nevertheless, everybody who is really interested in healing should look into this topic (also for himself) and support the people who stand up against this awful, cruel and unhuman industry that also takes children and everything else- I would, after all, say that this is one of the biggest problems because it probably causes sociopathic behaviour.

        I once watched the last interview with Ted Bundy in prison just hours bevore his death and he makes very clear that his “doing” started all out with porno magazins, later some other stuff. Maybe you can find this interview since it is very interesting and sheds a whole new light to his murders, I find. From my understanding, he is just one really bad example what can happen. The ones who do not murder rape, and, in the “best” cases, betray betray betray- always on the outlook for more sexual-energy.
        It is clear today that video games influence the mind of people, their view to the world and their perception of reality.
        Of course, porn does the same with people- but no one is saying it out loud, since it is “normal”- It is not!

        Report this comment

  2. NTCP8 says:

    I ended my relationship with a sociopath three weeks ago, actually she ended it. I have been reading a lot of articles about sociopaths, and I’m convinced she is one. Only the sex part is a bit unclear.

    She was always uptight, our sex always started the same. She would lay in bed, undressed herself and fold her clothes nicely and put it a side. Never experience something like that. Anyone here with a similar experience? Was the sex good? It was good just for one reason, she could make me come relatively fast (just the physics of her body, she was not that hot though). She knew that I was more experienced than her, maybe she used me just for that.

    She told me she was not so experienced, although she was ok in bed. She would never talk about sex in public. Although I think she just played that roll for me.

    Report this comment

Post a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.