The truth about sex and sociopaths

“Very erotic!” That’s how a woman whom we’ll call “Cathy” described the beginning of her relationship with “Matt.” “Sex, sex, sex,” she said, “and sweet whisperings in my ears.”

After a whirlwind romance, they married. Cathy eventually discovered that sex was all Matt really wanted. She found a duffel bag filled with hard-core porn. His sexual demands made her uncomfortable. He cheated. Yet whenever Matt did or said anything hurtful, he soon acted as if nothing had happened.

Matt turned out to be callous, deceitful, manipulative, narcissistic, hostile, irresponsible, reckless and impulsive. In other words, he was a sociopath.

Many people think that sociopaths are all deranged serial killers. In reality, most sociopaths never kill anyone. They are, however, serial exploiters, always on the lookout for someone to use—often for sex.

But you would never know this when you first meet a sociopath. In the beginning, sociopaths seem to be charismatic, charming, exciting—and incredibly sexy.

Rating sex with sociopaths

People who have had sex with individuals who they now believe are sociopaths almost always rave about it. I’ve spoken to hundreds of people about their experiences. They often tell me that the sex with these individuals was the best they ever had.

For my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, I conducted a survey of more than 1,300 Lovefraud readers. One question was, “If you had sex with the individual, how would you rate it?” Here are the responses:

Sex with sociopaths

  • Extraordinary — 30%
  • Satisfying — 15%
  • Dissatisfying — 6%
  • At first satisfying, later dissatisfying — 30%
  • He/she was satisfied; I was not — 12%
  • Abusive — 4%
  • Not applicable — 3%

In all, 75% of survey respondents rated the sex as satisfying or more than satisfying, at least in the beginning of the relationship.

Why sociopaths are hot in bed

Sociopaths are hard-wired for sex. They have a lot of energy. They crave excitement and stimulation — it’s an integral part of the disorder. Sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities a human being can enjoy. Sociopaths want it. They want it early and often. So they start young and engage frequently.

All sociopaths, both male and female, have high levels of testosterone. This hormone drives people to compete for sex partners and then mate with them. In sociopaths, high testosterone means high pursuit.

Besides craving excitement, sociopaths are also born without fear or shame. Consequently, they fail to develop guilt, inhibitions, a conscience or a sense of morality. Social proscriptions against particular acts mean nothing to them. They don’t care about the discomfort of their partners either.

So what does all this mean for sociopaths and sex? They have voracious appetites, they indulge often and anything goes.

No feelings of love

You might think that sex with a sociopath sounds exciting. But there are a few more things you should know.

First of all, if you want love along with your sex, you’re not going to get it from a sociopath. These people cannot form empathetic connections with other human beings, and therefore are incapable of feeling love. However, they know that if they speak words of love convincingly, they get what they want. So sociopaths often proclaim love quite eloquently—at least until they’re bored with you.

Second, if you want to keep the wild sex all for yourself, that’s not going to happen either. Most sociopaths cheat. In the Lovefraud survey, 75% of respondents said the sociopaths cheated on them, and 20% said they became infected with a sexually transmitted disease.

Finally, sociopaths are not slaves to their testosterone-fueled desires. They are quite capable of controlling, even withholding, sex, when it suits their purpose. For these people, sex usually has an agenda. Sometimes it’s just the physical release. But often sex is a tool to snare you, so that they can exploit you in some other way.

Sociopaths have incredible sexual magnetism. But if you hook up with them, the excitement will, sooner or later, lead to real problems in your life out of bed.



44 Comments on "The truth about sex and sociopaths"

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  1. Imarriedit says:

    Wow, Wendy, I’d like to meet a man like that! I was talking to a friend today who had a bad experience recently with dating after her divorce from a sociopath. She was dating a guy casually and didn’t hear from him for about two weeks. Then he texted her one day, asking if they could skip the dinner and a movie, and he could just come to her house for sex. OMG. She said it just seems like there aren’t any good guys out there who aren’t sociopaths or married cheaters, and we’re really better off just living with our cats and having good female friends in our lives. It sounds like there may be a few genuine, loving and sincere guys left. Good luck with yours!

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  2. lost everything says:

    Sex was infrequent and on his schedule.

    I didn’t find that uncomfortable. I went to a very strict, Catholic, convent school. The nuns in high school would always tell us that boys that we dated would buy us a soda and spend the rest of the evening trying to squeeze it out of us; these were evil boys. Sex was not even brought up at home, as my mom was the victim of sexual abuse by clergy when she was a young child.

    The spath was one of the most straight laced people I ever knew. We were invited to a reception/party at a professor’s home during law school. A fellow student told an off color joke, the spath grabbed me and herded me out the door, no apologies to the host. There was no hand holding, arm around the shoulder, or God forbid, kissing. The spath was logical in everything he did, touchy feely is not logical. He would recoil if anyone inadvertently touched him; teacher, classmate, stranger on public transport, sales clerk.

    Sex is a tool-The shocking part.

    Here is this flat broke, unemployed guy that suddenly cons a broker into giving him control of 2 million dollars. What can he do with the money? He can’t buy things, too many unanswerable questions; he can’t have anything in his name, same reason; he can’t disappear, his con would be exposed and he would be tracked.

    I know he researched the possibilities long and hard. To quote the spath “I found the world of escorts”.

    Yes, it is a world of sex, but more importantly, to him, it was a world of no questions asked, no background checks, nom de computer screen the accepted, no fear of calls to the family or anyone else. Just money followed by acceptance.

    In the beginning he hired these girls to teach him sex. As he became more confident there were two different girls at different times in the same day, 2 girls at once, 3 or 4 girls at once, 2 girls him and another guy, one girl him and another guy, male and male interaction and any other variation you can imagine. From July 03 to October 08 the frequency was, at the minimum, 3 times a week, sometimes 8, and anywhere in between. There were frequent sex parties. All done before the evening rush and never on weekends; again questions would be raised. The cost, more than 5 grand a week, sometimes, much more than double.

    In the basement, I found a piece of loose paneling, behind which was hidden a tall pile of sex toys/clothing. At the bottom were innocuous things like vibrators, as the stack grew, the items became less and less main stream and clothing started to appear, at the top were S and M and other devices.

    The spath wanted more than sex. He wanted to snare these women. In the early days, it was cyber stalking them; finding out their real names and jobs, yes many escorts do work in the real world. He was looking for a special girl, one he could dominate as well as a girl that would give him ‘prestige’ in this nether world. He eventually found one. He set her up in an apartment and all that went with it. She was still was an escort and he was still seeing other escorts. She however declared her love, and yes she did love him. He became part of her family, her kids, her parents. He became complacent with her, he trusted her enough to stop giving her cash, but rather stolen checks to deposit. They even opened up a house of ill repute in “their” apartment. She made the mistake however of believing that he loved her. Oh, he said he did, even posted it. He had entire communities believing he loved her. From her he could be lionized by these people because she was a well known escort. Then she became clingy, her big mistake.

    She passed away and the spath found out that her death was a very valuable thing. He could and did gain sympathy from this sub world, because of her he was lionized even more. What these people didn’t know was that he was trolling 2 days after her burial just in a different place. Her family, believing that he he loved her, still welcomed him to drop over her parents house whenever he wanted a to talk or have meal. They did not know what their daughter was doing or how they met.

    His true motive came out in a email a little after her death, he missed the apartment she was willing to put in her name. He needed another gal to do the same. He eventually found one, a much younger woman, that was well known to his dead “love”. He even ingratiated himself to her family. Did she think he was a great sex partner; one of the more memorable texts from her says that he should steal some batteries from my mother’s house for her vibrator.

    He became so sure of his status in this sub world that he gave other women and men obviously stolen and forged checks. These women didn’t see a great lover, they saw money; the men saw someone who would not rat them out.

    Sex, like everything and anything else in life, was only a means to an end for the spath. Was he good in bed, I doubt the escorts would tell.

    I do know the escorts wanted school papers done, computer help, fancy handbags, meals, wine, clothes, phones, gifts for their kids, tuition, and cash. I am not sure all of them cared about the quality of sex.

    In case you are wondering how I know, the spath, up to a point, actually kept very well protected spreadsheets; I have the email, texts, statements, etc.. I know about the meals, hotels, plane tickets, luxury gifts and more. The dead can no longer keep their hidden life secret, especially when the funds are stolen.

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    • lagorgeousmujer says:

      That is interesting, I am an escort and I have come across a few socios that have tried to win me over. On occasion, I fall for it for just a few days and then realize what the hell is going on and I berate them bpd style. If submissiveness is a prerequisite for dating a socio, then that def isn’t me. I’ve actually done dominatrix work as well. Anthey usually leave me alone once they realize I’m not buying their bullshit and their game won’t take. Its that simple. As far as the first comment, it is my belief that most males have socio traits. Some more than others. Men in general are narc, selfish and hypersexual. As well as dishonest and cold. That’s why I’m a misandrist and I’m glad I am. I can spot the bs from a mile away.

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