Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as “Angela.”
I am in the beginning stages of divorcing my sociopath husband. Today, I went to the house to move out, since my children and I left with nothing 6 weeks ago. He was allowed to be there, though I don’t understand why as I have a restraining order against him. That was a … well, it was a sociopathic experience. He laughed and joked with the police officers who were mediating the whole circus and as soon as I left, he took to social media to talk about his “feelings.” He rambled on about how cold and heartless I am, and how I will realize what I’ve lost when it’s too late.
Are you joking??????
One of the millions of frustrating things about living with and leaving a sociopath has been the projection. Every nasty word that comes out of his mouth about me is actually everything that can be said about him. It’s almost the only way I get to hear any (backwards) honesty from him. He says I do drugs (he abuses cocaine, pills, steroids, adderall). He says I left him for someone else (he slept with my ‘friend’). He says I don’t care about or deserve my children (he hasn’t seen his son since I left because he’s “too upset” to be a parent). He says I’m a liar and used him for money (he emptied my bank account day after I left, almost $6000). I could go on and on …
What I realize now
At first, I wanted to shout from the highest mountain and tell everyone “No!! That’s HIM!! Not me!!” But I realized several things recently. First of all, it’s harder to “prove” an untruth with a sociopath than it is for people to believe what he’s saying. It’s more unbelievable to think this “nice” guy is that crazy than it is to think a wife just up and left her husband for another man.
Second, I have limited emotional and spiritual energy right now as I have been so severely depleted throughout this process … I can’t waste what energy I have in beating my head against the proverbial wall and trying to convince people that I’m not what he says I am, and its actually him. Dr. Suess said, “The people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind don’t matter.” That is the attitude I’m taking with all of this too. The people that really love and care about me see exactly what’s going on, as well as the police in my town, and THOSE are the people I will invest in relationships with. Screw the rest of ’em. Besides, who’s believing him anyways? Fellow drug addicts and mentally unstable people. Good riddance.
Finally, I have realized that in order to fully escape his control, I have to be ok with just the personal satisfaction that I know the truth. I know what he is and I know what kind of person I am. He had me questioning everything at the end of the relationship, including my perception of reality. Now, he has ZERO power in how I think or perceive what reality is. Go ahead … say what you want about me … I’m rubber, you’re glue … (there’s my inner child sticking her tongue out).
What I am doing is right
I’ve decided that in order to turn the negative into positive, I’m going to do just that. Every negative thing he says about me is just another validation that leaving wasn’t just the best option, it was the only option. Every new stunt he tries to pull is just another joke, even if it upsets me, inconveniences me, or hurts me. Every day, he reminds me in his own way that what I did, and am doing, is right. Every day, he reminds me that I’m a good person and deserve better, more. Every day, he reminds me what a sick person he is. Every day, he reminds me how lucky I am to have great kids, family, friends, and support. And every day, he reminds me how fortunate I am just to be able to feel and recognize ALL of this.
Thank you, Spath. 😉