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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I need to have my experience to count for something

Aftermath of Rock n RollEditor’s note: The following was written by Noelle R. Andrews, author of “Aftermath of Rock ‘n’ Roll.” Read about her book in the article posted earlier today.

Some people are born selfless. Mother Teresa, who worked with Calcutta’s poor for decades, is a classic example. The caring people who worked with lepers on Hawaii’s island of Molokai are another.

Other people, like me, take up a cause because some experience has affected our lives in a profound way. Susan G. Koman’s sister died of breast cancer. The foundation she created in her sister’s honor is one of the best-known fundraisers for this disease. Jennie McCarthy has fought to raise awareness for autism, after her son was given that diagnosis. Mary Tyler Moore has been a champion for finding a cure for juvenile diabetes for years. The list of people who have been drawn to a worthwhile cause because something has personally affected them or their family is long, and includes ordinary people in addition to celebrities. I am one of those ordinary people.

I was married to a man I believe to be a psychopath. Nothing has ever affected me more than the devastation I encountered during the marriage and subsequent divorce. The relationship came close to destroying me, and has inspired me to try to warn others of the hidden dangers.

Most dangerous of all people

I consider psychopaths to be among the most dangerous of all people. Imagine a human who cannot love. Their sole motivation is to dominate, to win. Now add in the fact that they have been studying human behavior with an impassionate and clinical eye their entire life, so as to learn how to blend with the rest of the population, in order to mimic appropriate emotions in the appropriate situation. Then realize that they do not demonstrate the typical fear response to situations that would cause others to modulate their own behavior. They behave without regard to consequences. They are typically mesmerizing, charming, and charismatic. They draw in their victims with an intense stare and have an uncanny ability to sniff out others’ needs, desires, and weakness. They feel no remorse, so the lies they tell in order to draw in victims are believable, at least at first. These are among the most gifted storytellers you will ever meet.

This terrifying subset of people comprises up to 4% of the population, and they do not care whom they use, hurt, and destroy in order to get what they want. And sometimes all they want is to demonstrate that they can behave like this and get away with it.

Meaning making

Liane Leedom MD, in a recently published paper analyzing the memoirs of victims of psychopaths, describes the “meaning making” in which victims of psychopaths participate. After being debased and discarded, these women were left with a need to make sense of what had happened to them. They were imbued with a sense of mission, of trying to make a difference in order to right a wrong. They wrote about their experience in an attempt to understand, and in an attempt to educate.

What is more damning: to sit back and do nothing, or to take action? I suppose my memoir might be interpreted by some as a way to extract vengeance. The term justice, I believe, is more appropriate. Vengeance, to me, implies an immediate sense of retribution, an impulsive act designed to satisfy only the individual extracting that vengeance. Justice, on the other hand, is a thought-out reaction to a harmful act, geared toward the benefit of society in general. Would I gain satisfaction from knowing that the man who set out to destroy me was brought to justice by the law? Certainly, of course I would. But even more importantly, it is to the greater good of society to have one less predator on the streets. And if by going public with my story, I can educate others about an insidious, pervasive societal problem and therefore decrease the numbers of victims, all the more better.

Writing under a pseudonym

People have criticized me for writing under a pseudonym. Other victims’ memoirs identify their predators, why didn’t I? They interpret my desire to remain anonymous as evidence that I must be lying. The antagonist in stories of the well-publicized victims’ memoirs (MaryJo Buttafuoco, Barbara Bentley, Donna Andersen) are either dead, indicted or in prison. Mine is not (yet).

I write under an assumed name for self-protection. Countless other victims, like me, write under assumed names for the same reason. We have set ourselves against our worst fears, that of an opponent who lies without remorse, who feels no guilt. Are we brave, or merely foolhardy to “bait” those whose only motivation is to win and dominate?

My guess is that we are a combination of both. My overwhelming need to have my experience count for something meaningful has overridden my fears of retribution on his part. Remember that the burden of proof for defamation and libel lies on the plaintiff, and that truth is the best defense against claims of defamation and libel. I am confident in wielding the double-edged sword of truth and justice.

Noelle R. Andrews
Author of “The Aftermath of Rock ‘n’ Roll”



28 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: I need to have my experience to count for something"

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  1. betsybugs says:

    Noelle, Thank you for an excellent article. I too got to the point where I had to make my experience count for something. I was forced to protect his reputation for decades for my children’s sake. Then he tried to turn them against me and take them from me after I had raised them well in spite of his constant harrassment and interference.

    I finally had to go public with his double life. I knew all of the evil, illegal and abusive facts. The knowledge that my maintaining my silence was protecting him and his evil secrets was eating away at me. My daughter was falling under his spell and he was targeting my grandchildren. Even though I knew the cost with my family was going to be tragic, I had to do it. The cost was tragic, total rejection by my daughter and the loss of seeing my grandchildren. I am devistated and my only consolation is that he does not get to see them either. I would do it again knowing the consequenses just to protect my grandchildren from him.

    I know he cares little and my husband and I care beyond belief. Justice has not been done. My grandchildren only get our unconditional love via phone or mail now. But my grandchildren are safe from him for now and hoefully so are many others. I felt it was my duty not to protect evil out of fear of rejection or retribution or shame. I feel no shame anymore, I know what he is.



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  2. anothervictim says:

    I also just want to add that I did not know that she was the mistress of the CEO at first. She presented herself to me as just a single lesbian who is new in town and is hoping to make some new friends. I go back and forth in my head trying to decide if what she did to me wasn’t so bad or if it was extremely horrible. She nearly broke up my 7 year marriage. Thank God we’ve been able to work things out. When I get angry about the whole thing, I just want to tell everyone what an evil witch with a B she is. I would love to post her name on this site and others so people can learn about her before being caught in her web of lies and heartache but I have a feeling I would get in some sort of trouble for doing that.



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  3. stronger says:

    betsybugs, I understand your predicament totally.. the only reason I am not unmasking my P to the world is because of the embarassement it will cause my son who is 16 now, and how it will affect his future….and the P knows this and is taking advantage of that and getting away with everything… sad..in fact, that seems to be one of the reasons they want children anyway, to prevent the partner from escaping/ exposing them easily (apart from “taking care of him in old age and prevent his dead bodiy from stinking” as he said when persuading me to have kids)..



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  4. fight says:

    The Sanford thing is ridiculous. They really do get away with so much.



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