Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader PressEject. He previously wrote “Male and female sociopaths have remarkable similarities.” Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
It has been about 4 1/2 years since my absurd abuse at the hands of the sociopath, which your great site helped me to make sense of, and, to eventually overcome. I am writing today in gratitude, but also with a bit of an update and reminder (at least to myself) to remain vigilant.
With your help, and with the help and support of your readers, I finally had a set of tools to work with to navigate the world should S’s and P’s and N’s eventually fall right back in my pathway. Ultimately, the healing work brought me out of years of a prolonged state of resentment and isolation (separated from God’s healing grace) right into the hands of a loving God, where love for me now has finally had a chance to cancel out the many dark clouds I had chosen to live with over so many years.
Tools not enough to protect entirely
Unfortunately all this great love I am experiencing does not necessarily protect me from falling right back into the devious chaotic clutches of a bona fide sociopath. I am dusting off now after a recent collision which left me once again abruptly “devalued and discarded.” I have to say I have been navigating at a near 100% awareness level at detecting these using types in my personal relationships. I truly feel I had earned my degree in S&P&N-ology a little while ago! But now I know my degree was only an undergraduate degree … there was more to learn!!
Sociopaths not only in relationships
Unfortunately I did not have the advanced degree in Workplace S&P&N-ology!! I had only been concentrating on NOT DATING any more using types, those with no-nada-zero empathy (and feel I have been happily successful in this area). But I unfortunately failed to see any “red flags” in approaching a recent employer who took me for a ride. I now see that the advanced degree for workplace navigation would also be very useful to have! I am determined to earn this one now too after this recent encounter.
I believe some of us developed a “blind eye” to these types that use and abuse. As I mentioned in my original notes to Lovefraud, it was something I think that may have been a result of having been raised by a BPD father. It was “normal” to be around someone that had no interest in me as a person while growing up. Fortunately I finally had a chance to grieve what has been missing all this time, and have learned to become more responsible for myself and my well-being.
For many months last year I had wanted to work at a company I felt drawn to for the quality of product it represented. I entered into talks with the owner who came across as “humble” and “charming.” A little crass at times and full of off-color jokes. There was no work for me, but eventually the owner called and asked me to come in and talk about part-time work.
Funny, at the meeting, it went from part-time to abruptly, “Ok here’s the deal, instead I want to now hire you for full-time!” Red flag right? No real planning here just a spontaneous “you are the best thing that ever happened to us to come along” so let’s just put PressEject up on a pedestal and get him whatever he needs kind of “over-valuation!”
I read that it takes some time for the true colors to come out… but within the first week I saw how he treated others in the company and it truly was a shocking true Jeckel and Hyde personality here. Within two weeks I was completely chewed out and told I could leave if I didn’t like the arrangement! This was odd and in hindsight pretty abusive. I had only questioned the owner about the commission structure, having found a small percentage discrepancy in what I was being paid and what had been offered initially by the owner.
His earlier off-color jokes soon were replaced with a series of awful jokes of a sexual nature that belittled women and nearly everyone else for that matter. I tried my best to overlook the rough edges. I chose to stay but knew to keep my guard up with this one, yet not fully realizing a sociopath was behind the curtain, pulling all the levers and keeping me in that trance, where one simply doesn’t know what is coming next but is pulled in with false assurances and a paycheck. (Stockholm syndrome if one stays? I noticed the one directly under him acts selflessly as a complete sycophant, often in pain from the abuse at work but smiling all the time.)
After three months, the owner came in one day and said he was letting me go. It was the oddest thing, as of the three employees in the branch, I was the one who had been making a large majority of the sales!! I was shocked of course, there had been no warning. Granted sales had been off but only in the two prior weeks. Even though I was excelling, apparently I was taking away sales from the others. Last hired, first to be let go… I get it and don’t really have a problem with it. What was unacceptable, though, was how the owner went from saying there weren’t enough sales in the branch to support three on staff to nit-picking my performance when I was the one who had made the largest sales and highest net profits!
An impulsive hire originally, then these mixed messages, convoluted chaotic reasoning for letting me go and a complete 360 degree turn “devalue” from having just been a “successful seasoned professional and part of the family” (how I had been introduced often to clients).
Better off and back on my feet
The good news is that my undergraduate degree in S&P&N-ology has helped me to get back on my feet. To not take this personally (even though it is always hard to do at the hands of an abuser, so many old tapes in my head get replayed right away!) It has only been about two weeks but I see I am better off now being without a job with an “S” as a boss. Others said to me he was a “loose canon.” Better yet than this description, I found the most accurate one here:
(mine was the “Guru” bully)
Profound thanks to Lovefraud
So it is with profound thanks to Lovefraud once again for the valuable help I received in my undergraduate training. I believe from this recent experience I have now earned a sizeable amount of credits towards a graduate Workplace degree in S&P&N-ology. I see we can be played as the victim … (and I see it can happen from time to time) BUT we don’t have to actually BE the victim!!
Thank you, Donna, for your support and good works you do. This seems to get a little easier to navigate over time, even if a “blind spot” still gets me in trouble from time to time. I am working hard still at avoiding trouble staying vigilant. I don’t feel so lonely and used like I did before. So many others share these similar struggles, I have learned. It seems better now for me to step back, take stock, regroup, refocus, and continue to go forward with a heart still in tact and capable of giving back (where appropriate!)