“Did He Ever Love Me?” A Qualitative Study of Life With a Psychopathic Husband
Just Like His Father? (available through this site) was released in October, 2006. At that time I fantasized that the audience for the book would be single parents or grandparents raising the children of personality disordered individuals. I thought that most of the disordered parents would have abandoned the family and want nothing to do with the kids. While we still do not know what percentage of personality disordered parents abandon their kids, I have come to believe that that those who do not are a much bigger social problem.
Within 6 months of the release of the book, people who were trying to co-parent with severely disordered former partners began to write me. At first I did not believe the stories because they so contradicted common sense and my clinical training. What sane person would believe that the family courts would grant unsupervised access or even custody to severely personality disordered abusive parents? Well I discovered that is just what they do, and since that discovery have been working obsessively to change things.
If we are to change the insane system the first thing we need is valid, objective reliable data regarding how it operates. We also need valid, objective reliable data about the parenting and intimate behavior of people with cluster B personality disorders. I have set a goal to collect that data not for a “pop psychology” book but for its scientific value. That has meant Ethics Committee (IRB) approvals, funding, questionnaires, interviews, research assistants and statistics. I am still collecting this data from former partners and adult children of disordered individuals but have made substantial progress (send Donna an email if you want to consider providing data).
Last year I was teaching a research methods class to graduate students in counseling. We were discussing qualitative and narrative research when one of the students raised her hand and said she enjoyed reading autobiographies of people who had unusual experiences, a light bulb went on inside my head. I looked at her and said, “See me after class.” Last summer that student, another student Emily, Linda who blogs for Lovefraud, and I read and analyzed using modern qualitative methods 18 memoirs written by former partners and adult sons and daughters of psychopathic individuals. I am happy to announce that one of the papers generated from this research is now available.
The paper provides substantial data that might be useful for women who are trying to protect children from a psychopathic father. The paper also explains to professionals how and why women get into these relationships and the damage the relationships do. Here is the abstract:
Abstract:
This is the first in-depth study of the influence of psychopathy (as assessed by the PCL-R) on the intimate relationship behavior of men. Using well-established qualitative methods, Leedom, Geslien, and Almas examined the published memoirs of 10 women who had long-term relationships with psychopathic men. They also examined articles, videotaped interviews, forensic evaluations where available, and author feedback. The authors determined that these relationships consist of four phases: induction, commitment, disengagement, and recovery. All of the women they studied had been conned, manipulated, or coerced during all or most phases of the relationship. The data from the 10 memoirs have been triangulated with that of a memoir written by a woman who had been kidnapped at age 11 and held 18 years by a psychopathic man, and with a case well known to the first author. Although the resulting data are qualitative and come from a limited number of cases, they have enabled the formulation of a model to explain the relationship between the facets of psychopathy and intimate partner experiences, exploitation, and abuse. Psychopathic men may occasionally demonstrate “affectionate” behavior and express concern for children, but psychopathy is not compatible with a healthy relationship or a nurturing home environment for children.
You may obtain the paper from The Civic Research Institute
I am unable to provide data regarding the experiences of men because there were no memoirs written by men. The paper presenting the data from adult children has not yet been accepted, but that paper contains data regarding psychopathic mothers.
I hope to continue to do the very difficult task of objectively collecting and reporting data while at the same time advocating for social change. This paper is a start.
ps. she also contacted a lot of folks to write letters for me too, and I am sure she would for a parole hearing for your case as well. Plus, se wrote a BANG UP GREAT letter directly to the parole board.
BDKR
I also want you to know that there are female Spaths. They can also be very charming women with there claws out if you step on there Toes.
Oxy I just got to love you and admire you! You have such a good way of presenting your feelings.You stand hard by them and yet do not ever do it in a offensive way! God I wished I had your gift.
I have hoof and mouth disease. Every time I speak it come out all wrong. Oh yes that is because I am talking to the wrong people and they feed off and twist my words.
This article reminds me so much of what I have been through except not with a husband. The children are not protected and you are right it is almost impossible to prove a spath is a spath with out proof.The legal system will not put out mega dollars for assessments we all know they can even fool psychiatrists and those test they give. They can pass lie detector tests. There are a lot of nasty people out there that have behavior disorders but there are also a lot of people with behavior disorders that have a heart of gold. Neither one of these should be parents in most cases but with the proper help they make great loving parents the good hearted ones. All they need is a spouse that is capable to pick up the slack. Then I see what my grandchildren go through. It is not the court system we have to change it is the child welfare act that has to change. The people we have to get to see this is our politicians. We have to come up with a plan to prove that it will save them dollars to implement child protection from abusive parents or parent. When you can prove that, this is when you may see results.The biggest thing the government worries about is law suits. This is why many of these kids are not dealt with properly. I could save a lot of children if I just had the money the government wastes on covering there butts instead of doing what is right. I hope the very best in getting the courts to see Spaths for who and what they are but it will be a long battle but anything is possible if you have the determination and support.
Dear Grandmother,
If you don’t think I have offended folks…in real life and on this blog…you just don’t know! LOL I’ve got hoof in mouth myself sometimes…not all the time, just some times. Sometimes it is because I don’t say something right, or sometimes it is because I tell the truth and someone doesn’t want to hear it and sometiimes it is just because I’m WRONG! LOL
I can see since you came here though that you have healed, the situation hasn’t changed, but YOU have–and that’s all we can do, to change ourselves. Hang on, keep your faith and keep on praying for those kiddies. (((Hugs)))
Oxy
I will keep praying for those kiddies and many more! I will also pray for you and Good outcomes.
God Bless!
It’s an easy fix. My spath told the court I was an alcoholic, and they allowed him to randomly test me at his expense. It was ordered, though of course he never utilized it. Simply make the same provision for a spath. If he or she is accused, allow the other parent the opportunity to pay for an exam. If they’re not, they have nothing to worry about, right? I’d have taken out a second mortgage to pay for a thorough exam if I was given the same opportunity he was given.
I am the adult child of a mother who was quite severely borderline pd and narcissistic pd, with a smattering of antisocial or ‘spath behaviors thrown into the mix as well.
Plus obsessive-compulsive pd behaviors.
My mother was never formally diagnosed until long after I became an adult; my younger sister and I suffered chronic emotional abuse and even physical abuse from our mother during our vulnerable formative years. We were both physically afraid of our own mother, and each of us suffered long-term emotional injuries (ptsd, depression, zero self esteem, avoidant pd, etc.)
Our father was a kindly but non-confrontational enabler of our mother’s domineering, controlling, abusive behaviors and received about as much abuse as we kids did. For God only knows what reason, they remained married for life.
But if my parents had divorced when my Sister and I were still minors, we would have been automatically given to our mother/our abuser, and would have been raised without the even minor mitigating influence of our dad’s presence in the household.
So, I think that in any custody litigation, it ought to be a requirement that the court orders each parent to undergo a thorough psychiatric examination AND THEN supervise and monitor the family after custody has been determined to see if the children are doing OK or are deteriorating emotionally because they are now in the full sole custody of a parent who chronically abuses them.
Its just as likely that the mother is the abusive, toxic parent as it is likely to be the father. And while its common for psychopaths to be able to fool psychiatrists and judges, the effects of being raised by a psychopathic pd parent are not so easy to disguise. In custody cases, its the children who need to be carefully observed and protected from covert abuse by their own personality disordered and/or psychopathic parents.
Babs, your suggestion is an EXCELLENT ONE but unfortunately, the cost $$$$ of such monitoring would be prohibitive…and as it is, the child protective services doesn’t monitor the KNOWN CASES OF ABUSE OF CHILDREN well enough, much less “normal” divorce cases. But if it could be impemented your suggestion is GREAT!
I’m sorry that you had such a childhood, but at least now that you understand what went on, you can work on healing and “reparenting” yourself. It isn’t easy but we can do it. My egg donor wasn’t quite a “bad” as your egg donor, but I did have a wonderful step father that did mitigate my egg donor’s lack of nurturing quite a bit and I am glad for that.