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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Not my sociopath

Editor’s note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.”

January 30, 2013, was the “day after” my divorce trial. I was granted my maiden name as a term of the divorce. The rest of the terms aren’t important. What is important is that once I discovered what he had done, he ceased being “mine” in every capacity.

He was no longer “my husband,” and he was never “my spath.” He is his own disordered individual and belongs to himself, solely, and forever.

Once a person is proven to be toxic to me, they are no longer “mine,” and I would like to convey this concept to every LoveFraud reader to consider. When they were “ours,“ they were strictly an illusion. What they truly are does not belong to us, never did belong to us, and we need to lose this reference as “my spath,” or “my ex-spath,” or any connotation that remotely connects them to us.

I had kept specific details of my situation with the ex-spath that I will name as, “Kerby,” very vague due to the sensitive details of my divorce trial. Because he has not yet been charged with a crime or found guilty of that crime, any use of Kerby’s legal name could be construed as slanderous. I can say that he is a State Employee and has been for almost 2 decades. Where he lives will remain vague. What he is, what he’s done, and how I’m recovering will have to come in pieces and parts.

The divorce trial: loss, deception, and disordered behavior

What I can say about my divorce trial experience is that it was fraught with extreme anxiety and deprivations that are not only unbelievable, but conditions under which no human being should be forced to exist in these United States. As a result of Kerby’s deliberate deceptions and actions, I not only lost everything that I had, but my identity as an artist was destroyed when he maliciously wiped out my computer. It contained 9 years of documentation of my work along with files, programs, and vital information with regard to my exhibits, my experience, my abilities, and visual imagery of my artwork. All of that is gone, forever, and there was no legal remedy for his action.

What I can also say about my divorce trial is that Kerby is a coward. When all of the evidence was presented to him by his own attorney, he maintained that he wasn’t going to comply with what would have been reasonable and that he was going to fight to the death to protect his income – a very healthy income as a State Employee. The bankruptcy scare has now turned into a horror show that was written, directed, and produced by Kerby himself. He will, for many years, be paying for his greed and disordered machinations and Karma will, indeed, reign Chaos directly upon his graying head. And, he did it to himself.

The oddest thing about the trial was not the hours of negotiations and Judge’s irritation at Kerby’s childish failure to be “prepared for trial.” The oddest aspect of this was the distinct and glaring indication of just how disordered he truly is. Throughout this ordeal, his mother (also disordered in character and personality), whom he had openly and verbally disdained throughout the sham of a marriage, accompanied him to every hearing, often driving him in her own car, lest her little boy (37 years old) be too upset to drive himself. During the hours of waiting in the courtroom, questions and speculation began circulating throughout the courtroom staff. From the Bailiff to the clerk to even the Judge, himself, the question arose as to why Kerby (the defendant) would “bring his girlfriend to his own divorce trial.” Because of where I was seated, I wasn’t able to observe the behaviors, but there was apparently inappropriate contact between the mother and son that caused the staff to believe that they were lovers.

Kerby is, was, and will forever remain a very, very disordered human being. He was raised by a disordered human being, and anyone that he comes into contact with is in danger of exploitation – any man, woman, child – nobody is immune to his greed, his deviances, and his absolutely childish mental state.

Free in name, heart, soul and spirit

I am free of that man, forever. In name, in heart, in soul, and in spirit, I am free of him and all that I lost is worth this freedom. Today, I begin rebuilding me. When he finally faces charges of criminal fraud, I will not feel one shred of pity or sympathy for him. He is, for all intents and purposes, non-existent. He is no longer “mine,” on any level. He has less meaning than an animal that has been struck and killed by a car – wildlife has no concept of motor vehicles or traffic patterns, and Kerby had every concept that what he was doing was illegal, immoral, and carries harsh consequences.

I would like to urge everyone who is in recovery from a sociopath entanglement to drop the “mine,” and “my” reference to the person who dealt them damage. Only the illusion belonged to us. The spaths belong unto themselves, solely. Feel this freedom. Feel this empowerment that we no longer are being gas-lighted, poisoned, threatened, coerced, manipulated, abused, dismissed, ignored, invalidated, and ruined. We are priceless, each of us, and our recovery is the spit in the eye that they deserve. We will be “happy,” at some point. “They,” on the other hand, will remain organisms that only mimic human beings, forever and ever, amen. And, Karma will certainly knock on their proverbial door in the form of an arresting officer, a Judge, a jury, or God in Heaven. We may be a catalyst to that Karma, and we may not be. But, everything is all about recovery, boundaries, and fueling our own emotional power, from this point on.



35 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Not my sociopath"

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  1. Ox Drover says:

    Babs, I agree with Truthy, the FANTASY that they create from holding a mirror up to our greatest desires and we SEE that fantasy. Of course it is an illusion and not real at all, just a house of mirrors and falls like a house of cards.

    You “fell for” this illusion and you need to forgive yourself for that, we all make poor judgments, for lots of reasons, and we get the consequences of those poor judgments and poor decisions but that doesn’t mean we need to keep on beating ourselves up forever.

    We just have to deal with the consequences (financially etc) and then to HEAL OURSELVES….ask yourself WHY you fell for this fantasy and start working on healing yourself. The healing process starts out about THEM and what they are, but ends up being about US and why we made the poor choices we did and how in the future we can meet our own needs with GOOD choices.

    Yep, he is a scumbag….and has no remorse at all. No conscience. But YOU are not like that, so you can at least start off by seeing that you are NOT “one of them.” That right there in and of itself is the biggest blessing you can have. God bless and comfort you. We all make mistakes, but we can learn from them, and I believe God never gives us more than we can handle. Sometimes he calms the storm and sometiimes he calms the child, so hang onn and BELIEVE you can handle this.



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  2. MoonDancer says:

    Babs
    gettin over a certified sociopath is unlike anything you”ll ever have to do. your left with this huge feelin of loss..and we think gettin them back will fill that feelin of loss, when in fact it only prolongs the ”life lesson”..
    yep think of this as a life lesson, now your focused on him and the horror of what he is…
    soon you will turn this into finding out about yourself.
    you have about another year to go before you can truly begin the search for the meaning of life for yourself..just mho…..
    5 years and counting..



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  3. Emily says:

    thank you for the article. i have tears in my eyes as I write this as I am going through my own nightmare divorce with my husband of 10 years who i realize now, is a sociopath. He ia a police officer that has abused his power to the fullest to destroy me. He has lied and filed false criminal charges on me. I am terrified. He has now moved onto our finances as his next area of control. I pray every day that I can just make it through for our two children. The only comfort that I have is knowing that he has targeted me and not our two children.



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  4. Ox Drover says:

    Emily,

    I hear your frustration and yes, fear, and I don’t want to frighten you but he WILL use your kids as a battering ram to break through your defenses and to hurt you because you love them, so GET PREPARED. With psychopaths EXPECT THE WORST and then if you don’t get it, you feel relief.

    READ READ READ and fiind ways to relieve your stress if you can. Take care of YOURSELF because you are going to need all your strength. Knowledge is power, so read and learn and keep coming here to vent. There are lots of good folks here with experience with the divorce and kids to help you through. Good luck and Good bless.



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  5. bethv says:

    Heartbrokenmom,
    What scares me is he was stupid enough to come to court “unprepared” which irritated the judge. A real spath pro like my husband’s ex wife, is always prepared, and so, so convincing….a true victim! If you have children with him, remember this is genetic! Watch for a lack of empathy…biggest clue there is trouble.
    Having children with them links you for life…making anyone who truly loves you in the future collateral damage…I would know, I am speaking 1st hand. Children, former partners….everyone. It takes a strong willed, witty, clever, secure person to stay one step ahead of the spath, and even then once in a while we get surprised! I have been with my husband for 8 yrs. His 17 and 22 yr old children are destroyed and severely damaged. They are pros at being the victim to get what they want, they learned from a pro, their mother. Their attitudes and warped lack of conscience will fall on generations for years to come, releasing this into our society….we all will suffer. God Bless you, congrats….Beth V.



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  6. Ox Drover says:

    Beth do you and your husband have contact with the children who are disordered? If so, as the parent of one dysfunctional but non P son and a psychopathic criminal, I am NC with them both. It was hard, it hurt, but contact also hurts and it hurts continually.

    NC brings closure, it brings peace.



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  7. lovingthem says:

    Emily,

    Your post brings back so much pain. My ex is a licensed psychologist and used his profession and status to bully and intimidate me. I was literally terrified of him and still am to be truthful, but I did get out alive and with my children. Make sure you have an excellent attorney who understands psychopaths. I hired another psychopath to represent me and it ruined me financially. I wish I would have taken some really good advice and gone to the local women’s shelter and asked them for some referrals before hiring an attorney. You need someone really, really good and someone trustworthy.

    Yes, you ex will use the children as leverage. They know that once we decide to leave them the children are the only leverage they have and they know we will do anything or give up anything to protect our children. You must have a good attorney and one you can trust or you will be “raped a second time” so to speak. That’s what happened to me. I hired a psychopath to help me break free of a psychopath. This happens all too often.

    Read here often. The advice and wisdom of these wonderful ladies has helped me so much.



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  8. bethv says:

    Ox Drover, My husband’s children never have been able to enjoy their father, even before the divorce. She would stop them from running to him as little children happy to see their daddy! When he divorced her and I got involved all hell broke loose. She never let up, she never quit coaching and lying to them…she would call our house 27 times in one day when they were here over weekend. When I took the phone off the hook, she got them cell phones and would have them call with their every move.Her life goal is to break us up and wreak havoc on our lives until we die. She and the children believe that my husband owes them monetarily until he dies…and then some. He has bent over backwards paying more monthly than he used to make to them…it was never enough. The treat him like #$%@ and years at a time go by without them speaking to him. He says he has become at peace with being there when they contact him, and not hearing from them for long, long periods at a time. It is almost a relief at times. He has my 27 yr old daughter who treats him like gold and with great respect…but then again, she was raised that way. For anyone that reads this remember, the biggest mistake you can make next to hooking up with a spath is parenting your children out of guilt once you have them and leave. They will feed on that and become entitled, ungrateful, brats. God Bless, Beth V



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