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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Marriage, betrayal, and no guilt whatsoever

Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.

When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.

Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.

Wedding and honeymoon

In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…

After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.

It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.

Massive debt

A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.

Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.

After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.

The new guy

Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.

Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.

I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…

August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.

I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.

He won’t pay

When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.

Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.

I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else … list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.

Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.



151 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Marriage, betrayal, and no guilt whatsoever"

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  1. blossom4th says:

    Ruby,
    Everyone here has felt the same way~especially early after spath relationship was dissolved.That’s why you must take care of yourself and heal.That could take awhile.Each person’s journey is different.

    I can’t remember which thread I read it in,but the person posting commented that while the flame’s brilliance may become dim during the spath experience,the flame is STILL THERE.It only has to be lit and made brilliant again.Our good qualities didn’t disappear;they only seemed to.

    I remember when I began looking for ways to “find myself again”.I felt like the bubbly,fun person I am,was LOST.The first thing I did was start working on my concentration with word search puzzles (choose whatever you like).My counselor had asked me to keep a journal…I wasn’t even able to do something as simple as that!That’s why I decided to work on concentration first.Then I decided I needed to learn to laugh again.Time to search for funny movies and jokes.And then it was time to get my creativity back.I was scared,but I made a floral arrangement for the first time!There are many good ideas here as some have posted about working out at the gym or taking walks,etc.

  2. Ruby says:

    Hi, all
    I have been away, must have to share this with everyone that even though i am hurt and have moments when I hate my self but after all this deep down i feel my self as a strong and better person. since few weeks I have realise that I am better off without him and this all due to my friends and work colleague. I didnt even knew how good I am till I start getting praised by my work colleagues and my clients. they all say similar things about me. that I am classy, I am geniune, kind, loving, and list is endless, not just this they gave me lots of prays which i do feel my expath would not be getting. prays mean alot to me. every pray make me more stronger person.

    God Bless to All :) xx

  3. Ruby,

    So good to hear from you! You are sounding stronger. Good for you. Yes, you are better off without him. The further away you get from him the stronger you will become.

    I’m so glad your work colleagues are being supportive. You deserve it!

  4. Tea Light says:

    God bless you too Ruby, really lovely to read you sounding much stronger and to know you have the support of good caring kind people.

  5. Ruby says:

    Hi, Thanks Donna and Tea Light
    yes this time I am lucky that i am surrounded my positive people, in past all my life I have been used and abuse in evry way not just in relationship but even friends were manipulative as well. this time I my instinct say no to someone I straight away break any ties with the person. After all this I have completely disconnected with some of the friends who always pretend to be my best friends but they were actually back stabbers. still struggling but every day teach me something new. I am also waiting for my counselling sessions to start. divorce proceeding taking very long as he is not really cooperative I wanted to be done soon but aware will take time.

    God Bless All xx

  6. blossom4th says:

    Ruby,
    So good to hear from you!And good news that you share!As you show what a bright light you are,you will be noticed by genuine people;those who who will prove to be true friends & supportive of you!

    It’s good that you’re a patient person;unfortunately spaths ‘play their games’ with the courts,too!Keep us updated from time to time!

  7. Ruby says:

    Hi, All
    thanks for support yes I am getting better but still I do have bad days when I just cry whole day. last couple of days were tough for me I have been crying with out knowing the reason and most weird thing is I am missing my Expath which i dont understand why :(
    even though i was never happy with him but still this why is bothering me again from past 2 days !!!
    Blessing to All

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