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Why do they always come bouncing back like bad pennies

By Sarah Strudwick

It’s just coming up for three years now since I wrote Dark Souls, in the hope it would help other women who have been though the same as me. In January 2010 I kicked out my psychopathic ex after uncovering a string of lies which included working for a job that never existed, feigning cancer, multiple sexploits on the internet, and advertising his services as a sperm donor. The list goes on.

Over the last three years I have worked tirelessly to get myself out of debt, educate others and, more important, heal from the abuse. Yet up until a couple of months ago, this person continued to stalk me. I’ve had to change my phone number three times as a result, and I lost a fair amount of business along the way. Whilst I now deal with it in a matter-of-fact way, I always assumed he was stalking because he hadn’t found any new narcissistic supply to keep him busy.

A couple of months ago an ex acupuncture client saw me a in the supermarket and asked why she couldn’t get hold of me for an appointment. I explained I had changed my number and directed her to my website.

Distraught text message

In my optimism, since things have been reasonably good for a few months now, I decided to put the number on my site again, Then voilà—a last week I was amazed to receive a very distraught text message from my ex’s current victim, asking me if I know him and when was the last time I slept with him. My first reaction, since my ex has gone under a number of different guises pretending to be other people in order to keep contact with me, was, “Is it genuinely her or him?”  I decided to go on Google and look up the number, which took me to a website he owns.

I was tempted to respond with a comment like, “I’d be more concerned not about ‘when’ was the last time I slept with him, but how many other people he has been seeing during the time they have been together?” After all this is a man who sleeps with “anything,” whether it be women, men or transvestites. But I suggested he or she could call me if they wanted further information. I received a text back saying, “He’s with me now; I can’t talk.” The following day, the number was disconnected.

It goes without saying I was somewhat intrigued as to why she may have contacted me after so long. Although I had evidence about his “sexploits,” there had never been any substantial evidence he was in a “proper” relationship with anyone else apart from me. I was also intrigued that no sooner had I put my website number back up, she called me. I wondered whether he had tracked me down via the internet and used a bit of “torture by triangulation” in order to see what a reaction he would get from either of us.

With that in mind, curiosity killed the cat and I called the number.

The new target

I was shocked to discover that not only was this new target young enough to be his own daughter, but he has had two children with her, in the time we have been apart (one of whom whilst he was with me).

If there was ever a reason not to play “detective,” this had to be one of them. Also, knowing how keen he was to plant his sperm in any women that would be willing to take it, I felt sick seeing the smug look on his face as he smirked holding his new babies. I decided to give myself a big, big slap round the face for even bothering to look. It just goes to show how words and promises mean nothing to them. We should never play detective, no matter how much we have been triggered.

The last time my own family saw him, he had taken my teenage kids out to see “Twilight.” He was telling them how much he loved their mum (i.e. me), and was really looking forwards to sorting himself out and starting a new family with us, since he had left his “horrible” wife. However, I realise now that at that time his new target would have been well and truly pregnant. This probably explains why he wasn’t around at Christmas to support me whilst I recovered in hospital from an internal bleed from an operation. My own daughter had to cook the family Xmas dinner. When he finally did turn up, it comes as no surprise that I kicked him out a few days later in the New Year.

The Disposable Family

I believe psychopaths view their families are utterly disposable. This is a man who had two beautiful, lovely children from his first wife. They are under 10 and still need a father. I assumed he would continue seeing them whether we had had a family or not. However, with the ability to re-invent themselves at the drop of a hat, it comes as no surprise that he has a brand new family. It also doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that it’s only a matter of time before he messes up again. Even worse, and to add insult to injury to his poor first wife, he’s called one of his new children the same name as his son from his previous marriage!

This new woman would not have been able to get my number unless he had searched for it. As I said earlier, I took all phone numbers off my web sites for months. My guess is he’s either already on his way out, and wanted to shift the blame by putting both his current target and myself in a position when if his new partner were to leave him, he could then blame me for “spilling the beans”.

What’s even more interesting was that he would give his poor new, soon to be wife my number. Perhaps it was in order to triangulate and get her all upset. It’s the same as he did to me when he tried to push me to the point where I would tell his own “bitchy” wife that he was having an affair.

Either way, I doubt this woman will contact me again. He’s probably told her the same old sob story about his ex girlfriend being a bitch. He told me his wife was the problem.

Not my responsibility

Despite feeling sorry for his new target, it’s not my responsibility to take on her problems. This man has messed up again. Until he takes responsibility for his own actions, and grows a conscience, it’s only matter of time before he re-invents himself and starts another family all over again.

On a positive note, in January 2013 I celebrate three years being psychopath free. Whilst it’s hurtful to find out that he’s got a new family, I thank my lucky stars daily that I don’t have the legacy of having a family to raise from him to remind me of him.

If I would give anyone any advice after this recent discovery, is that it’s only a matter of time until your ex, or one of their many victims, will turn up again like a bad penny. Whether it’s three months, three years, or 30 years, it’s just one of the many ways in which they try their hardest to remind people (no matter how much you have moved on with your life) they will continue to do their best to remind you they are still there lurking in the background. It may be giving your phone number to new partners, or for whatever reason or making you feel responsible for their new victims. Either way don’t bite, don’t engage and most of all, however hard it is, don’t play detective ever again.



152 Comments on "Why do they always come bouncing back like bad pennies"

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  1. orange ocean skys – Lovefraud does have several members who are gay. I don’t know about the numbers of sociopaths in the gay community, but it seems to me that the behaviors are exactly the same. I haven’t heard of any way in which gay sociopaths behave differently than those who are heterosexual.

    In my opinion, many sociopaths are neither straight nor gay. They use sex as a manipulation technique, and will have sex with anyone in order to further their agenda.



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  2. orange ocean skys says:

    Well… I am a 42 yr old male I met my ex pshchopth/domestic partner 3 years ago we became domestic partners 2 years ago and at the beginning any wish I made he made come true. About 3 months in I found a dating website on his computer so I asked him about it. He started to kiss me with no reply so I stop him and told him no we need to talk he grab me and put his face close to mine and said, ” no one and I mean no one has ever told me no.” It was like a different person. So we faught about that and not the real issue. At that time I didn’t know that would be the foundation for the entire relationship. I went through being belittled, liied to, cheated on, many, many, many times, and chocked unconscious, and hit in the head with a steel candle holder which knocked me out. He works for a train station so for him to be gone for days was not that uncommon, the perfect cover. He’s 42 and now he has a 27 yr who works at a gas station.. oh well. It’s been 8 months since the break up and I am a lot better! He still trys to get a hold of me but the next time I see him it will be at court for the divorce.



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    • imhope says:

      Ugh! When i’m asked if i believe in gay marriage i say, sure, i think they should have to go thru divorce just like the rest of us! Now that i’m seeing it happen, i bite my tongue, not so funny now! Ouch, so, where were you married? Why do you think he married you? Is his 27 yr old honey a guy or does he have a cover?
      R



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  3. Tea Light says:

    I recognise some of what the article’s author has experienced; my abuser who has psychopathic traits has two failed marriages behind him and he has harad me for 9 months now. It’s now a police matter. But I take issue with the title of the article which presents the author’s personal belief ( that all sociopaths return to their ex partners lives after a break up) as fact. It isn’t a fact. Many posters here have had exactly the opposite experience- that of being unceremoniously dumped by their disordered ex who moves on with great speed to a new target and dismisses their heartbroken and confused ex’s attempts to discuss the situation. Then, the former partner is portrayed themselves as abusive / crazy / a stalker.

    I’ve read many posts here where , rather than harassing their ex, the person with sociopathic traits discards and disappears.

    Also, I have to take issue with the author’s rather alarming advice that ” it’s only a matter of time until your ex, or one of their many victims, will turn up again like a bad penny. Whether it’s three months, three years, or 30 years,”

    Again, this is the author’s personal belief / speculation. It is not based on any cited research into sociopaths and stalking behaviour.

    Anyone being stalked by an abusive ex, please take heart. The majority of ex partner stalkers who are persistent and also personality disordered is very small. Most stalkers are not disordered and most stop once the police are involved. Most persistent disordered stalkers stalk strangers and associates, not ex partners.

    If you are unlucky enough to have a persistent stalker ex who is also a sociopath, the research suggests their activities on average carry on for weeks and months, and does stop. The key thing is not to respond to any attempts to contact you ( or if you are coparenting keep contact strictly court mandated and via lawyers whenever possible)



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  4. Tea Light says:

    Orange ocean skies, did you have counseling to support you after the domestic violence? About any ongoing harassment by your estranged husband, ex partner harassment is motivated by desire to resume the relationship , desire to punish the ex partner for breaking away, or, researchers have found, it’s often an ambivalent mixture of those two impulses. It is horrible but it’s been shown in studies into victims of stalking and harassment that the more pro active you are about protecting yourself and compiling evidence, the more resilient you will be during the experience and the quicker you’ll bounce back. Try the Stalking Risk website for lots of great advice by acacademics who know their stuff. Good luck and stay safe!



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  5. orange ocean skys says:

    Tea light, it is skys:) done on purpose, and thank you so much. The only people that seem to believe me 100% are family members. The therapists, although not on purpose, seem to be blaming me for letting it happen. I still wake up at night kicking.last time I talked to him, in January, he begged me not to say good bye. That was the strongest thing I’ve ever done, and belive me I’ve been through a lot!



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  6. blossom4th says:

    orange ocean skys,
    You haven’t found the right kind of therapist.Your therapist should help you;never blame you for what happened!You have the right to ask for a therapist who specializes with victims of the personality disordered.



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  7. Stargazer says:

    BBE, I had no idea about the link between testosterone in the womb and homosexuality/personality disorders. Fascinating. All of my current gay friends are all very healthy in every way I can see. They do not drink or smoke; they do not hang out in bars, they are in committed relationships, they have fulfilling creative careers, and they eat well and stay in shape. But then, I don’t hang out with people who smoke or drink heavily anyway. I think all bars – whether they be gay or straight – are fertile grounds for alcoholics and other addictive personalities. Obviously, smoking and drinking are addictions, and addictions can sometimes mask personality disorders or other psychological problems, or just run-of-the-mill neuroses.

    However, I’ve also seen a more theatrical and maybe less healthy side to the gay community when I lived in San Francisco. The obsessive focus on sex seemed a little unbalanced. My gay friends here are very different.



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    • behind_blue_eyes says:

      Star;

      Where do you live? It does seem that big cities with large gay populations seem to draw in the dysfunctional…

      OTOH, it has only been in the last few years that I realized how toxic is the gay bar and club scene in New York and had I realized such earlier, I probably wold have been much more cautious.

      Are straight bars and clubs the same?



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  8. Frandee says:

    I just wanted to say I have waited years to see KARMA come to fruition…….After all the years, $$$, Tears, Stress, Lies Waiting etc… I went thru and cleaning up his messes, he is back to square one and in jail in one county and will be sent to another county for more crimes committed……. I’m sure he is wishing he still “had me” back on his side like before, he is up Sh*ts creek without a paddle this time, I don’t know who he could have been involved with to help him this time, but Thank God he is no longer my problem!!! I hope he has become someone’s little boy toy, sorry to sound mean but…………. they NEVER change!!! I am finding Peace like I had before he met me, but this time its different, I know I learned things I needed to learn about people and mostly myself!!! Best thing I can say is Boundaries and No Contact!!!



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    • imhope says:

      Frandee~
      Well, he could have gotten something worse than jail…LOL! I figure my exspath is just getting his by life itself. His whole being is about acting the bigshot, big spender, etc. He is now a poop scooper in a dog kennel without a pot to pee in. He has a fake business that is no more than a FB page, a GF that he has never met face to face who thinks he is an executive, living the good life without the “time” to hop a plane to go meet her. In her words they have been together for a year and he has been an executive since they “met”. I tried to warn her 54 yr old dumb a$$, but she says he has warned her that i am a psycho and would make up stories about him. Funny, just last Dec he was kicked out of his last GF’s house and forced into the situation he is in now. So much for this new one being with him for a year! But you know what cyber space does…makes you whatever you want to be…that used to be alcoholism!
      R



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  9. Tea Light says:

    Sorry Orange Ocean …Skys, and many congratulations for drawing the line in the sand. They don’t have to like that it’s over, they just have to accept it. Pleading, begging, promises to change, threats to self harm, harassment, any of that is a sign of someone unable to accept another’s autonomy and their right to say ”No more”.

    It sounds like your therapist needs to read up on trauma bonding. And needs to validate your courage and your resolve in ending the abuse!



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