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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The sociopath didn’t take it all from us

Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Adelade.”

I’ve experienced so much personal loss as a result of my second marriage that I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.  I lost my belongings, all of my inheritance, and I nearly lost my will to live.  When I returned home and the hot water wasn’t coming out of the spigot, I took my little flashlight down to the basement – dirt and gravel floor, unheated, and housing a dead furnace.  I opened the door to the basement and was met with a wall of warm, moist air and the sound of running water.  It was 27 degrees, outside, and 37 degrees inside the shell of the dwelling where I’m currently living.

In the back of this dank-assed basement, the running water was issuing from the top of the water heater onto the gravel and dirt floor in a torrent.  Oh, the water was plenty hot, but it was never going to run out of the spigot or showerhead, again.  I ran to the breaker box and threw the breaker for the hot water heater and shut down the cold water intake for the unit and the torrent became a trickle, and then stopped, entirely.  I just stared at the water heater with contempt – HOW could it have died like that when it knew that I had no money to have it repaired or replaced.  Hell, the carcass of the furnace sat there and stared at me with an absolute lack of emotion or response.

I stalked out of the basement, out into the frigid air, and back up to the frozen mess of the house mumbling every profanity that I could remember.

Well, the point is that I’m in a very miserable situation.  But, even in the midst of all of this constant misery is some hilarity.  The fact that I’m living in conditions that are pre-Hurricane and post-Exspath that are equivalent to 1901 luxuries, it’s just about the funniest situation imaginable.

I’m rediscovering my sense of humor and wit, and I’m so grateful for this miracle.  I never, ever thought that I’d find anything to be mirthful about for the rest of my life, and I’m finding something humorous in this whole test of my resourcefulness and stamina, every day.

One of the things that the exspath did was to glom onto my own sense of humor and wit like a tick sucking blood out of a host.  His own humor was passable, but he wasn’t nearly as witty and he often was visibly annoyed when someone would say (in his company) that I should be a standup comedienne.  This went all over him and he hated not being the wittiest or the most humorous.

Well, today I am absolutely on a roll.  I’m finding that keen wit and humor to be the most valuable qualities that the exspath wasn’t able to coerce from me or forge out of me.

It is imperative for each survivor to find one thing that spath couldn’t take from them.  Whether it’s their wit, their love of cooking, their ability to sing, or their organizational skills, the spath didn’t take EVERYTHING from us.  And, today is the day to acknowledge that the spath didn’t take it all from us.  That ability and quality is the starting point for me to rebuild myself.  And, rebuild, I will.



14 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The sociopath didn’t take it all from us"

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  1. slimone says:

    Adelade ‘truthspeak’,

    I love your post and your connection to yourself!

    I felt like I was with you in that basement…..and then swearing, shrugging my shoulders and shaking my head, right along with you. When you wrote that then you found humor in the situation I felt a wave of happiness for you.

    I was reading a buddhist monk’s essay yesterday and he talked about finding the wryness, and humor in life. That it was really helpful in staying connected to ‘reality’, and to warding off depression and cynicism. He said that when we find humor in what ‘really is’, we can deal with it much more gracefully and fully. We don’t tend to want to escape as much because we have the internal ability to ‘lighten up’.

    Connecting like that with our own humor is a milestone….

    Much love and healing (and a new furnace) to you.

    Slim



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  2. skylar says:

    Hi Slim,
    nice to see you.

    Yep, humor is another great weapon against the spath. It WORKS!

    Truthy, your wit and insights come through in your posts. He couldn’t take that, thank God! You will survive, we all will. Things can only get better once that anchor is gone from our necks.



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  3. Ox Drover says:

    Welcome back Slimone, glad to “see you”

    Yep, the humor…even dark, “gallows humor” is good for us.

    Once my sperm donor rented an airplane from a man who had hand built this small plane called a “gyro-copter” for a film scene he was doing, (sperm donor at that time made wild animal films) and in the process of trying to fly the craft, it was pretty well demolished…..but though there was a close call, no one was actually injured.

    We were all laughing (in relief) after the crash and the man who owned the plane was furious at us for LAUGHING. P sperm donor did pay the man for the plane and in the future no one ever flew it, but it would be made to LOOK LIKE it was being flown in the films.

    When something bad happens or out of your control or even scares you badly it is not uncommon or abnormal to LAUGH ABOUT IT. It relieves the stress from the situation.



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  4. Truthspeak says:

    Okie dokie…..I’m laughing ruefully, and I’d like some serious input.

    I learned that the exspath has now declared bankruptcy and I’m being pressured to file, jointly. The bankruptcy attorney contacted me and didn’t know that there was a TRO in place, that I lived in another state, OR any other important detail about the divorce. All strictly financial, so to speak.

    The atty claimed that I would have a “freebie” because the exspath is paying for the filing, and I am very, VERY dubious about participating in a joint bankruptcy action. Something about this stinks – perhaps, filing my own bankruptcy is prudent, but I’m feeling that this action is going to really, REALLY benefit him if it’s done jointly, and thoroughly damage ME, in the long run.

    Any suggestions?



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  5. Truthspeak says:

    And, I can’t even farking afford to pay for groceries, much less an out-of-state trip OR atty fees for my own bankruptcy action. I already spoke to legal aid, and my case would be too complicated for them.

    I’m concerned, on every level.



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