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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: A hard fought battle, but no regrets

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from the reader who posts as “RobertInSeattle.”

I’ve been running into sociopaths all my life often when I least expected it. And believe me when I tell you — the more I learn, the less I know!

As I’ve been delving into all of this more deeply than I ever have in the past (all because of my breakup earlier this year with my most recent sociopath encounter), it’s finally gotten me to looking much farther back into my own long history with them.

There was so little discussion — and certainly few if any online support groups — in years past that actually addressed sociopathy when I went through my first divorce which started back in 1989. Many of the experts were only beginning to come on board at the time. And only recently have I been reading about how many “experts” — particularly male therapists — continue to avoid identifying females as sociopaths, choosing instead to tag them as bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

In following so many of the current divorce and court stories that I read about on the growing number of boards and chat rooms today, I continue to see all too many of the same cycles of events that transpired in my own divorce and custody battle that started back in Florida. Except there was virtually no support or information to work with back then.

My first marriage

Looking back with new-found enlightenment, my first marriage was truly — and frighteningly — a textbook study in how these people move in quickly and use their charms and power to manipulate and set things up to their advantage. She moved in with me within a month or two of first dating and we got married not long after that, in part due to a problem she had gotten herself into that would have been a violation with Canadian immigration. But we did end up moving south to the States (she was an American) and in less than a year, our son was born. Four years later, we had a daughter. Five years after that on Christmas Day in 1989, after our kids had happily opened up all their Christmas presents, she simply came up and told me calmly that she had been seeing someone else and wanted a divorce. And that was that. No discussion, no emotion, nothing. I was devastated for days but it was just the beginning of a long and dark spiral into a place I could never have imagined. And it all revolved around money and control rather than the welfare of our children as I soon discovered.

Only recently did I finally realize the association of her behavior with being a sociopath: During the drawn out court drama, I had actually made a hard-fought request for court-ordered MMPI tests administered by a professional for admission as background in our final custody hearing. But the woman designated as my children’s Child Advocate was an alcoholic, divorced, man-hating spath herself who naturally sided with my ex- from the outset. Oh — and I later discovered she had never even been qualified for her position in that organization (but that’s for another story). Three days before this pivotal hearing, she managed to get a copy of the tests from the psychologist and realized what was about to transpire in court. So this woman then requested an immediate ex parte hearing with the judge in our case. Without even mentioning the existence of this MMPI evaluation, she told the judge that her recommendation as the Child Advocate in the case was to hand my kids over to my ex — unequivocally! Taking her word, the judge simply signed off on the order and our custody hearing was cancelled! My son called me from their mother’s place that evening just before I was about to pick them up from their weekly dinner (it was their alternate week with me). Probably the worst day of my life (and my children’s)!

And just what was in her MMPI? Short of actually calling her BPD or bipolar, the psychologist’s analysis of my ex- was that she exhibited all of the standard behaviors of people in “a certain category.” Had I known what I know now …

Gaming everyone

My ex- managed to manipulate and game everyone around her — friends, family, attorneys and even the system — initially gaining full custody of our son and daughter. Through a lot of perseverance and help from a few close friends, we managed to completely change the entire system and process in one Florida county, and I did eventually gain full custody of my kids. But it certainly didn’t help that the Child Advocacy program and even the Court system had been infiltrated by sociopaths as well. It was quite the battle and the stuff of books and movies.

I suspect that a lot of this probably sounds familiar to many of you who are still in different stages of battling things out with your sociopath partners. So for those still in your fights, know that there is more information and support today than many of us ever had in the past. When we share our experiences openly, it’s good for everyone and cathartic for each of us. And open knowledge is probably the best way to fight these people who live among us.

Oh — by the way: I have no regrets over any of this. It’s made me who I am today and my son and daughter would not have grown up to be the two wonderful adults that they have become had all of this not transpired. No regrets at all.

Robert



20 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: A hard fought battle, but no regrets"

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  1. Ox Drover says:

    Trutly

    You said up thread:

    “My concern about myself, personally, is that this pendulum has swung way far the other way. I trust NOBODY, and I am almost mean to other people because I’m now speaking truthfuly and bluntly – sugar coating anything doesn’t accomplish much other than getting one’s tongue stuck to the roof of their mouth. I’ve become almost pathologically intolerant, and this is very, very uncharacteristic for me.”

    We can be FIRM without being “mean”—the way you say something can determine whether it is an unwelcome truth, or a nasty crack.

    My wonderful stepfather used to say “you can tell a girl her face would stop a clock, or you can say her face will stop time.” LOL

    So HOW we say something can be POLITE and yet also FIRM.

    We can set FIRM boundaries and then stick to them but in a way that is not rude (usually, there are some people who are SO pushy and disrespectfuil that you must be VERY FIRM and say NO!!!!)

    Once upon a time I had a “friend” who was a thief. I knew she stole from me. She had some stuff stored out here at the farm though and was moving it out, well I told her (boundary) would you please CALL BEFORE you come out, because when we are gone we LOCK EVERYTHING UP and that way you can save yourself a trip and gas if we are not home.”

    POLITE BOUNDARY.

    Well, one day when son D was gone to a “family day” at his sister’s college, this lady knew he was going and she THOUGHT I would also be gone. She knew if we were both gone the place would be locked up, but there was SOMETHING she intended to steal. Know how I knew?

    Well, she called and asked if I was going to be home, and I said yes, what time do you think you will get here, and she said “Oh, I’m at the gate now, but if you hadn’t been home I wouldn’t have come in.”

    Yea, RIGHT! She drove 40 miles one way on the CHANCE I would be home and didn’t call until she got to the gate? LOL ROTFLMAO Yea, I believed that! Well anyway, I could tell she was TIGHT JAWED but she got one or two small boxes of stuff and left. Whatever she had intended to steal while we were gone she would ave had to have climbed over the gate or have cut the lock but I never saw her again. After that, son D and I moved everything that they owed that was stored here into an old building on the edge of the farm where they could get it without coming on to the farm.

    They essentially abandoned it and when I gave them 90 days to remove the stuff because I intended to tear the building down, 6 months went by without a word from them and son D and I went in there and took what we wanted….but guess what….we found ALL KINDS OF OUR STUFF in the boxes that they had stolen. Still need to bull doze the building, but they know better than to be caught here and have not been back.

    These were people who had a LOT OF FRIENDS…but they have destroyed their friendships with all but some TRASH that they have taken up since their honorable friends no longer have anything to do with them. Plus, after 20+ years of marriage they have separated, and each of them is trying to mooch off of someone….I don’t “follow” them per se as in “cyber stalking” but read about them in the newspaper from time to time for one thing or another. He just recently got arrested and it made our local paper which will publish a good cat fight or more than 2 dogs fighting on main street! LOL



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  2. Truthspeak says:

    OxD, thanks for the encouragement – I just don’t want to be hateful, but I’m finding that I’m far more blunt than I ever thought was possible. I don’t INTEND to be mean or hateful, but I just refuse to tolerate bullshit, anymore.

    The former friends…PFFFFFFFFFFTT!!! (waving hand in dismissal) People like that end up down with the dregs, I believe.

    RobertinSeattle, keep posting your experiences. The majority of readers are women, but I believe that there needs to be strong and steady discussion BY male victims ABOUT their experiences and recovery. Men really need to speak up and speak out. TOWANDA on your recovery!

    Brightest blessings



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