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TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: Snagged by a sociopath on Facebook and Twitter

Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Alexa.”

I’d like to tell you a brief story of something that lasted nearly 3 years ALL ON SOCIAL MEDIA and the telephone. I am a 27-year-old Law Student with a Master’s Degree in Sociology and Criminology of all things and this happened to me. A raging feminist who rarely dated somehow fell helpless prey to a sociopath. This was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life and now I can see him doing it to someone else. I went to law enforcement with no avail because of the Internet and my lack of real knowledge of who he is.

It began with love bombing — he friended me on Facebook and liked almost 40 pictures on Day One. Red flag went up immediately and after I told him I don’t trust men and I figured he’s a player from his overzealousness; he told me he was a law student at Emory and an alumni from University of Florida like myself. I began to take the bait … I was applying to law schools at the time. Within one month of our first interaction we were “a couple” that hadn’t even met. He asked me to be his girlfriend after sending me bouquets everyday for 5 days straight. He also sent one to my mother and chocolate covered strawberries to my younger handicapped brother, whom I had told him was my life … That action is what made me fall and I’ll never forget my stepfather telling me, “He’s a psycho or con artist.” He acted like his compassion was for battered and disadvantage women and children, which was mine. I believed in it.

Immediate cheating

Within a few weeks of me agreeing to be his girlfriend and feeling like I was on cloud nine for the first time in my life, he began to flirt with others, which I would not tolerate. I told my mother I believed he had been abused because there was no way for a man to need as much validation as he seemed to seek. He would tell me after I broke up with him that he was sexually abused by a male and he always sought validation in the form of love and sex from other females so he didn’t feel “gay,” or to help him cope with the theft of his childhood and manlyhood, as he saw it. AGAIN, I fell for this and decided to show him the love he never had. WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS!

Months would turn to years of him avoiding meeting me — he called sometimes 45 times a day and he would belittle me, call me names, and threaten to kill himself if and when I left. I never knew if he was serious, and I am so naive and compassionate I couldn’t let myself feel like I was contributing to someone doing that. I stayed … through it all. He would want me to sleep on the phone with him and I often wondered how he had time to do anything. Eventually he threatened to kill me when I began making him angry by hanging up on him and ignoring him for periods of time. All the while I still “loved” him and blamed his behavior on his past.

Fake suicide

Long story short, he faked his death and disappearance multiple times, to which I felt the responsibility to help. He faked his death (as far as I know now) in May —which I fell for. I eventually attempted to overdose after his so-called “attorneys” called me during my law finals to say he left me everything. I felt immense guilt, sadness, and hopelessness. I was hospitalized and lost my semester, only to be released from the hospital and find out he was alive.

Everyday I reflect on this experience. I see visible scars from self-inflicting wounds during my overdose. I have medical bills from seeking help during the relationship because I couldn’t handle it. I see how my family was affected and my poor friends who had tried to get me to wake up. It didn’t matter how bad things got … I always went back. It took me almost dying to really see the light.

But even now I wonder “why me?” and what did he get from ruining my life practically? I know that time heals most wounds, or at least helps us move on, but no one deserves what I went through. I went from a summa cum laude honor student to leaving law to escape a man that never faced me … I live my life between fear and regret, and trying to be okay and actually make progress. I am so grateful to see clearly now. I just wonder when the anger will leave and when I will no longer feel “crazy.”



44 Comments on "TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: Snagged by a sociopath on Facebook and Twitter"

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  1. kim frederick says:

    Fallen one, In traumatic bonding, intermittant reinforcement is a powerful tool the abuser uses to reel you in and keep you put. That is exactly what this guy is doing to you. It is more psychologically binding than consistant reinforcement is. The fact that he provides a few crumbs of goodness, sprinkled in between the abuse and neglect, is a powerful force to be reckoned with. I’m sure you are expereincing a lot of cognitive dissonance, as well.
    I used the first 3 steps of the twelve steps to get through this phase of recovery.
    First you recognize your powerlessness over this addiction.
    Then, you “come to believe in something” out-side yourself, that can and will restore you to sanity. (Insanity, in this case, is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.)
    Third, you turn your will and your life over to the care of a higher power, or, God, or perfect love, or truth, or something, and you develope a way of life that relys on faith, you reject fear, and turn to faith in your higher-power.
    I said, “please” every morning, and “thank-you” every night. I asked for strenth to get through each day, one day at a time.
    People here, know that I love to interpret symbols, and one of the ways I practice this, is by reading tarot cards.
    I have posted a link to the major archana cards, the devel, which means, “bondage” and to me specifically, “trama bondage” and also one to the lovers. I want you to look at the cards and notice, structurally how similar they are. There is a man and a woman with a huge figure looming over them. In the lovers card it is an angel. In the devel card it is the presence of evil.
    read the descrptions.
    This devil card vs. the lovers card, can be intrereted as the insanity of the cog-dis, and choosing to turn away from the devil and toward the angel, is taking the third step. Look into it. It might help a little. I think it’s profound.



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  2. kim frederick says:

    Sorry, forgot to post the links.

    http:/http://www.learntarot.com/maj06.htm
    /www.learntarot.com/maj06.htm



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  3. Fallen one says:

    kim frederick:it helped and not a little.a lot.yes i have cognitive dissonance and i realised when i found an archive i had kept of some old conversations with the abuser.i was shocked to see how evil he was and it felt like it had never happened.I used to believe in God but all these mind games made me stray from that too.its humiliating.and yes i am powerless i recognise all situation felt like moving sand the more you struggle to escape the usual ways the more you sink.thank you very much your help is valuable and you are right about the things you point



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  4. Truthspeak says:

    Fallenone, I think spath entanglements and the resulting carnages cause just about everyone who is recovering to question their systems of spiritual beliefs. Being “powerless” doesn’t have to translate into being “helpless,” and that’s probably where I’ve had issues, personally.

    For me, the cog/diss was in direct relation to my shame-core beliefs. I believed that I was responsible for the happiness and well-being of everyone else. With that burden also came a mistaken belief that I maintained some sort of control. It’s pretzel logic, to be sure, but it was intertwined with the faulty shame-core beliefs that I could “control” other people via sheer force of will. Of course, this was one of those “ah…HAH” moments that helped me to put the cog/diss in its place.

    The exspath was a bad person. He remains a bad person. Regardless of HOW he became that way, he will always remain a bad person because he does not have the ability to feel remorse, pity, or empathy. As a “target,” I gave the exspath everything that he needed to work my personal issues and vulnerabilities to his benefits while dismantling my strengths and positive qualities. God, Jehovah, Vishnu, Great Creator — whomever — had nothing to do with my being targeted, nor did he/she/it have anything to do with how I expressed my personal issues.

    Although my spirituality is still in tatters, I’ve come to a grudging understanding that the higher power has provided me with every miracle that I might ever need to emerge and recover from this nasty mess. I am strong in my mind, and I always was. I just didn’t know it until the end of the marriage. I am thoroughly resourceful, and I always was. I just learned how resourceful I can be. I have the capacity to build strong, tight boundaries and to place my recovery and emotional safety in my own hand, first, and rely upon my common sense and good judgement. These are all new things that I learned about myself that I had already been gifted with.

    So, I’m one babystep closer to acknowledging that the higher power is out there, somewhere.

    We’re powerless, oh you bet. But, only over other people. Where our own choices and decisions are concerned, we are powerFUL, and nobody can take that away from us after we rediscover this truth. How powerful does it make a person who is able to look a spath in the eye, identify what they are, and shut them down and walk away? How powerful is THAT? It’s an awesome power, and a dire responsibility that shouldn’t be taken lightly. We can change our own worlds, once piece at a time. It’s just a matter of taking back those pieces and holding them fast.

    Brightest blessings



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  5. Fallen one says:

    Truthspeak the last paragraph of your post is the brightest ray of light in a continued darkness i have been for so long
    I read the book you recommended me at the moment and i am in amazed as i see my extremely disfunctional family before my eyes.in the end all things have an explanation.i better know the painful truth than live in a lie and i start to feel rage against all those hypocrites who praise the importance of family without giving us one single clue on potentional harm so when we grow older we are at the mercy of spaths.pls recommend me more of the books you read this one is a great help page to page



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  6. Fallen one says:

    Once again i need to thank Truthspeak for recommending me the book.Today i realised i have been way more abused than i believed till now and this is a major problem for me as the spath is spitting image of my parents in bahavior.I want to ask you my friends do you know any site like this one which offers help to people who suffered child abuse?i feel i cant deal with the spath if i dont face the abuse i experienced as i child.i keep repressing it and end up trying to relive past trauma through the spaths



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