By Olga Rodriguez
Every time I post on LF; I predictably get a text from the sociopath saying something negative; sure enough after the last posting (Now I can honestly say to a victim, ‘I understand how you feel’) I got one.
I recall having a conversation with the sociopath back when we were still together. I was expressing my love of writing. I said I’d love to write a book sometime. His response was, “Me too.” I asked why and he said, “Just so I can say I wrote a book.” Bragging rights, I guess! I asked, “Would you care if it sold or not? “ He said, “No!” I explained that my reward would be having someone, even if it was just one person, say, “That book changed my life.” Or I’d like just knowingthat someone’s life was made better because of my writing; whether they said it or not wouldn’t matter.
The above is just to give you an idea of how I feel about writing. Having said that; I hope the following helps someone, yes, even if it is just one!
Mind over matter
So, after I received the nasty text from the sociopath, I thought, “Here we go again.” But I didn’t have time to feel anger or any other emotion because this thought was interrupted by a phone call that would turn my attention to a more serious matter. I was told that my sister was not feeling well and that she seemed to be seriously ill; I rushed over. EMT was already there; I was asked what hospital they should take her to and I responded; she was rushed to ER. She has been in ICU Neurology for over a week now; she had a stroke. She is in critical condition. There was bleeding in the brain, her head was shaved and they have inserted a tube to drain the blood. Please excuse my medical terms as I am obviously not in the medical field.
She has aspiration pneumonia, her heart is failing and she is basically on life support. She can go into cardiac arrest anytime; doctors are very surprised she is still with us.
How minute his harassing text seems now compared to what I am faced with! My sister is on a medication called “Nimbex” that, according to her doctor, paralyzes her body; it is imperative to her recovery that she not exert any energy.
I look back now at how many times I felt paralyzed by the SP’s actions. I allowed shame, anger and many other emotions to make me feel as if there was nothing I could do!
Think of this scenario
Are you struggling with what he/she did to you? Are you sitting around trying to make sense out of nonsense? Have you told yourself recently, “I can’t stop thinking about what he did to me?”
If you are, put yourself in this scenario:
You are sitting around reading a craigslist personal add that the SP has responded to. You start smelling smoke; you turn around and realize it’s coming from your child’s room. You run to your child’s room and there are flames already surrounding his/her bed. Your child is coughing; your brain is working at high speed…how do I save my child? You get the child out and call 911 and the next 6 hours are spend at the ER!
There you have it … you stopped thinking about it … because a more serious more urgent matter arose!
We have the ability; but we chose not to! I do understand how difficult it is; I’ve been there but it can be done. My wish for you is that you don’t waste as much time as I did feeling helpless and depressed!
Realizing how short life is!
As I look at my sister in her bed at ICU; I can’t help but think how lucky and blessed I am that I have the ability to make choices; I thank God that I am not paralyzed! Not by Nimbex; not by fear, shame or nonsense!
I also gave thought to the damage I must have been doing to my nerves, my body and my soul through all the negative emotions I was experiencing while in the relationship with SP.
Some things are out of my control and I need to know when to walk away
I prayed to God to save my sister; then I thought, well if he saves her and she is just a vegetable, what kind of life would that be? I would then change my mind and pray, go ahead God, take her. Oh yes, I was telling God what to do! I’d been at the hospital everyday; I was making sure she was being taken care of and I was also making sure my mother was alright. I come from a very large family; I am the youngest and for some reason all my brothers and sisters consider me to be strong. They also think my mother is my responsibility (maybe because I’m single).
God is going to do what he is going to do; yes prayer is good! My prayer has changed; I thank God for my beautiful sister; I know that I have been a great sister to her … I have no regrets! I asked God, “What is my place in this;” I asked what he wanted me to do? As if I already knew the answer; I went to the waiting room and told my mother that I would call my other sisters and ask them if one of them could come and stay with her. (I have 3 sisters that could assist in this). I told her I needed emotional as well as physical rest.
I remembered a lesson I learned from my SP experience; some things are out of my control, such as the SP’s actions and my sister’s outcome. I will take care of the things that I can control; I will take care of myself so that I can be there for the people that I love and the people that love me; and off I went to get some well deserved rest!