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What did the sociopath give me and why is it so hard to let it go?

Editor’s Note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader, NewLife43. I thought everyone should see it.

I had a small epiphany today while driving back from the grocery store. What, exactly, did the spath give me that I find so difficult to let go? I have been married twice before and when those marriages were over, I was sad and wished that they hadn’t ended the way that they had. But neither one of them was like this 8 year relationship! I was still the same person, what was so different this time? Why couldn’t I release it and move on with my life?

Neither one of my ex-husbands were like the spath. In fact, NO ONE had ever made me  feel like he did. And by that I mean, no one had ever made me as physically sick, scared, confused, bewildered, ashamed, lost, financially devastated…well, you get the picture. Most of us on here have been decimated, humiliated and degraded by this sub-human species. What is wrong with us that we cannot LET THEM GO? We shouldn’t just be glad to kiss them good-bye, we should be kicking them goodbye! And instead, many of us would take them back in a heartbeat.

Why? Because they gave us something we so deeply needed, that the world ended the same time that the relationship did. I don’t know what everyone else received from their spath, but I do know what I got from mine. He made me feel loved and accepted in a way I had never been before. He made me feel beautiful on my worst days. He shrugged off my bad moods and laughed me out of them. He ignored any insults I hurled his way and didn’t hold them against me. I could be my most terrible self and he still called me “His Queen”. Since he couldn’t possibly make a mistake in his choice of romantic partner (in his mind, anyway) I was the perfect woman for him. In a way, he did create the world we lived in and so much of it was wonderful, fun, interesting and never, never boring. But. The price I paid was tremendous and I will have to pay it for a while yet. I know that this relationship, this world of his, wasn’t ever real, but you know, it sure felt real. More real than anything I had ever experienced in my life. Those are pretty special feelings and he doesn’t them own, unless I let him.

My spath must have said “I don’t care” at least a thousand times over the course of our time together. And he meant it. What would bother a normal person, he was able to simply shrug off. It was a lesson to me to lighten up my very serious view of the world. Sometimes, things really don’t matter. (Another of his sayings). When I would get upset because something had broken and I would now have to spend the money to replace it, he said, “Things break, they wear out. Why are you getting so upset?” So I would stop and reevaluate what was important. I appreciated that viewpoint and still remember to tell myself that when yet again, something breaks.

I loved his sense of fun, it was so child-like. And although his version of fun would wear thin sometimes when it was inappropriate conduct, I tolerated it because I was thrilled by it. He really lived like somebody left the gate open! I couldn’t have been less like him if I had tried and his way of approaching life helped swing me more to the middle of the road than constantly riding the bumpy shoulder. How sad, for him, for us, that he had no idea when to stop pushing the envelope. Not realizing that what he was doing was hurting so many people. And it caused so much legal trouble in his life. How I wish that he could have kept that sense of joie de vivre without spinning out of control. Sigh! And one day, he didn’t care and I didn’t matter. My heart was broken.

I loved him very much. I still do. But the point is, I have the capacity to love someone and he doesn’t. He never will. Good for me! That means even if I don’t quite know how yet, I will be able to move on. It’s so very, very hard.

So what did he give me? He gave me complete acceptance and what I believed was love, in a way no one had before. And I had an opportunity to explode with genuine love for another person. He made me feel beautiful, no matter what and I am grateful for that.

And even if it was all an illusion, who here wouldn’t go back just for a day when we were first being love-bombed by our spath? Unfortunately, we can’t go back. The good news is, we can find a way to give deep love and acceptance to ourselves! This IS good news!

The spath uncovered our deepest needs and showed us how we can feel about ourselves, through their eyes. Who says we can’t feel that way again? Now this is my goal which I will reach for every single day for the rest of my life. And I have him to thank for that. I didn’t know before I met him that I could be wholly acceptable in someone’s eyes. Only now it’s my eyes. I can love-bomb myself.

If you are old enough, you may remember the poem, “Desiderata”. The best line was: “For all its pain, drudgery and broken dreams, it’s still a beautiful world. Strive to be happy”. Because if I give happiness to myself, then no one can ever take it away from me again. And it can’t be that hard to help myself feel that way again. If the spath can do it, then ANYONE can! What I finally understood is that it’s not him I miss or want back (he comes packaged with too much pain), it’s those amazing feelings. You know they’re already in you. He (or she) doesn’t have a copyright on them. Go get them, everyone!



215 Comments on "What did the sociopath give me and why is it so hard to let it go?"

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  1. Back_from_the_edge says:

    HAHA: “Dupalicious”; that’s right –
    that’s me: “A DUPERS DELIGHT”..

    That’s alright.
    At least “I” was the kind one.

    He can just go rot somewhere with whatever he has
    for a conscious or, wishfully thinking –
    whatever part of him is human enough to have
    even a SPARK of a conscious.

    HIS LIFE is the empty one.
    I tell myself that every time I find myself being sad.

    At least “I” know what it is like to ‘love’ and ‘be loved’.
    I have had that kind of love in my life before. That kind
    that lasts and lasts and lasts, through all eternity. It never
    tarnishes or taints. I know what it is like to have tasted that
    once in my life. It fulfills me. I have tasted ‘love’ at it’s very
    finest and it fulfills me now.

    THAT is my strength and my salvation.
    “IT” may succeed in harming me, eventually,
    but you know what? In the meantime, I am not
    wasting anymore time being a stalked prey of some
    kind. I just am not. I fully intend to go forward with
    my life without “IT” hounding me and trying to make
    me kill myself. I have “IT’s” “game” all figured out now.

    Spoon does really have it ‘squared away’; hm?
    It has taken me a couple years to figure this all out.
    But I certainly DO have a handle on it all, NOW.
    In just a huge way.

    It is quiet.
    FINALLY.

    I am finding my life again.
    I am finding MYSELF again….

    Happy wishes and love and hugs Truthspeak…

    Dupey



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  2. spoon says:

    Dupey

    Hey sweetheart. Hope you had a good weekend.

    My pleasure.

    Don’t know what you read but didn’t say you or anyone cowered but we all capitulated. Gave in to this demand or that demand. That was what I was trying to say. Part of the progression of the “it.”

    Yeah they are in reality just cowards, boys, little men, small minds – smaller hearts. They are just tough behind close doors. Or when they can blindside someone.

    “I absolutely feel safe where I am. Absolutely.”
    Good to hear. Keep it that way. 🙂

    We all have a tendency to treat others as they come across. Someone that acts mousy. We tend to see them that way. Someone that acts like they are in authority we tend to see them that way. It’s how we normally generalize those around us. It becomes part of our mind map. The problem is the mousy person might not really be all that mousy and the one acting as if they are in charge may crumble when they are challenged. A simplification that can lead to our misunderstanding of what, really is.

    “it” owes – but will never pay. File it in file thirteen. And write it off. Can’t collect from these dead beats. Most of the time not worth the effort to try. Think of it as the price of peace.

    And I hope he stays away for GOOD.

    XXOO

    Truthspeak

    Thanks for the kind words.

    T



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  3. Louise says:

    spoon:

    OMG…about the most true words ever spoken…The problem is the mousy person might not really be all that mousy and the one acting as if they are in charge may crumble when they are challenged.

    THANK YOU! 🙂



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  4. Back_from_the_edge says:

    Hi spoon! xxoo

    😛

    Hope YOU had a good weekend too.
    MY weekend was wonderful.

    It is difficult to explain what the rehabilitation process from
    dealing with this ‘being’ so long has been like.

    Coming out of a psychosis of some sort.
    Amazing and very overpowering and mind controlling.

    I don’t think I will ever be able to explain what it was like
    dancing and making love with the devil.

    I don’t want ANYTHING but “IT” far, far, far, away from me.
    There is NOTHING left to say. No words that will ever right
    all the wrongs. Surely, I am not so unwise to fall for the
    ‘web spinning’ a second time. Surely not after having
    escaped the very caves of hell itself.

    They ARE in reality just little cowards and that is proven
    in the way they raise their voices and try to manipulate
    when they don’t get their way.

    IT CANNOT EVER “HAVE ME”.
    I BELONG TO MYSELF.

    The ‘cowered’ reference I probably made was that THAT
    is what “IT” would LOVE for me to do: ‘cower’. I do NOT
    ‘cower’. I never have and never will. I have lived through
    already way to much to cower now. lol

    I do feel safe.
    There is nothing “IT” can do to me anymore.
    I threw it out of that part of my head and heart
    that it had attached itself to…like the cancer it was.

    All I want is for the experience to stay away from me now.
    There is no ‘coming back’ and I don’t peek and research.
    It’s over. Period. No going back to that.

    It has left me with ‘habits’ and traits about myself that
    I don’t recognize but I do know that it is from the long
    standing abuse. I will overcome them. I will. I have
    already come such a long ways. I still have a ways to
    go but the most important part of the journey is pushing
    it away from you.

    You want revenge?
    You want justification?

    Push a spath/ppath away and IGNORE it.
    It will find somewhere else to go and a new
    victim. Trust me. It will. The battle is only
    existing within yourself. You have to make
    the choices and decisions to not tolerate it
    anymore. Don’t look back: fight for your life.
    And absolutely MEAN every syllable and vowel.

    You are amazing spoon.
    Thanks for being on this journey with me.

    Dupey



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  5. Back_from_the_edge says:

    Louise: I am so happy to see you!
    I think of you all the time and send
    best of wishes and love to you.

    Time does heal most of the wounds.
    You just have to take that special
    place we gave them and give it to
    ourselves and we will be alright.

    We will find our way through the
    cracks as long as we are looking
    in the right direction: at ourselves.

    Much love ~ Dupey



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  6. Louise says:

    Dupey:

    Thank you so much!



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  7. spoon says:

    Dupey

    Glad you had a wonderful weekend.

    Mine was all good. Life is what I make it.

    difficult to explain what the rehabilitation process – psychosis

    I don’t know psychosis says it very well. You went into defense mode. Part of our base programming. The “flight or fight” which has a third element to it. Hunker down and survive.

    “dancing and making love with the devil”

    Would this come close?
    There but not there at the same time. Like it was happening to someone else. Strings being pulled that didn’t make sense. Reacting to things and wondering why you acted that way.

    Have you?
    It was always yours to give or not. Just the “flight or fight” over rode your ability to knowingly respond. Nice thing about it “flight or fight” is not set in stone and can be reprogramed

    ‘habits’ and traits
    Yes these can be cleaned up. Remove the triggers – the emotional hooks and they are gone. It is a journey and we can go off in a new direction. Life isn’t a destination. I’ll be Happy when “X.” It is an on going event where action leads to results which leads to more action and on and on. Rest stops is all we get unless we chose to not live and build walls around us and pretend that all is perfect. Life is messy.

    revenge?
    We have all wanted this. And not a problem if one can achieve it. The problem is it normally takes a lot of time and effort. A high cost to benefit ratio. And in the end we are still left with correcting the damage that “it” caused and/or dealing with the problems that existed that the “it” used against us. So as I’ve always said the best revenge is to have a joyous, love filled life, with lots of laughter. “it” will never be able to have this.

    justification?

    Tough one. When something happens that we don’t understand we don’t like it. We want congruency in our thinking. The question comes up – Why me? Which is always followed by the other question we don’t like. Why not me? It’s easier to understand if it happens to someone else and it is in our understanding spectrum. Like a guy who loses his job. His friends wonder how he kept it for so long and he’s clueless to the why. But then there is the kid that chases after a ball and steps in front of an on coming car. Whats the justification? I don’t know. I just know that kids can do things without thinking. The driver couldn’t stop. And it’s heart breaking for everyone. Sometimes all we have is that it happened. We can either move on or let it consume us. We can let life define us or we can define our life. Like the saying: “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass… it is about learning to dance in the rain.” Me I like it this way better: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass… it is about dancing in the rain.” It’s about enjoying where we are now and not putting it off on some future event. My life will be complete when I find “X” charming, the one for me etc. Happiness, being OK etc are states of minds that have to do with the meanings that we are giving things, then what is really happening. A loop of understanding. That feeds it’s self. A process not an event. Happy people tend to deal with things they don’t like to do, as a game. They don’t focus on the end of the task but on pushing themselves through. Stuff like I’m halfway done. I’ve done 9 of them – nearly done. When done they do a little dance inside – in the real world if they can. The dance – arm pump is that they won. It didn’t stop them.

    “The battle is only existing within yourself. You have to make the choices and decisions to not tolerate it anymore. Don’t look back: fight for your life. And absolutely MEAN every syllable and vowel.”

    Excellent 😉
    Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life

    Would add that understanding that the problem can not be fixed but can be transcended. Is helpful.

    Thanks for the kind words and for letting me BE a part of your journey.

    XXXOOO

    Enjoy

    SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

    PS sorry it took so long. Had it just about finished and hadn’t saved [which I know better] and the computer ate it. 🙂
    All good though.

    Louise
    Thanks.

    It is one of those things that many don’t think about. It’s like people using titles or I had this training…translation I know better then you. Which they don’t always know better then. The perceptions can be misleading. We tend to think that evil comes in dirty, smelly and slimming around like Christopher Lloyd’s character in the movie Dennis the Menace. But it usually shows up clean with a smile on it’s face and will charm the socks off of you. If given a chance.

    T



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  8. Back_from_the_edge says:

    spoon: i haven’t forgotten about you.
    i want to answer you but i have been
    on horrid jury duty this week.

    have to run again, soon, now, too.
    just wanted to leave you a note to
    tell you THANK YOU so much. xxoo

    will write soon.

    love – dupey



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