How to get revenge against the sociopath

You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.

Now, you’re an emotional wreck.  You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD.  You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.

You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.

You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused.  And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.

It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.

“Living well is the best revenge”

This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.

Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.

The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.

The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:

How to implement No Contact

It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.

Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.

The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:

After the sociopath, make the decision to recover

This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold”

The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.

It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge.  (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.

The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.

Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.

To you, justice will be sweet revenge.

305 Comments on "How to get revenge against the sociopath"

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  1. furixx says:

    Just want to update on my previous post here… it took 3 months but the (harassment/stalking) case my ex had against me was ultimately dropped, DESPITE the fact that he kept going in regularly to hassle the prosecuting DA with new “evidence” against me… they saw through his b.s. and sided with me. They did not drop the restraining order though, which makes things difficult because I travel internationally often, and they now flag me for inspection at immigration. So he got me anyway with the that and the lawyers’ fees, the humiliation, the horrible day in jail. He has since smeared mine and my business name all over the web, but at least I don’t have to deal with him in real life ever again. Note that I never once lied to or cheated on him, that I supported him for most of the 3 years we were together in every way. I have never been invalidated and treated so disrespectfully by anyone else in my life. It is hard to accept that I spent those 3 years with such a lowlife (he was like Jekyll and Hyde). (To those in NY, beware of a subway musician with the initials T.E.)

    The funny thing is (such a coincidence) he dated another woman shortly after me. She happens to be the head of the psychology dept. at Rikers Island (prison) and Kirby State Mental Hospital. She saw through him too and cut contact with him after only 3 weeks of his madness. She looked me up and called me, and sympathized, and verified that he is most definitely a sociopath. So at least I have that validation. Also, it is almost 6 months since I last talked to him and I am finally feeling better, got my life back, started dating newer and better men. Things do get better!

    My advice for others is if you are going to expose a sociopath, make sure you have collected very solid evidence to use in any sort of court case, because they have zero qualms about lying and trying to ruin your life. Best to go NO CONTACT as soon as you realize who they really are.

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  2. kaya48 says:

    This sounds like my story. My soon to be ex fabricated lies to get a temporary injunction against me. I retained an attorney for the court hearing and everything was dismissed. I was in shock to realize how evil this man can be. At the beginning of the hearing he had the opportunity to drop everything and he insisted to continue. Thanks to my attorney he lost the case. Here I was, the mother of his only child, his wife of 20 years and his goal was to have me arrested, thrown in jail or have me locked away in a mental institution. He was abusing his so called “deputy powers” and it was so obvious. This is when I enforced the no contact and also filed for divorce the very next day. This was the “tip of the iceberg”. It was so much worse than his affairs, his porn addiction and his abuse. This was clearly a threat to me and my son and we lost all respect for him that morning in court. It has been 6 months no contact now. Revenge? I am not sure if I want revenge. The fact that he destroyed his entire family and that his only son hates him now, that should be sufficient as revenge. I know that we will be ok, even in the midst if this ugly divorce. There is no winning with a sociopath. In my mind I won because I erased him out of our life. I feel sorry for the victims to come. I hope they can see his true self early on do they don’t waste 20 years like I did. But he is getting older and supply will not come as easy to him anymore. Good luck to everyone. Remember the no contact is the only way to go

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  3. Phillip says:

    What if you don’t want to wait. My wife kicked me out saying that I was sick and didn’t get any help.
    I am now facing possible prostate cancer. I have been by my wife’s side thru EVERY medical and emotional issue, and bot did she have lots.
    Our divorce is almost thru. I get a check for 10k, and paperwork to sign. Here, a judge cannot force a person to sign these papers. After two years you have to go before the judge, and he decides if the marriage is broken. The only thing that is broken is my wife’s mind. I can actually prove this to the judge, and the fact that she has been using her “Mental Illness” as a manipulation tool. Every time she has to do something she doesn’t want to, or has done something wrong, she says, “well I’m mentally ill!”
    She has announced to at least three people besides myself that she doesn’t tell her doctor the truth, because he would have her on “meds that would make her drool.” He has told her that she needs counseling, but she makes up excuses as to why she can’t see this one or that one. She has also told someone that she knows exactly how to act to get committed to “the unit”, in order to get out of a responsibility she wants out of.
    There are MANY instances I can bring to the judge to prove that she is very mentally ill. As a loving husband, who has taken care of her for the past eight years, I would “stand by my wife while she gets the proper treatment”.
    I told her I was going to fight it, and let it draw out for the next two years. Honestly, now that we are at the end of this, I have an over whelming urge to win her back. I don’t know why. I guess it is because I dedicated myself to her, just as Christ would have wanted me to. Yes, I am a Christian. Yet I also have this urge to see her suffer as she has made me.
    I am very confused, hurt, and angry.
    Possibly facing cancer, and not having my wife by my side during it, like I have been for her just breaks my heart all over again.
    Has there ever been any cases of a person being mentally abused by a spath that they did something to hurt them? What can I do here. I am overwhelmed with pain, and heartbreak.
    If this turns out to be cancer, and it goes really bad, well then what would I have to loose?
    This is me reaching out folks. No one understands. The only satisfaction I have gotten is the fact that EVERYONE in town now knows what she is all about. They know she is a sociopath. I am very surprised that she is buying a house in that town. (with MY money no less)
    She has stolen everything form me. When I went to get my stuff, on the agreed upon day, she wouldn’t let me in the house. I had to call the cops, and she pitched a fit so band that it took them almost a hour to get her to let me in. She tried to lie to them saying she had an order of protection, which she couldn’t produce.
    So what do I do here to get these thoughts out of my head. My counselor called today to see how I was. He isn’t even familiar with a sociopaths M.O. How is he going to help me if he doesn’t know what one is? It’s not like i have lots of options. I am working in the V.A. system.
    Any help????? Please?????

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    • Phillip says:

      A note: When I say, “what can I do”, I mean to get these feelings to go away, not what can I do “TO” my wife. I was doing very well for the past week or so, and now, back to tears and heart ache. The loneliness is unbearable with this as well.
      Not one person understands. My daughter has the right idea tho. Stay away she says, and I know that is true. But, I want satisfaction. Any satisfaction……… hence why I am going to draw this out, so that her and her BF cant get married. I don’t have proof she has one, but, a woman that would drive her kids 250 miles, to have sex with a stranger she met on the internet, I would think that she had a man in my bed while it was still warm. An no, I didn’t know about that until after we were married. My 8 year old step son told me this.
      Just to make a point. I am starting to feel as disordered as she is, because she is the first thing I think of when I wake, and the last thing I think of when I try to go to sleep.

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      • serenity12 says:

        Phillip, I understand how you are feeling. I have been sociopath free with absolutely no contact since June. I held on for WAY to long, Not to get him back, but just to get answers, justice, and closure. Here’s the thing that I learned on here and have experienced: You won’t get that from them, and you have to find it for yourself. After hearing that I was like “well, how the hell do I do that?” Unfortunately I had to hit an unbelievable rock bottom where he beat me up after I exposed him and caught him in a lie(s). He had no other option, no excuse, so he took it out on me physically. i EVEN had the opportunity to run into his new girlfriend and showed her texts and emails that he had sent weeks before wanting sex(they’ve been together for a year) and I felt SO satisfied…but only for a moment. They will do ANYTHING to take that away from you and get the last laugh. After I pulled her over and chatted with her….he threatened to call the police for harassment against his “family” and LIED his way out of it saying I was stalking her and just trying to ruin his life….not true. So all in all its not worth the time and energy and you have to just let it go. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way like I did.

        In the new year I am working on forgiveness. I will never forgive and exempt him for what he did, but I am forgiving him from my mind. I will not allow him to take up space in my brain any longer. Think of it this way: If you go 100% no contact and cut her out completely is risky because you worry about feeling lonely and depressed right? Do you ever think “well this is better than nothing? I’d rather have someone then be alone” I used to think that….but being 100% no contact by HIS choice as I exhausted all my avenues which eventually drove HIM to think I’m crazy….Things have been getting BETTER not worse. When you are 100% NC things CAN’T get worse…only better.

        Do you ever watch the show intervention? The alcoholics and drug addict never feel WORSE after their 3 month rehab stint….recovering from a sociopath is the EXACT same thing. Throw yourself into a 3 month rehab. If you feel worse then I give you permission to go back….I say that because I KNOW you won’t.

        Do I still have lonely times? You bet. He had a child that I raised since he was 2 years old that I loved and lost. I still dream about this little boy ALL the time. I still wish my ex would fall in a hole and die….but that constant achey pit in your stomach you have….slowly starts to dissipate and you will see life in a whole new life.

        Get where I am….I’m 7 months ahead of you and I can see clearly now. You can get here. Try the no contact for a 3 month period. See what happens. Take care.

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  4. Stargazer says:

    Phillip, if your health is on the decline, it’s because of all of your years spent with a sociopath. If you go back to her, she’ll finish you off. THAT’s what you have to lose.

    If you think you may have cancer, the best thing you can do for yourself is to start boosting your immune system. Take vitamin and mineral supplements and lots of iodine. Most Americans are iodine deficient, and this is directly linked to cancer. I’m assuming you are getting tested for cancer and are awaiting results? Meantime, if you can find a good holistic doctor, they can test you for any vitamin/mineral deficiencies or any kind of metals like mercury or lead you have in your system. All of these things contribute to cancer. Eating a lot of refined sugar, processed foods, and soft drinks can create the environment in your body for cancer to grow. Start focusing on yourself and loving yourself so you can be healthy. If you go back to the sociopath because you think you have nothing to lose, then you have basically given up. Isn’t your life worth fighting for? My .02

    And BTW, I have so much compassion for you. I have lived in a fantasy world for years imagining certain men loved me when they didn’t. Fantasies do offer some sort of comfort, but it’s not like the real thing.

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  5. Heart song says:

    Phillip, my heart goes out to you!

    When I finally broke up with my ex-spath, our daughter was only 3-months old, but I knew he had to go because he was exhibiting behaviour that was off the Richter scale of badness, and I could no longer deal with him and still be the best mom I could be for our daughter and my son (who’s 10 from a previous marriage). Going solo was extremely scary and hard because he devastated me financially (he defrauded me out of my life savings), emotionally (he pretended to love me until I had no more money to give him and then abandoned me for fresh prey), and physically (exposing me to possible STDs – thank God the tests were negative- and trying to get me pregnant without my consent).

    After we broke up, for a few months there were weekly visits for him to see our daughter but when I saw him morphing into a new person, I realized he was creating a new image to impress his new target and it reconfirmed that our relationship was just a scam and I never wanted to see him ever again. I had to cut this man out of my life forever and I told him that he never loved me or our daughter and I wanted him to disappear! When he threatened to hurt my father, that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back and I went berserk at the mall in front of everyone around us. That’s when security stepped in, and they called the police, who called the Ministry of Children and Family Services and I finally got the help I needed. It was an instinctual response to his psychopathy that finally broke the “silence of suffering” and started the course to my healing (the Ministry sent me a very experienced and “with it” counsellor who understood disordered personalities and sociopathy) and his disappearance from my life. I also hired a good lawyer to deal with the custody issue (because he kept threatening to take our daughter 50% of the time). Eventually, he had to leave the country (too many creditors chasing him?) and now life is peaceful again.

    I continue to work hard at healing. My immediate family was angry with me for ever getting involved with the ex-spath but they’ve come around now. It took an angel army of people to help me through this ordeal: my counsellor, lawyer, doctors, dearest friends, Pastor and church family, boss and mom. Don’t try to do it alone because when we are broken heart, body, mind and soul, we need all the help we can get!

    Hang in there, Phillip! Take good care of yourself, because you deserve to be happy, healthy and hopeful! Remember – compassion, love and kindness starts with yourself!

    Many blessings to all,
    Heart song

  6. No_voice says:

    I found out the best revenge was just allowing him to expose himself! I have exposed to others the traits of a sociopath and just let him do the rest! Educate others on sociopathic behavior that he or she has contact with and then just let it run its course. Indirectly to those who admire the sociopath or they might just shut you off.

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    • Phillip says:

      Dear No_voice,
      As you will see by my previous posts, I was in pieces the last time I commented on here. I have not had contact with my ex in MONTHS. Since Jan to be exact. The last thing she wanted was my diagnosis of my cancer before she would sign the papers for the divorce.
      The divorce was final in February. Got my check, woo woo.
      I met a woman, and we have been together for about 5 months. She knows everything, and can’t believe I allowed this woman to treat me like this.
      The best thing I have found is NO CONTACT. I even cut ties with my step-daughter, as she represented a threat to my mental health, and she was reporting to her mother as well.
      I took my money and bought a house in the same town as my kids and grand kids.
      I also had prostate surgery on June 25th, my new birthday. They got everything.
      Life has gotten better quite quickly. I take everything day by day. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. So far so good. I hope that life does nothing but get better for every one of you.

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      • Phillip says:

        I repeat, NO CONTACT! Don’t even bother entertaining revenge. Those people aren’t even worth the time. They will eventually reap what they sow. Unfortunately you will probably not be around when it all comes crashing down on him. Just know, God loves you, and will let him fall.

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        • NotWhatHeSaidofMe says:

          I remember praying and praying every day, every time I thought of him, which was almost every moment, praying to God to take away my unending pain. I didn’t think I would ever stop crying.

          I am glad to read your post. It’s amazing how the WORST time of my life turned out to be a HUGE blessing. Being discarded by a sociopath who found a new target was indeed God answering my prayers. My life has SO many possibilities now, NONE of which could have ever happened when married to such an emotionally vacant, incredibly cruel, extremely contemptuous of me, constantly unfaithful and disloyal husband.

          Congrats to you Phillip. I like that we get to have regular lives. I revel in my regular life, I am so content.

          God did love me afterall, even when I thought no one did, and that God wasn’t listening. I am BLESSED!

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  7. RepairingWhatWasStolen says:

    It’s great to hear your life is better, your surgery went great and you are moving on.

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  8. sugarNgold says:

    The best revenge one can get on the sociopath is to GIVE THEM NOTHING.
    Do not give the sociopath any more of your time. I have noticed that sociopaths LOVE to waste our time. They do things to inconvenience us, just to frustrate us, get us upset, and worked up. I remember before I knew what I was really dealing with, all the crazy things the sociopath would tell me, and ask me to do. They seemed to sound valid at the time. But it was all just to set me up to look dumb, or waste my time. So many times she would say “today is your day to pick up kids, make sure you get them from school on time”. When I had never been late to get them, I knew the days i was to pick them up, i didnt need a reminder. But she reminded me, because sths wanted to confirm I would be getting them, only to make sure she got them first. She would check them out early from school, and I would wait in carpool line, only to find out they weren’t there. When I would ask her, where are the kids, she would say “oh I forgot they had a dentist appt”. Strange she never forgot to remind me it was my day to pick up, but forgot the dentist appt. which actually wasn’t even real. I would ask the kids, how was the dentist. They would look at me and say “huh?”
    I caught on to these games quickly. It was difficult because I wanted to get the kids, but I was tired of my time being wasted. It got to the point where I had to either stop picking them up from school, and just get them later from her home. But even then, she would take them somewhere else. It was like a game to her. Finally when my daughter got old enough. I got her a cell phone, and began communicating with my daughter. Since my then 13 year old was much more mature than my 48 year old ex wife. The ex hated that. She was furious that I was able to talk with my daughter, and she couldn’t waste my time anymore. She even threatened to take me to court because I was refusing to co – parent with her. Fortunately I had documented all the time I attempted to pick up and she hid the children, and all the lies of doctor appts. So I told her to bring it on. She backed off but not for long…
    I have never tried to get revenge on her, even though she is a nasty person and done so many horrific things to me. I have just tried to let go, move on and live the best life I can. She has already stolen so many years from my life. I refuse to be angry and bitter and let her steal anymore. She is miserable and it is obvious. She is angry that she can’t contril me with the kids anymore. She is angry that she is aging and her tricks are no longer working on people. I pay her no attention. I have not had any contact with her in over a year. My kids are now 16 and 14. And our relationship is great. They choose to stay with me the majority of the time because of the chaos, lack of food and stability at their mothers. They see thru the craziness. And a good friend told me a long time ago that eventually the kids would see the “true” person their mom was. It is sad for them, but they are smart and well adjusted children. They seem to get that life isn’t perfect, and everyone has that one dysfunctional person in their family. Theirs just happens to be their mom…. :(

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