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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Now I can honestly say to a victim, ‘I understand how you feel’

Editor’s note: This Lovefraud reader formerly posted under the name of “Adelle.” Her articles include “A thank you note to my sociopath” and “If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it.”

In the past I have written under the name of Adelle in an effort to keep my stalker from finding me. I dated this man and lived with him for about two years; he knows one of my passions is writing. I’ve written a few articles that have been published; he knows my style so it didn’t take him long to figure out I was “Adelle.” The fact that while I was still living with him I would get my support from Lovefraud also made it easy to find my writings. He knows a lot about me; of course he does … that is what sociopaths do; they study us. They pay attention to us and learn us well, then they use it for their attack.

My name is Olga Rodriguez and I have an organization called Royalty. I mentor; encourage and empower young ladies; I speak to them about Teen Dating Abuse. Ironic that I would fall into an abusive relationship myself? I think not. This experience has prepared me and equipped me to deal with this topic of abusive relationships in a more effective way.

I would often encourage young ladies and women to tell their stories and not be ashamed; many were reluctant to share. During my presentations I would tell my niece’s story. My niece Daniela was murdered by her husband and that is why I founded my organization Royalty; in hopes of saving and changing many young girls lives through her story.

Sharing Daniela’s story was not too difficult; it did bring sadness at times but I was always able to tell her story. It has been very difficult sharing mine. One of the reasons is that I kept telling myself I should have known better! I spoke to young girls about this day in and day out. What would people think of me? People would ask why I stayed so long; they would judge me. So many things that kept me trapped in silence.

Now I can honestly say to a victim “I understand how you feel” when she is not ready or afraid to tell her story.

One of my favorite prose/poem is Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson. Mr. Nelson Mandellla recited this in his 1994 Inaugural speech.

The part I focus on today is, “And as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same.”

I have found that after ending our relationship with the sociopaths; after going no contact or “seeing the light” as I like to put it, we find that our darkness turns into our light. What was meant to kill us has made us stronger and wiser (this would be after our recovery of course).

I recently shared my story with a group of young girls and to my surprise they were not judgmental. It was well received; one young lady said to me, “Hmm…now I believe you really understand me; you’ve been there.”

I recall when I was still in the “Storm” (relationship). I would go to the Lovefraud blog and read stories of success; people who had left their SP; people who were going No Contact and I would tell myself, “One day…I’m going to do it; I’m going to leave and go No Contact.”

I encourage you to tell your story here on Lovefraud; you have no idea how much it empowers and encourages others. During my relationship with the SP; I found much comfort and hope here at Lovefraud; even though at that time I would not share much, I would just read.

I know it is difficult to tell our stories; they are not your typical abusive relationship stories. A relationship with an SP is far more abusive and unbelievable. My relationships were not perfect before the SP, but by far none of my previous relationships were as abusive and damaging as the one with him (SP).

When your darkness has turned into your light …

Let your light shine … because …

As we let our own light shine; we consciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears; our presence automatically liberates others!

Olga Rodriguez teaching girls about teen dating abuse.



17 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Now I can honestly say to a victim, ‘I understand how you feel’"

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  1. alohatraveler says:

    Dear Olga,

    Thanks for sharing your story of sharing your story! I can be difficult at first. I also used bits and pieces of my story in my presentations to college students. I noticed that the students perked up and tuned in more when they realized I didn’t make my presentation out of book theories.

    And, at the end of one, a student approached me because she was struggling with s stalker for a year. This was the kind of stalker that she didn’t really know. He was just a customer where she worked. He brought a pink convertible and a diamond ring to her home on their “1 yr anniversary.” She was only 18 and very scared.

    Anyway, the point is.. exactly what you said… sharing a real story is more powerful than a bunch of book theories.

    LoveFraud has helped so many people just by showing us that we were not alone in our experiences.

    Aloha



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  2. Olga Rodriguez says:

    Strongawoman: Thank you; yes I recall the post where he was asking for help with editing or something. Ugh…thank God I no longer react to his actions! Yes my beautiful little niece and I were very close; she was actually born on my birthday and I miss her dearly! I have a copy of Our Greatest Fear (Some have it as Deepest) in my home; yesterday I was listening to her lectures on Youtube…I’ve never read her book “Everyday Grace” I may get it this weekend!
    Eralyn: I hear you…and yes I do target our youth in hopes that they don’t become that adult who has to run to a shelter; or who is deceived or what have you! Like alohatraveler said; it is so much more powerful to share a real story than a bunch of book theories.
    AalohaT: I’ve read some of your posts as well; I believe you have been putting yourself through school? I just registered today and I’m excited about going back! I was granted financial aid and I’m taking a psychology class and a criminal justice class that I;m really excited about! My major will be Juvenile Criminal Justice. Thank you guys for your support! AlohaT: I’d like to learn more about your presentations…I don’t know how you can get my email address without me posting it here; maybe Donna can give it to you.
    Gotta go….presenting this afternoon at a girls church lockdown!
    Blessings to all!



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  3. Truthspeak says:

    Olga, thank you so much for your candid article. I am so sorry for the loss of your niece – too many victims are murdered by their partners.

    Many years ago, I was speaking with a woman who had lost her infant son to SIDS, and I made the error of responding, “I know how you feel.” Well, this gal corrected me in a fury – she was still so raw from her loss and had probably heard that exact same line dozens of times. She snarled, “Have you seen your own infant dead and cold? Have you had to bury your own child? Have you lost sleep for days wondering what you did that might have caused your own kid’s death? Then, I don’t think you know how I feel, at all.”

    Since that day, I can only speak from my own frame of reference. If I haven’t experienced something, I try to imagine and convey my responses precisely that way: I can’t imagine that. And, I can’t.

    Thank you for your strong words and courageous efforts.

    Brightest blessings



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  4. Olga Rodriguez says:

    Truth: Thank you; Yes too many.



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  5. blossom4th says:

    Olga,
    I truly appreciated your story,and your efforts to save teen girls from domestic violence.I am so sorry for your loss though.

    I receive my counseling from a domestic violence shelter.They didn’t have the funding to take me in when I left my husband,since I was suffering from emotional,rather than physical abuse.But I am very grateful for their counseling,which I’ve found to be very helpful.And the Love Fraud site has been very supportive too.So,I’m healing.

    How I wish there had been more education about domestic violence,personality disorders,etc when I was younger!I’m still trying to forgive myself for staying in a marriage with a narcissic socialpath too long,thinking I had no choice….but then I remember that I came from a dysfunctional family!



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  6. HeatherCT says:

    Lovely article, thanks. I had a friend who went through a break up a few years back. I can distinctly remember asking her if she was quite sure she still had all her marbles (I can only apologise now, I was ignorant then!). His antics were totally bizarre and as she related some of them I really was starting to wonder.. I have been “awoken” with my own recent experience and now realise that she was completely sane and no, he didn’t just have “a bit of a drug problem”!

    Also interestingly, my ex knew my movements, friends etc but tried to hack into my onlline phone account to access my records. The password for that account was so simple, no numbers, capitals etc and anyone who has known me for a couple of months would have managed to guess it easily. The phone company sent me a text at 04:50 on morning containing the password and I contacted them only to be told that there had been several failed login attempts on my account… So there is a distinct limit to their interest, had he taken an iota of interest in me the person during the 2 years he had known me he would have succeeded.



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  7. rgc112063 says:

    Olga, ever listen to Taylor Swifts album “Red”? i think she may be telling a story there.

    Sincerely
    Rgc



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  8. rgc112063 says:

    Old high school english teacher would get pretty upset when someone said “i know how you feel”. she said the only accurate way to say it was “I can only imagine how you might feel” she said anything else would be insulting.

    rgc.



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