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Sociopaths as aliens

Perhaps the hardest thing to comprehend, and accept, about sociopaths is just how different they are from the rest of us.

I’ve spoken to hundreds of people who have tangled with sociopaths. Even when the mask has not only slipped, but shattered, even when they know the truth about what the sociopath has been doing all along, they still ask,

“But how could he do it?”
“He kept telling me how much he loved me; how could he cheat like that?”
“He said we were soul mates; how can he just up and leave?”
“How can he be so cold and calculating?”
“How can he look me right in the eye and lie?”
(Substitute “she” for “he” as necessary.)

Then, the people I talk to start making statements like the following:

“I would never think of taking someone’s money.”
“I would never intentionally hurt someone.”
“If I said something like that, I couldn’t sleep at night.”
“I would never tell someone that I loved them if I didn’t mean it.”

So here is the most important lesson to learn about sociopaths: You cannot interpret their behavior in the same way you interpret your own behavior.

Sociopaths are fundamentally different from the rest of us. They have a personality disorder, and this disorder reaches to the core of their beings. Here’s what this means:

  1. Sociopaths cannot feel empathetic connections with other people.
  2. Sociopaths do not have the ability to love.
  3. Sociopaths are interested only in power, control and sex.
  4. Sociopaths’ main motivation is to win.
  5. Anything that comes out of a sociopath’s mouth could be a lie.
  6. Sociopaths have no conscience.

You could think of them as aliens. I’m not saying that they literally are aliens (although there are people who believe that). But sociopaths are missing the characteristics, traits and abilities that make us truly human.

For most of us, this realization is a shock to the system. They look just like the rest of us. They appear to be so normal, talented, fun and exciting. They keep proclaiming their love. It’s so hard to believe that they are simply acting. It’s all a charade, a mirage.

What do you do with this information? You accept it. Sociopaths are what they are, and once they are adults, there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. So far, there is no therapy, no magic pill, that will give them the ability to feel care and concern for others, or internalize a sense of right and wrong.

All we can do is know that they exist, learn the warning signs, and when we see them, run as fast as we can.



60 Comments on "Sociopaths as aliens"

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  1. Truthspeak says:

    Letgoletgod, you’re going to be okay. In due time, you’re going to be fine. Right now, it feels like the world is ending, I know. But, this is temporary. Once you have some good crying jags, you will start the stages of grieving and recovery.

    And, I am going to type something that could easily be interpreted as being harsh, but “…how lost he is…” is none of your business. He’s not lost. He’s a user of human beings. He knows precisely where he’s going, what path he’s on, and he has no intention of changing his path. So, at this point, spare no pity for him, whatsoever.

    You’re going to be fine, Letgoletgod. This is temporary, and it is, indeed, painful. But, this is where the “work” begins on one’s Self. And, thank GOODNESS you didn’t have a child with this pr*ck! As time passes, you’ll begin to clearly recognize the behaviors that would have damaged a child.

    As a complete aside, his idea of producing a child would have disrupted and (quite likely) ended your effort to earn your Master’s. Think about it. Producing a child would have ENDED your goals.

    Brightest comforting blessings



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  2. darwinsmom says:

    Letgoletgod,

    I chime in with Thruthspeak that you’re going to be OKAY.

    I was single for the longest time too when I met the spath, and the thing was: I didn’t mind by then that I was single. For the first time in all those years I was totally okay with being by myself, including thinking of single motherhood (I was 36). He breezed along, and while it was obavious he had issues in his life, I ascribed it to his country of origin (Nicaragua; poverty and civil war in his early years of life, drug smuggling country) and his youth (he was 27). The last I had expected him to want is to talk of marriage and having babies with me, and yet he did. Since I had this ingrained belief that no man would ever commit to me, that was my weakness and vulnerability. And I believed him to be sincere. I ended up getting involved for almost two years, two years where my perception of the source of the issues changed, though I was bonded hormonally and emotionally to him like nothing else.

    What you are feeling now when you want him back is purely the addiction to him. You are trauma-bonded like someone with stockholm syndrome, which creates a coctail of hormones in your brain that your brain has become accustomed to. It’s pure chemistry and withdrawal that you’re going through. And the sole thing that helps is cold turkey ‘no contact’ to get over it. It doesn’t feel like that right now, but in time it will lessen.



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  3. Letgoletgod says:

    I don’t think my heart will ever be the same. Sure, the pain and the tears will fade, but the heart never forgets. I look back at ex’s that destroyed my heart, and I STILL feel it. But I don’t cry. But I do feel the same way about them that I did then. Im so sad and angry that he is going to be added to that list of memories. He is never going to fade from my mind, is he? How DARE him leave such a mark on my soul that I can’t forget? To be in a place that only happy memories should be? I can’t believe he left me! I can’t believe he did this to me! HOW could he do this to me? How was I so blind? How could I love him and he has simply forgotten I even existed?? How can we be living such different lives now, when he used to be my life? Wasn’t I his life too? How could he leave me like this? How could someone be so cruel and literally, heartless? He is 100% nobody that I thought he was. I thought I was FINALLY in the place I always wanted. But I was wrong, AGAIN. Am I ever going to get past this haunted soul? I am loving, beautiful and caring. Why can’t I just find someone who TRULY loves my in return? I’ve learned quite a bit about love recently…but more about what love ISN’T, then what it IS. It should be the opposite. My life and beliefs about love and life have come crashing down on me like hell from the sky. I didn’t see it coming. Im scared of going to sleep and the nightmares I will endure. I’m scared of waking up with the pain and anxiety in my stomach. Im scared of having to spend the rest of my life TRYING to be happy. I was ‘happier’ with him than I am now. How is that even possible??? It was ALL A LIE! How did I NOT see it?
    Im questioning my own sanity. I look at pictures, and I KNOW we were happy. But were we really? Was he? Who is that person in the pictures? I just don’t understand. Everyone, (who obviously doesn’t understand), says “he loved you, in his own way, at one time…” But I disagree. That wasn’t love that he had for me. I know I loved him, but he clearly, did not, love me. The way he is treating me is NOT what you do to someone you love. Love never goes away, and it shouldn’t if its real. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have left me like this. My life is shattered. My heart is shattered. And he is living like I never existed. Im still in shock. I still keep thinking I will hear his keys open the door and Ill run to him and kiss him…but Im just here alone, in the wonderful home we had, and he won’t ever be coming back. He was everything to me. And I (thought) I was to him. Now we are nothing but a nightmare of a memory. I just want to be happy again. Will I ever be? I have so many questions…I hate that most of them will never be answered. Why did this happen? I don’t deserve this! I loved with everything I had, and he just took. How could the person I loved so much be such a horrible person? Especially to me?? I never want to feel this way again. It took a lot for me to let him in my life for fear this would happen because Ive dated narcissist, etc, before. And my nightmare came true. I am 29. I want a family and a future with someone. Will I ever find that if I am this lost and hurt and jaded? I hate him for even existing.



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  4. skylar says:

    letgoletgod,
    I like your name, it’s the answer and you intuited it.
    The spaths want to inflict a narcissistic injury on us. They want to make us feel how they feel: ashamed, unloveable, unworthy, powerless and alone.

    the protection against that humiliation is humility. When you accept yourself for who and what you are, (a tiny speck in the grand scheme of things) you don’t feel humiliated or injured anymore.

    You are young. You have lots of time to heal, become a better person than you were before and then find a love who loves you back. I thank God for your youth, some of us didn’t learn about spaths until past our childbearing years. If I had had children with my spath, it would have been an unbearable disaster (as if my life with him wasn’t) beyond words. He is a pedophile, a murderer, a con man and a thief.

    Work hard on your healing. Don’t let anything else become a priority over that. Read read read. Use each day as an opportunity to learn about the train wreck that happened in your life. You will overcome it, if you really try.

    hugs,
    sky



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  5. it'sme says:

    LetgoletGod,

    I don’t normally post because I have had no faith in my ability to communicate since the p got his hooks into me, but You have spilled my guts out on this page. I fell back in after the last time he did this to me(after years of abuse and life threatening danger) and now he is doing it to me again.

    I’m so so sorry that you have/are going through this, I think our body and spirit warns us… going off like sirens, that we are in danger of going back into the fire (to the very one that has caused our body to be chemically addicted to him). He IS THE DEVIL. Who happened to be quite appealing but very evil.

    There is a withdrawal period in which we MUST refrain from running to them for a fix. If we are lucky they will go no contact with us at least long enough for the physical withdrawals to pass and we are not ‘a using’ addict. Our spirit knows what is going on and is attempting to warn us against going back … therefore the night terrors…? Maybe… A war between the spirit and the flesh.

    There is articles here somewhere on the grieving process… by kathleen hawk, I believe, explains the stages. All very helpful to me right now, along with information on survivor’s violence(explains alot about why some respond the way we do to these abusers and inflaming the guilt/shame and humiliation that we feel). Believe it or not, even when we were ‘always’ happy and no obvious abuse, what you are going through now (stonewalling) is abuse. It is a way to control. If he is a p, he will not change no matter what we do or say or who we are or become.

    I really like your name, I really needed that reminder this morning!

    read this, it is helping me a great deal with the panic, hopefully it can help you as well

    http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/02/27/q-can-writing-improve-your-health/



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  6. darwinsmom says:

    Letgoletgod,

    The heart is a very bouncy organ. If you can love, if you have known love in your life, then your heart will be ok.

    Here’s a beautiful story about love and the heart: http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/10/04/readers-story-the-perfect-heart/

    He will also fade from your mind. It will require mental work and time, but it will get better. You will still have the memories, but it is possible to strip the emotions away from these memories.

    What will be destroyed forever is the perception that everyone is lovable and has good in them. But in time you’ll see that’s not a bad thing to have learned after all, since that’s the reality. It’s a great pity sociopaths are a reality, but it’s not a pity to know the reality.

    Read and learn on anything you can get your hand’s on about sociopaths. Hug and cuddle yourself. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. But do not in any way contact him or allow him to contact you.

    And I assure you that healing from this in a way that you end up feeling even stronger and more yourself than ever before is possible and doesn’t even have to take forever.



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