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The sociopathic betrayal as an incident in your life

Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.

Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.

And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.

You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.

Blame game

As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.

You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.

Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.

Now what?

The sociopath is responsible

First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.

The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.

He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.

Commit to recovery

Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.

Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.

This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.

Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.

You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.



290 Comments on "The sociopathic betrayal as an incident in your life"

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  1. Ox Drover says:

    Tami, I suggest, for what it is worth that you give them 1 week to find a PERMANENT BABY SITTER THAT THEY PAY FOR and in the event (RARE EVENT!) that you will fill in, like if the baby sitter breaks a leg…but not be the primary care for the child. No matter how much you want a grandchild, this is going to be (because of the child’s mother) the CHILD CUSTODY FIGHT FROM HELL…just ask Milo about that and the mother in her case is her own daughter.

    Even though milo had custody the daughter fought (via a free attorney) for custody even though she was living n the street prosituting herself and the court acted like she was mother of the year, cost Milo tens of thousands of dollars and months of heart ache and the worst part was what it did to the child.

    Eve n if your son marries her it may not give him custody rights (I would check that with an atorney since they were not married at the TIME of the kids BIRTH) He may still be only considered a “step father.”

    I know boundaries are hard to set when a child is involved, but if you don’t, I don’t think I need a crystal ball to tell you that your life will be hell. But your boundaries are YOURs to set and the consequeses are yours tp live through.



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  2. tami says:

    Oxy, I discussed this with the gf when she picked the baby up yesterday. The plan is that now that she will be on dayshift and my son will work 3 twelve hour shifts on Fri – Sun., he will tend to the baby during the week and I will during the times that they BOTH have to work on the weekends. Her schedule varies from week to week. My cousin will serve as backup if my husband and I have plans or simply need to rest. My cousin will keep the baby at our house and for good reasons. For one, my cousin is terrified of the neighborhood where my son and gf are live and so am I! Now, that my son is working, the FIRST goal they have is to move ASAP and I hope they stick to it. The other reason is that I’m all set up for a baby…crib, toys, swing, and such. My cousin is also our house/dog sitter when we go away. So, I don’t mind her using my house to watch the baby. She’s very responsible. Also, she kept her once before and they paid her and know they will have to. She will not tolerate any BS!

    Not putting a lot of faith in this but thought I’d throw it out there. The gf has acted quite differently the last couple times that I’ve seen her. My son asked if I could tell a difference in her personality and I said yes. He told me that her new medication has made a big difference and she has stopped the constant bitching and unreasonable behavior. She told me her doc had switched her from Paxil to Zoloft and she now feels motivated, sleeps less and said she is even helping my son with the household chores. She isn’t constantly talking and I was able to hold a conversation with her. She didn’t even take offense to the baby constantly reaching for me the whole time she was holding her…commented that she was grateful to me for being there for them while they worked on pulling themselves together and that it was obvious that I was good to the baby because she loved me so much. I am WELL aware that spath’s can be whoever they choose to be and also that addicts function more normally when they have their drugs. I’ll NEVER totally trust that Zoloft “fixed” her but will keep only a very slight open mind to the possibility only because I don’t fully understand mental illnesses. I don’t recall anything being said about her seeing a doctor, either. My son usually mentions these things. Time will tell. I certainly won’t be foolish enough to let my guard down. And, geez, I forgot that my son asked me two weeks ago if I had any plans tonight and during the day tomorrow which is her birthday…said he wanted to treat her to a birthday dinner and spend some alone time with her. I agreed to be available then to care for the baby but it wasn’t mentioned yesterday. So, if the plans are still on, I guess I’ll keep my word. I know they certainly don’t keep promises to me but don’t see how being spiteful would serve any purpose. I’m not going to mention it.

    Shew wee, last night was rough. I collapsed as soon as the baby left around 4 and slept until after 3 am! However, I woke up all through the night feeling for the baby and panicked at one point because I thought I had left her alone in the another bedroom where her crib is. She and I sleep in another room because my husband wakes up when she does and can’t go back to sleep. He needs his rest…he’s been working very long days due to the extreme heat…a lot of AC’s aren’t holding up to the heat. I guess I’ve had the baby for so long that sleeping in our bedroom had me confused last night. My little Boston Terrier certainly was happy to have me back to curl up to 😀



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