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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Listen to your inner voice

Editor’s note: Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader.

When I met my husband, 14 years ago, I owned my own home, had two children, a great job and life was great. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, however, he would not take no for an answer until I went out with him (1st red flag). He presented himself as financially secure, a family man with a daughter, and who told me family is everything . He was very charming and giving to my children and I.

After 5 months of dating, he started telling me how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. I said that I wasn’t ready to jump into marriage again after being married for 12 years. However, he never let up. He kept saying that I had no idea what a great life we could have together and that all he wanted to do was make me happy and provide a wonderful life for myself and children. We married 7 months later and my life has never been the same.

He changed the very night of our marriage. It was like he flipped a switch not even consummating our marriage on our wedding night. He immediately got the attitude of “I have you now.” He moved into my house with nothing but a suitcase of his clothes, never even asking me if I wanted anything from his house. He started not wanting to drive to pick up his daughter to see her. Told me he didn’t want to have to go to every family function of his family. He started becoming distant to my children as well.

That was just the beginning of a mountain of lies and deception I started to uncover 9 months into our marriage. I started noticing that any time I asked him a question about anything, he became angry and verbally abusive. When it became time to do our taxes the first year of our marriage, I asked him if he had his own accountant. He said, let’s use yours. So we did. We both sat in front of my accountant and my husband NEVER flinched when asked certain questions. He again was extremely charming, funny and articulate, seeming to be capable of a lot.

Well, a few months later, I received a letter in the mail from the IRS stating they were withholding our refund of $6,000 due to my husband NOT paying his taxes the previous 4 years!! His response to the letter was, “SO!” He used MY interest on my mortgage, my children, my everything as deductions because he NEVER paid his bills, was in serious debt and his house (which he owned with two other people) was going into foreclosure!! I found out it was all a facade. But yet, he kept telling me that I was making more of the situation, that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Oh no, it was much worse.

And here I am, 13 years later, finally getting a divorce because, you see, it is not that easy to get away from a person like this. I went from an outgoing, smart, independent woman to a woman with no self esteem, trust issues and just plain scared. I am ashamed to admit this and believe me, would never, never, have thought this could have happened to me! My story is so much worse and so many other things have happened, that this is just a glimpse into this nightmare. But it has and I am trying to move on with my life to get back to the person I once was.

Please don’t think this could never happen to you. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them the first time (Oprah) and move on. Don’t ever believe it is in your head, as told to me. It is not. Listen to your inner voice. If it just doesn’t feel right, it is NOT. TRUST YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU TRUST ANYONE.



88 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Listen to your inner voice"

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  1. kathy0707 says:

    Was the link to the article posted here in this thread before the thread about the article? I know I read the article and was just responding to G1S’s comments. Oops!

    On listening to your inner voice…my instincts have always been proven true – AFTER THE FACT and after I’ve dismissed them. I don’t know why our instincts are not given greater weight. Maybe it has something to do with “women’s intuition” not being highly valued or validated. Just guessing here.



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  2. darwinsmom says:

    The link was posted in the thread before the article was published 🙂



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  3. kathy0707 says:

    darwinsmon,

    The link could not have been posted in the thread “before it was published,” 😉 but it’s all good.

    Anyway, I am one of these people who likes to stay on topic but I’m only human so occasionally I miss a beat. 🙂

    So, I have exciting news! And this doesn’t really pertain to SPaths either, but it does pertain to my healing.

    I am going to take a long trip this summer, via my car (and I have a driving phobia so this is a BIG DEAL) to take care of my Mom. It will do me good to get out of the town where the NS lives and I might just find a place, along the way, where I’d like to relocate. Some may be able to recover living in the SAME TOWN, but I know for me I don’t think it’s possible, plus I don’t like living here.

    I want to leave this NS in the dust and forget all about him. What better way to do so than to go live in a place more appropriately suited to me? I just wish I wasn’t traveling with pets in tow.



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  4. Back_from_the_edge says:

    kathy0707: that is a huge decision for anyone. I just hope and pray that you will be safe along the way.

    I am happy to hear you are healing and I can relate to the desire to ‘just get away’ from it all and leave it behind you.

    I have felt the same things living here, where I am. This was kind of like ‘our place’ and there are too many memories for me. He has not lived in my town, not ever, but this was ‘our place’ and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I think a fresh start is sometimes quite called for and I am proud of your strength, courage and determination.

    Please do keep us posted. I will always wonder about you and how you are doing. I am thinking of making a break and a fresh start for myself. Sometimes the change of scenery can help us put our heads back on straight.

    Blessings of good karma to you ~ Dupey



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  5. darwinsmom says:

    Kathy,

    point taken, I reiterate and edit… “the link in the thread was psoted before the LF article was published”. 😉

    Sounds like a good plan! Enjoy the road trip! They can be great fun!



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  6. kathy0707 says:

    BFTE,

    I never go anywhere without my computer. 🙂 It’s my lifeline. I don’t enjoy TV and don’t have the concentration to read, so it’s my computer that I focus on.

    Do you have any ideas as to where you might like to go? I lived in CA for 13 years and miss it a lot, but going back there isn’t an option. My Mom would like me to move to where she lives, but I don’t handle long, cold depressing winters well.

    Maybe we both could use a change of scenery. Some might say that’s a mistake or a cop-out, but I think it can do wonders!



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  7. Back_from_the_edge says:

    Hi kathy0707: Right, I haven’t enjoyed t.v. or music in a very long time. It has been like a ‘trigger’ for me in the worst ways.

    Well, I would want to be somewhere that I knew someone. I would want to stay some where close around my children because they are like my ‘lifeline’. I was so fortunate as a child, to have a grandfather who not only raised me, but allowed me to travel this beautiful country of America, with him, as an independent car hauler. I have been so blessed to see the beauty in this country.

    I have lived in many places and I really do have a difficult time trying to choose where it is I would love to live the rest of my life. California, where I am living now, I have been here almost 12 years. I am from the northeast originally. Cold, depressing winters aren’t my thing, either, which is part of what brought me to California. Some say to re-live my youth, as gramps had a beachfront here and yes, perhaps it was to try recapturing some of those wonderful memories….

    Oh yes, a change of scenery can do absolute wonders for the state of mind. No, not a mistake or cop out at all, I don’t think. I think it’s a ‘new beginning’ and I believe in ‘new beginnings’.

    Yes, please…do keep in touch.
    Perhaps you should move closer to your Mom. After all, she IS family; right? We only get one Mom in our lifetimes…and it sounds like you could use your Mom right now to help you get back on your feet after being BAZOOKA’D! xxoo

    Blessings kathy0707…

    Dupey



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