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Being, Accepting and Letting Go

 

After much contemplation, I decided I’d like to continue along the theme of last week’s post since the sense of ‘thoughts becoming things’ seems to be becoming even more important to me at the moment. And from the energetic conversation threads from last week it appears to be quite an emotive subject for people here as well!

The picture I’ve chosen this week is the classic “Hag or Beautiful Young Woman” illustration that shows there can be two very different sides to the same situation, depending on our perception. I often use it to remind myself, when I’m having a “Hag” of a day, to change my perspective and seek out the “Beautiful Young Woman”…. She’s always there somewhere… 😉

I’d like to start off by saying that I do not purport to have all the answers – far from it in actual fact. It occurs to me that the old saying “the older you get the less you know” actually holds a great deal of truth…  because these days, even though it stands to reason that I have more knowledge and experience than ever before; it’s equally true to say that I have even more questions in my quest to really know the answers. Still, I guess you could say that’s what keeps us curious to grow and learn eh? Even though, it must be said, there are times when I manage to drive even myself mad with my sometimes-obsessive drive to understand!

Positive Thinking

So I’d like to explain a little about my pathway – and why this quest is so important to me. The very first self-help I ever picked up was Norman Vincent Peale’s “The Power Of Positive Thinking” – first published back in 1952, decades before the concept of positive thinking was in our regular vocabulary, and a lifetime before the emergence of mainstream New Age! I can have been no more than 19 years old when I picked it up for the first time, and I remember being somewhat sceptical about the messages contained in it. I remember feeling pretty annoyed at times – angry even – when it occured to me that if what the author was saying was in any way true, then it implied that I was to blame for my personal circumstances. At that time, both parents were already dead, and my little sister and I had recently been evicted from our guardian’s home. So life was pretty grim.

“And this idiot here is trying to say it’s all been my fault? Who on earth does he think he is? He has no idea whatsoever about me or what’s happened to me!” I would fume, slamming the book shut and stomping off to find a coffee or cigarette – my two regular crutches in those days. The fury and indignance passed, however, once I began to get a glimpse of the real message. It suddenly dawned on me that this book and its ideas were offering me a new way of approaching things. A new way that gave me the promise that I really could change my life for the better. A glimmer of hope in what for me had become a dark and dreary existence full of hopelessness and pain.

That’s where it all began, all those years ago. Since then I’ve devoured hundreds of books and cassettes (yes, way before the time of CDs or downloads!) and attended a myriad of workshops. I’ve also trained in various therapies including Louise L Hay, NLP, Coaching, Reiki, Hypnosis, Breathwork and Firewalking. And so far as I can see, the underlying message is basically the same – that the more we become aware of and flex our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, the more we can determine the quality of our life. Also, the more we can honestly assess what kind of experiences are showing up in our life, the more we can identify where our thoughts and beliefs are sitting, so we can then check whether or not we’re on the right track.

Opportunity Instead Of Blame

I am NOT saying that we deliberately invited sociopathic individuals in to our lives. I am NOT saying that it’s our ‘fault’. That we must have been thinking ‘wrong’ thoughts, or giving praise to the ‘wrong deity’ or following the ‘wrong’ leadership. Far from it. What I AM saying is that from my own experiences, having recognised – truly recognised – what had been happening to me, I have found ways to move through the experience and find a deeper sense of peace and joy as a result. It’s not about blame… it’s about opportunity. Grabbing the chance to create something different.

And from where I am right now, I’ve realised that there are far more levels to all of this than I could possibly have comprehended at the time. I know in my heart and soul that I have lived and breathed coaching and motivation for more years than I care to consider – and that the techniques I learned and fine-tuned along the way have helped me to create a fulfilling life. I also know that I’ve been lucky enough to make a positive difference in the lives of many hundreds of people.

I’m also holding my hand up right now to admit “I didn’t fully understand it all then… and I still don’t now” – and still I know I did some great work. But I DO acknowledge that I am ‘getting it’ more and more as time passes – particularly since the relationship with my ex.

For example, last week I wrote about ‘loving myself the way I am’ – and at the same time not expressing frustrations. My reason for doing that makes perfect sense. If thoughts become things, then let’s change ‘bad’ things in to good – then all that can ever happen is good. Right?

Wrong. The trick I believe I missed was to accept whatever emotions or frustrations that were happening at the time. Thinking about them and accepting them was never going to make them any stronger or pose any threat! Far from it. By acknowledging my natural ‘humanness’ and just allowing myself to ‘be’ then I can accept every single aspect – everything – without criticism or blame. And I can then just let it go. Let the angry, worried, frightened (whatever the ‘bad’ stuff happened to be) emotions wash through and past me – while I waved them “Bon Voyage”.

No Regrets

People often ask me whether I think I actively invited a sociopathic personality in to my life. Whether on some level I ‘deserved’ the cruel treatment I received – from my ex as well as from the people in my past. My honest response is this. It doesn’t matter to me where the pain comes from. Who delivers it. Why they’re here. Or what I did to ‘invite’ or ‘allow’ it to happen to me. Rather than dwell too much on the bad situations or people that turn up, or try to label them ‘sociopathic’ ‘abuser’ ‘narcissist’ or any other name, I choose instead to focus on what I can now do about my circumstances. Just like accepting my humanness, I will acknowledge and accept that what happened was wrong and hurtful… and then I’ll do my very best to let it go. And that process may well take some time. Good. I can take all the time I like, because it’s important to honour and accept what happened and how I felt, so that I can move through and past it freely and with joy. While doing that, I also reflect back and do my very best to find the ‘gift’ in the experience – so that I can be certain to recognise and deal with it should a similar person or situation appear again.

But it’s taken me a long time to reach this level of understanding. It’s been a harrowing journey at many times. And, as I said right at the beginning… I’m not saying I have all the answers. Heck, it may well turn out that I don’t have any answers at all – I may be totally wrong in what I’m thinking and believing at the moment! But….

You know what, though? When I look outside at my life that’s surrounding me right now, and compare it to what it’s been…. Even running a mental check right back through the years to my childhood…. I can honestly say that I feel happier, more settled, and more content than I can ever remember before. And I know, I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that this is just the beginning.

As Louise Hay says “Our thoughts create our reality, and a thought can be changed in a moment”. Every day is a new day, and right now it’s the most fulfilling adventure I’ve ever experienced!

Love and blessings to all – even more than you’ve imagined before 🙂

PS – if anyone fancies experiencing a giggle about the typically good old-fashioned British humour that I grew up with, here’s a link to Morecombe and Wise singing about “Positive Thinking” from their 1976 Christmas special… it always makes me smile http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKN7aWTUrIU



57 Comments on "Being, Accepting and Letting Go"

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  1. ThickSkullThinSkin says:

    Hello bluemosaic,
    I wanted to thank you b/c I have withdrawn pretty much from life but have so wanted to volunteer to help people, and then talked myself out of it b/c I thought it was egotistical of me to presume I had anything worthy to give. Your messages here affirm for me a realization I finally had: that I am a sensitive person, very caring and nurturing, and that wanting to serve does not make me needy or pathetic, but reveals my spirit of dignity and desire to be nurturing is a worthy and special gift for me to share. Love is the only thing that matters so how can wanting to nurture ever be a bad thing? (except as defined by my now ex husband.)

    I have been reading the messages of hope and progressive healing on this website for quite some time. I was dumped by my husband after years of doing and giving all my best. But I seemed to have been unable to find a way to fix my flaws. During my marriage, I was ridiculed for my stupidity (thick skull). And b/c I cried a lot about feelings that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, (thin skin) knowing I FELT things I could not prove, accused of imagining insults and disrespect. In the end, I was right. But all during it, I was a mass of confusion. This website has helped me make sense.



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  2. bluemosaic says:

    Hello Thick Skull, Thin Skin,

    And God how awful it feels to address you that way, it is just what a sociopath wants the most, to tear apart the good they see in us and get us to degrade ourselves. No offense. I have caught myself repeating the insults he threw at me, ” bad lover, too emotional, emo-unlevel under attack, not as good of a cook as his ex-W…” oh the list was long. Ofcourse, I took it to heart. His words lasted moments. My repeating them in my head…well, I still here them sometimes. 11 months post discard, 3 m NC.
    I am glad something I said helped you in anyway. It gives me hope that I am not as useless as he told me I was. The volunteering I am doing, it is so connected to this whole thing. If I had grown to love myself so much , as a young woman, that no one could come along and ; change my identity, tell me how to live, accept abuse, tolerate unbearable interactions and betrayals with other women, ask me to hurt -humiliate and damage myself-and get compliance, and so much more debasing that it is impossible to list…..Had I a solid grasp on who I was and not willing to drop it all to please him, this would not have happened to me. I hope and pray that something I do with these young girls, prevents a future of heartache.
    I understand the desire to cave. I have done that too. I still want to somedays. Take heart, I do not know your story, but I do know that you want to heal, or you would not be here : ) This community is full of wonderful, wise caring souls. Have you been on here long? When I first came, someone suggested Kathleen Hawks articles on healing path. They have helped me alot, and I am still wading through them. You can find them under authors on top tool bar.

    Most of all, beleive that you are wonderful just the way you are. I felt pretty good about myself when I met the spath. My self esteem was actually pretty high. He so masterfully drew me in…as he pulled me down, I hardly noticed that I was regressing to years past when my esteem was low. Remember the things that are wonderful about you, that you know to be true. Make a list of them, remind yourself that you have value and have a right to be loved and accepted just as you are. And…BIG HUGS!

    Bluemosaic



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  3. bluemosaic says:

    Hi Tea Light,

    Happy day 18 to you : ) I am glad you are feeling some peace and calm. May he drop off the face of the earth, and you never see or hear from him again. Some of these types are harder to shake than others. I am sorry for you that he stalked you, truly scary, knowing what is in their hearts and souls…not alot.
    Thank you , for all the kind support you have given to me. I wish you a happy and permenent NC. Hugs,

    Bluemosaic



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  4. Imara says:

    Oh TSTS (Can’t even bring myself to type the whole darned thing) Just take what Bluemosaic and the others say to heart!!!! What disordered people say can be dismissed with a pshttttt….For them it’s ALWAYS opposite day!!!
    Take good care of yourself and believe in the good of who you are. At the end of the day it IS all about love…..love for ourselves and for everyone else. It’s their misfortune that they cannot love.



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  5. Tea Light says:

    Welcome to the Lovefraud community ThinSkin! I hope you won’t mind but like Blue ( who is one of the wonderful kind souls) it’s painful to read your username, I will drop the ThickSkull if that is ok with you much as I and other posters call LoveSucks just Love! Anyway, glad you are here with us and glad your ex…..is ex.



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  6. lost everything says:

    Hi, I don’t like the ‘ts’ initials either. You are not thick skulled, sociopaths are so good at being master illusionists, their audiences are not meant to see the reality. You are not thin skinned either, the damages spaths inflict are deep and painful.

    Like you I have missed many opportunities because of the latespath, both when he was alive and since he died, 2008.

    Part of their ‘game plan’ is to make their mark feel inadequate. The latespath never missed an opportunity to let me know that I would fail at anything I did. Hear something long enough and you start to believe it.

    About 2 months ago, I took a big step for me. I went to a supermarket during the day. I realized that no one even looked at me, I was just like everyone else. No one saw me as the person the latespath told me I was. I didn’t have to hide by going to shop at midnight.



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  7. ThickSkullThinSkin says:

    Wow. I appreciate all the kind comments. I thought I’d just dip in, say something and then go away. I know it’s silly but the kindnesses made me cry. I am just a stranger and in one night, I was spoken to with more civility and understanding than I think I ever experienced in years of marriage.

    I tried to change the name but it won’t let me.

    Lost Everything?: I want to beg to differ. You didn’t lose anything, it was stolen from you by the personification of evil. I’ve read many of your posts. You are regaining your sense of self. I see wisdom in your words and I see progress. Who knows where this path with lead you. Let’s take stock of where you are a year from now, two, five. The quiet grace of a wise woman is just one of the beautiful gifts I expect we’ll see of you. (I am so amazed! I, too, shopped late at night to avoid the knowing judgments of others. And yet, nobody treated me any different than any other shopper. I remember coming home and feeling special. Yes. Not being noticed made me feel special.)

    TeaLight: You are sooooo right. It’s a good thing that my ex… is my ex. Bluemosaic, Imara, thank you thank you thank you. All of you, you are exactly the ones who know how I needed to hear your words. I am in your debt, a very pleasurable debt.

    Have a wonderful weekend everyone!



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    • FFWR says:

      TSTS: I have been here about three months and this is one of best watched and safest sites I have ever been on. I hope you will keep coming back. I have been able to change so many negative thoughts about myself and gain courage by sharing with the many kind people here.

      If you want to change your name as we see it, move your cursor to the top right corner where it says “Howdy….” Click on “Edit My Profile.” You can’t change your user name to sign in, but you can scroll down below that and change your Nickname any time. You can choose your nickname and that is what people here see. Of course, that choice is entirely up to you. I don’t like to see you put yourself down either and used initials. But, your nickname as you want us to see it is your choice. Glad you are here and hope you will soak up the kindness. I certainly do.



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  8. bluemosaic says:

    Hi TSThinSkin,

    You are most welcome for the messages of hope. All the kind, caring and affirming outreach on this site, made me cry too. When I first came, the compassion that was shown to me brought forth alot of tears as total strangers reached out to me to help me understand and held my hand (cyberly!) They showed me that I can overcome the devastation this experience brought forth in my life. You can overcome your pain and heartbreak too.

    This site is proof positive that most people in this world, really are caring, compassionate and capable of love. It is said here, in educating about spath’s, that ~%4 of the human population are sociopathic. Well, that means ~ %96 of people are empathetic, kind souls who are capable of loving and caring about others. You will find a wealth of those caring empath’s on here.

    Regarding your choice of username, know that it is your right to be whereever you are in how you feel. I hope I did not offend you by pointing out how your name is self debasing. Change it only if it honors how you feel. Just remind yourself that you do not have to define yourself by someone else’s mislabeling and abuse of you.

    My finding LF was a blessing to me. If not for this place, I may have continued to be played by a man who I have come to see as a predatorial womanizer, who most likely is sociopathic. Absorb all you can on how to understand what happened, why and how we can use this experience to grow inside, and in process, lead a much fuller, happier life. I hope it blesses you in the same way. Hugs and love to you : )

    Bluemosaic



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